z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Fantastical Book 1: The Mirror (Chapter Four)

by RedMoon


Skrogit was having a bad day.

Not that the past few days had been any better, but today in particular was bad.

After the scene in the dungeons of the Master’s fortress, Skrogit’s squadron had been hastily summoned, gathered, and sent out with orders to find someone who knew the Green Forest or, if no one could be found, to hunt down the escaped prisoner who would undoubtedly be headed for the Green Forest. Either way, they were headed for the Forest; but as frightening as that was, it wasn’t the reason for Skrogit’s black mood. He’d been in campaigns against the Green Forest twice now, and he had survived. He held it with respect and maybe a touch of fear but nothing more.

Nor did the fact that the last day had been spent on a grueling march have anything to do with it. He was a soldier, a captain, and he was a Scrio. Grueling marches were a part of everyday life, and Scrios, though bigger and clumsier than men, were naturally stronger and more resistant to things like the weather. They also had greater stamina. They could maintain a steady jog for hours on end without having to stop for food, water or a quick rest. Even a Scrio child could do this, and some better than most adults. It was a good thing, too, because it was hard during daylight hours, wearing heavy armor.

It also didn’t matter that they hadn’t found a guide. There had been rumors of an individual who lived there, but nothing had come of it. Skrogit had expected as much, though. Even the Dainites, more used to the Green Forest than anyone else, feared it.

No, Skrogit’s problem was with Murk.

Skrogit could live with the Green Forest. He could live with grueling marches and he could even live with failure; but the one thing Skrogit could not live with was Murk.

Murk was the captain of the second squadron sent out to hunt down the escaped prisoner. Skrogit did not view Murk very highly, although doing so might get him a higher rank. To him, Murk was a fat, cowardly, stupid Scrio who only made it as far as he had in the hierarchy of the army because of his father, General Phlem’ka. Technically, Skrogit and Murk were on the same level, both being captains; but because Murk’s father was Skrogit’s commanding officer, Skrogit could do nothing for fear of losing his position. Worse, Murk knew that, and he took every opportunity to make sure that Skrogit did as well.

Like now.

They had reached the edge of the Green Forest a few hours before mid-day, and because his men had been marching since sun-fall the day before, he had allowed Murk to call a halt for a little while before they began the search. He had enjoyed the stop, tired from marching as well, but now, several hours after the call, they were still here and Skrogit was just getting annoyed. He was not an expert tracker, but even he knew that the longer they waited, the more likely they would lose the signs of the prisoner’s escape and in turn lose the prisoner. They could not afford to wait any longer, but every time Skrogit tried to broach the subject with Murk, the lazy Scrio ignored him or changed the subject.

The land before the Green Forest was grassland dotted with a few bushes and trees. The Scrios lounged around in the shade. Those who couldn’t find any sat as close as they could to it, making sure that they kept their heads bowed and away from the sun. Skrogit sat not too far from Murk in the shade of a large tree with his lieutenants Kilg and Orak. They were a little more relaxed in their situation than he was, but both of them could feel the rising apprehension in their captain. They were having a quiet conversation behind him, or at least what they thought was quiet. Skrogit couldn’t help but hear every word.

“When are we going to be moving on, Kilg? I’m getting sick and tired of just sitting here.” That booming voice was Orak’s. His natural volume was amplified by the helmet on his head. It was terrifying to hear, especially when he was yelling his battle-cry. But if the Dainites knew him like Skrogit did, they wouldn’t have much to be terrified of. Sure, he was a strong warrior, and one of the best that Skrogit knew; but he was also dumber than a cow. He was easily confused about most things.

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Kilg snapped.

Skrogit nearly laughed. Stupid questions for Kilg were questions he didn’t have the answer to.

Kilg’s nasally voice was hard to miss. He was probably the smallest Scrio Skrogit had ever known. In a kingdom where brute strength reigned supreme most of the time, Kilg was viewed as a pitiful figure, but he made up for his stature with a nastiness that Skrogit had never seen in anyone else. He could imagine where it came from. Child life could be difficult without the added bonus of being puny. Kilg, like Orak, wasn’t very smart, but he did have a quick tongue and couldn’t seem to hold anything back. The biting comments and surly attitude made him sometimes unbearable to be around.

When Skrogit first promoted them to lieutenants, there was question on whether or not they would perform well enough. Soon, however, they had proven to be a highly effective team. Skrogit ran his squadron like a sea captain ran a ship. He made sure that everyone had jobs that would effectively utilize their skills and personalities. There were several reasons why Skrogit promoted them to his seconds and gave them their own halves. Despite their shortcomings, they did have potential to become good leaders. They were ugly, they were mean, and, most importantly, they were completely willing to follow orders. It didn’t matter if Skrogit was marching them to their deaths, Kilg and Orak would believe that there was a good reason and still do what they were told. That was rare and he had two.

“Mayhap the captain knows,” Orak said.

“I never said I didn’t know,” Kilg snarled.

“Never said you did neither,” Orak pointed out.

“What you want to ask him for anyway? Don’t bother ‘im, dimwit. He probably don’t know anyway. Captain Murk ain’t gonna leave until he’s good and ready.”

“And Captain Murk is the sole voice of command, eh, Kilg?”

Kilg gulped as he realized that Skrogit was listening in, but he didn’t back down.

“He sure seems like it right now,” Kilg said. “Beggin’ yer pardon Captain, but yer not actin’ like yer a captain.”

Skrogit winced. “Be quiet, Kilg.”

Kilg shut his mouth, but he didn’t look too put out. Skrogit was hard, but he was fair. He wouldn’t reprimand Kilg for telling the truth.

Skrogit sighed. The truth it was. He was letting Murk run the show. And why? Because he was afraid of losing his position. Skrogit didn’t want to, but he also didn’t want to look a coward in front of his men. Now it was only a matter of which was more important. His captaincy or his honor? He sighed.

“Kilg,” he said. Surprised, the Scrio snapped to attention.

“Yes, cap’n?” he asked.

“Grab five of your half and start scouting ahead,” Skrogit commanded.

“Aye, sir,” Kilg saluted. “Uh, what for, sir?”

Skrogit turned and glared at him. Kilg’s eyes widened and he saluted again.

“On my way, sir,” he said, marching off.

Skrogit grunted and then turned to Orak.

“Gather your half and begin preparations to move out,” Skrogit said.

Orak was not one to question orders, but he allowed himself one cursory glance at Murk before he marched off to do as he was bid. When he stood in the middle of the camp, however, Skrogit cursed himself for not telling him to be discreet.

“Scrios!” his big voice boomed out. “Get your gear together!”

Those under his command immediately jumped to attention, but even those who weren’t stumbled quickly to their feet. When they realized who was speaking, they relaxed somewhat, but were a little confused.

“What’s going on here!” came a growl from behind Orak.

He turned to look at Murk who stood and waddled over, his bulk allowing nothing more, until he was toe to toe with the towering Scrio. His position made him bold.

“By whose authority do you summon your half?” Murk asked, the eloquent words sounding broken with his rough speech. Before Orak could answer, though, Murk said, “You can stand them down. No one is leaving yet.”

Orak didn’t move or talk.

“Did you not hear me?” Murk asked him with a snarl.

“I can’t, sir,” Orak said.

“Can’t? I am your commanding officer and I say you can!” Murk yelled.

Skrogit had to give Orak props for facing down an officer. He made a mental note to do something for the Scrio the next opportunity he got. He approached them and laid a hand on his lieutenant’s arm.

“It’s alright, Orak. Go and do as you were told,” he said quietly.

Orak nodded and allowed Skrogit to take up his position in front of Murk before leaving to rally his men.

“What are you doing, Skrogs?” Murk laughed, using the hated short name.

“Every minute we spend here, the prisoner is surer and surer to get away,” Skrogit said.

“Says who?” the Scrio sneered. “She can’t have made it that far, and a few hours rest helps, not hinders.”

“No, a few minutes rest does not hinder. We were slowed down in the towns, looking for a guide where none was to be found. We were sent out a half a day after the prisoner escaped because of your lagging in readying your men, and now we have lost another few hours because of your fancy for comfort!” Skrogit’s voice had grown steadily louder as the words tumbled out and now he was shouting, spittle flying in the face of the Scrio in front of him.

Murk did not seem perturbed, however. He wiped a trail of clear liquid from his brow and glowered at Skrogit.

“What are you doing?” he asked again, but to Skrogit’s surprise, it carried a note of worry. “Trust me, Skrogs, you don’t want to go any further with this.”

“No, you trust me,” Skrogit hissed under his breath. “I will not stand aside and see failure happen when I could have stopped it. You may be called captain, but you are not fit for the position!” Again, there was a flash of worry, this time in his eyes. Skrogit, pressed on. “I would challenge you, Murk, to combat if it would not make us lose time, but if that is what you wish…”

He put a hand on the hilt of his sword and fiddled with it. Murk held his gaze for a long minute, but all the bluster and boldness was gone. He stared back with a mixture of shock and fear in his eyes. Finally, he looked away.

Skrogit smiled grimly. He fought to keep more humiliating words down, instead simply saying, “Ready your men.”

Something flashed in the Scrio captain’s eyes before he turned and began yelling orders. The look startled Skrogit yet again, but this time, the look had been pure hatred. Murk would not forget that easily what Skrogit had done to him, in front of his men no less. As much as Skrogit felt good for standing up to the Scrio, he knew that sooner or later, Murk would seek his revenge.


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Sat Nov 15, 2014 7:54 pm
Aravis10 wrote a review...



Hi! Aravis, here for a review! I have not read your other chapters, but I will try to give you a helpful review! So let's read this puppy.
I'll start with nitpicks.

It was a good thing, too, because it was hard during daylight hours, wearing heavy armor.
You got a bit comma happy here. Remember, every comma is a pause.
There had been rumors of an individual who lived there, but nothing had come of it. Skrogit had...
Lived where? If this is a question that could be answered by reading previous chapters, ignore me. But if not, be sure to fill your readers in.
The land before the Green Forest was grassland dotted with a few bushes and trees.
You are telling me about this grassland. Show me instead! I'll go into this a bit more later.
That was rare and he had two.
This was a super confusing sentence. I had to go back and read it twice. I get what you mean now, but I would rewrite it. For example, "These type of Scrios were rare, but he had two of them."
Every minute we spend here, the prisoner is surer and surer to get away,” Skrogit said
I don't think "surer" is a word. But if it is, this is not the right use of it. This sentence also needs a rewrite.
Other critiques: This chapter was majorly lacking description. I can't see your characters, your setting, anything. Your readers want to experience the action with sights, sounds, smells, etc., not just hear the dialogue. You tell me a lot about your characters, but it would be more engaging if you would SHOW me.
I hope that helps you a bit! Remember, "The skill to write comes from writing." :)




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Mon Nov 10, 2014 2:33 am
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here as requested!

I'm soo sorry I took longer than I had said, but I'm here now so I hope you don't mind! Life got in the way a lot, not to mention NaNo has started, soo yeah. Very sorry, will be more punctual next time. :D Also, I'm running a little short on time, so this might be a wee bit shorter than usual.

Seeing as I haven't read any of your previous chapters, I will be mostly commenting on grammatical errors, style and the like. Hope that helps you out.


Well the first thing I noticed was that there was very little grammatical mistakes throughout this, and that's something that I find extremely rare right now. True, there are a couple of misplaced punctuation, but nothing really that takes away from the story. Sometimes, I will find a work that has so many misplaced commas or periods, that I just feel like throwing my computer on the ground. Fortunately I didn't get this feeling with yours.

One thing though that I would highly suggest you work on. The way this is structured. The paragraphs and sentences jump back and forth from the other. Try and smooth them out a bit. Your paragraphs for instance. Try and write the paragraph with the intention of keeping it one solid idea. Always remember that one paragraph=one idea. One small other thing that I would caution you about is making sure you read through and cut out any unnecessary words that you might think wouldn't add to the sentence. I noticed some spots where there would be not for instance added in there, and if you take that word out, the same overall meaning would still be there and the sentence was smoother besides. Just something I thought you could take a look at.

but the one thing Skrogit could not live with was Murk.


How about the one person instead? He is after all referring to a person, and not a thing.

. Technically, Skrogit and Murk were on the same level, both being captains; but because Murk’s father was Skrogit’s commanding officer, Skrogit could do nothing for fear of losing his position.


One thing I noticed throughout your writing is that you use a lot of semi-colon's. Now to be honest, I really suck at using them. I can't ever figure them out. But one thing I do know, is that you usually try to avoid using them as much as possible. They kinda break up the flow in the sentence, if you get my meaning. So I took the liberty of finding a source, so that you can take a look at it and make your own decision on it. You can find it here]. It's a great source for grammar, and I would recommend that you do read it for other aspects in the grammar field. :)

One little thing that I would have liked to see more on, would be less telling and more showing. I wasn't feeling exactly his anger at Murk, but more like I felt I was just watching from a far off distance. Not really up close. That's something that I really hate. I think you should try and go for a little bit more personal stuff when trying to describe feelings and the like. Hope that made some sort of sense.

Well this isn't a work that I can nitpick very well, so I will try and comment on the story now.

It seems to me that you put some thought into how your characters interact. For instance, an interaction between two of the men at first, made them sound like rough sailors and not very highly educated. At least to me they didn't. With all their talk and strange ways you would know from just their dialogue that they are rougher than most.

I could tell from reading also, that they are chasing after someone. And I'm also guessing that this someone is a woman, or a girl. Whichever one, I almost feel sorry for her. But then again, I don't know anything about her. I don't even know for that matter, what she's done. ;) Seems kinda strange that I am forming an interest in her now, but I am. I'm curious as to why, these rough and obviously powerful men would be chasing her.

Ok, that's all for now! Keep writing!

~Cricket




RedMoon says...


Okay, thanks so much for the review!



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Mon Nov 03, 2014 6:39 am
anonymousx says...



Dropping by to tell you I got your message. I will review this tomorrow when I wake up.





"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore