z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Starman Prologue ( Part 1 /? ) : To Steal a Picture and Find the Moon

by haven235


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

His universe was small, about the size of a regular bedroom. He sat on one corner of it, playing with a small orb of light that floated at the corner on the other end. By opening his hand he split the orb into numerous particles that scattered across the universe. When he made a fist the orb reformed. He’s been doing this for quite some time.

Brother…

On the corner of his eye he saw a tall humanoid shape, darker than his surroundings. It was approaching him. He replied “Brother,” to it casually.

The figure stopped. Green, glowing diamonds began to emerge from slits that were all over its body. A diamond far larger than the others formed on the center of its head. They all had red pupils that slowly shifted towards him, and for some reason, that made him feel something beat faster in his chest. He blinked and the figure was gone, so he continued to manipulate the orb.

What are you doing, Brother?

The voice came from behind. He jumped, suddenly feeling something on his shoulder. He turned and saw that it was his brother. “I don’t know,” he answered.

“Why are you here?” he then asked.

To welcome you, of course. So welcome.

There was a pause.

“I’m bored.”

Another pause.

His brother hovered towards the orb and closed its hand around it. Without a second thought he illuminated the universe once more, obliterating his brother’s hand in the process. An ethereal laugh then echoed throughout his universe. The sound made his body vibrate as if he were trembling in fear. In a flash his brother appeared in front of him. The large diamond almost touched his face. So do you want to do something?

“What do you have in mind?”

---

The red glow of the burning cigarillo tip was the only source of light he had as he traversed through the darkness. Here and there he would put his hand out to touch a tree, but he did that just for the hell of it.

He crunched onward until he stopped on a mound of dirt and gravel. He looked up, and then took one last drag – a long one – letting everything out in a powerful puff afterward. He ground up the cigarillo with the heel of his shoe while he stared at the smoke cloud he created. He grit his teeth. “Shit,” he grunted. He swiped away the smoke and began to move again. After a few steps forward, he seemed to be sliding down a slope.

---

He made sure that one stool beside him stayed empty. Keeping watch of the entrance, Rich Barnes was like the bar’s guard dog, alert to the security doorbell quickly turning his head to see whoever came inside. Not him… He looked back at his bottle and took a swig of beer. He then slammed it onto the counter and put it along with the other empties, forming a neat line that was close to the edge. “Yo,” he called out, and the bartender slid over to him his eighth.

The bartender then made a sweep through the counter, dropping all of the bottles into a large trash bag. When he reached Rich he asked, “Where’s Perry?”

“Dunno.” Rich wiped his face with his sleeve. It tickled as the flannel rubbed against the bristly hairs of his moustache. He wiped a little harder to ease that itch. “You know I invited him. I always invite him for a drink whenever I come here.”

“And he always comes.”

“Except for this time, and all those other times I asked him starting about, a couple months ago?"

The doorbell rang. It wasn’t Perry. Rich finished another bottle, and the bartender replaced it before attending to the new guest. “What’ll you have, Pat?” said the bartender.

“I’ll have what Rich’s having.” Pat knew not to sit next to Rich unless both sides were free. He sat on the stool just one over from the saved seat and met eyes with Rich. Rich didn’t smile, at least Pat couldn’t tell - he could never tell - but his eyes looked friendly. They nodded hello, and after that, as they were friends, Pat talked to Rich. “Say, Rich, Perry running late?”

“Dunno,” Rich repeated. He let out a small burp. “He’s been saying yes to the invites, but he’s never been showing.”

“I’ve noticed.” Pat took a sip from the bottle and couldn’t handle the drink. After a sharp exhale he leaned over to Rich and said, “Maybe he’s found someone else, huh?” while he nudged the air with his elbow. He had a silly grin on his face, which made Rich sigh.

“Very funny. He’s had a girl long before this started-” He was too late; Rich couldn’t take those words back. In his head he cursed at himself, angry that he too was drunk, but not as drunk as Pat, who was cackling like a hyena before Rich blurted out Perry’s secret.

Now everyone who was near had their heads - or bodies - turned towards him.

“Really?” said the bartender, whose brow furrowed. “How come he’s never talked about it?”

“Why would he?” said Rich, who decided to not even try to lie.

“True.” It was as if the whole bar said that.

“Hell, even as his best friend I’m lucky to have heard this from him.”

The bartender lowered his head and made a creepy grin. “So: how’s she look?” he said, while popping his eyebrows up and down.

Rich chuckled. “Well, the fact that Perry’s got a girlfriend is surprising enough, at least for me. But what I’m about to tell you is gonna be the most impossible thing you guys’ll ever hear: She is hot!”

Rich’s audience roared in disbelief. Amidst the chaos he heard the bartender yell “But what does she look like!” Before Rich could describe her a person walked into the bar.“Sorry I couldn’t make it those other times Barney, shouldn’t’ve said ‘yes’ to any of those invites.”

Rich had his hands up, each having two fingers sticking out, and was about to draw a shape in the air. He hastily brought them back down onto the counter and tapped his fingers on the wood. The people who were listening to him tried to get back to normal as quickly as they could. Pat, confused, looked from side to side. At the sight of Perry his eyes widened.

“There you are!” slurred Pat. He wrapped his arm around Perry’s shoulder, and continued: “We were just talking about you, you two-timin’ sonuvabitch!”

Rich shook his head. “Sal? Why’d you let him drink that?”

The bartender shrugged. “He’s a customer.”


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Tue Nov 25, 2014 5:35 am
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artemis15sc says...



Wow. I was very impressed by your writing. You've blended a lot of essential elements together. It's also super creative, but not so much that I can't visualize what's going on.

My one little note is that the section with Rich and Pat was a little slow. I get that you're introducing the characters but maybe cut out some of the mundane dialogue and just keep the good stuff. I also think you can cut out this sentence.

“I’ll have what Rich’s having.” Pat knew not to sit next to Rich unless both sides were free. He sat on the stool just one over from the saved seat and met eyes with Rich. Rich didn’t smile, at least Pat couldn’t tell - he could never tell - but his eyes looked friendly. They nodded hello, and after that, as they were friends, Pat talked to Rich. “Say, Rich, Perry running late?”

Just keeps the pacing up. You may need to add another dialogue tag for pat for it to still flow.

Other than that. All I have are nitpicks:

He’s been doing this for quite some time.
You never want to have a to be verb followed by a verb ending in -ing. Change "Been doing" to "done"

On the corner of his eye he saw a tall humanoid shape, darker than his surroundings.
Should this be, "out of the corner of his eye..." ?

After a few steps forward, he seemed to be sliding down a slope.
I think you could make this sentence stronger, as right now it falls a little flat. It's very tell-y, when it could be more show-y. Describe what's happening, and what leads him to the conclusion that he's on a slope? Maybe as he takes a few steps forward he stumbles forward and almost loses his balance, or his feet start moving very quickly and that's how he figures out he's sliding down the slope. it's a little thing, but it can go a long way in keeping your readers engaged.

Rich’s audience roared in disbelief. Amidst the chaos he heard the bartender yell “But what does she look like!” Before Rich could describe her a person walked into the bar.“Sorry I couldn’t make it those other times Barney, shouldn’t’ve said ‘yes’ to any of those invites.”
Since two different characters are speaking in this paragraph, the second character's dialogue should be in a new paragraph. new dialogue(from a different speaker than the above) always gets a new paragraph.

And that's all I've got. You have great pacing, other than the place mentioned, characterization, description, originality, so many great things are happening here. You've struck gold! Keep going with this.

Thanks for sharing

-Art




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Tue Nov 25, 2014 5:35 am
artemis15sc wrote a review...



Wow. I was very impressed by your writing. You've blended a lot of essential elements together. It's also super creative, but not so much that I can't visualize what's going on.

My one little note is that the section with Rich and Pat was a little slow. I get that you're introducing the characters but maybe cut out some of the mundane dialogue and just keep the good stuff. I also think you can cut out this sentence.

“I’ll have what Rich’s having.” Pat knew not to sit next to Rich unless both sides were free. He sat on the stool just one over from the saved seat and met eyes with Rich. Rich didn’t smile, at least Pat couldn’t tell - he could never tell - but his eyes looked friendly. They nodded hello, and after that, as they were friends, Pat talked to Rich. “Say, Rich, Perry running late?”

Just keeps the pacing up. You may need to add another dialogue tag for pat for it to still flow.

Other than that. All I have are nitpicks:

He’s been doing this for quite some time.
You never want to have a to be verb followed by a verb ending in -ing. Change "Been doing" to "done"

On the corner of his eye he saw a tall humanoid shape, darker than his surroundings.
Should this be, "out of the corner of his eye..." ?

After a few steps forward, he seemed to be sliding down a slope.
I think you could make this sentence stronger, as right now it falls a little flat. It's very tell-y, when it could be more show-y. Describe what's happening, and what leads him to the conclusion that he's on a slope? Maybe as he takes a few steps forward he stumbles forward and almost loses his balance, or his feet start moving very quickly and that's how he figures out he's sliding down the slope. it's a little thing, but it can go a long way in keeping your readers engaged.

Rich’s audience roared in disbelief. Amidst the chaos he heard the bartender yell “But what does she look like!” Before Rich could describe her a person walked into the bar.“Sorry I couldn’t make it those other times Barney, shouldn’t’ve said ‘yes’ to any of those invites.”
Since two different characters are speaking in this paragraph, the second character's dialogue should be in a new paragraph. new dialogue(from a different speaker than the above) always gets a new paragraph.

And that's all I've got. You have great pacing, other than the place mentioned, characterization, description, originality, so many great things are happening here. You've struck gold! Keep going with this.

Thanks for sharing

-Art




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Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:32 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Starman Prologue ( Part 1 /? )


I was wondering by the question mark right there, if you were wondering what to have this as? I thought I'd just ask to make sure, and then tell you which one I thought would work best as a starter. Personally, I'm against prologues so my opinion may be rather biased, but this does sound like a Part 1 to me, regardless of what I think about prologues. Just thought I'd tell you which one I thought it was, in case you were asking. ^ ^ Not really sure.

Seeing as this is a completely new story, I know that I'm going to have tons of questions that won't be answered until later. Going off of that, I'm wondering about this Brother of his. He is obviously not human, even though he is referred to as a humanoid figure, and from the way you describe him, I got this image in my head of this creature in the movie Thor. Why I have no idea, it probably is just me. I'm a bit confused, though, as to why he's calling this creature Brother, when it sounds like he's human and not well, ummm, whatever this brother is. Guess I'll have to find out. ;) I also, really appreciate how you did the thought process of the Brother to the MC and then with the MC replying. I've seen sooo many works where people will have something similar and it would be utterly confusing and bizarre. Here, though, I wasn't confused in the slightest and that is something that I'm super happy about. No idea how happy I am over this. One little, tiny thing that you could consider, is to try and cut out the number of times he references towards him as brother. It seemed a tiny bit redundant in the beginning. Not a big deal, but just something to look at when you go back for an edit.

And next in this would be the bar scene. Now this is one thing that I utterly hate in men, is getting drunk. No reason for it, in my mind. :P I usually always make a point of telling them so as well. xD But anyways, back to the review.

I'm really wondering how many beers it would take for someone to feel drunk? I know you said eight, but that seems like an almost too big of a number for how he's acting. He isn't acting particularly drunk in my opinion, but rather just a wee bit tipsy. I was wondering if you'd thought about maybe having him slur his words a little? It might help in show that's he's drunk. I'm totally not an expert in this type of thing, but just a suggestion. Hope you understand. :D

He replied, “Brother,” to it casually.


Even though the dialogue tag is before the actual dialogue, you still need a comma. Where I put it in red, is where it should go.

What are you doing, Brother?

The voice came from behind. He jumped, suddenly feeling something on his shoulder. He turned and saw that it was his brother. “I don’t know,” he answered.


I understand that his brother disappeared and then he reappeared, so you think that maybe you should clarify who's touching him, but I don't think it was really that necessary. Instead of saying outright that it was his brother, I would have preferred a little hinting and referencing. Like something glinting off of his brother that you had previously mentioned would be a good reference maybe. Just something to where you don't say outright that his brother reappeared but we will obviously get that it is indeed his brother standing there.

He ground up the cigarillo with the heel of his shoe while he stared at the smoke cloud he created


Ohh, never heard of a cigarillo... The things I learn everyday. ;)

“Would he?” said Rich,


I was reading this and the text beforehand, trying to make sense of it all and yet I just felt that something was missing here. Put why before would. I think it would flow much smoother.

“So: how’s she look?”


This is just a matter of opinion now, as I've never seen someone use a colon like this before. I think it would be much better and more professional looking if you just used a comma here instead. Also, this sounds soooo like a man. Always asking about the woman's looks. xD

you guy’s’ll ever hear: She is hot!”


And again... This could have easily been a comma or a period. Right now, it just looks sorta wrong to me. Sorry, if I'm wrong about this. I have never used colon's in writing before, truth be told.

bartender yell “But what does she


Comma after yell.

“Sorry I couldn’t make it


Comma after sorry.

Well, that is all for nitpicks I believe. I would have to say, though, that this last line here-

The bartender shrugged. “He’s a customer.”


was just awesome. *snorts* Show's he really cares for the reputation of the guy and only views him as a way to get his money. Which is, of course, legit in my eyes. I mean, he is a bartender after all.

Anyways, this piece had very little grammatical mistake and some great characterization in it. I would really love it, if you did continue with this, to tell me when you do. I'm not one to review rated works whatsoever, but sometimes I do make exceptions and upon reading this I decided to make that exception. :D This was really great, and please tell me when you post more. ^ ^

Keep writing!

~Cricket




haven235 says...


Thanks for the review! The question mark on 1 /? is just a placeholder number as I don't know how many parts this prologue will have. Glad the dialogue between the MC and his brother was clear. A question though : I put the brother%u2019s lines in italics to give him a unique voice. Have you ever read the comic Batman : Arkham Asylum? The typesetter made the effort to give each character their own voice through different fonts and formatting. I wonder if what I did was similar to that, and that it is not grammatically incorrect. Plus, about the colons : I'm not entirely sure how to use them correctly either. I'm just putting them because of personal preferences as well. I just feel that that's right.

Realistically eight bottles of liquor would make a person lose it. Since my story will include supernatural elements, I defied reality a bit and made Rich's alcohol tolerance high, as well as a distinguishing feature of his.

Thanks again, and I definitely will continue this. Prepare for crazy things to happen in the next installments.



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Thu Nov 13, 2014 7:12 am
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Burrow wrote a review...



Jack here for a review.

Ok firstly you describe this story extremely well I can imagine the bedroom really well, then the pub I swear I can almost smell the bear. This story you are writing has got me very intrigued. As for know I am confused though what the first part has to do with the second part, but the powers the guy has at the start sounds real nice. I suggest that maybe you wrote more about the other boy first, but its up to you because it still makes me want to keep reading.

A few nit-picks though:

The figure stopped. Green, glowing diamonds began to emerge from slits that were all over its body.

I suggest that you makes this one full sentence, re do it. It would flow much better, but either way it was very well explained.

“Very funny. He’s had a girl long before this started-!”

What is the point of (-) this at the end of the sentence, I suggest you change this, maybe just take it out...


But not as drunk as Pat, who was cackling like a hyena before Rich blurted out.

I really liked this sentence, especially the way you explained the laugh. Though I suggest you don't start the sentence with But.

Also I suggest you change the bit after the heading about the picture and moon. Its a bit long, personally.

“Yo,” he called out. The bartender slid over to him his eighth.

Make this one sentence not two.

The red glow of the burning cigarillo tip was the only source of light he had as he traversed through the darkness. Here and there he would put his hand out to touch a tree, but he did that just for the hell of it.

He crunched onward until he stopped on a mound of dirt and gravel. He looked up, and then took one last drag – a long one – letting everything out in a powerful puff afterward. He ground up the cigarillo with the heel of his shoe while he stared at the smoke cloud he created. He grit his teeth. “Shit,” he grunted. He swiped away the smoke and began to move again. After a few steps forward, he seemed to be sliding down a slope.

This bit was very confusing, I had no idea who it was, or what it was about. I suggest you take it out, or add a little more information because it really stuffed the story up for me, everything else was good, but this was extremely confusing, though everything was well described, add a little more information.

“I invited him. I always invite him for a drink whenever I come here. You know that.”

I see what you are trying to do here, but I suggest that you don't have three sentence but maybe one or two, it would flow better.

Besides those this is really well written, and I would love to read more, it has a lot of potential for a great story, and if you work on your grammar, there would be no point for a review, so great job, keep me posted when you write more. Thumbs up!!

Jack




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Tue Nov 11, 2014 5:31 pm
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Shadowolf765 wrote a review...



Shadowolf here :D

Very descriptive and a lovely read! I have to say that I couldn't find anything that could do to be changed. The beginning starts off slow but interesting (As most first chapters do) and the next little tid bit invites you to keep reading. The more or less normal feel of the bar has the reader sitting back smiling along as if they two were sitting in the bar listening to this man. I thoroughly enjoyed this read and i can't wait for your next installment. Keep on keeping on and good luck!




haven235 says...


Thanks!




I'll actually turning 100 soon
— Ari11