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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

An Arrow's Flight - Chapter 1: Rebellion (III of VI)

by BrumalHunter, ThePatchworkPilgrims


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

While winter still gripped the north in its icy fist, the snow had already begun to melt in the central regions of Aeste Mercia; however, this was of little importance to the hooded figure that was sneaking into the menacing city of Lasomnien, the capital of the Rŏdragons. The figure was that of a man, in his mid-thirties by the looks of him, yet he moved with the stealth and grace of a cat on hunt. He was well acquainted with the dark alleys and narrow streets of the ever bustling, overpopulated residential district of the outer-city, and navigated them easily. The air was thick with smoke and the scent of sewage flooding the streets. Most of the houses seemed derelict, but there were at least a few which looked like their owners cared for them.

The man passed various beggars, peasants and shopkeepers, only occasionally bowing his head in greeting before moving on. He passed courtesans and smugglers, though he ignored their sly calls. Several times, he was forced to venture out into the open of a marketplace or an avenue. There, merchants were selling goods from all across Mercia: spices from the Great Desert to the southwest, jewellery from the Za-yin lowlands to the south and golden artefacts from the Gòlfoxes to the southeast. Once again, though, the man paid this no heed, as his mind was set on another, more urgent matter.

He reached his destination a few hours past midday: The Aròdragon Inn. It was a three-storey building just off the main street with a small clearing on the east side which led to the stables behind it. The roof was tiled orange and the window frames were painted to match. People were shuffling in and out of the inn and the man could hear music and laughter coming from inside.

He stealthily moved around the building to the back entrance. The man had been at the in two nights before, and his horse, Moonstruck, was still where he had left him. As the man entered, he removed the hood to reveal a short, fawn-coloured bush of hair and blue eyes as bright as the summer sky. His face had a few scars where he had been wounded in battles long past.

The noise engulfed him as he entered the environment of jollity and humour. He went to the counter and sat on a high stool, turning to watch a couple of brawny, drunk men arm-wrestle. A knock on the counter made him turn around to face a rather plump man with balding auburn hair and emerald green eyes. A pint of ale and a plate with bread and pork had been placed before him.

‘Greetings, Raymont,’ the plump bartender said, patting the man on the back so hard, it made him cough. ‘I thought you would be coming back sometime or the other. It was very careless of you to simply leave your horse here.’

Raymont swallowed the piece of bread he had been eating before replying, ‘I wouldn’t forget Moonstruck – never. Knowing he would be taken care of, I left him here; I knew I would have to return anyway.’

‘It is time, then?’

‘Yes. Umm, I saw several horses out back. Are all of your rooms occupied, or do you still have one spare?’

‘Of course I do! Or at least, I will; there’s this man who just needs to come pick up his horse. He’s only paid for yesterday.’ The bartender looked over Raymont’s shoulder to where a young woman in her early-twenties was serving ale to some customers. ‘Abbie, prepare the room of that scholar for Raymont here.’

After Raymont watched the woman called Abbie replace the serving plate and go up the stairs, something made him turn around.

A couple of guards had walked in. Three of them wore chainmail and the bright red tunic of the normal patrol guards, and carried a halberd. Their leader, a tall, brutish man, carried a helm under his arm and had a longsword hanging from his belt. The man scanned the faces of all those in the inn, which had suddenly become ominously quiet. The captain’s gaze rested on Raymont before he approached the counter and sat next to him.

‘A pint of your special brew, Ricard,’ the captain ordered.

Raymont noticed that a large scar marked the captain’s face and continued across a glossy eye. He would have preferred it if the captain had worn an eye patch, but he quickly put those thoughts aside as he noted the three guards taking up position by the front and back doors.

‘Well, Captain Jonathan,’ Ricard said, placing his hands on the counter and looking the captain in the eye, ‘I haven’t seen you in the lower district ever since you gained command over one of the army’s battalions.’

‘Which means “Captain” is no longer correct,’ Major Jonathan said. ‘Anyway, I’ve been busy, but I’m not here to chit-chat. I’m here on important business.’

As he said this, the guards surrounded Raymont and Jonathan turned to face him.

‘I have heard many things of this fellow here,’ he said, ‘and none of them are good.’

With his peripheral vision, Raymont saw people hurrying out of the inn and the guards pointing their halberds at him.

‘I am supposed to bring you in,’ Jonathan said, ‘but my precise orders were to bring your body.’

Ricard grabbed the major’s arm and said, ‘I will not have you shed blood in my inn!’

‘Very well. Guards, escort our friend here out back.’

The guards nudged Raymont out the back door before surrounding him again. Jonathan came out, put on his helm and drew his sword.

‘Now, don’t resist and we won’t make you suffer.’

Raymont put his hand on his waist, feeling his concealed sword there. He also had a crossbow on his back, already loaded with a bolt. He was astounded that the guards hadn’t noticed the bulge in his cloak yet. Raymont weighed his options before smiling at Jonathan.

‘I don’t think so.’

Before the guards could respond, Raymont already had his crossbow out and shot the first guard just above his eyes. He threw the weapon down and, as he turned, drew his sword and swung it towards the closest guard’s left arm, feeling the resistance as his blade scraped bone. The other guard finally responded by lunging with his halberd, narrowly missing Raymont’s thigh. Raymont evaded another of the halberdier’s attacks and thrust at his side, sending a fountain of blood spewing into the air as he punctured an artery. The man fell to his knees and Raymont ended his misery by beheading him in one clean motion.

Jonathan had stood still during the battle, watching as Raymont sliced open the last guard’s chest.

‘I applaud your skill,’ he said. ‘Defeating three soldiers from my personal troop is quite an achievement, but you can no longer expect any mercy from me. On guard!’

He lunged at Raymont, who barely had the time to parry the blow, but was sent staggering a few feet back by the sheer force of the impact. Jonathan came at him again, swiping low. Raymont parried once more, but after nearly another minute, he was exhausted by the major’s relentless assault.

Jonathan kicked him over and chopped at Raymont’s head. Raymont held his sword up to parry, but suddenly, instead of the usual sound of clashing metal, he heard the sound of a blade breaking. To his horror, it was his own. Jonathan howled in triumph and prepared his final blow, holding his blade high above his head. The only thing Raymont could do was close his eyes and pray.

But the blow never came.

He opened his eyes and saw the major standing wide-eyed with a crossbow bolt protruding from his chest. Standing in the doorway behind him was Ricard, holding the weapon from which the bolt was fired. He approached Jonathan and wrenched the longsword from his hands. The major had gone down on his knees, still wide-eyed and shocked by the sudden development. Ricard raised the blade to his neck.

‘Why?’ Jonathan asked in a wavering voice.

‘Because I look out for my friends,’ Ricard said, and before the major could reply, he hacked at his neck.

Ricard turned to Raymont and helped him onto his feet. ‘Help me carry these bodies into the stables. I don’t want the city guard crashing through the doors and burning my inn.’

‘I have been compromised, Ricard,’ Raymont said, lifting one of the bodies onto his shoulder.

‘Then we must make sure they don’t catch you. I’ll summon the rest for a meeting tonight.’


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Thu Apr 30, 2015 2:36 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hello there :3

Well, didn't it take me forever to get back here >< Almost two whole months! Well, I am here to review the last piece and hopefully be of some use ^^

I actually don't have too much to say because this was a very good chapter. I would even call it the best of the three so far. What I liked so much about it was the detailed descriptions that we got throughout the story, especially at the beginning as Raymont was still nearing the inn. And finally the sword fight was done exceptionally well. Sometimes it seems like moves are simply being listed and that is all that is happening, but this action fight felt realistic and it was easy to follow. I am also admiring Ricard and his friendship right now.

What I did find a bit strange was that Raymont has a scar down his face, and then Jonathan does as well. It's not too often you get people like that at all, and then we have two people like that in the same bar who just happen to end up fighting each other. I can see why you put that characteristic into both of them - it shows that they have a history of fighting and makes them appear tough. But there are other ways to show this. I do believe it is easier for me to visual Jonathan with a scar than Raymont, so I would suggest it was Jonathan who keeps his if you are going to get rid of one.

When Raymont says he has been compromised, I found it strange that he didn't suspect Ricard in the slightest. I can understand it is because he has just saved his life, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little bit of doubt there. I mean, Ricard is the one who he left his horse with. Knowing that his horse was there had to be a huge giveaway that would suggest he would be back, and all Ricard needed to do was alert the right people and let them wait for whenever his return would be. So I wouldn't be surprised if Raymont was that bit suspicious, and I feel like it would be something valuable to add into here as well.

At the beginning of the chapter we do have a long period of time where he is continuously called the man and I would've loved to have had his name sooner somehow. But that is an optional thing and doesn't have to be changed, although it might bother some readers less. I will leave that up to you.

I really don't have anything much more to say - that's how good this chapter was! It certainly has been a while since you've posted and I really hope you guys are continuing this because it has such a promising beginning! And I would love to know what happens next. If you do, make sure you post on my wall or something so that I know to come!

Deanie x




BrumalHunter says...


Thank you for your review, Deanie! It was worth the wait. ^_^

Raymont has a scar? (How does a co-author miss that?) I shall discuss it with Wanderer. Thank you for pointing that out. Also, you will see in later chapters why Raymont doesn't suspect Ricard at all. (Yes, that means the story's still going, it's just stagnant because I always find excuses not to finish writing my character's part. ;) )

The last three parts of Chapter One are finished already, I just need to get myself to post it sometime. Once again, thank you for your support! :D



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Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:44 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

As usual, this was a fabulous read! The elements of action were some of the best that I have read on this site so far.

The air was thick with smoke and the scent of sewage flooding the streets.

I admit that this sentence is grammatically correct, but changing flooding to flooded is more to my liking. It's up to you.
As the man entered, he removed the hood to reveal...

I'm not sure why, but I feel that writing "his" hood instead of "the" hood would be best.
After Raymont watched the woman called Abbie replace the serving plate and go up the stairs, something made him turn around.

As with the majority both of your works, most of the nitpicks that your readers find aren't exactly nitpicks. I can't really explain what I don't like about this sentence because in reality it is perfectly fine. My only way of explaining it is to offer a revision for you to see what I mean:
"Raymont watched the woman called Abbie replace the serving plates and go up the stairs. He turned back to his food, but as he was about to take another bite of bread, something made him turn around."
A couple of guards had walked in. Three of them wore chainmail...

Ever since fifth grade, I've always been cautious of using "a couple." When I wrote that Hernando Cortez had brought a couple of horses to the New World, my teacher jumped on it, reminding me that that would mean that Cortez would only have two horses, when in reality, he had brought over a dozen. (Seventeen horses, to be exact. Don't ask me how I remember that.) Here, it is clear that there are at least four guards, so I would recommend editing this sentence.
Raymont put his hand on his waist

This is a very dramatic part of the chapter, so I feel that the verb "put" is rather dull.
thrust at his side, sending a fountain of blood spewing into the air as he punctured an artery.

For a fun little bit of alliteration (kinda), I recommend changing "punctured" to "sliced."

I find it interesting that every part of the book so far has been about different protagonists, enemies, and settings each time. The good thing is, though, that you have made each one memorable. Even though the first chapter part was posted a few months ago, I can still remember Ioreck (did I spell it right...?) and the frost giants, and I recall your use of "winter gripped the north in its icy fist," used again at the beginning of this chapter. I can also remember Canis (again, my spelling may be off) and the clever plan of rebellion with the spider. All these characters are sure to converge at one point in the book, and that is something I look forward to!

I loved the fight scene, but some of it seemed a little unrealistic. I think that this could be resolved if Raymont became slightly injured, or one of the guards pointed out the bulges in his cloak, prompting Raymont to whip out the crossbow.

I loved when Ricard came to help his friend. You seemed to draw out the fighting just long enough so that the reader would momentarily have him erased from their minds, then boom! He's back to save the day! I was wondering why he had let the guards take Raymont away so easily when Ricard was clearly fond of him.

Again, wonderful job! This chapter section was intriguing from start to finish!

Image




BrumalHunter says...


Thank you, Wolfie, for your most helpful review! Many of the things you pointed out indeed requires attention, and I shall inform Wanderer as soon as I see him. And don't worry about the spelling of the characters' name - your memory serves you well. :)



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Sun Oct 12, 2014 1:19 pm
Milanimo wrote a review...



This is really good! The imagery is clear and vivid, and the suspense about the character was handled well!

Also the fight definitely held good fast-paced action. It was quick and straight to the point. It wasn't slow.

I don't really have any criticisms. It's really well done and I wonder where you're going to go with the three different narratives. Sorry I couldn't really help but this was a great work.




BrumalHunter says...


Thank you for your review! It is much appreciated.





I thank you, random reviewer! I appreciate your short (and sweet...) review. :-)



Milanimo says...


No problem!



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Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:20 pm
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BrumalHunter says...



The same as always applies - emphasised syllables are marked with an apostrophe (words for which the pronunciations were indicated in previous parts will not be repeated):
o Mercia: murr'-key-ah (it occured to me I hadn't said this before)
o Lasomnien: lhi-som'*-nee-ihn (* = as in "pot")

Certain colours have already been mentioned - they can be found in chapter 1, part I - so only new ones will be named:
o Arò is Ancient Mercian for orange and is pronounced "ahro" (as in "cut" and "door")

Any questions about the story are to be directed via PM to either me or my co-author.

~ James Hunt





You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author