z

Young Writers Society



Untitled: Chapter 6

by Gravity


A/N: This was written for NaNo, it was written rather quickly. I also had a hard time writing this....

I awoke the next morning with my Mom’s sketchbook clutched to my chest underneath my blanket and Cora snoring softly next to me.

Most of the girls were asleep, there were probably about 140 total and there were maybe two or three empty cots. I figured it must be early, so I checked my phone. It was a little after 9 am.

Not bad, I thought to myself.

So I unlocked my phone and noticed two things. One, that it needed to be charged, I had about half battery left. Two, there was a text from Aunt Rose asking what had happened from late last night. I quickly typed a reply.

Everything is fine, there was a small dorm fire on my floor but it was caused by lightning and no one was hurt. Will call u later.

Then I sent a text to Timothy.

Not sure if ur up, wanna hang out today?

I locked my phone and folded my blanket neatly on my cot before quietly climbing down the stairs and telling the Dorm Advisor I was leaving. She nodded and let me leave, warning me that it was a little chilly outside.

The sunshine hit my face and warmed my skin as I stepped out of the building despite the chilly breeze that swept my messy hair away from my face. I tucked the sketchbook protectively inside my robe while I walked across campus, seeing a few students milling about here and there.

I reached the girl’s dorm and walked up to one of the dorm advisors on the first floor with the desk and computer. After getting the okay from her, I trudged up the stairs and halfway down the long hallway. My first day, I hadn’t realized how many girls that stayed on each floor. When I walked into my room, it dawned on me how many rooms there were and how much damage there was. I thought it how incredible it must be that the faculty thought they could order enough to replace the supplies of all these girls. Like they were already prepared.

Then I stepped foot into the room and was overwhelmed with the smell of musty fabric. I groaned internally and tried to see how much damage there was. Thankfully, it was still the beginning of the semester so there were no homework assignments on the desk or scattered about the room. The wooden chest was damp and looked like it was beginning to rot. The clothes in the top drawer were wet but the other clothes seemed to be fine. I grabbed the top drawer of Cora’s clothes too so I could wash them. There was nothing in there that was white or would bleed so I wasn’t worried.

After I put my sketchbook on the high shelf above the uniforms, I pulled on dark colored jeans, my favorite black top with bright paint splatters, high tops and a jacket. Then I looked over at the closet. I was not excited to see what awaited me there.

There was a laundry basket on the floor and after I noticed this, I saw that my uniforms, at least, were dry. A little moisture had seeped in through the crack in the door, but the only wet uniforms were Cora’s and even those were just slightly damp. Nevertheless, I put the few outdits in the basket along with my wet clothes. I was hoping to get them in the laundry before they molded. So I hefted the basket downstairs, in search of a laundry room.

The dorm advisor who had helped me last night directed me to a room off the first floor, just behind the information desk. There were rows of washing machines in the middle of the room with dryers stacked by twos on the sides. She showed me how to use the powdered soap as I’d only ever used liquid.

“I feel really awkward not knowing this, but what’s your name?” I asked her this just as she showed me how to fill up the machine with water before adding soap.

“Katherine. You can call me Katie, though.” She smiled warmly at me and I noticed the dark circles under her eyes.

“Katie. Well thank you for helping me last night. With the panic attack and getting everyone settled.” She looked a little surprised at my gratitude.

“It’s no problem. I was told about your situation and I went through something similar. My Mom died in a car crash when I was a little girl. Afterwards my Dad drank a lot and eventually died of liver disease my first few years of college. I ended up having to drop out to take care of his debt.” She helped me load my clothes into the wash and I wasn’t sure what to say. She really did understand what I was going through, which was a first.

“You’re different from the others, aren’t you?” After the pause and the closing of the machine lid, I was surprised at her question and not quite sure how to answer her.

“What do you mean?” Her eyes lifted toward the ceiling. Not like she was rolling her eyes but like she was thinking. She twirled her brown hair around her finger before replying.

“The other girls take me for granted sometimes. Like I’m their jailer or something. I don’t expect to be best friends with them or anything but at times it feels like the little things I do, and sometimes the bigger things, are overlooked.” I nodded as she answered, understanding exactly what she was feeling.

“It’s nothing you do or don’t do. I guess it’s just teenagers. We take things for granted most of the time and have a tendency to overlook the little things.”

She shrugged. “Well, you’re welcome. Let me know if you have any trouble with the dryer.” She left the room and my phone buzzed.

Meet me outside the guy’s dorm?

It was from Timothy, so I left the laundry room and waved to Katie before going outside. He met me with a lopsided grin, wearing his usual hoodie, jeans and shirt ensemble. This time his shirt was a little nicer, he had on a blue and yellow striped polo that would’ve looked awful on anyone else.

“Hey,” he paused, “Want to go for a walk?” I nodded before falling into step beside him. We walked into silence for a while, passing the boy’s dorm and heading towards the edge of the woods. Then we circled around the loop, coming back towards the rec building that was still closed to anyone but girls. I caught sight of myself in the reflective doors, seeing how messy my hair was. it stuck out at odd angles, frizz consuming my curls at certain spots and I laughed.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“Look at my hair! Why didn’t you tell me it was so messy?” He giggled with me a little bit as I tied my hair up into a high ponytail, relishing the feel of the strands of hair that were too short and hung down, framing my face and tickling the nape of my neck. My hair was short so the bottom of the ponytail came nowhere close to touching my skin and it felt lighter.

“I thought it looked fine. You’re pretty, Wyatt. I hate seeing girls like Olivia who are so ugly on the inside, but know they’re pretty on the outside. Then I see girls like you, with a good personality but worry about what they look like. Sometimes I just want to shake every nice girl by the shoulders and tell them how pretty they all are, at least where it counts.” I listened to his speech, feeling my smile grow and widen. Especially compared to model-esque girls like Olivia and Cora, I felt ugly and awkward. Hearing Timothy’s opinion on the matter made me feel a little better.

“I noticed you had a sketchbook last night. Do you draw?” he gestured for me to sit down at a park bench.

“Yeah, I do. My Mom always taught me how to draw and sketched examples and things for me in my sketchpads. That was my current one, the last book of mine she ever drew in. It’s my most prized possession.” I stared down at my feet, feeling Timothy’s steady gaze on me as he processed and thought about it.

“Well, I’d like to see some of your drawings sometime.” His voice was brighter than before, but not overly cheery. He could sense that I needed a change in mood.

We got up from the park bench and I lead Timothy to the girl’s dorm. Since school was canceled, Katie let Timothy go in the building so he accompanied me while I put my clothes in the dryer.

Students were beginning to wake up and the grounds got more and more crowded. When I finished putting the last of my clothes in the dryer and punching in the settings, my phone buzzed.

Where r u?

It was from Cora. I typed back a response. In the laundry room w Timothy. Come with?

Her next text came a second later. k

We waited for about ten minutes before Cora came through the door, clad in her black robe, black boots and black pjs. Her hair was mussed and her skin was slightly blotchy, but she looked gorgeous as always.

“How’s the room? I haven’t been up there yet.” Her speech was just slightly heavy with sleep but for the most part she seemed alert.

“A few of your uniforms got wet, the clothes in the top drawers of the chests were soaked but the other clothes seemed okay since the wood is pretty thick. They might smell a bit musty but nothing a little fabric freshener can’t solve. I think the blankets and bedding and things might be ruined. I know mine need to be dry cleaned but I think it’s started molding. I wasn’t sure about yours.” I rambled on and on but neither Cora nor Timothy seemed to mind.

“I guess I better grab my clothes, then.” She turned to leave.

“No, I threw them in with mine. Neither of us really had anything that would bleed so I figured I should. I didn’t mean to go through your things or anything…” I trailed off, biting my lip. Now I was rethinking putting Cora’s clothes in with mine. I hope she didn’t think I was snooping.

“Wow,” she said, “That was actually really nice of you, Wyatt. Thanks.” I was expecting her to blow up but instead I was rewarded with a smile. Just then the dryer beeped and I pulled the clothes out and into the laundry basket.

“I can help fold if you want,” she said, reaching for the laundry basket.

“No, you go ahead. You should probably go upstairs and shower and get changed.” I’d remembered from the previous morning she had showered then. Cora shrugged and went up to the dorm room. So I began folding clothes, sorting them into piles.

Timothy had been quiet this whole time but then he spoke. “She wears a lot of black, doesn’t she? Well, black and red. I’ve seen her wear red a lot too.” I shrugged, not really caring. I guessed he was just filling silence so I went on folding clothes.

Then Cora came back in wearing blue jeans, a black green day t shirt and black converse high tops. She had pulled on a red jacket that was exactly like the one Timothy was wearing and she had thrown on a little eyeliner and lip gloss. We continued in silence, almost done with laundry until Timothy spoke suddenly, making me jump.

“Why did you put on makeup?” We both looked up and Cora blinked.

“Huh?” Nice going Cora, way to sound intelligent.

“Your eyes look darker and your lips are shiny and stuff. I’m assuming you’re wearing makeup.” Timothy cocked his head to the side for a second, examining Cora’s face as her pale cheeks turned pink under her black crop of hair.

“I… uh…” Seriously, Cora. Way to go. I was giggling internally until she actually said something coherent. “It makes me feel more confident.”

“Well you’re beautiful without it. I mean… um… you don’t need it.” Now it was Timothy’s turn to blush and he took the laundry basket, walking out of the laundry room with a blushing Cora and a giggling me in tow.

He bumped into the wall on the stairs and I had to place my hand on his back to hold him steady and direct him. A few girls saw us on the landings and were giggling. Cora and I turned and looked at each other.

“Freshmen,” she said, rolling her eyes. I giggled and we ran a little faster up the stairs before walking down our hallway and to our dorm room.

As we walked in, Timothy set the basket on the floor. Cora almost shut the door before I stopped her, gesturing at Timothy. Then she sat down on the bed before jumping right back up again, remembering the covers were cold and wet. Timothy laughed, giving me an embarrassed ‘Can we go’ look.

“Hey Cora, are guys allowed in the rec building yet?” I asked her this hoping we could all watch a movie. Maybe then we could avoid one of them putting their foot in their mouth.

“Yeah, they were letting people in just as I was leaving. Why?”

“I was thinking we could watch a movie.” Their faces brightened at this, apparently both were excited to not stumble over their own words for once.

“Hang on, I have to grab my phone charger,” I dug through the chest with my stuff. “Cora, have you seen it?”

“No, just use mine for now.” She tossed me her phone charger which, unsurprisingly was black. We had the same phone so I knew it would work.

We headed over to the rec hall where the smell of freshly toasted bagels wafted through the courtyard. I hadn’t had breakfast and my stomach growled, reminding me that it needed food. Apparently the noise had been pretty loud because both Cora and Timothy looked at me and laughed.

“Let’s stop and get some breakfast, shall we?” Cora said laughing, covering her mouth with her hand sheepishly.



We walked to the rec hall and Timothy suggested watching Finding Nemo. So we grabbed a few bagels and headed upstairs. And finally, for once, I felt normal. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Sun Mar 08, 2015 12:09 am
Kale wrote a review...



And here I am yet again for another chapter!

First thing I noticed: you need to set the texts off somehow from the rest of the story. Italicizing them is the simplest way, though you could get more creative and use a different font for the texts if you wanted to. The important thing is that the texts are set off from the narrative somehow, because otherwise, they just blend into the narration, which is a bit confusing.

As for how Wyatt texts, it's a really weird hybrid of proper English and very rare chatspeak, and it's not super consistent, especially when it comes to the punctuation. I don't know if this is deliberate, but it struck me as strange because I've never seen anyone text with a mix like that. That is to say, people mix improper and proper English in texts all the time, but they tend to be consistent in which forms they use, including punctuation. Wyatt switches between using commas instead of periods and using periods, and she sometimes types out words like "with", but not always.

Just as your characters' dialogue characterizes them, how they text also characterizes them, and right now, Wyatt's texting is a bit all over.

The wooden chest was damp and looked like it was beginning to rot.
[...]
Nevertheless, I put the few outdits in the basket along with my wet clothes. I was hoping to get them in the laundry before they molded.

Misspelled "outfits" aside, it takes a fair amount of time for things to rot and mold. A few hours overnight is nowhere near enough time for water to seep through wood to make it soft, and it definitely isn't long enough to cause the wood to rot or clothing to mold.

“It’s nothing you do or don’t do. I guess it’s just teenagers. We take things for granted most of the time and have a tendency to overlook the little things.”

Have you ever heard anyone actually say this in real life? I haven't, and so lines like these really throw me out of the story, especially since they often have a very clear purpose. This one just screams "Wyatt is very self-aware! She's not like other teenagers! She's super mature!"

I'm not buying it. Her actions so far don't support her being mature and self-aware (especially considering how quickly she snapped at Timothy), and considering she can't seem to decide whether or not she's ready to talk to people or not (she's done a lot of talking to unfamiliar people recently for someone who made a point of not talking to people at all for quite some time) her character comes across as terribly inconsistent, and basically she's a puppet of what the plot demands rather than a character in her own right.

I keep coming back to characterization because it's a really big issue in all the chapters so far, and I think it might be a good idea if you sat down and worked out each of the characters' motivations, goals, feelings, and personality traits and seeing how those things interact with other characters. Wyatt in particular is lacking consistent personality traits, and considering she's the main viewpoint character, that is a really bad thing.

Your characterization is something you definitely want to focus on in later drafts.




User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Tue Nov 11, 2014 1:38 pm
View Likes
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here

Sorry I arrived so late. :/ Didn't get in until later on last night - no time to write a review at all. Bleh. Life gets in the ways of my priorities all the time. I need to inform her (oh, life is definitely a heerrrr. hee-hee) that I have other things to attend to, like this reviewww.

Let's get going!

140 total and there were maybe two or three empty cots. I figured it must be early, so I checked my phone. It was a little after 9 am.


Something you do quite a bit throughout this and other pieces is your usage of both the numeral and the written-out version of numbers. Usually, you pick one or the other - not both. Even in just the sentences I pulled out, both are used. I would really stick to writing the numbers out rather than the numeral. I don't actually know the real reason by, but it's always what I have been taught. Perhaps since we're supposed to use letters - not numbers?

Everything is fine, there was a small dorm fire on my floor but it was caused by lightning and no one was hurt. Will call u later


I have a couple of thoughts on the texting. I would say that while you do the texting, you should play it out for all you can. Make it as authentic as texting can be. I have a stupid autocorrect on mine, so everything is automatically spelled properly and capitalized (Huzzah!), but I know with many phones, you just typpeee. And I think that with your writing style, which is something loose (as in you can play and tweak with it), you could really take the texting and have fun. Use bad capitalization. Misspell words. Use lots of abbreviations. I don't know how you text, but however you do it - do it for Wyatt, too. I think it would be a good way to stick with the same kind each time. Also, I would consider italicizing the texting. As of right now, they don't stand out enough for me and melt into the piece rather then stand out as I think they should.

Then I stepped foot into the room and was overwhelmed with the smell of musty fabric.


The wooden chest was damp and looked like it was beginning to rot.


I will say nope to each of these, Rose. The first one seems almost realistic... as long as the clothing had been lying there somewhat wet (if they're saturated, I am pretty sure they won't mold). AND as long as they'd been lying there for a few days. One night doesn't seem long enough for clothes to begin to mold, otherwise all of our wet towels from water spills in the house would constantly be moldy from sleeping the night with them still wet. That one is almost passable, and I wouldn't have said anything about it save for the second part I quoted. Not that definitely isn't going to work. Wood takes quite a bit longer to begin to rot - possibly years before they show serious signs of rotting away, and sometimes months. You have neither of those dates. The wood would make the chest feel quite a bit heavier, and it would be darker... but not rotting yet. Give it some time, first. :)

Nevertheless, I put the few outdits in the basket along


You write a lot of essays, and I think this is just a word that snuck in from your essay vocabulary. I would avoid nevertheless if you can. Not only is it a word you need fourteen hours to pronounce properly, but it doesn't sound like a word Wyatt would just throw around like a household word. Perhaps in debate club, but in day-to-day life, it seems a bit too much.

I rambled on and on but neither Cora nor Timothy seemed to mind.


This isn't a nitpick I would normally pull out for you, but since I have noticed it quite a few times now, I think I shall point it out. In most cases (not all, because I have spotted cases), you do need a comma before "but". There are the occasion to the rule, but the majority of the time demands that comma. Okay? :)

I mean… um… you don’t need it.” Now it was Timothy’s turn to blush


I just think you're doing a wonderful job with the characters so far. Cora is really awesome, and one thing I really like about her character is her choice in clothing colors. It isn't normal, true - but that what makes her so more unique. Everything of hers has to be a certain color, and I think that gives us something more we can use to connect to her character. I really like the part with the makeup where Timothy and Cora are stuttering like fools. xD Couldn't have been better.

Timothy suggested watching Finding Nemo


This Timothy is very wise. *nods* Yup.

I just really love this chapter, Rose. Yes, it was written quickly. Yes, you have more grammar and punctuation mistakes than you have in the other chapters (and I think if you cleared those up when you get around to editing, you'll be able to see the chapter for its real worth). But the story inside the piece, and your writing - well, they're just as good, if not better. So don't worry about how the novel is going. You can relax. Every time I read a chapter of yours, I am amazed by how far you take each one. This strikes me as more of a character driven story. They are the power behind your writing. Each of these amazing people really pull me into your story, and want me to always continue reading more. And that is a promise when I say that. I truly want more when I am finished. ^.^

I think you're doing wonderfully with the plot and everything. Although the mom and dad's death wasn't really mentioned in this chapter, was it? That was a bit too sudden of a drop for me. Perhaps one or two mentions would be adequate to set her mentality for the chapter, which is happy, but not make it seem as though she has forgotten completely. You can figure it out, and put just the right amount. You always do.
<3
~Darth Timmyjake




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 495
Reviews: 9

Donate
Mon Nov 10, 2014 7:18 pm
View Likes



First thing I noticed: your OCD when it comes to the battery life of your electronics. I laughed really hard when she said that her phone needed charged when it had half of its battery left. Hahahaha. I am really enjoying this. Keep on writing! :)





Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist