Omg, this was hilarious. Just curious, but did you learn about these laws in class and decide to write a story about how one of them might have come about? I love ridiculous old laws.
I have two suggestions for you today. One is just a formatting issue, so let’s talk about that first.
Dialogue! Let’s look at this line.
"Probably not, but I would not suggest it." Said Mrs. Gardener.
It’s a really minor issue but also a really common one that I always like to point out to people because it distracts me a lot while I’m reading. When you use a dialogue tag (“said,” “whispered,” etc), change the period in the line of dialogue to a comma and don’t capitalize the first word of the tag unless it’s a proper noun. Like this.
“Probably not, but I would not suggest it,” said Mrs. Gardener.
This rule also holds when you start with a personal pronoun, like this.
“Probably not, but I would not suggest it,” she said.
If the dialogue starts with a proper noun—someone’s name, rather than a verb (like “said”) or a personal pronoun (like “she”)—you still change the period to a comma but do capitalize the first word in the dialogue tag, since it’s a proper noun and should always be capitalized.
“Probably not, but I would not suggest it,” Mrs. Gardener said.
When using any punctuation other than a period (like a question mark), leave the punctuation the same but follow the rules about capitalization. So if this was a question…
“Is this a question[b]?” said Mrs. Gardener.
Okay, sorry about all that. I normally don’t nitpick during reviews, but the dialogue formatting is one thing I will almost always nitpick because it distracts me when I’m reading if all the dialogue is formatted wrong. Let’s move on, shall we?
At first I wasn’t entirely sure why you used a framing narrative sort of thing for this story—I mean, framing the main story (how the law about roosters in bakeries was passed) with another story (Susie learning about weird laws). But after thinking about it, I think it was a good strategy. Without it, you’re just telling us this random weird story that results in a law about roosters not being allowed in bakeries. With it, with the context of Susie’s class, we know that this story is actually a scenario of what might have happened that resulted in one of America’s weird old-timey laws. Plus I like to imagine that the scenario is actually Susie wondering how the law came about.
On to my second suggestion. You did a good job of dramatizing the scene where Mr. Scoobie is freaking out about getting everything together, finally finishes the cakes, and then freaks out anew when the rooster comes in and destroys everything. However, I would love to see the scene where the law was passed! I imagine a hilarious town hall meeting where Mr. Scoobie is like, “I demand we outlaw roosters in bakeries” and everyone else is like, “…huh?” And Mr. Scoobie is all frazzled and seems crazy because he’s just so distraught that his cakes were ruined. Right now, you just summarize this.
The next day there were no colony cakes only cupcakes. After the anniversary Mr. Scoobie went to the town hall and made them create a law that made roosters illegal in bakeries. This law never came off the books so technically it is still in existence today
The reason I think that’s a good scene to write out as a scene, rather than summarizing, is because how the law came about was the point of the whole story. So in a way, the meeting where they create the law is really the most important part of the story, but right now you sort of skip over it. I realize that in real life watching the process of how a law actually comes into being isn’t necessarily the most exciting thing, but you could make it pretty zany. After all, you’ve already got cupcakes in the shape of an American flag, cakes in the shapes of the thirteen colonies, a man from 1777 saying “omg,” and a baker chasing a rooster with a butterfly net.
!
.. Like here ..
Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735
Donate