z

Young Writers Society


12+

Pokemon Ultimate Evolution: Through The Middle, Episode 1: I'm Living

by dark


"Jeez quit moving around, kid!" Tracey yelled

"Well that wouldn't be very fun!" I laughed back, dodging her Swift attack. It fizzled out behind me as it cut into a thick tree trunk. "Too slow, Tracey!"

"Hey, you're not supposed to be able to evade that? How does that even work?" She exclaimed.

A smirk quickly spread across my face. "Well it's like this..." I appeared behind her and pulled her arms back. "You weren't attacking the real me!" I chuckled, letting loose a powerful Discharge. She screamed and fell to the ground. The other me vanished into thin air.

"Double Team... Nice..." Tracey groaned.

"And who's the winner once again? Come on lemme hear it loud and proud!" I thrusted my fist into the air with a smile. "And the winner is... Ryan Sparker! Come on Trace, say it!"

"Alright, alright." Tracey giggled. "You're still the champ, Ryan. But seriously, try and lay off the zealous Discharges next time.... Ugh, I feel like microwaved popcorn."

"Sorry. I'm really trying my hardest honestly." I helped her to her feet. She swung an arm over my shoulder for support.

"It's fine. You wouldn't really lay off on someone who's trying to kill you..."

"Hush, Trace. Save your energy for the walk back to Rustboro."

I slowly half walked, half carried her back to the windy path in the forest. Half way back to town, she sighed. "You doin' okay?" I asked.

"I'm cool, kiddo. I don't mean to whine but why don't we just fly back? What's Zeky doing in there?" She chuckled, rapping her tired fist on my forehead.

"Zekrom left for the clouds with Giratina and Arceus days ago. Being inside of a body isn't like being in a Pokeball. I hear it can get cramped." I told her. 

"Seems legit.." Tracey scoffed.

"Hey, I don't know what they do just yet." I said. "It's only been, what, five years since they came out of me for the first time?"

"That's kinda long, don't you think?" 

"Not long enough, Trace. You have no idea..."

"Yeah, yeah..." Tracey stretched her arms and ran her fingers through her frizzy ponytail. "I'll make it back on my own. Why don't you go on and celebrate another victory? I bet Violet's dying to hear from you."

"Isn't she always?" I sighed. Violet was my self proclaimed girlfriend who I shared my apartment and my life with. "Well, better late than never."

Tracey waved to me as she walked up the path and into Rustboro City.

----

"Jason! Quit playing around!" Magenta wailed, chasing after Jason, or rather, the small purple comb stuck in his red locks of hair. "I need my hair to look nice for my date!"

"Catch me, then, catch me!" Jason laughed, running in circles and dodging her by jumping over her bed until he smacked himself into a wall. Magenta bent over and snatched the comb from his head.

"Hmph, serves you right." She scowled, instantly regreting her words. She stuck the comb in the pocket of her mauve colored jeans, scooped him up in her arms, and rubbed his forehead. "Ow..." he whined.

"You okay, Jay?"

"Uh huh." He nodded. "Sorry."

"Oh, don't worry about it. Look, there's a time for playing, and this just isn't one of those times, kay?" She said.

"Um, okay. But, who're you going out with?" Jason asked. "Is he nice? Does he treat you okay?"

"Jason, please, you're too smart for you own good sometimes." Magenta smiled. "I wouldn't go out with someone who I didn't love. Why do you want to know anyway?"

"I want to protect you, Magenta. I don't want you to get hurt that's all." Jason answered.

"Aww, you're such a gentleman." Magenta set him down and ruffled his hair. "How about this. If anything happens to me, you'll be the first to know, deal?"

"Deal!" Jason exclaimed.

"Finally got him to stop running around huh?"

Magenta turned towards her bedroom door and smiled. "Oh, dear, he's certainly active." She sighed.

"Ryan!" Jason exclaimed. He ran over and hugged my leg.

"Did you give Magenta a hard time?" I asked, patting his back.

"Tried to delay my date, that's all." Magenta laughed. She faced her mirror and began running the comb through her shoulder length, magenta colored hair. I couldn't help but gaze at her. I'd know her since she was a tiny little girl, and I was amazed at the woman she'd become. I saw her sneak a peak at me and smile. "You, uh, looking for Violet?" She asked shyly.

"Jason first, Violet later." I replied.

"She was here a while ago." Jason said. "She left with Kray."

"Don't you find that a bit weird? I can't remember the last time those two did anything together..." Magenta layed her comb on her dresser, looking a bit down. "Those two... I just don't get them."

"Don't worry about it, Magenta." I put my hands on her shoulders and faced her toward the mirror. "Don't think about anything but your date, alright. Nothing's more important than that right now. By the way, who's the lucky guy?"

"His name's Faze Aldridge. He's been so lovely to me;I love him so much." Magenta said. " I'm meeting him by the north gate. Why don't you tag along and get to know him?"

"Oh no, there's one thing you don't need. I can't allow myself to take away from the intimacy." I chuckled. "I really appreciate the offer, but when you're on a date, it's all about you. No friends no family."

"Yeah, you're right, but seriously, you've got to meet Faze soon."

"When the time comes, dear." I smiled. I held my hands out for Jason to jump into them. "See you later, and good luck."

"Thanks, Ryan." She waved to me and Jason as I walked out of the room.

----

"So, how much trouble did you give Magenta?" I asked, propping Jason onto my shoulder.

"We had fun! No trouble!" Jason laughed. "But I am worried about her date?

"A six year old worried about a date? Boy, you're too smart sometimes." I answered. "Listen, how it goes is none of our business, and I'm sure Faze is a nice guy."

"So, it's wrong to be worried?" Jason asked.

"No. All I'm saying is that I don't think you have to be. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be worried about your friends. Espescially if you love them." I explained. "Clear your head for now, alright? We've got Violet to-"

"Violet's home?" He shouted into my ear. "Violet's home! Violet's home!"

"I didn't think you'd be that excited!" I exclaimed, nearly losing balance. "She hasn't been gone that long."

"Hurry, hurry, let's go!" He exclaimed, completely ignoring me.

"Alright, alright, don't lose your head!" I chuckled.

----

Borough Devon, owner of Devon Corps, sighed as he arrived at the roof of his hotel.

"You wanted to speak to me?" Borough said, gesturing to the Gadevoir dressed from head to toe in jet black. He ran a finger through the curl of his hair by his ear and lowered his green binoculars from his eyes.

"I don't know anymore..." He sighed. "Is there a reason for anything?"

"Since when do you get depressed, Zenith?" Borough chuckled, insensitively.

"Can it sand-man!" Zenith shouted. "I've been going through a lot, alright?"

"Uh huh. You still haven't told me what you made me walk up here f-"

"Is Ryan still living here?" Zenith interrupted.

"Ryan Sparker? Totes, man, he never left since you did." Borough exclaimed. "Er, why did you leave anyway?"

"I told you before, remember?" Zenith growled. "Zoey forced me and Sato to leave. That slimy bitch thought she'd be proving something if she made it seem like she was in control of the both of us..."

"Okay... and you're back now because..."

"Because I'd like to make things right, Devon. Ryan and I got off on the wrong foot. It's taken me six years to finally cut Zoey out of our lives, so I won't pass up this chance." Zenith brought the binoculars to his face and looked at the Talonflame flying by.

"Wait you said 'we'. Who else came with you? Just curious." Borough asked, also looking the bird.

"Duh, Devon. I brought me daughter. Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, Sato's here? Well why don't you let her know that Ryan's still here? She'll be overjoyed!" Borough exclaimed

"That brings me to the second reason I called you up here...." Zenith dropped the binoculars again, letting them hang by the string around his neck as he faced Borough. "I'm trying to prevent that from happening, and you're going to help me."

With that he whistled loudly and the Talonflame swooped down and landed next to him.


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110 Reviews


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Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:36 pm
Collideascope wrote a review...



Hey,

Nice story, I love Pokemon so finding a well written story about it is always awesome. In my opinion you did a especially nice job with the Pokemon in general. I keep a Pokemon book in my room with me at all times, and yes I still have all of my Pokemon cards! (It's a good thing I've never claimed to be mature) Moving on to the story it's self however,

was my self proclaimed girlfriend


Here you need a hyphen (-) between self and proclaimed.

instantly regreting her words


Regretting is misspelled in this sentence.

sneak a peak at me and smile


While this is a really cute part peak should be peek. Peak referrers to the top of a mountain.

Magenta layed her


Layed should be laid.

Espescially if you love them


Especially is misspelled here.

gone thatlong."


Space needed between that and long.

Well that's it for my nitpicks, aside from those small things this is a really well written story in my opinion. I think you have a lot of talent and will hopefully be reviewing more of your work in the future!
Sincerely,
Collideascope.




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Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:26 pm
Daisuki wrote a review...



Hey! I don't know a lot of the context here, and it looks like you had a nice review by Noelle, but I'll do my best to give some input.

Let's start off with just a couple nitpiks:

"'Finally got him to stop running around huh?'

Magenta turned towards her bedroom door and smiled. 'Oh, dear, he's certainly active.' She sighed."

I couldn't tell who was talking here. I suppose I can infer that it is Ryan saying "Oh, dear, he's certainly active," but putting it in between those two actions of Magenta makes it hard to figure out. When readers have to pause or reread to figure out a small detail like this, I think it really breaks the flow.

"'His name's Faze Aldridge. He's been so lovely to me;I love him so much.' Magenta said."

Should be a space between the semi-colon and "I". Also this sentence is a little awkward, like it's forced. Is it supposed to be like that? If not, I might suggest something more than just those two simple sentences. Something like "He's been so lovely to me, I just love him so much." It's not a big change, but it might help the flow a little better.

Anyways, I saw this in the Green Room and I absolutely love Pokemon. It was definitely a nice read, pretty smooth for the most part and the characters seem interesting. Great job, I hope to see more from you!

-Daisuki




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Mon Jan 12, 2015 4:27 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I haven't watched Pokemon since I was like, eight (I'm terrible, I know) so I feel like I'm missing out on some part of the story because I don't understand. But that's okay because I can still help you with the rest.

First off, there is an awful lot of dialogue in this piece. I tend to only mention this in one shorts or beginning chapters of novels because that's when it's most important to focus on other things. Dialogue is great for developing characters and building conversation, but there are other things that need to be focused on too. Like description. I'll be the first one to admit that I absolutely hate writing descriptions. Why tell the readers about what the surroundings when you could be creating drama and writing dialogue? But it's super important. For example, I'm not sure where any of these people are. In the beginning they're in the woods and then they're in the house. What I don't know is what those two look like. Surroundings are important. Is the woods like any other woods in the real world? Is there something special about it? How is this house decorated? Are there Pokemon things everywhere (aka are the characters needlessly obsessed with their Pokemon)? Give us a little more. We'll appreciate it, trust me :)

I really enjoyed reading your dialogue. Like I said, there's a lot of it. But what you have of it is very interesting and definitely needs to be in the story. I can't find anything that you might need to omit or places where you need to limit dialogue. Do keep the dialogue, please. And continue to write awesome dialogue. It's quite realistic. One thing though, is that you use a lot of ellipses in your dialogue. They're always good to really show when words are drawn out or when the characters hesitate. But if it's overused, the effect is almost ruined. That's my only nitpick of your dialogue. Otherwise it's excellent.

You seem to switch between first person and third person a few times here. The last part is in third person, but I like it like that. I've read things like that before, where the book is in first person, but there are small scenes here and there where it switches to third person in order to understand something going on with, say, the villain. I really like that. And I feel like that's what you're doing here. But there is a part before that where you jump out of first person. The part where Ryan comes home to Magenta and Jason. It turns out that Ryan is standing in the doorway, but it doesn't seem that you're telling the story from his point of view because of this part:

"Finally got him to stop running around huh?"

Magenta turned towards her bedroom door and smiled. "Oh, dear, he's certainly active." She sighed.

"Ryan!" Jason exclaimed. He ran over and hugged my leg.

This all is happening as Magenta reacts to it, not Ryan. I thought it might've been working in the beginning because Ryan could've been watching this all from the door. But there's never a mention of him seeing this through his eyes are that he's standing in the doorway until Magenta realizes it. You'll want to be careful with that. You can still make the scene work -- it just has to be told from Ryan's POV. Just add some bits in there saying Ryan is watching them and it'll be perfect. Then when he says something to announce he's there, have him watch Magenta turn around. Boom. Same scene, different POV.

Ryan seems like a very solid character. That's always an important thing to have in a main character, especially if you're writing in first person. The readers need to really be able to relate to the narrator and feel what he/she feels. You've done a good job giving us a good look at his character so far. I can tell that he's one of those fun loving guys who really care about the people around him. Those are two great qualities to have in a character, especially a main one. I'll be interested to see how he reacts under pressure. (I have a weird thing about wanting to see characters pushed to their emotional limits okay? Don't judge me That's when their real character comes out.) He seems to have a lot of potential to grow throughout this.

Overall this is a good read. Basically my only criticism is there isn't enough description. And I know that you can add that in super quick and super easy :) The story is solid and Ryan is a great character. Your dialogue is great, keep it up! Just maybe tone it down a bit ;) Or just add description to break it up. Also, I'm really intrigued by the ending. I have a thing for villains too (don't judge me... again :3) and what they bring to the story. These two guys at the end sound exactly like villains. So not only do we have an introduction to the story and the main character(s), but we also have an idea of who/what the villains are. All in all, this is a great beginning. If you post more I'd be happy to read them :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

P.S. You seem to be quite the Pokemon fan. It used to be my most favorite show when I was growing up. But I wasn't a big fan when they went away from Ash and Pikachu and started adding those other Pokemon. I'm a total sucker for the original ^_^




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Mon Dec 29, 2014 5:11 pm
dark says...



This is the "surprise" I spoke of!





Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness