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A Snap-Dragon Stolen Chapter 2: (part 3)

by Ventomology


Lark shivered in the freezing fog that hung about the castle moat, her skin bunching into thousands of little dots. She’d found an hour or so of free time and thought it best to take Cadence out to play, then ran into Waverly at some point. Lark didn’t know why, but the girl had followed her outside, chattering incessantly about this and that, and how Misty would love to swim in the moat. And worse, she had a real coat of which Lark could be jealous.

As the one-fifteen gong echoed through the air, the girls stopped talking to watch their dragons splash around in the murky water. Their scales glimmered like freshly washed dishes, and if it weren’t for the fog and temperature, someone might have mistaken the day for a summery one.

“You know, Iris and I were thinking, since we heard rumors about the housekeepers in the wing, that we could do a little something for you,” Waverly said suddenly. “You remember Iris, right? The girl from this morning? Well, anyways, we heard that somehow, all of the prior head housekeepers of the Academic wing had disappeared mysteriously. And we thought that maybe it was because of some great big secret, and they’d been in danger because of that, and that maybe you’d need something to help with whatever that might be.”

“Oh, um…” Lark didn’t know what to say, really. She didn’t like being reminded of her predecessors’ fates, and while it was sweet of the apprentices to care, she also wasn’t sure she wanted their help.

“So we decided to give you a nice knife.”

Lark blinked. Her gaze turned towards Waverly, wide and confused. A knife? Whatever for?

“It’s a good weapon you know, for last resort. We’re going with a kind of iron and ash mix that, for one reason or another, is very strong. And the handle is going to be covered in black leather and-”

“No. Stop.” Lark brought her hands up into a ‘halt’ gesture and averted her eyes from Waverly’s face. “I really appreciate that you’d do that for me, but I can’t be carrying a knife. I’m a maid. I clean and deliver and take orders. I don’t know what happened to the other heads, but I’m going to stay out of it as long as possible.” She said it confidently, exaggerated, as though she had decided on the verdict the moment she had an inkling about anything. Lark even surprised herself with the statement.

Looking out at the grey, lumpy clouds that covered the sky, Waverly sighed. It was an odd thing for her, what with the cheery first impression and all.

“You know,” she said, voice soft and airy, like a mystic or prophet, “you may not have a choice.”

A beat of silence passed, and the cold afternoon pressed on Lark’s body. Pressure, pressure, pressure. It was everywhere she looked, everywhere she went. She needed to say something, an agreement or an argument; it didn’t matter. Anything.

But she didn’t. Instead, hard, raspy breaths caught Lark and Waverly’s attentions, and they turned around to find one of the younger maids hunched over, hands on her knees. Her breath rose in steamy, tired clouds before she looked up at Lark.

“The assistant director needs you in the kitchens immediately.”

How odd. “Did she say which?”

“The middle ones,” the maid said, nodding. “Hurry, you need to be there now.”

Lark took a step forward. Wait a minute.

“What should I do with my dragon?”

For the shortest moment, the other maid’s eyes widened. “Your dragon is here? Uh, well, is there anyone you can leave her with?” She pointed at Waverly. “The alchemist, perhaps?”

In the corner of her eye, Lark saw Waverly move to say something, but the girl stopped, bit her lip, and looked at the dragons splashing in the moat. They were dripping with happiness, shaking off hundreds of droplets of the stuff. Too bad they had swum in too far for the drops to reach Lark.

“We only just met yesterday,” Waverly said. “I can’t look after Lark’s dragon.” She turned back to Lark, her golden curls flying with a little too much cheer. Her smile was too wide, her eyes so knowing.

Then Lark felt it, the same feeling she’d gotten from Dorian earlier that day. It was like Waverly was telling her to keep Cadence around. But why?

The maid looked around and rubbed her hands together. “I guess there’s no helping it. Let’s just go inside. Dragon too.”

As they beelined for the kitchens, Lark felt a surge of self-consciousness rise in her throat. Eyes watched from every direction, disapproving and jealous. She wasn’t supposed to have her dragon with her on duty; only housekeeping staff with doll or pygmy dragons could keep them around.

Yet the hurry was enough that when Lark met the assistant just outside the kitchens, there was no annoyed lecturing or yelling, only a mildly confused facial expression when Cadence stepped to Lark’s heel.

“Ah, good you’re here. Terribly sorry for the rush, but carry this, please.” Stepping aside, the assistant gestured towards a large, silver tray. Atop it was a delicate, spiraling, porcelain tea set, painted with pink flowers and green and gold accents. A faint trail of steam rose from the spout of a stout little teapot, and Lark could smell its flowery taste.

As Lark picked up the tray with trembling hands, the assistant sent the maid off to wherever other duties called. She ran a hand through her fiery hair and spun to face Lark.

“Well, you’re here now. Let’s get to the fifth guest room. That's where you'll be taking this tea to every day.”

As Lark and the assistant rushed over meters and meters of green carpet, the assistant gave further details. Urgency crept through her voice the way green tinged a sick person’s cheeks.

“There are very special instructions with this tea,” the assistant said. “Two spoons of sugar must be placed in the tea, which the occupant will do herself, but if she doesn’t, you must insist. I haven’t a clue why, but that’s the rule. If the occupant faints, alert one of the apprentices immediately.”

Lark nearly stumbled as they passed the painting of Ritter. “Why in the power of snap-dragons would a person faint while taking tea?” She stopped walking, and Cadence rubbed against her skirts as though Lark might fall over again.

“That’s something I’d like to know myself,” the assistant said, turning around. “Now come on; we’re going to be late.”

There were more instructions after that. Lark learned that she was to stay with the occupant of the fifth guest room until every drop of tea was gone. Conversation ought to happen, but it should veer away from anything Lark might consider serious. She needed to be courteous, extremely so, and discovered that the door was only to be opened for the medical apprentices, head doctor, or a member of the royal family.

When finally, all the rules had been covered, Lark and the assistant stood before the door to the fifth guest room. It was a nice door, made of dark cherry wood with polished brass handles. The other doors in this hallway were much more elaborate though; the first one had been carved with a relief of some elaborate magic ritual, and the second one’s door frame was decorated with elegant metal vines and leaves.

The assistant took a deep breath and patted Lark’s back. “I’m so sorry I forgot to tell you about this yesterday. Good luck,” she said, before spinning around and hurrying back to the lobby.

Lark stared after her, and then at Cadence. The dragon was acting strangely now; she had her tail curled tightly around her legs, and her wings and shoulders hunched inwards. Cadence never did that.

“I’ll be fine,” Lark said to herself. She forced herself to smile, and her eyes pretended to light with joy, and then she opened the door and stepped into the fifth guest room.

Lark hadn’t known what she might expect, but this wasn’t it. The guest room was almost as bare as her own, the only difference being the presence of a wooden chair and nightstand. The bed was a little nicer too, but only a smidge.

Even more surprising was the occupant herself. It was a little girl, probably ten, maybe older, since Lark knew what that too-taut skin and bony frame meant. Everything about her reminded Lark of herself at that age; the girl’s brown hair was matted, and her eyes wore purple-grey bags underneath. Her eyes, though a curious brown, held the slightest touch of green, as if the girl envied something in others, yet didn’t know what it was.

“Hello there,” Lark offered, waiting until Cadence entered before closing the door as quietly as possible.

The girl said nothing back, only shifted her gaze to Lark’s dragon.

“I’ve brought tea,” Lark said. She tried to hold her smile, she really did, but it was hard to do with Cadence sitting right there. She could frown, fuss over the little girl’s gaunt appearance; her dragon’s presence let her. Yet she couldn’t.

After setting the tray on the nightstand, Lark took a seat, immediately noticing how deceptively cheap the chair looked. It had been carved for comfort.

“So, uh, what’s your name, Miss?” Lark asked. She tried to smooth out her skirt, even knowing that it would take a good bit of pressing to make it lay flat again.

The little girl sniffled and began pouring her tea, her hands quivering, frail. Everything about her seemed blank, not quite there, like the newer maids who weren’t used to being without their dragons. Every ounce of her focus was put into the tea; it was a lifeline, something to hold on to.

When the teacup was full, the girl finally opened her mouth to speak. “I’m Reina.” That was it. Two words. She picked up a tiny silver spoon from the tray which Lark hadn’t noticed before and dipped it into a cup of sugar.

“That’s a nice name.”

The girl furrowed her brow, watching a spoonful of tiny white crystals shake out into her tea. “You think so?”

“Oh yes,” said Lark. “It’s got a nice ring to it.”

“My father doesn’t like it.” As she spoke, Reina’s face was entirely straight. There wasn’t even a glimmer of sadness in her eyes or a curve from an angry mouth. She dumped a second lump of sugar into her tea and stirred, the spoon scraping against the porcelain.

“That’s a shame.”

The scraping noise continued, and Cadence made a strange sort of ‘meep’ noise before scratching an ear with her foot. Then she stood up and walked to Reina’s bedside to stick her nose into the sheets. All the while, Reina just kept stirring and watching the dragon.

It got to the point where Lark thought the entire situation felt absolutely ridiculous. Reina stopped stirring at some point, which Lark’s ears were quite thankful for, and sipped her tea. Cadence just kept on poking about. It was like she was searching for something that she knew was there, but couldn’t find it.

The whole thing went on for thirty minutes, which Lark only knew because Reina set her teacup on the tray just as the chimes rang a jubilant melody for two o’ clock.

“I am finished,” the girl said, “thank you for your company.” Then, instead of staring at Cadence, she looked at Lark instead.

That was her cue. Standing up, Lark smiled at Reina and picked up the silver tray, the porcelain pieces rattling slightly. She whistled for Cadence and creaked open the door.

“Have a nice day, Reina.” And then she stepped through, Cadence following behind.

When the door was shut, Lark let out a long, slow breath. She looked at Cadence, who sat facing the door, her tail thumping on the ground in slow, thoughtful waves. She looked at the teacup, which held the faintest ring of light brown tea around the bottom. Something felt off.

For a long moment, Lark looked at the sugar bowl, studying the half-covered paintings of flowers and vines that lined its inside.

It dawned on her.

Reina had no dragon.


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52 Reviews


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Sun Nov 30, 2014 8:01 pm
Aravis10 wrote a review...



Hi Buggie! Aravis, here to review! Happy Review Day! I haven't read your other chapters (though I might after this review) but I will still try to give you a helpful review.
I think that you're works are my some of my favorites on this website. I really like your style of writing and the way you effortlessly pull your readers into the scene. Although this is obviously a whimsical book, it isn't childish or forced-I've run into a lot of both of those in the fantasy genre on this website.
Nitpicks:

Lark shivered in the freezing fog that hung about the castle moat,
Since she is shivering, it is obvious that it is cold. Really, it's not a bad sentence; it's just a bad way to start a chapter.
She said it confidently, exaggerated, as though she
This was an awkward sentence. I had to read it a few times to get it which isn't a good thing.
Other critiques: I love your descriptions. But you are riding the dangerous line of a perfect amount of description to a little too much. Just make sure you use your description as a way to bring life to the story. Otherwise, it could drag the plot down (which I can't comment on too much since I haven't read the other chapters).
OK, I'm done. Go Earthbenders!!!!!!! Remember, "The skill to write comes from writing."




Ventomology says...


Go Black Knights! (Gotta cheer for my team).
And thanks for the review! I'm sorry I didn't see your piece through (I should read it for kicks though).



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Sun Nov 30, 2014 7:54 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hello! I really like your story. I actually haven't read the first two parts, but I still understood this just fine.


I really liked how it built up to the realization that Reina doesn't have a dragon. It's nice and dramatic, and it's perfectly justified - since Lark can't always have her dragon with her because of her work as a maid, it makes sense that she wouldn't be able to pinpoint that immediately.


When Waverly was talking about the knife they were making for Lark, some of her description of it felt a little unnatural, especially when talking about what it was going to be made out of. It felt kind of like she was trying to sell it or something.


Another phrasing nitpick:

It got to the point where the entire situation felt absolutely ridiculous.

Up until this point, we are deeply into Lark's viewpoint. We only see what she sees and feel what she feels. At this point, however, since you don't specify that Lark feels that the situation is absolutely ridiculous, it seems like the narrator is injecting his opinion into the narrative. While most readers wouldn't think it was necessarily doing that, it still distances them from Lark, which is something I don't think you want to do. Just say that Lark felt the situation was absurd, and you'll be fine.


Other than that, this is a great story you've got going. I really like it and I hope you continue!




Ventomology says...


Glad you liked it! Oh, and I'll look at that bit you mentioned.
Thanks!



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Sun Nov 30, 2014 7:52 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hello!

So this is my first time reading your story and so far I really like how you've got it written. You're not shying away from showing things, and you're not just telling us what's happening. There are some points I'd like you to improve with that, even if I am saying that. For instance, when you talk about Candice and Lark and the rest of them, I want to know what they look like more, and even if they are already described because this is the second chapter, I'd like brief additions like when you say they're like dishes, tell us what type, what color, how big, and stuff like that. It's going to add some health to the story's descriptions and really draw out what you're trying to say.

Content wise, I feel like this chapter moves ahead well and I like the mystery behind Reina. You do a good job not revealing what's going on completely because she's just without her dragon in the room, but we're missing the connection between how Lark realizes the dragon's not in the room when she first enters, and seeing Reina responding like she's new to being parted from her dragon for the first time, to Lark realizing the dragon is literally gone. I want more of a solid connection there so that we can follow her train of thought a little bit better.

The other thing I'd like to see is a development of the bond between the dragons and their humans. I'd like to see how this bond plays out more exactly for instance, how does Cadence know what Lark wants? Does she think it at her? does she have certain whistles for certain things? How did Cadence maneuver the halls when she went inside the castle following Lark? Where was she when they were doing that transition? Moreover, lets take a look at how the dragons respond to one another. Would a snapdragon get mad at Cadence for being in the halls? Would some of the people try to harm her, or harm her carelessly because she's not where she's supposed to be? It seems odd to have this rule without showing us why it is like that aside from social norms. Usually those norms are made for a reason, for instance, small dragons can maneuver the corners well enough that they don't take up the entire corridor. Big dragons can't.

If she doesn't leave her dragon with people when they're unfamiliar with one another, then who or where does she leave her dragon with or at when she goes to work without her? It seems odd to me that she couldn't just tell her dragon to Go Home.

So I suppose to improve your narrative, I'd give it a little more description about what's going on, more color, size, and weight words, and with this specific section, deal more with the idea that dragons aren't allowed inside, and maybe that's why Reina doesn't have her dragon with her.

I hope this helped.
-Aley




Ventomology says...


Those are good points. I'll keep them in mind for future explanation.
Thanks!



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Sun Nov 30, 2014 8:46 am
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

Finally, I have reached the third part! Just remember, Buggie, if you ever have anything you want me to review, just pop onto my wall and shout - I love reading your works, so I would be more than happy to oblige.

Also, in the previous review, I included my colourful legend, but, as we clearly saw, I never really used it. While that makes my reviews on your works less colourful than those of other authors, it emans your works contain far fewer errors, so let's hope I won't have to use it this time either!

My legend:
Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal


Lark shivered in the freezing fog that hung about the castle moat, her skin bunching into thousands of little dots.

Your starting sentence at first left me thinking, "How on earth did she go from being in the alchemist's quarters to being outside?" Then I read your next sentence and I had that "oh!" moment. (By the way, your description of her reaction to the cold is superb.)


And worse, she had a real coat for Lark to be jealous of.

There is nothing wrong with this sentece, except for the end-of-sentence-prepostition. It seems that very few people pay attention to those nowadays, so I mostly refrain from mentioning them, but since you are such a capable and skilled author, I thought you would probably appreciate it if I did inform you.

End-of-sentence-prepositions usually occur because people do not use the relative pronouns "which" or "what". In order to avoid end-of-sentence-prepositions, you need to take the guilty preposition and place it in front of an added relative pronoun. For example:
:!: This is the story we spoke of. - This is how most people would write; however, jsut because the majority of people write like this doesn't mean it is correct.
:!: This is the story of which we spoke. - This is how we should write. It is the only way for the sentence to be grammatically correct, so really, it is unavoidable.

When we take that knowledge and apply it to your sentence, it would look something like this:
:!: And worse, she had a real coat of which Lark could be jealous.
It may seem strange when writing like this, but with practice, it will become easier. If you write a particular sentence that just doesn't sound right when you write it without an end-of-sentence-preposition, then you may want to rewrite the sentence.


“You know,” she said, voice soft and airy, like a mystic or prophet, “you may not have a choice.”

Why do you want to write mystical, prophetic spirit? I don't hear about spirits giving advice to people as often as I hear about mystics or prophets doing so, so would it not be better to change it? Still, it is just a siggestion, so if you don't agree, you don't have to change it.


Then Lark felt it, the same feeling she’d gotten from Dorian earlier that day. It was like Waverly was telling her to keep Cadence around. But why?

Why wouldn't you want to keep your dragon close to you? If I had a draconic companion, we would be inseparable. I suppose it's because they grew up with them and partly take them for granted.


She wasn’t supposed to have her dragon with her on duty; only housekeeping staff with doll or pygmy dragons could keep them around.

Okay, the above statement had been clarified. But now I ahve another question: why aren't they allowed to have their dragons with them? Is it because the dragons are disruptive?


Her eyes, though a curious brown, held the slightest touch of green, as if the girl envied something in others, yet didn’t know what it was.

Thank goodness my eyes are sapphire-blue.


Reina had no dragon.

What an end to a chapter! I don't know much about this story as of yet, but clearly, it is most unusual for somebody not to have a dragon. Or perhaps Reina's dragon is the stolen Snap-Dragon, and since they feature quite extensively in exclamations, I can only begin to fathom their power.


Another great chapter (well, part, but YWS classifies it as a chapter) and I cannot wait to read more. It seems for every question you answer, you leave us with two more. We can only hope you answer then as the story progresses.


This review courtesy of
Image




Ventomology says...


*cue evil laughter* You're getting somewhere! Just wait till I introduce the suspects...
Anyhow, I really like that mystic/prophet thing. I'm using it when I fix this.



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Thu Nov 20, 2014 6:09 pm



This story's amazing, you should update soon, please. It is just so detailed, it makes me want to read the rest of the parts though for sure, I'll be reading it. The transition from one scene to another is just so amazing, please never stop writing.




Ventomology says...


Aw, thanks!




Alexa, are there European frat boys
— Carina