z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Zade The Demon Breaker Chapter One

by JohnLocke1


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

The problem with following demons all around the world was their insatiable appetite for heat. They flocked to it like mosquitos to light in the summer; blind to all but the heat. I had to train long and hard to withstand heats that would cause normal humans to pass out. The heat still bothered me, though, because I couldn’t stop sweating. The sweat darkened my shirt, made my palms wet and slippery, and cemented my hair to my forehead. My hair was already long enough; I didn’t need it glued to my face. I probably looked ridiculous, now that I thought about it: an eighteen-year-old boy sipping a coke at a bar and swatting away at his hair. It wouldn’t be so weird if I looked eighteen. I probably looked fourteen. Being relatively short and extremely thin does nothing for making you look older. But, I really didn’t care about all that. Or I tried not to.

Even with my messy black hair falling over my eyes, the cloud of fog spewing from a nearby fog machine, and the outrageous conglomeration of blue and purple light blinking incessantly, I was still able to see them all. I peered down to them from the bar above the dance floor. Humans and demons, locked in a mess of sweat, saliva, and unabashed sensuality. They were shameless, all of them; humans and demons alike. Hands went wherever they pleased, with men and women moaning as they found temporal pleasure with a complete stranger. Clothing was piled on chairs, tables and benches, as bare, glistening bodies rubbed against each other. Small tablets and pills spread across the club like wildfire, resulting in cries of ecstasy and people without a consciousness of their own.

They were all predators, eternally hungry, and they moved as such. I honed in on a young demon, tall, lean, and gorgeous as they all were, who was on the prowl for meat. He seemed to salivate as he scanned the floor for something to slate his thirst, something to make his heart beat. He smiled, and I followed his eyes to a couple dancing. It was a man and a woman. I could see why the demon wanted her, the woman was gorgeous. Her skirt was nearly to her waist, and I decided to focus on her face out of human decency. Her body was designed to incite limitless desire in the hearts of humans and demons alike. I couldn’t see the rest of her, the strobe lights were too intense. Instead, I watched the demon stride through the throngs of thongs, eager to get his fill.

I almost looked away, but then his eyes turned to the man. I wouldn’t normally care, but this young demon felt stronger than the rest. He was closing in on the couple, and I began to fear for the man’s life. I know that that demon would kill for his prey. I clutched the rails looking over the dance floor. I didn’t need to start a fight in La Vela of all places with so many demons around, but this demon could put a human life in danger. The demon’s hand lunged for the back of the man’s head, gathering a handful of his hair. I nearly threw myself over the rails, ready to tear the murderer away from the human, but my fears were unfounded. The demon stole the man away from the girl, pulling the man’s body close and grabbing at his body like a maniac, and the man didn’t mind. He was quick to switch the rhythm of his dancing with the demon’s forceful gyrating. The woman didn’t seem to mind. She moved on to another man, and the cycle continued.

I stepped away from the rail, going back to my drink. I reminded myself that I didn’t need to pay much attention to the ones dancing. They were young and weak. They had no interest in harming human beings, and little power to do so if they wanted. They were about as strong as any grown human. The ones that were dangerous were the ones with their eyes trained on me. The aura I gave off was overwhelming. The lesser demons couldn’t see it, as their eyes had yet to adjust to the subtleties of human auras, but the older, wiser, stronger ones could. In the sea of dull, gray human auras, I was quite noticeable. It was ironic.

As they stared at me, I stared back to let them know that I knew who they were. The ones who were scared of my aura simply nodded their heads at me and went back to dancing. They realized what I was capable of and were intelligent enough to stay out of my way. But, there was always that one demon who wanted to test my powers. I felt him before he sat down, his aura clear and present amidst the humans. I tried not to look, but demons have a certain pull to them. My eyes quickly brushed over him, but it was hard not to stare. His tanned muscles bulged out of his neon yellow tank top, stretching it to its limits. He wore a bright baseball cap backwards on his head, which I found surprisingly interesting. I couldn’t help but peer down his back, where bright pink underwear peeked out from his white shorts. The shorts were miraculously short, and even I found myself staring at how they outlined his gorgeous…

I heard him chuckle, and my eyes flashed back to my drink.

“If you’re going to stare like that, you might as well grab some. I wouldn’t mind,” he said, dazedly speaking under the influence of multiple drugs.

His voice was similar to other demons I had heard: deep, smooth, and mesmerizing.

“I assume you know what I am?” I said, ignoring his presence.

“Who doesn’t? The babies might not see you, but, to a guy like me, you are far more interesting than any light show these humans can make.”

The demon brushed my arm with the tips of his fingers as he spoke, causing me to lose some of his words.

“Then you know to stay away from me unless you want the night to end in pain and suffering.” I said, shrugging off his touch.

“My night is just getting started, boy.” The demon snapped, and drinks appeared before us. “Here, have a drink and loosen up. A soda isn’t going to put you in the right mood.”

“Conjuring in front of humans? Do you want me to cut off your little fingers?”

“Kinky. I’m all for that, boy.” The demon’s smile was alluring. I hated their powers of seduction. They never failed to attract their prey.

“Why are you doing this? Go find some humans to dance with, or whatever you plan to do, and leave me alone. I have a job to do.” I said, beginning to stand.

He chuckled, flashing his teeth like the snake he was.

“Come on,” he said, grabbing my arm and guiding me back to my seat with the strength of an old, powerful demon. “Don’t leave. I want to talk to you.”

“Why?” I needed to stall the demon until I was ready to fight him. He was too powerful for a full on attack. “There are other people who are actually interested in you.” I searched the dance floor below, eyeing a woman surrounded by men. “Look at her. I’m sure she would do whatever you wanted.”

“I had a woman yesterday. I need something…different.” The demon’s tongue swept over his plump lips.

“I’m not interested.” I looked back to my drink.

“Oh, don’t try that on me. You have a bright enough aura that I think you know what powers we demons have.”

“What are you talking about?”

I was on the bar before I had time to think. His speed was outrageous; I had never seen a demon with such agility. His hands were on my thighs, and his body was on mine. His lips brushing my ear. I was frozen.

“We demons can feel the sexual energy within humans,” he whispered in my ear, causing a strange heat to spread through my body. “But, we can only work with what’s already there. I saw you staring at my ass, boy. I know you play any team. I felt it.”

I couldn’t move, but I knew I could speak. And I knew I could fight him now.

“You look familiar. Such a beautiful face. Such a wonderful body.” As I spoke words of pleasure for him, my body began to come back to me. I felt his chest, and let my hands run down his body. He smiled, and began to let his lips run down my neck. I reached into my pocket. “Yes. I’ve definitely seen someone like you.”

He flirted with the edge of my shirt, teasing me. “I have many children. I’ve had many partners.” The demons tongue returned to my neck. “And they have all left satisfied.”

I felt the cold metal in my pocket. “I think I’ve met one of them. A boy. Blond.”

The demon pulled my closer, his lips moving up my neck. “Ah, yes. Pierre. I haven’t seen him in a while. Do you want him? With the snap of my fingers, he can be here. I’m sure he would love to join us.”

“That’s going to be hard,” I said. “I cut off his head and fed it to a dog.”

The burst of anger from the demon disturbed his powers long enough for me to plunge my dagger into his stomach. I jumped off the edge of the bar and pinned him to the ground. He released a stream of words in a language I had heard all too many times, all hisses and phlegm. Luckily, no one around us cared. We looked like another crazy, drunk couple. I quickly pulled my weapon from his chest and tucked it away.

“It’s blessed, you little prick.” The demon’s body was paralyzed, the holiness keeping him down, but he could still complain.

“Not only that, it’s been soaked in the holiest of water for twenty years.” I grabbed his massive body and dragged him to the nearest bathroom, murmuring something about how drunk my friend was. Demons didn’t bleed, so a trail of blood did not follow me and my captive. No one gave me a second glance. I guessed that this scene was all too commonplace.

A few people were in the bathroom, eager to get lucky, but I told them the bathroom was being closed for maintenance. They were so drunk that they didn’t even care that a teenager was telling them this. I lugged the demon against the wall, his body still frozen for a few more minutes.

“Not very fun to be paralyzed, is it?” I said, crouching down to his level.

“Go to hell, boy.”

“I doubt I’d be welcome.” I pulled my dagger from my pocket and waved it in front of his face. “This hurts, doesn’t it? I thought so. Tell me what I want to know, and you get to walk away without hundreds of scars in that big chest of yours.” The demon mumbled some words in that accursed language of his. I swept my dagger across his chest, eliciting a loud response from the demon. The holiness would only hurt him now, with the paralysis being a one-time deal. “English only.”

“What do you want to know?”

“First, who are you?”

As a part of the curse created by Him, all demons must respond when they are asked their names. It is a failsafe to protect humans at the last minute from being tricked by a demon.

“I am Zagan.” I jumped back, pulling my dagger in front of my face just as I’d been instructed. “Ah, I’m glad you’ve heard of me.”

“You’re an Old One. What are you doing here? I thought Abaddon and Beelzebub had you all fighting at the equator.”

“I grow tired of fighting with your people, boy. I’d rather come here and have fun. I thought that’s what we were going to do.” The demon licked his lips. The holiness was wearing off.

“I’m not gay, you filth.”

“I never said you were,” the demon said. I noticed his fingers beginning to move slightly. “I told you: you play for every team.”

“What does that mean?”

The demon chuckled. “Do you want to waste your time asking that question?”

Good point. “I’m looking for a Sister. She’s supposed to be hiding out in Florida. Have you heard anything about her?”

“I’m trying to stay out of Hell’s affairs, so no.” The demon smiled. “I still can’t get over how you stared at me. You must love it in the ass.”

I lowered my knife, prepared to retort, and that was all that he needed. The demon leapt towards me, and I did not have the speed to avoid him. I was in his tight grasp, and falling through darkness.


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Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:16 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here to save your work from the clutches of the Green Room.

The problem with following demons all around the world was their insatiable appetite for heat.

Oh it's been such a long time since I've read an opening line that I absolutely loved. To be honest, I can't tell you what I really love about this. It just seems... right. Actually, it sounds like an opening line I'd read in a book I picked up at the bookstore. Great job.

They were shameless, all of them; humans and demons alike.

Ah, so you're a fan of semi-colons too, huh? I use them a lot also. A reviewer of mine always pins me for them (they'll know who they are if they read this :3) so I figured I'd do the same for you. Semi-colons are great for combining sentences that would be otherwise not. Duh, that's why the exist. But my point is, it can really set the flow of the story. Sometimes though, they're overused. I think this is one of those times. In the first two paragraphs, you use three of them. Which is fine really, because they're all used in the correct way, but it really makes the writing seem choppy and broken. The sentence I quoted above is a prime example. Really, you an use a comma here instead of the semi-colon and it'll work well. The trouble with it now is that it reads like this: They were shameless, all of them [pause] humans and demons alike. That pause really interrupts the flow of the story. So use them sparingly, yes?

The ones who were scared of my aura simply nodded their heads at me and went back to dancing. They realized what I was capable of and were intelligent enough to stay out of my way.

This is super nitpicky, for me at least, but I figured I'd point it out. Here you kind of slip out of first person POV. It's subtle, but it happens. You're telling this story in first person so how would the narrator know that the demons were scared of him unless he saw that they were? I understand that that's what you were going for, but it doesn't come across like that. The narrator needs to show us what he/she (don't know at this point) sees as fear in them. Is it their nervous glances his/her way? Fear showing through their eyes? The way they ignore him/her? It's so very tempting to make the main character all knowing in first person. Just remember that we're seeing everything through their eyes.

“If you’re going to stare like that, you might as well grab some. I wouldn’t mind,” he said, dazedly speaking under the influence of multiple drugs.

His voice was similar to other demons I had heard: deep, smooth, and mesmerizing.

“I assume you know what I am?” I said, ignoring his presence.

“Who doesn’t? The babies might not see you, but, to a guy like me, you are far more interesting than any light show these humans can make.”

The demon brushed my arm with the tips of his fingers as he spoke, causing me to lose some of his words.

Sorry to pull a chunk out like this, but I want to point something out. The first six paragraphs are big, bulky. Which works great! But then we reach the dialogue and all of the sudden the paragraphs turn short and thin. That's fine, really, but I think you can combine some of them so they'll fit in better with the length of the rest of them. For example, the five paragraphs here can easily be made three, one for each line of dialogue. The second paragraph here is completely connected to the dialogue because it talks about the demon's voice. The fifth paragraph here is connected to the fourth one because it talks about what the demon did after he spoke. Just remember as you're writing, new paragraphs are formed when there's a new "topic". For example, someone else speaking or a different character's actions. It's tempting to separate more often than that because it feels right. But it's really not.

Wow, I'm impressed. This is a great read. Your writing is solid and you have a very good idea of what your writing style is. I didn't see it waver anywhere in this chapter, which is hard to find on this site to be honest. But that's okay because it's all about growing as a writer. Your writing is great and spot on. In all honesty, I didn't find much to talk about. Sure I pointed out a few things, but those were all nitpicks.

Your main character is quite solid. He has a job to do and he knows how to do it. Even with the demon manipulating him, he stays calm and is able to get the job done. It was quite a powerful scene to be honest. I liked the way you wrote it. The club atmosphere is already dark and sensual that having the demon hit on the boy just added to. Also, I don't think the interaction would've worked in any other setting. You worked the situation very well.

There are a few things I want to comment on though. I was confused by the part where the demon was seducing the boy. It makes sense to me, you know, how it happened and whatnot, but I was confused when the boy attacked the demon finally. I was under the impression that the boy was completely seduced by the demon and wouldn't have been able to do anything. I'd like to have seen at least a hint of him coming to his senses and realizing that he can break free of the demon's grip. Otherwise, it just sounds like he's stuck in a trance he can't possibly break out of.

Overall this is a great start. I feel like it's the perfect type of first chapter. We meet the main character and the problem they have to face in their life. We also get a good idea of what kind of world this takes place in. It's interesting to see the demons and humans living together because normally the humans would be less than excited to be around demons. That little detail gives us a nice look at the society they live in. Your dialogue is great and the descriptions in the beginning were written nicely. Like I said, very impressed. Good work.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Thu Jan 01, 2015 4:55 pm
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steampowered wrote a review...



First of all, I really enjoyed this story. I started reading it thinking it was going to be very much like Mortal Instruments, but it was definitely something different. I really liked the idea of the demons, although I couldn’t quite understand Zade’s role as demon slayer and the demons weren’t really developed enough (although it’s only a first chapter, so their existence etc. could be explained more in later chapters)

I thought your early paragraphs were a bit long, which made them quite difficult to read – I had to almost follow the sentences with my cursor. The first few paragraphs could probably do with being split up to make it easier for the reader to follow, or they might be put off the book before they’ve even started reading.

I also noticed a couple of minor spelling and formatting errors, such as “mosquitos” (should be “mosquitoes”) and “that I demon” (should that be “that THIS demon?”)

“I did not have the speed to avoid him” (right at the end of the chapter) might read better if you changed it to “I didn’t have the speed to avoid him.” It makes it read more smoothly.

One thing that confused me was Zade’s age. You say: “an eighteen-year-old boy sipping a coke at a bar and swatting away at his hair” but then you go on to add, “It wouldn’t be so weird if I didn’t look seventeen.” Is Zade seventeen or eighteen? I also thought the “It wouldn’t be so weird…” was a bit confusing, because it took me a while to get my head around all the negatives (and even then I wasn’t quite sure what you meant) Maybe it could be simplified?

Aside from that I don’t have any other real criticisms. I thought it was really well written, and I must confess I did like the sinister-yet-flirty way in which the demon interacted with Zade. A lot happened in this chapter, but I liked the fact the story was quick to get to the action. I’m also really intrigued by the cliffhanger (the last sentence was really powerful) and I’m desperate to know what happens next!




JohnLocke1 says...


Thank you for reading, my friend!




"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
— We Bought A Zoo