Often working
Seldom playing,
Though he's halting
Rarely staying;
Body like a
Living statue--
Quite electric
Eyes stare at you;
Hair like needles,
Pins, to make his
Coat and give him
Dirty grayness;
Curly furry--
His fat tail is
Like a shell wound
As some snail's is;
It's a rodent;
I've described it.
Try my riddle
You'll need some wit.
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Good one! The rhyming is up to mark, and so is the vocabulary usage and expression. It can't be anything but a hedgehog.......can it? Because you wrote that the coat is like needles, so......anyway, please tell what you meant it to be!
One thing you could change though : the line " His fat tail is like a shell wound", well, I don't think that's a good likeness you've used. Maybe you could replace the word or the lines.
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
It's a squirrel. Yeah, I received other complaints about that line. If I stop to think about it long enough, maybe I'll replace it with something better. Thanks.
It's a squirrel. Yeah, I received other complaints about that line. If I stop to think about it long enough, maybe I'll replace it with something better. Thanks.
Hello Link, Nunya is here have no fear! Just kidding... >.> I have no criticism for this so I think I'll attempt to try your riddle.
"Eyes stare at you;
Hair like needles,"
Squirrel? Aha, it is...isn't it?
Keep writing and NEVER get discouraged.
Hello, Link! I am here to deliver a poetry review as you have requested. Now, I'm sorry if this is not very good. For I don't review poetry often and this is very rushed because I have to go soon. So let's see if I can get this done!
Even though I knew it was a squirrel, the word snail made me think it was some sort of... well snail. That really messed up the imagery. (For me, at least.) Also, I have googled "squirrel tail" and that does not quite match up with what it trying to be said. Because all these tails seem to look like a fluffy boa one would wear at parties, and not a shell wound that a snail has. Just something to think about.One, I would like to say that the rhyming scheme worked out pretty well. It had this beat to it, and even though some parts didn't exactly rhyme, it fit. Which isn't something I see pulled out that well. Even though I would like to fill these pages with praise-- I think it's time to nitpick a bit.
On a paper, it looks quite choppy. The punctuation draws me away from the actual poem, and the capitalization is just there. It adds nothing to it, and (to me at least) it seems to take quite a bit away. Like, when the semicolons are there, while they might be needed if this was a short story or something like that, it seems very interrupting and drew me away from the riddle as a whole. The capitalization one the start of every line is pretty distracting too.
Since this is a riddle, I am sure you would like it answered. With all the clues I have been given, perhaps the rodent being described is a... squirrel?
Anyways, this is the best poetry review I am able to deliver at the moment. So, keep on writing!
~Rae
Thanks for the help everybody; I've refined it a little. I hope it's better now.
k I don't know that the rodent is (squirrel?) but your rhythm is pretty much perfect towards the beginning. Then it gets a little frayed.
So it's great until you hit the line 'spasmodic too' . Sorry that's the name of your poem, but it just doesn't work. spasmodic is pronounced -SPAZ-mod-ic - even though it's the correct number of syllables, the word doesn't flow.
The next four lines after 'spasmodic too' are perfect, and besides, very clever.
but 'Curled like the shell/Of some old snail' is again offbeat. And again, not because of the syllables, but because of the anatomy of the words. You have to HEAR it as well as know it.
at the end, again, the last line was off. You'll need some wit, when we say it out loud and to ourselves, sounds like "You'llneed some wit', with 'you'll' and 'need' naturally brought together.
I actually really li,ed this poem-the overall rhythm of it sounded like the theme song/rap of a kid's show, like the original pokemon theme song( In the BEST way possible, I assure you).
Happy writing!
~Satira
Thanks for your review, and I'll see what I can do about correcting the flow of wording. By the way, you are right: it is a squirrel.
THis was REALLY hard. I have narrowed it down to a hedgehog, an armadillo, or Batman.(kidding)
It's a cool thing to write, guessing riddles. Only one nitpick:
"Is his fat tail curled like the shell of some old snail"
The 'is' in the start should be moved to after the word 'tail', otherwise it is just a little confusing. The 'is in the beginning signifies a question that is never asked.
Overall, awesome piece. It's a super hard one, as you said. I will need some wit, more than I have now.
Thanks, PebbleToad. I'll try my best to make that line better.