Young Writers Society

Hello there! Unknown391625 here with review!

First off, this is a depressing, dramatic poem. Seeing from your portfolio, you have written other poems. Nice job! So, I have only one nitpick with this. In the first line, you started a sentence, ended the line with a comma, and started the next line with the first letter capitalized of the first word. That is really my only nitpick with this. Everything else is great. It rhymes! It's just really simple and great! You have an a,b,a,b pattern going on! Not bad at all! I would like to see more of your works! Don't give up and always write, Kajka!

-Unknown391625

Happy review day!

Hello, happy review day!

This is a very depressing poem. I love how you start off the poem with the idea of despair eating you from the inside. It makes the reader feel miserable, which really sets the whole mood. The whole poem then causes a hidden despair to appear and it worms its way into the readers mind.

The only nitpicks I have is to work on your rhyming couplet at the end and not capitalising every line-stick to the punctuation please. I would recommend making it as catchy and gripping as possible for the best results. Maybe try finding another word to rhyme with gone that still fits? You want to make it as memorable as possible-gone and dawn is not strong enough for the reader.

I can imagine that this person has gone through an emotional break up. Which would explain why he starts talking to the person with such loving words that stir up the reader's very heart.

An interesting poem...
That's all from me,
sorry it's such a short review,
Godly

Hey Kajka, I'm here for your review as requested.

While this gets some emotion across the point that you could see the most improvement is twisting the cliches with an image or abstraction. I and many other people call it, the process of making the poem yours. When done effectively the poem becomes alive, the emotion suddenly becomes real and honestly, if done well we could feel empathy for the feelings of you or your character. Right now, like so many poems it is numb.

a list of numb expressions;

Despair is within, eating me inside,

Attached to my heart, death is like a bliss.

pushing me aside.

becoming all there is,
Attached to my heart, death is like a bliss.

all forever gone,
A glance at your eyes makes me see new dawn.

Hi!
Thanks for requesting a review, but the next time copy and paste the link to your work in your request, so I can find it easier!

I really enjoy this because it is a short piece that is right to the point, but also tells a beautiful story. At the end, it leaves readers hopeful for a brighter future for the author/character. The only nitpick I can see is that the word a should be after see in the last line.

If you have any questions or need more reviews feel free to ask!
xoxo,
Rascalover

You know when you copy and paste a poem from a site somewhere and all the formatting gets removed? This reminds me of that. Places just keep popping out at me where you could put extra stuff in. For example, the rolling sentence of the first two lines reminds me of the Arctic Monkeys song 'Do I Wanna Know?' When you write it out as prose, the line goes:

Cos there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat, til I fall asleep, spilling drinks on my settee.

The on-and-on of the line shows the singer's desperation.

When I do this for yours:

Despair is within, eating me inside, absorbing all the joy, pushing me aside.

The roll on similarly shows desperation. I think you should take out the commas. It splits it up too much. But, it wouldn't make much sense as a big long sentence so I have an idea. How about:

Despair is within, eating
me inside, absorbing
all the joy, pushing
me aside.

That way, the clauses roll into each other and the actions are at the edges of the lines as if they are punching out at the reader.

I would suggest doing something similar with the second sentence.

Jammed
in the depths, becoming
all their is, attached
to my heart, death
is like a bliss.

The next line I think is fine.

The last line should definitely be separate, maybe even by two or three blank lines. Maybe:

A glance at your eyes makes
me see a new dawn.

Then the verb at the end would link with the verbs up the top.

What I've done here is rewrite your poem how I would enjoy reading it, and how I think others would enjoy reading it. As it is, I don't think it was as passionate as I know for a fact you are. I think it is really important to give this impact, which means you have to use a lot more poetic techniques, rather than just telling me something.

Hope this helps

The title you gave to your poetry really goes with whatever you have written inside. good job on that. i think, TITLE of one literary work is very much important.

"Nothing still remains, all forever gone,

A glance at your eyes makes me see new dawn."

i found these two lines where i really feel the thing "HOPE" is showing. i can connect myself to the poem, it's really nicely written.

But, i don't understand a thing, what's Horror in it? I don't understand really. "Beg your pardon"

and you have matched the lines with their last words, which brings little jingle to it. like,

inside; aside

there is; bliss

gone; dawn

Good work anyway. Have a nice day.