Hi there! I'm here to save your work from the clutches of the Green Room.
The problem with following demons all around the world was their insatiable appetite for heat.
Oh it's been such a long time since I've read an opening line that I absolutely loved. To be honest, I can't tell you what I really love about this. It just seems... right. Actually, it sounds like an opening line I'd read in a book I picked up at the bookstore. Great job.
They were shameless, all of them; humans and demons alike.
Ah, so you're a fan of semi-colons too, huh? I use them a lot also. A reviewer of mine always pins me for them (they'll know who they are if they read this :3) so I figured I'd do the same for you. Semi-colons are great for combining sentences that would be otherwise not. Duh, that's why the exist. But my point is, it can really set the flow of the story. Sometimes though, they're overused. I think this is one of those times. In the first two paragraphs, you use three of them. Which is fine really, because they're all used in the correct way, but it really makes the writing seem choppy and broken. The sentence I quoted above is a prime example. Really, you an use a comma here instead of the semi-colon and it'll work well. The trouble with it now is that it reads like this: They were shameless, all of them [pause] humans and demons alike. That pause really interrupts the flow of the story. So use them sparingly, yes?
The ones who were scared of my aura simply nodded their heads at me and went back to dancing. They realized what I was capable of and were intelligent enough to stay out of my way.
This is super nitpicky, for me at least, but I figured I'd point it out. Here you kind of slip out of first person POV. It's subtle, but it happens. You're telling this story in first person so how would the narrator know that the demons were scared of him unless he saw that they were? I understand that that's what you were going for, but it doesn't come across like that. The narrator needs to show us what he/she (don't know at this point) sees as fear in them. Is it their nervous glances his/her way? Fear showing through their eyes? The way they ignore him/her? It's so very tempting to make the main character all knowing in first person. Just remember that we're seeing everything through their eyes.
“If you’re going to stare like that, you might as well grab some. I wouldn’t mind,” he said, dazedly speaking under the influence of multiple drugs.
His voice was similar to other demons I had heard: deep, smooth, and mesmerizing.
“I assume you know what I am?” I said, ignoring his presence.
“Who doesn’t? The babies might not see you, but, to a guy like me, you are far more interesting than any light show these humans can make.”
The demon brushed my arm with the tips of his fingers as he spoke, causing me to lose some of his words.
Sorry to pull a chunk out like this, but I want to point something out. The first six paragraphs are big, bulky. Which works great! But then we reach the dialogue and all of the sudden the paragraphs turn short and thin. That's fine, really, but I think you can combine some of them so they'll fit in better with the length of the rest of them. For example, the five paragraphs here can easily be made three, one for each line of dialogue. The second paragraph here is completely connected to the dialogue because it talks about the demon's voice. The fifth paragraph here is connected to the fourth one because it talks about what the demon did after he spoke. Just remember as you're writing, new paragraphs are formed when there's a new "topic". For example, someone else speaking or a different character's actions. It's tempting to separate more often than that because it feels right. But it's really not.
Wow, I'm impressed. This is a great read. Your writing is solid and you have a very good idea of what your writing style is. I didn't see it waver anywhere in this chapter, which is hard to find on this site to be honest. But that's okay because it's all about growing as a writer. Your writing is great and spot on. In all honesty, I didn't find much to talk about. Sure I pointed out a few things, but those were all nitpicks.
Your main character is quite solid. He has a job to do and he knows how to do it. Even with the demon manipulating him, he stays calm and is able to get the job done. It was quite a powerful scene to be honest. I liked the way you wrote it. The club atmosphere is already dark and sensual that having the demon hit on the boy just added to. Also, I don't think the interaction would've worked in any other setting. You worked the situation very well.
There are a few things I want to comment on though. I was confused by the part where the demon was seducing the boy. It makes sense to me, you know, how it happened and whatnot, but I was confused when the boy attacked the demon finally. I was under the impression that the boy was completely seduced by the demon and wouldn't have been able to do anything. I'd like to have seen at least a hint of him coming to his senses and realizing that he can break free of the demon's grip. Otherwise, it just sounds like he's stuck in a trance he can't possibly break out of.
Overall this is a great start. I feel like it's the perfect type of first chapter. We meet the main character and the problem they have to face in their life. We also get a good idea of what kind of world this takes place in. It's interesting to see the demons and humans living together because normally the humans would be less than excited to be around demons. That little detail gives us a nice look at the society they live in. Your dialogue is great and the descriptions in the beginning were written nicely. Like I said, very impressed. Good work.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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