Young Writers Society

Hey again, Jazzy!

We've got some pretty good development working here. I'm going to dive in.

But when we do, you don't have the right to put on such an attitude.

keep your enemies closer

You've got a lot in common with it. Mainly your beauty

I'm not flirting. I'm trying to be kind, like you were to me.

Yep, I'm still angry at him.

I'd never had anyone knock on my door before

Hey jazzy! I saw you post the third and fourth chapter for this in the Will Review For Food Forum when I was lurking said forum earlier, so I figured I'd come check those chapters out! I've read the first and second chapters, so I'm as clued up as possible on what's going on.

So to start things off, I'm going to say that I think your story has a lot of potential. It's 100% the kind of thing I like to read, so I enjoyed this overall. I really like the idea of Foxglove living in an isolated house, and how the town looks down on her for not being married at sixteen. It's all a very interesting concept, and so I think this could become something pretty awesome. I do have a something I want to bring up regarding the last chapter before I get started on the critiques for this one, so I'll start there.

I think this was in the last chapter anyway, where Foxglove went to sleep next to her parents' graves? While she was there, she seemed to comment an awful lot on how she didn't know her parents, and just generally gave the impression that she was more or less indifferent towards them. You give a similar impression in this chapter. I just find it odd that if Foxglove really is as indifferent towards them as she makes out, why would she go and sleep next to their graves? It seems like you'd have to be pretty connected to someone to sleep by their graves, y'know? Just something to think about, I guess.

Now in regard to the overall novel so far, I'm really curious to find out who looked after Foxglove as a child. I mean, you said her parents died when she was a baby and, well, a baby can't exactly feed, change, water e.t.c itself. So someone must've had to look after her. Even if she simply went into some kind of care, that's fine, just maybe mention that somewhere. It's not a major issue or anything, but if you don't cover it in the next few chapters, I'd suggest bringing that in somewhere.

Another general comment, which I feel is currently the biggest downfall of this novel, is that your writing is rather fast-paced. I mean, all your chapters are short, but a lot has happened within the first three. We've been introduced to Foxglove, we met Dominic, we learnt about the town, we learnt about the way humans are treated, Foxglove found Arthur, the hunters came knocking at her door, and Arthur woke up. I just want you to slow things down, y'know? Something as simple as elongating chapters would help, I think. Spend more time on the details of what's going on, take your time. Really describe every event and every character in detail--not so much so that you info-dump, but just spend more time on scenes, y'know?

As for this chapter specifically, I must say that Arthur is in a very good state considering he was just shot. I mean, when you describe Foxglove finding him he's in a real state with blood everywhere. As a result, I find it a little unrealistic how he's walking around, cracking gags, and being all chatty. The guy's just been shot, surely he'd be at least somewhat worse for wear? You don't have to make him seem like he's on his death bed or anything, but just make it a little more obvious that he has just been shot.

Another nit-pick I have regarding this chapter is that I find it odd that Foxglove would have just left Arthur downstairs. I mean, for the entirety of this chapter she kept commenting on how wary she was of him, and it was clear that she was unsure of his trustworthiness. As a result, it seemed extremely strange to me that she just went upstairs and left him to his own devices. I mean, he could've done anything. He could've stolen a load of stuff and left, attacked her when she wasn't looking e.t.c. It just seems strange to me that she left him alone downstairs.

All of my whining aside, I am really enjoying this novel so far. I should get to the next chapter some time today, or if not within the next few days, and I'm looking forward to reading it. I'm intrigued to find out what is going to happen between Foxglove and Arthur, and I think you have good chemistry between them.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Tealessence back for reviewing!

As I’ve done before, I’m going to make suggestions as well as comments, or I might just illustrate my reaction to things. That way you can see if you’re getting the reactions you want. : )

“The injured banished is draped out on my coffee table.” Excellent descriptive language here.

“…and I begin to question why I'm treating him like an animal.” Another illustration of Foxglove’s conflicted feelings about the banished. Interesting.

“Crap. They know he's here and they've come to kill the both of us. The guy for being a banished, and me for helping him."I'm not dressed!" I shout the first excuse which comes to mind.” Firstly, I thought the word ‘crap’ was quite the understated emotion of such a moment. Perhaps if you used the following instead: “No.” And have that itself be its own paragraph for extra emphasis. The following text, except for maybe “they know he’s here” is rather redundant as we already know that it would be suicide to interfere with the customs regarding the banished. Aside from deleting that text, I would also put Foxglove’s shouting “I’m not dressed!” on another paragraph.

“I'd like to slap that impatient swine.” Hmm… I’m not sure if this thought should occur when Foxglove is in a state of panic.

“I then quickly pull the living room door shut to hide the banished (if there's really any point in hiding him) and run down to the front door.” Most of the time I tell people to ditch the parentheses as they are usually unnecessary and distracting, but they actually work here. Nice. Note: At this point I think a small detail of Foxglove’s panic could be added for even more effect, something such as: “I open the door, my stomach in a twist, and the hunter…” etc. You get my point.

“I open the door and the hunter is standing there, grinning.” I feel like I want an adverb here. Grinning… darkly? Something among those lines. Depends on how you want to portray him.

“I'm in a hurry?” Once again I’m not sure if this internal detail is appropriate given Foxglove’s panicked state.

“So he doesn't know I saved him? I relax a bit…” I wouldn’t use the word “relax” here; I think an illustration of her ‘relaxing a bit’ would have a better effect. Something such as: “My grip on the doorframe loosened a bit.”

“ "I didn't see anyone, you must have missed." ” I love her attitude towards the hunter. She clearly isn’t the shy, mousy type.

“ "Well there's no one in my garden, I'd know." ” I’m pretty sure this sentence is a comma splice. She’s saying that she would know if someone were in her garden, right? In that case that comma should be a period. I also think it would sound better if she worded it something like this: “I would know if there were/was (I’m not sure whether to use were or was here, sorry).

“I force a smile, but I just look annoyed…” How can she tell if she looks annoyed? Seeing as she’s not in front of a mirror. : ) Maybe rephrase that into something like: “I attempt a smile, but can only mold my mouth into a thin line.”

“…the hunter begins walking away.” I think the word “begins” here is unnecessary. Unless he stops walking away, there is no need for it.

“ "Get dressed. The banished must've crawled back into he forest." ” I really like the voice you created for the hunter. Your word choices make him sound severe and rude. Good characterization.

“You know, that old saying, keep your enemies closer.” The word ‘you’ really stuck out at me here. It distracts me because it makes me think for a moment that we’re in 2nd person POV, which we’re not. Instead, you could say, “As the saying goes…”.

“Not to say that I keep them close, but I can always see them if I have to.” I like this little snippet. It shows more about Foxglove’s character.

“Is it too late for me to grab a gun?” Oh wow. She really is conflicted!

“ "I'm not going to kill you, heck, I'm in no shape to do that…” ” Comma splice. The comma after “you” and before “heck” should be a period or a semicolon.

“ "Shall I give myself the grand tour, or..." ” Haha! For a banished, he’s got quite the attitude as well!

“Arthur bows his head like a defeated puppy…” I think you can cut out the word ‘puppy’ here. It doesn’t seem to fit. Also, this action from him is completely the opposite of the spunky attitude you just showed. Perhaps illustrate the transition of his emotion? Example: “Arthur cringes at my words, and then defeatedly bows his head…”

“…though I've got my hears open.” Typo. Ears.

“…I'll have to kill him and dump his body in the forest.” That’s quite an extreme thought; perhaps you could consider illustrating further her conflicted emotions? Something as simple as “I’ll have to kill him and dump his body in the forest. My teeth clenched at the thought.”

“I've created a bed that's comfortable enough with old packing crates and a mattress. There's a beanbag in the corner which I use for reading…” There’s a sharp, distracting contrast between a bed made out of packing crates and a beanbag chair thing. When I think of beanbag, I think of the modern ones that are all colorful and such. Maybe make it an actual bag of dried beans? She does store up food for quite a while, so a big bag of beans would be credible in my opinion. I don’t know. Something besides beanbag.

“…and my old cot is used as a place to throw my clothes.” You switched to passive voice here when you said “is used”. Instead, it would be better to use active voice and say “I use my old cot as…”

“I'd never even seen a banished before, now there was one just downstairs.” Comma splice. I think a semicolon would work best here.

“My life was getting seriously messed up all at once and it was thanks to that guy called Arthur.” Oh? She’s blaming him for being a banished? Interesting.

“I clench my left hand into a fist, rolling my eyes, and use my right arm to point towards the back door.” I found the phrase “and use my right arm…” quite distracting. Perhaps if you said “one hand into a fist” and “my other hand”?

“ "Don't even touch my plants." ” Haha, I like this. She really values her plants. It’s really good to show that your main character has interests, hobbies, etc. that would still exist if the plot didn’t happen.

“He calls us barbarians?” “Us”? I thought he was referring to the hunters. Foxglove isn’t a hunter.

“He shrugs and makes his way outside.” I think shrugging is a bit too laid-back for him at this point, seeing as him going outside is going to put his life in danger. Maybe instead: “His back stiffens and he makes his way outside.”

“…but I'm half wishing that he'd come back and keep me company.” This kind of surprised me. In a good way. So Foxglove is lonely; she’s not always tough as nails. Good to show vulnerability. And I think ending the chapter on that note is perfect!

Onward to the next chapter!

hmmm...
I'm beginning to become a fan of this series!
You have a really good sense of voice; I feel attached to Foxglove, the narrator, now, which is a great thing.
And I'm loving the new characters. They, too, have their own style and voice.

One thing I'll say that I might like to see a bit more of (later on) is having characters show their personality through mannerisms as well as just dialogue.

Great job; I don't really have much else to pick on.
Keep it up!

~iron.n