The Ashes in The Urn - Part 1 • Young Writers Society

The Ashes in The Urn - Part 1

December 21, 2014
Short Story: General, Mystery / Suspense
3 comments (3 reviews)

I don’t know what it is about antiques, but I’ve always loved them. When I was a little girl, my dad used to check the paper every Friday and circle the address of any garage sale within twenty miles. On Saturday morning, he’d pack me and my sister into the old silver van and we wouldn’t come home until dinner. Mom used to scold him for bringing home so many knickknacks, but you know what they say – one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.

It isn’t the smell of antiques that gets me. I mean, they usually just smell dusty and musty, like a house that hasn’t been properly cleaned in ten years. It’s the way that they look – hardened, with rough edges and chipped pieces – like the face of an eighty year old human being, seasoned from the harshness of the world. That’s my favourite part about antiques. They always tell a story.

So now you understand why on my way home from dropping my sixteen year old son at his friend’s house for the night, I couldn’t resist stopping at the garage sale on Sydenham Street, just two blocks away from home. I thought it was a little strange that the sale was still on, considering it was already past five o’clock. It was the end of August and the sun was starting to set earlier – it would probably only be out until seven, at the latest. I parked my black jeep next to the curb and stepped out onto the massive six car driveway. The place was completely deserted, except for a gorgeous pale woman with silky black hair sitting in a comfortable-looking blue lawn chair on the stone steps. She didn’t look up from her book, in spite of the click-clack of my heels hitting the pavement.

There were dozens of items arranged on five long wooden tables arranged in a circle. The tables seemed sturdy, but the wood looked tired and worn. Everything seemed to be placed meticulously, as if it were arranged in chronological order. They were old children’s items, for the most part – starting with a car seat and baby toys on the first table, progressing to baseball mitts and hockey masks, then CDs, a boom box, an ancient guitar and a silver flask. Nothing had a price tag on it.

On the last table, I saw something that intrigued me. It was a large red urn with a tiled pattern. It looked beautiful, as though it had been handcrafted by some ancient Roman Goddess. I thought about how great it would look beside my bookcase at home. I had to have it, no matter what the price.

“How much do you want for this?” I pointed to the vase and looked at the unusually beautiful woman.

Slowly, she looked up from her book and smiled. “Oh honey, just take it. It’s yours.”

Strangely, she looked back down at her book. I stood frozen for a moment, skeptical about her answer. She wasn’t really just going to let me walk away with this beautiful urn for free, was she? Finally, I decided that it was safe to move. Carefully, I picked up the hefty urn and watched my feet to make sure that I didn’t trip and break it. It was much heavier than it looked. For a split second, I looked behind me and waved goodbye to the odd woman. She didn’t even look up.

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Points: 3819
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Sun Dec 28, 2014 2:07 am

Lefty wrote a review...

Hi, there! Lefty here to review!

This seems like a decent start to a story and a really enjoyed reading it. I'll talk more about that at the end but for now I'd like to mention a few nitpicks:

In the first paragraph when you start to tell the story of "When I was a little girl..." it seemed maybe a little out of the blue or abrupt. I think this could easily be fixed but just adding "Maybe it's because" before it. So "I don’t know what it is about antiques, but I’ve always loved them. Maybe it's because when I was a little girl..."

one man's junk is another man's treasure

Extremely nitpicky here, but traditionally it's "trash" not "junk".

It's the way that they look

Also extremely nitpicky, but "that" seems a bit unnecessary and could be left out.

Carefully, I picked up the hefty urn and watched my feet to make sure that I didn’t trip and break it.

1. In this sentence you could change "urn" to "vase" as you used "urn" in the line before it, making it sound a tad repetitive. That's really nitpicky too, though.
2. When you said she watched her feet, I was confused at first as to why she was looking down at her feet because I hadn't realized she had begun walking. Just adding "as I walked" would have made it clearer. So, "Carefully, I picked up the hefty urn and as I walked, watched my feet to make sure that I didn’t trip and break it." or something like that.

That's all. Really they were all very nitpicky and just suggestions really. It's completely up to you if you want to consider them. This was written quite well so I couldn't find anything to touch on that wasn't being picky.

Very good grammar and punctuation. You described things very nicely and beautifully. I could picture clearly what things looked like. I'm intrigued by the urn, I think there's something more to it. You did a good job of hinting at that without making it too obvious. Overall, nice job! It was an enjoyable read. I'll go read part 2. Have a nice day!

-Lefty

Points: 2348
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Wed Dec 24, 2014 6:46 pm

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Satira wrote a review...

hi! I just have nitpicks here, so bear with me.
"the old silver van" could be changed to OUR old silver van. I know that sounds stupid, but it makes a difference.
You might want to expand on the father. If you want to expand on him, the character in general, throughout the story, that's fine, but since he is a key reason that your character has this connection to antiques, you might want to give some background.
Why would anyone think, at all, that what attracts your narrator to antiques is the smell? It just isn't something that comes to someone's mind, so you don't have to have the narrator dispel the idea that it IS what attracts her.
You said 'gorgeous pale woman'. 'gorgeous' is too vague. I really want to know what makes her gorgeous. It cannot be her paleness alone that makes her beautiful, can it? Also, how old is she? It makes a difference especially if she works in the store, because usually there are, well, middle-aged/old people that work at antique stores.
The part about the vase needs to be expanded too. You described the vase's color, and also said it was 'beautiful'. This is the exact same problem as with your description of the pale woman. You described the color, and then gave a vague word that cannot make us visualize the object.
how did the woman smile? you don't have to put the way she smiled in if you don't want to, but there are a bunch of different smiles. creepy, kind, gentle, malicious. You then described the woman as 'odd', and I don't have enough of a vision of her to agree with that term.
but other than that
this was very, very well written. i'm gonna look at the next chapters right after this!
happy writing! merry christmas!
~ Satira

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Sun Dec 21, 2014 11:41 pm

Dracula wrote a review...

Umm... what do I write when I have no nitpicks at all and I just want to move on to part two?

It was perfect and amazing! At first I was skeptical about having a short story in three very short parts, but I think it works, sort of like a poem. The look back in your character's life was fun and it was a sudden but exciting jolt to skip into her adulthood.

The lady at the garage sale seems mysterious and a little bit frightening. Pale woman with silky black hair puts the image of a witch into my mind, as I'm sure it does for many people. I reckon you used this imagery on purpose right? I'm also worried about this line: “Oh honey, just take it. It’s yours.” It's yours? The urn belongs to your character? If I get to part three and the urn literally isn't your character's, then you might want to write that in. Otherwise you have done an amazing job here.

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The Ashes in The Urn - Part 1

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