z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Mature Content

Burrow.1.

by Burrow


The door slammed shut as he walked out of the room.  The noise echoed loudly as everyone took a step back slowly, shocked . The dark skinned boy wasn't known for  sudden outbursts of anger and emotion. He left them uncertain what to do next, looking around the room, in a daze.

 Burrow walked the endless hallways hoping to find in this maze full of hate somewhere he could escape and run away from his pain. He walked past a small window, pausing for a moment and looked back behind his shoulder.

He looked out over the complex, the compound of hate. All around, men and women trained, mile upon mile, as the earth was forming up.  For what reason did they made teachers, farmers become, well, killing machines.

He turned back around sick of looking through the window, sick of the complex. Though even when he looked forward again he still saw hatred. He couldn't escape the past and he couldn't escape the future. He started walking, his feet bounding the floor, sending noise through the empty and endless hallways.

He made it towards his dorm, he had walked first. But he felt the anger boiling up inside again like before, like every time he thought of what he was told, of what happened. He started to run, he started to cry, tears were brushing along his face making it hard to see, he didn't care he kept running. He stumbled against every corner he went past, but he still didn't care. He had almost made it to the dorm when he bumped into the commander. Again he didn't care and he ran past him. His shoulder barging its way through, he still didn't care.

He sat on his bed and wiped away the last of his tears. Finally, he calmed down and in a way, he didn't have any more anger to let out. He looked over at his gun lying next to his shelf and for a moment he wondered...

He knew how easy it would be to pull the trigger and forget. He'd get to see what came next but he also knew otherwise. He knew that Mason wouldn't have wanted it that way.

He considered getting out to train and try to forget. He knew it wouldn't work, nothing would change. He decided to forget about the complex for a moment, to forget about his life here. He needed to try something new.

                                                                        ***

He stood in front of the bulletin board. The giant screen lit up the mess hall with new information. Burrow didn't care about anything else on the board except what was in a small corner near the bottom right. He had to step a few inches forward to read it.

"Volunteers needed for experiment. Large sum. No questions asked. Please report to the science wing."

He read it several times and realized that he had seen this with Mason before everything happened.

He knew what he had read sounded a little suspicious but he hoped that it may change things and that maybe he would forget and finally be able to have a new life. He knew that what he was wishing for was too much to ask and that maybe it really was just a small experiment. It might just be something about why his blood cells were different to other people, or some shit like that. It was a chance though and he wanted a thing like that in order to escape the life, or hell, that he was in.

He didn't waste anymore time thinking about his decision. He left the mess hall without any doubts and headed for the science wing. He found himself wandering down the empty hallways . The white walls reflected the complex, like a picture, a depression of hate and sadness, full of the world's mistakes.

When he finally reached the science wing, he stood at the door and hesitated. He took a deep breath, willed himself not to care, and pushed the door open. He walked in knowing that he had just given his life away.

He dosent care for what comes next, but he is curious.


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Sun Jan 04, 2015 8:18 am
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Sassafras wrote a review...



Hey, Burrow!

Since I'm a bit late in this game, I'll try to be curt.

My main problem here is your character development. I have no idea about any aspects of this Burrow's personality. You write in Omniscient, I see, which can be a very hard POV to manage well. Here's a link to help you out if you decided to continue in this way. It won't be as easy. I tried Omniscient but I'm switching perspectives right now because it's not the right POV for what I want to achieve. Since your story seems to be more plot focused, I think Omniscient might be what you need. Some practice is all that's missing to make your narrative more comprehensible.

I said that to say, the point of view you're writing in is very hard to integrate character development into since you focus on the character's actions more than their thoughts or feelings. Your character development is further hindered by your "Show, Don't Tell" problem. Again, I'm sure you've heard enough of this so I won't elaborate, but do make sure to put more emphasis on Burrow's actions, facial expressions, and mannerisms. This will let your reader know more about who he is through what he does. Still, don't tell us what he's doing, show us. You're writing in Omniscent so you know everything. Let us know everything too - everything we're supposed to know, anyway. Secrets can still be secrets.

As for your story, I'm extremely intrigued as to where you plan to take this. I can't say that I know much about the plot or the world, but that cliffhanger has my attention. I see good things in this novel's future. There are just some technicalities to work out.

-Eci




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 11:09 pm
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FireBird99 wrote a review...



Hey! FireBird99 here for a review! I have to say this is a VERY interesting novel. I love how you only release bits of information from the past. That was wonderful! It left me curious and wanting more. There are a few grammar mistakes but the person below me already pointed them out. One thin that doesn't flow as well as it should is this paragraph:

He started to run, he started to cry, tears were brushing along his face making it hard to see, he didn't care he kept running. He stumbled against every corner he went past, but he still didn't care. He had almost made it to the dorm when he bumped into the commander. Again he didn't care and he ran past him. His shoulder barging its way through, he still didn't care.


When you said "But I didn't care'' three times in this paragraph it kind of got a bit much and then a couple of paragraphs down you write:


Burrow didn't care about anything else on the board except what was in a small corner near the bottom right. He had to step a few inches forward to read it.

If you could find different words to express your not caring it might flow better. Other than that you did a great job!! Love it 100%! Absolutely amazing.

FireBird99




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 6:09 pm
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Lefty wrote a review...



Hello, there! Lefty here to (finally) review your chapter. I am so sorry it took me forever to get to reading it. But alas, I have! So, onto the review.

This is certainly an intriguing first chapter. You learn little snippets of information of what happened previously which leaves the reader curious and wanting more. The chapter was rather vague, with lots of unanswered questions, which is fine-good even- as long as some of those are answered soon. Burrow is an interesting character and I'm really interested to know what happened to him and his friend Mason, previously.

How old is Burrow? At first you say that he's a "boy" but then the stuff that happens after that with the gun and the experiment make him sound like an adult. It might be good to make that slightly clearer when it comes to the reader picturing what Burrow looks like.

Your grammar is quite good. I didn't really find much to correct with that. The "tense" was consistent and the writing overall was good. Nice job! Now onto some nitpicks...

The noise echoed loudly as everyone took a step back slowly, shocked.

If you read this line aloud, it sounds a little odd. Some slight rewording, however, is all it needs. For example, you could say: The noise echoed loudly as everyone slowly took a step back, shocked. OR The noise echoed loudly as everyone took a slow step back, shocked.

He left them uncertain what to do next

Very nitpicky here, but I thought that saying "uncertain of what to do next" sounds a little better.

He walked past a small window, pausing for a moment and looked back behind his shoulder.

This is really nitpicky as well, but I thought it sounded a little odd going from past (ed) to pausing (ing) back to looked (ed). Hopefully that made sense. Anyway, you could reword it to something like: Walking past a small window, he paused for a moment and looked back over his shoulder. OR As he walked past a small window, he paused for a moment, etc...

For what reason did they made teachers...

I think you meant "make" not "made".

He turned back around sick of looking through the window

Add a comma: He turned back around(,) sick of looking...

He started walking, his feet bounding the floor

I think you meant pounding not bounding.

He made it towards his dorm, he had walked first

This confused me at first. But I realized if you started the sentence with an "as" and put an "at" in there, it makes it clearer. "As he made it towards his dorm, he had walked at first.

...making it hard to see, he didn't care he kept running.

Very nitpicky, this sentence runs together a bit. Just some slight punctuation changes will fix this: ...making it hard to see. He didn't care, he kept running.

And lastly...

Again he didn't care and he ran past him.

This line is a little repetitive, partially due to the previous sentences. Again, some slight rewording and punctuation changes is all it needs. For example: Again, he didn't care and ran past him.

That's it! Most of those were very nitpicky preferences of mine, so I just thought I'd throw them out there as suggestions. Overall, nice start. Interesting and intriguing story. Burrow is interesting and intriguing as well. Keep up the good work! Hopefully I will be able to read the next chapter soon. Have a nice day!




Burrow says...


Thanks!



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Mon Nov 17, 2014 12:23 am
ThereseCricket says...



Yo, well I am planning on starting to review this story, but seeing as Birkoff has ripped them basically to shreds ;) I'll try and read them as you post, and occasionally review. Hope you don't mind. ^ ^

~Cricket




jackm1999 says...


That's fine, though I am changing them around, the hybrid story I am doing is joining with this one, it doesn't make sense know but you will see!



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Tue Nov 04, 2014 10:13 am
Darkbunneh13 wrote a review...



This story sounds interesting. I like the hints of other characters,like Mason, or a previous science experiment. "before all this stuff happened," makes me want to know what happened, but as he stalls, then enters the science wing, I also wanna know what happens next.

You've written it cleverly, with a handful of placements to the past and future. I look forward to hearing Burrow speak, and I look forward to reading the next chapters.

But, I have a small tip for you.

It might be advisable to proofread this, so that other people who are obsessing over grammar will be able to enjoy the story a little more.

I hope you have a nice day, and keep writing this cool story! ^_^




jackm1999 says...


Thanks, when I find time I will go over it!!



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Tue Nov 04, 2014 4:12 am
artemis15sc wrote a review...



I decided to come read this story from the beginning. I tried to read through the other comments so I didn't majorly repeat anything.

Let me start with my grammar stuff:
1. That, I mentioned this in my review of chapter 3, but there are a lot of unnecessary "that"s in this chapter as well. If it makes sense without them, cut them out.
2. Run on sentences: I definitely found a lot of them, but sense two other reviewers pulled them out I decided not too. Just be super cautious in your writing, if it even remotely feels like a run-on, add a period, or semi-colon or even just a comma, depending on the sentence.

Writing style stuff:
1. Vary your sentence structure: You have a lot of long, complicated sentence, and they tend to run together and make it a slower read. You'll improve your flow but having medium and short sentences mixed in as well. Don't try to cram so many ideas into one sentence. If you have one idea that's particularly powerful, make it it's own sentence. It'll be more impactful that way.
2. Thought verbs: Thought verbs are very tell-y, when you should be show-y. Thought verbs pull your reader out of the story. They remind your reader that's it's fiction, which is no bueno. Examples of thought verbs are thought, knew, imagined, realized, decided, considered, etc... Sometimes you have to use them for clarity and brevity's sake, but avoid them as much as possible.

Let me give you a quick example:
He knew that Mason wouldn't have wanted it that way.

He considered getting out to train and try to forget. He knew it wouldn't work, nothing would change. He decided to forget about the complex for a moment, to forget about his life here. He needed to try something new.
Here you use four in a row! Some of them you can just cut the thought verb and it works, other you either have to completely reword or just leave in the story, but if you take out the first one it becomes "Mason wouldn't have wanted it that way." It's more concise, stronger, it still makes sense and you get rid of one of those pesky that's!

Other stuff:
I think this is an interesting beginning, but I do agree that we need just a little more context here. They say you need to start ads late in the scene as possible, but this might be a little too late. Maybe show us what is was that made Burrow so angry. Also, I would again say we need just a bit more description of what's happening. It's moving just a little too fast without the readers having a clear picture of what's happening. Don't slow it down too much or add too much description, just a little bit here and there.

Overall though I like the premise, and I already see the connections being made between this chapter and chapter 3, good job!




jackm1999 says...


Thanks, I will try today to fix the story, after I study :( for exams :(



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birk wrote a review...



Hey Jack!

I'm finally around to check out your works! I apologize for me taking so long to get around to this, but my schedule often allows little time to devour and analyze a lot of writing.

Seeing as you've already got a lot of good feedback on this chapter, I initially figured I would skip it and continue with your following chapters. However, whenever I do review something I get a lot more connected to the story and I can follow it more clearly as I've picked it apart, so to speak. As this appears to be a longer series you are working on, I'm going to do just that.

When it comes to genres, I'm a sucker for science fiction, Jack. That plays a large part in why I'm reading through your series. So far in this, I've seen little of the science fiction come into play, but we're sure to get to all the goody science stuff later. ;)

Overall, I'm not a fan of how you start off this story. We're thrown into the middle of something and we have no idea what is going on. This can obviously work a lot of the time and a lot of good novels do start off like this. It doesn't work to your advantage here though. Whenever I start reading something new, I'm looking for something to hook me in, to get my attention. This doesn't do that. At the end of the chapter, I'm not really that interested in seeing where it goes from here.

What I'd rather try to do with your opening chapter, is to introduce the world we're in. It appears to be some sort of militaristic future, where your main character attends some sort of school? I'd set this up more proper and then introduce your main character. And when I introduce him, I'd do it better. All I know now is that his name is Burrow (?) and that he's had an outburst of anger.

Of course, being science fiction, your story has a lot of potential. So I'm not taking anything for granted. A lot of cool stuff can happen.

Lastly, your writing has a lot of grammatical errors. Both within grammar and punctuation. There's a lot of repeated errors, so I'll bring up some of them, but not all.

Alright, overall there's not much else I'd say yet, so I'll just write as I go along:

Edit

He left them uncertain of what to do next; all staring around the room, suddenly looking for something to focus on.
Several of your lines are very muddled. They are written awkwardly and have both grammar and punctuation issues. This is one example. I added a missing word and replaced a comma with a semicolon, as you can easily combine several of your sentences. Which in some cases would also remove any run-ons.

Edit
He walked the endless hallways, hoping to find in this maze
The entirety of this sentence is a bit too long in the end. It needs a comma somewhere.

Edit
pausing for a moment and looked back over his shoulder.

Replaced a word. Unless he was looking at his shoulder bones?

as the earth was forming up.

Huh? I'm hoping this comes up again later, because I'm unsure of what this means. Morning is rising... maybe?

I'm also noticing now that there's an extra space between a lot of your lines. Annoying. Watch them.

Suggestion
For what reason did they make teachers and famers become killing machines?
This line already had typos in it, but instead I'd just rearrange it like this. Fixed the typo, removed a couple of words and punctuation and added a question mark at the end. Reads better.

Edit
He turned back around, sick of looking through the window; sick of the complex.
Added a comma and changed another one to a semicolon. Semicolons are totally underrated. ;)

Edit
He started walking, his feet pounding the floor,

I think this is supposed to be pounding, right?

Edit
He made it towards his dorm. He had walked at first, but he felt the anger boiling up inside again like before; like every time he thought of what he was told, of what happened.
A lot of edits in this one. Changed up some punctuation and added some words. Try to read out what you write loud, then consider what it needs within punctuation. If a pause is natural, throw in a comma etc.

he didn't care he kept running.

Skipping a lot of stuff, I'm sure it might have been mentioned for sure, too. Anyhow, this right here is a good example of a run-on. Say this out loud and then throw a comma in the middle of it.

he still didn't care.

In this paragraph there was all way too much repetition of 'he didn't care'. We get it, he doesn't care..

He looked over at his gun lying next to his shelf

Plot wise, I'm hoping this will be elaborated on or explained later, but why does he have access to a gun in his dorm room? This compound might have security issues.

He knew that Mason wouldn't have wanted it that way.

Who is Mason? You can bring this up later, but seeing as you name-dropped him here, you can give us more.

At this point, it also gets very easy to point out that you need a lot more 'show, don't tell'. Pretty much all of your paragraphs begin with 'He did this', 'He did that' etc. Not good at all. You have to mix this up. Don't just tell us what he's doing. Tell us everything!

***

This was completely unnecessary to change the scene. You could have just continued writing this.

He had to step a few inches forward to read it.

If he had to step forward to read it, it would be unnatural for him to not notice anything else on the board.

No questions asked.

Whoa?

It might just be something about why his blood cells were different to other people,
Ooh, that's quite the info dump. This didn't read naturally. Well, at least we know more about the plot which is to come I guess.

Edit
The white walls reflected through the complex, like a picture, a depression of hate and sadness, full of the world's mistakes.
Added a word. I also like the symbolism you are trying for here, but it falls sort of flat. It comes off as if you're trying to be artsy. You'll get the hang of it.

Lastly, I'm going to highling two things which you write within close proximity to each other. It really stood out to me:
and finally be able to have a new life.

followed by:
He walked in knowing that he had just given his life away.


This doesn't quite add up.

Alright, that's pretty much all I'll comment on. There's a lot of stuff I skipped, but I would be repeating myself. A lot of grammar needs repetition to be learned properly though, so I'll get going on your later chapters with that.

You're a fairly young guy, so there's a lot of time to get this right. Heck, you probably write better than I used to at fifteen.

I'll be better able to critique your story as I move along now, as well as praise. ;)
And I'll get to the rest of your series when I can.

Keep it up, Jack!




Cheers
Birkhoff




jackm1999 says...


Thanks for the review, a lot of the stuff that you went over. The things you said like he kept repeating he didn't care. That was an aspect of his sadness. Also I am trying to give little or no information about what is happening. You will see why later. But otherwise thanks for the review. I will get straight to fixing those mistakes. And thankyou for reading my story!

Jack



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Thu Oct 30, 2014 7:53 am
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Hi there.
so the piece in itself has a lot of potential. I see this going ahead and becoming something good. i see anonymousx has already nitpicked and that was all I had to offer as an improvement. The grammar and typos and there are just about it.. I hope to see more soon.
Keep Writing..
Harshita :)




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Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:59 am
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anonymousx wrote a review...



Hey, Jack. I finally got the time to review your work here so I'll just jump right into it because you've been waiting for awhile. Italics is your writing, bold is my suggestions. I had to copy and paste a lot of the story into the review and for that, I'm sorry. It was needed in order to show you which parts were having the issues. I also put all your words in spoilers so it didn't take up the entire page here.

This is a huge run on sentence.

Spoiler! :
The door slammed shut as he walked out of the room, the noise echoed loudly everyone took a step back slowly shocked


Try this:

The door slammed shut as he walked out of the room. The noise echoed loudly and everyone took a step back, shocked.

This part is just a little bit messed up, format wise. Move the period over closer to shocked and there is an extra space between for and sudden.

Spoiler! :
.Burrow wasn't known for sudden outbursts of anger.

so

Burrow wasn't known for sudden outbursts of anger



Spoiler! :
He left them uncertain what to do next, all starring around the room, suddenly looking for something to focus on.


Should be:


He left them uncertain of what to do next. They all stared around the room, suddenly looking for something to focus on.

This is another very long sentence:


Spoiler! :
He walked the endless hallways, hoping to find in this maze full of hate, somewhere he could, escape, run away from his pain.



Try this:


He walked the endless hallways, hoping to find an escape in this maze full of hate. He needed somewhere he could run away from his pain


Spoiler! :
He walked past a small window, he paused fro a moment looking back behind his shoulder.



Should be:


He walked past a small window and paused for a moment, looking behind his shoulder


Another very long sentence. Some of it doesn't make sense, such as the 'mile upon mile, the earth was forming up' part.

Spoiler! :
He looked out over the complex, the compound of hate, all around, men and women trained, mile upon mile, the earth was forming up. for what reason, they made teachers, farmers become, well. killing machines.[spoiler]


Try this:


He looked over the compound. All around, there were trained men and woman. There were teachers and farmers who were made into killing machines.


[spoiler]He turned back around sick of looking through the window, sick of the complex. Though even when he looked forward again he still saw hatred, he couldn't escape the past, and he couldn't escape the future.


Should be:

He turned back around, sick of looking through the window at the complex. Though even when he looked forward again, he still saw hatred. No matter what he did, he couldn't escape the past and he knew he wasn't going to be able to face the future.

The following is a series of two very long, jumbled sentences. You say 'he didn't care' a lot which is kind of repetitive. It's sort of like, "OK, we get it...he doesn't care"

Spoiler! :
He made it towards his dorm, he had walked first but, he felt the anger boiling up inside again like before, like every time he thought of what he was told, of what happened. He started to run, he started to cry, tears were brushing along his face making it hard to see, he didn't care he kept running, he stumbled every corner he went past, he still didn't care. he had almost made it to the dorm when he bumped into the commander, again he didn't care, he ran past him, his shoulder barging its way through, he still didn't care.


Should be:

He started walking towards his dorm at first but he felt the anger boil up inside of him. He thought of what he was told, of what happened, and he started to run. Tears fell down his face and made it hard to see but he kept running, stumbling over every corner he passed. He stumbled straight into his commander but didn't care.

I went ahead and edited the next part of the story because I didn't want to break it up anymore. The edited portion of the remainder of your story is below.

Spoiler! :
He sat on his bed and wiped away the last of his tears. Finally, he had calmed down and in a way, he didn't have any more anger to go on. He looked over at his gun laying next to his shelf and for a moment he wondered.

He knew how easy it would be to pull the trigger and forget. He'd get to see what came next but he also knew otherwise. He knew that Mason wouldn't have wanted it that way.

He considered getting out to train and try to forget. He knew it wouldn't work, nothing would change. He decided to forget about the complex for a moment, to forget about his life here. He needed to try something new.


As for the part after the asterisks, I'll send you that portion in a private message so I don't take up anymore space on here. Overall, I think that you have something going for you. I'm curious to see as to where this place is and what it is and what the heck is going on with the world right now. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

Keep writing!
- Nonny




jackm1999 says...


Thanks for the huge review, im going to go straight into making my sentances better:)



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Nikki399 wrote a review...



Hey Jack

This, I thought, was great. Other than a few grammar mistakes it was awesome. There were just some commas where they shouldn't be and others not where they should be. And I noticed that you used endless when describing the halls more then once. It seemed to me that you didn't need to because you had already said they were endless once, you didn't need it a second time. So just remember not repeat the same thing to many times when describing something.
But apart from that I thought it was AWESOME! Keep it up.

Nikki




jackm1999 says...


Thanks, i will get to fxing those mistake staright away!!



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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

The first thing I noticed while reading through is that you have a lot of commas in your sentences, ones that are in the wrong place. You can easily take those commas out or replace them with periods or semi-colons to create sentences. Let's look at the first sentence:

The door slammed shut as he walked out of the room, the noise echoed loudly, everyone took a step back slowly, shocked, Burrow wasn't known for sudden outbursts of anger.

There can easily be two or three sentences in this one sentence. For example, the first sentence could say, "The door slammed shut as he walked out of the room." That's a complete thought. The door slammed, he's out of the room. The next sentence could say, "The noise echoed loudly through the room, making everyone take a step back in shock; Burrow wasn't known for sudden outbursts of anger." That's another complete thought. The noise echoed through the room, everyone was shocked, then we learn why. If you really read through this piece again and focus on your sentence structure, I know you can find ways to make these into sentences rather than run-ons with commas. Just use the same approach I did. Find the complete thoughts and turn them into sentences. If you want any more help with "fixing" (I hate using that word in reviews. Makes it sound like your writing is broken, which it's not) the sentences feel free to PM me! I'll be glad to help you out :)

So, I'm a little confused in the first paragraph. Are the people who are shocked of his outburst still in the room or are they in the hallway? It's always important to be super specific with what's going on around the characters. You're the one telling us this story so we have absolutely no idea what's going on. That's why tiny details like that are so great for readers. If the people are still in the room after he stormed out, I'd be thinking "Yeah, take that you jerks!". But if the people are in the hallway while he's walking by, I'd be thinking "Get out of the way, idiots. Stop gawking!" (Yeah, I really get into things when I read...) There's actually a really important difference between the shocked people being in the room Burrow just left and the shocked people being in the hallway that he's going down now.

Burrow made it towards his dorm, he had walked first but, he felt the anger boiling up inside again like before, like every time he thought of what he was told, of what happened. He started to run, he started to cry, tears were brushing along his face making it hard to see,

I absolutely love this part. I don't know much of anything about Burrow at this point, but how you described his feelings here really made me feel bad for him. Obviously something really terrible had to have happened in his life to make him feel this way. This is also a brilliant example of showing instead of telling. You could've easily just have said that Burrow ran to his dorm as he cried. But you didn't! You really dove into his emotions and showed us what he was feeling and how he reacted to it.

He looked over, towards his gun, lying down next to his shelf, for a moment he wondered...

Noooo! Don't do it, Burrow. Don't!

He knew that mason wouldn't have wanted it that way, he knew what he would have wanted.

First of all, Mason is a name so it should be capitalized. Secondly, who is Mason? You kind of just roll over his name. Like, "Oh, by the way there was this guy named Mason". Give us some details about him. Even if you just say "He knew that Mason, his now dead brother, wouldn't have wanted it that way". Obviously I don't know if Mason is his brother or if he's dead or anything, but I used that as an example. If there's no background information about him, we'll just be left wondering who he is. And it's always important for the readers to know about the characters they read about.

So, Burrow is in his dorm feeling sorry for himself, and then all of the sudden he's looking at a notice board. How did he get to the notice board? What made him want to get up and go do something? If you just add a transition in there, it'll all make sense. Otherwise, I'm left with these questions.

Whoa. You've most definitely left us on a cliffhanger there, haven't you? You've definitely got me wanting to read more!

Is this a prologue or the first chapter of your novel? Either way, I think it's very well written; plot wise at least. We're introduced to Burrow and kind of introduced to the kind of life he lives. It's always nice for us to know about how the main character lives, but sometimes it's not important to give everything away in the opening. Maybe Burrow never goes back to this life and the story is all about his life after this moment. Then we really wouldn't care too much about this complex he's in now. It would still be nice to know a little more about the complex and what goes on there, but I don't think it would be good to have all that in the beginning -- it would be too much of an info dump. If the setting does stay in this complex for the other chapters, make sure to add in some information about it. Again, doesn't have to be all at once, but little pieces of information here and there would work well.

Another thing I noticed reading through this is that you use Burrow's name a lot. Since he's really the only character you mention in this chapter, besides Mason and the commander, you don't have to mention his name all the time. If you just say "he did this" or "he did that", we'll know that it's Burrow. The trouble with pronouns comes when you have more than one character of the same sex. For example, if this chapter focused on Burrow and Mason, you'd have to be more careful about using the pronoun 'he' because it could refer to either Burrow or Mason. Since you're really only talking about Burrow in this chapter though, the pronoun 'he' obviously refers to Burrow.

Overall I think this is a great start. Your story sounds great and your writing has potential. If you work on making those sentences into sentences and not using so many commas, I think it'll be great. The story will really flow nicely and it'll be a nice read. I'm definitely interested to see where this story goes! It sounds like a great SciFi thriller to me :)

Let me know when you post the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




jackm1999 says...


Thanks a heap for the review, I agree with everything you say except for the bit with Mason, I decided to but as little info on him, make them wonder a bit. and I plan to write the next chapter this afternoon, or sometime during school if I can:) thanks again




The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
— William Shakespeare