Young Writers Society

Hi Snazzy!

Liberty500 is here to give you a review!

Let's get straight to it, shall we? Okay, so, you did a wonderful job with expressing your emotions towards America. It's pretty obvious that you want America to be a peaceful place. I absolutely love your choice of words, especially in these lines:

"What if America were a better place?

What if hatred were a disgrace?

What if there were no nationality?

Would we all be trapped?

Or would we all be free?

What if we all would get along?"

Basically half the poem. But you know what I mean! You have a wonderful vocabulary for this poem. In all your poems, actually.

You also did a great job with rhyming in every single line. So a big thumbs up on that. There was just one thing that I noticed. In the following line (the second last line):

"It up to you faith,"

I'm pretty sure you meant to have "It's" instead of "It". I'd love to see more poems like these in he future.

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

Hey Snazzy,It's Lily again doing another review of yours

I have to admit this poem is really awesome!! It is indeed very realistic. It isn't a fairy tale or just fiction it's got 100% reality and probably that's what most of the Americans, no actually many people in the world feel that too.
It's all good but I guess I have a few suggestions.It's really nice that you could show some real facts and wish it was different. But if there's a reader who's reading it and who really doesn't have any idea of what America is lacking and why the speaker wishes it to be different it might get complicated for the reader to understand.
So I'm suggesting that you also depict the causes of your wishes and the way everyone would love to see America in a much clear way. A little description would be just fine.

Liked the way you kept posing questions in between..that actually generates curiosity among the readers and makes them want more.

Apart from that you've done excellent job in the capitalization and punctuation..!!
Overall this was an excellent work..all I'd say is you've done a very great job!

Keep posting..hope this review was helpful..Looking forward to more works of yours.

-Lily ^_^

Hey there Snazzy!
I just commented on your 'homework' poem.
Pretty good work over here.
My eyes cannot find a flaw, maybe the poem should have included more incidents and have made the poem a little longer. Well, that is the thing about good poems, you just want to read more of it.
Maybe you could frame the stanzas a little better. Leaving a blank line after every sentence feels a little odd. Probably you wanted it to be like that.
Have a good day! And of course, keep writing!!
Cheers!
Alex Blackwell.

Wow, another poem by you!

I read a poem quite like this, with "being free" and "kindness". I think it's very cute how you changed this poem into questions, just to make it more interesting.

I loved your first two rhyming words. Your rhyming pattern was very unique:

What if America were a better place?
What if hatred were a disgrace?

All of these what ifs, could be true,
It up to your faith,
It's up to you.

Hello, I'm Howl.

I think that your second line would be better if you used was instead of were. I also think that in line six could is better than would. Then again these are just my opinions and I know that you might not agree, but thank you for at least hearing my opinion out. I think that your poem is really good over all though. Thank you for reading my review, I hope to see more of your work soon.

That's actually true, somebody can choose to be a bad or a good person and if those people decide to be bad, than they'll just make the world even more worse.. some people like doing that though. I wish America was a better place, but that is mostly just a dream because of course there will always be one bad person in the world, at the very minimum. I feel like you could extend this a little more, maybe add some voice to it? What do you think about this?
To me, if there was no government, criminals would be going crazy. We would not be free at all. And what should everybody be quiet about? I like your meaning behind it a lot, it just needs a little improvement is all.

I like this poem, but I don't quite understand the message of it. If I must be honest, I think it's cliche, but I like it anyway. You should try and put your own personal voice into this (something I say quite a lot), tell us what you think about all these "What if's". A lot of poets and songwriters have asked this question, John Lennon included, but what I don't like is that they never bothered to say exactly what the earth would be like of hatred was a disgrace. Instead, they just ask the question and hope people get the answer, not bothering to add a personal voice or reason. I never liked that much, and I think the world could do with more personal voice.
On a technical level, I'm a little confused as to why it's centered (Even though you might have been taught otherwise, it's more than okay to keep the poem left-wise), and I think some of the punctuation is redundant, especially with the question marks.
Now, I like this poem, I wouldn't blame you if you completely discarded my critiques seeing as how you wrote this poem when you were very young, but I do hope you keep my advice in mind.
Good job, though, and keep writing.