Young Writers Society

Hi there!

I don't think I mentioned it in my last review, but I absolutely love your title. Looking at it, I'm wondering how it'll come into play. I'm sure it'll be something awesome and intense when that point comes when we're like "Oh! That's where the title comes in!" I don't know why, but I'm always so fascinated with titles. I think it's because of what it could represent.

I find it interesting that there are these rules that she has to follow. It definitely brings a different perspective to the idea of living a certain lifestyle. However, there's really no explanation as to why there are these rules. Are they rules that her parents came up with? Are they rules that she came up with for herself in order to stay out of trouble? This explanation is definitely something that'll help the story. Not only would it be something that would explain things, but it would also give us good insight into her family life.

When I say not fast enough, I mean 'too many pretty Barbie doll girls glaring at the book in my hand, one new boy and a teacher in a wig that's loose' not fast enough.

"Behold!" my character shouted. "The god's chosen beverage. Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!”

Hi Yastika!

Deanie here back to read the next chapter of your story. I was looking forward to when she went to school because I wanted to know what Miranda's day would be like, and how she would go through the day, and what it would be like. You didn't fail! I like how we get to know a bit about her appearance at first, a bit more about the rules and more about the size of her family. You managed to give us all this information without it feeling info dumpy or too heavy on us at all, which is something I admire in a novel. Good job

You mention the brother a lot at the beginning of the chapter, so I hope he shows in the next one or possibly the one after this because I feel like those mentions should lead to something in the end. Just something to bear in mind for future chapters.

Also, when Miranda goes to find a place to sit, you mention she scans the room and finds a table of geniuses and sits with them. I wonder, did she have any friends from the years she has been to school before. As well as that, shouldn't every table be a table of geniuses? You did mention that they all end up being scientists, so they should be all pretty good at what they do, and acting like little nerds seeing as it is all they strive to do in their lives.

Also, seeing as she is in what is probably a science school, I want to know what subjects she has! That is what sounds intriguing to me. How many subjects can be science break down into? Do they even bother studying drama and cooking and those sorts of things? You could argue that they would be beneficial when it comes to science in the end. And also, maths might be a given, but what about English. You need the language to understand all the textbooks, but then again it looks like they don't like fiction books. So let us know what subjects they take!

I glanced at her eyes, but looked away immediately, I refused to even acknowledge their presence.

You should see my auntie...keeps chiding me on how I even have the guts to read

Hey there, it's rissymay again. Here's some stuff I thought about chapter one:

I really like the beginning- it intrigues me and makes me excited to read the rest of the story...

My eyes fell on a group of know-it-all geniuses, who were perusing their textbooks (I don't think it's necessary to say they were reading science textbooks)-- the parenthesis are really pretty distracting in this sentence

'Shush!", with incredible force in their voice.-- I don't think 'force' is the best word for this- (sorry, that's super nitpicky, but I guess I wrote it down anyway because you have used good description everywhere else except for here... yeah.)

I really see improvement between this and your prologue. I love the humor- I think I was smiling the whole time I was reading. The describing words are really good. Keep writing- I'm excited to read more!
-rissymay

Salutations.

This short story certainly has potential, and with a little more hard work, it can become a fantastic piece of writing! By saying that I don't mean it isn't good, because it is, but it isn't great, which is something both you and I want.

The best way to improve your short story is to understand what a short story is; it is not a miniature novel or just a short story - it has many other aspects as well. Of these, brevity is undoubtedly the most important: only include what is necessary and what contributes to the overall impression of the short story. There are literally books written on the topic, so I cannot possibly explain all of that here, so instead, I shall review your short story bit by bit and then overall.



It takes a while for me to wake up.

Whether you are writing a novel, an essay, or an article, your first sentence must be striking. The title is what draws the reader's attention, but the first sentence is what must convince him or her to continue reading. In this case, the first sentence is lacklustre.

Also, stories are written in past tense. Why? Because you are telling a story - the events have already taken place. Many amateur authors write in the present tense, but that could only be correct if the events are happening at the very same moment the reader is reading it. Hence, the present tense in dialogue = correct; the present tense in narration = incorrect. You use the present tense throughout your short story, so I suggest you rewrite it in the past tense.

Unfurling by eyelids...

I understand you were trying to be creative when you wrote this, but it sounds horribly awkward, so I advise you change it. Also, you wrote by instead of my.

I shut my eyes and keep them closed for a long time.

Writing this two sentences after stating the protagonist has woken is odd, as well as the way in which you wrote it.

My brain gathers strength, and I peel my eyes open again...

Umm... how to put it...? This doesn't read well, unless her eyes are bananas.

My eyes focus for a second.

In three consecutive sentences you wrote "my eyes". It gets tiring quickly.

Her prominent cheekbones poke out in the dim lights as the only familiar thing I can see.

This sentence's structure is awkward. Also...
~ How is someone's cheekbones so prominent that they actually poke out?
~ When you say the light of an area is dim, you do not refer to the light in the plural.
~ Would you recognise your best friend by his/her cheekbones alone?

I try shifting, and notice I can't.

I often place my ands after commas as well, but in this case, the comma disrupts the flow of the sentence and serves no purpose.

I get a pins-and-needles feeling as I try to figure out why it's hard to move.

"Pins-and-needles" automatically refer to the feeling - the phrase has no other meaning.

Someone has honest-to-God hogtied Mariana and I, and thrown us in the back of a van.

I have a few problems with this sentence.
~ Firstly, the underlined text serves the same purpose as a swear word - in both cases, it is used to convey emotion, but in such a crude fashion that it is unpleasant to encounter it in a piece of writing. In fact, it would have shown far more skill if the author of said text had written something impressive. What makes it even worse is that here, it is redundant; placing "hogtied" in italics communicates the same emotion, but in a more sophisticated way.
~ Secondly, the I you used in "Mariana and I" needs to reflect its function in your sentence. It does not, because the correct pronoun is me.
~ Finally, the comma in your sentence is yet again redundant.


It is worrying that I have flared so many errors in your first paragraph alone, so grammatically- and stylistically-wise, you have quite a lot of revising to do. Hence forth, I shall only point out the most significant errors.


With effort, I stare into the gloom in the back of my head and try to concentrate.

I realise you meant the meaning of this sentence to be partly physical, but also partly metaphorical, but it results in a very odd, disturbing sentence; you can only stare into the back of your head if your eyes can rotate one hundred and eighty degrees and if your head is hollow.

"Ooh, look! One of 'em's awake!" He sneers.

If the text following the dialogue refers directly back to said dialogue, e.g. "he said", "she asked", "they shouted", then the first word is NOT capitalised - the only time it is capitalised, is if it does not indicate how the person spoke, e.g. "He turned to face her". Here are three examples to illustrate my point:
~ "You pig!" she shouted.
~ "You pig!" She turned around and stalked off.
~ "You pig!" she shouted and slapped him.

It takes several pokes with my elbows to yank her back to consciousness.

In this case, you can say takes several pokes and yank her back is related, context-wise. Grammar-wise, they are certainly not, since you cannot yank someone back to consciousness by poking them.

Why am I not crying?

We both know that if you want to place emphasis on a particular word, you place it in italics. When you are already writing in italics because the text is a thought or the words of a telepathic conversation, you do not emphasise the word by placing it in bold, but by removing the italics from it, i.e. writing it normally.

1. The window to the front of the van is still open.

2. Mariana has freed her fingers the tiniest bit in her struggling.

3. There is a padlocked translucent case of power tools and knives hanging from the wall. (I shouldn't think about what they are for. Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it...)

4. We are speeding up, so we must be going towards a bigger road. Police patrol on big roads.

You may not use a numbered list in any form of prose unless the character is writing a letter; you write it out.

They found the right files in their records as soon as the killers were brought in...

Whoa, you cannot simply mention the two kidnappers being killers when there is literally no other reference of a murder having been committed.

Then someone touched the right nerve in the interrogations (I may have anonymously sent a tip), and the killers sang like songbirds.

You say "the right nerve" was touched, but you give no further explanation why it was the right one, or even what it is. In a short story you should leave things out, but only unnecessary things.

And what happened to Mariana and I? We made a pact never to accept a drink at a party again.

These are actually the best sentences in your whole short story, not because they are the last two, but because of how striking and effective they are.


In a short story, there is usually a main aspect on which there is focussed. In this case, I would say it is the events which take place before, after and during the short story. Since we have established that, let's see how you succeeded and how you can improve.

Quite simply, your short story is simply too short to provide a satisfactory read. For example, you skipped what happened after the protagonist remembered her friend could pick locks and before the policeman came upon the car. Why?! That part was the most ideal opportunity for you to show us what a great writer you are, yet you left it out completely. What did the girls experience while they were trying to get loose? Fear? Anxiety? Hope? All of these? Now, we'll never know. It's as if you had decided the short story isn't worth any more effort, but if that was indeed the case, how can you expect the reader to make the effort to read and review your short story?

Other aspects of your short story are mediocre as well, but at least your theme is great. You wanted to capture the essence of such a traumatic and dangerous experience, and you have done so excellently. You have once again reminded the reader of the dangers the "real world" poses, and hopefully they will keep this in mind in future.

Overall, your short story is lacking in certain aspects, but your theme makes it worth the read. This story has so much potential, all you need to do now is harness it and use your heart and soul in your writing.

Whoa! This is the second story I read (first being your awesome prologue) after becoming a member at YWS. I love you story idea, it has a LOT of potential!! Well, this first chapter didn't actually 'merge' with the prologue, if you know what I mean. And your use of tenses changed now and then so you should pay more attention to that.
But all in all, awesome story. Can't wait to read chapter 2!!!

First thing: High-fives for the Heroes of Olympus and Harry Potter references! I loved the dolphin-pirate part, too. ("Help," Frank said, like he was reading from a teleprompter, "I am turning into a crazy dolphin.") XD

Second: I'm confused. I mean, I love this SO SO SO much, but I'm not sure how it fits with the prologue. I read it. I think it's great, actually! But this is more like a short story or something, at least to me. I dunno, maybe I missed something. I'm just curious about this (it's kind of in the name) because both of them are really cool.

Third: SAL IS AWESOME. I will say no more.

Fourth: Leather jackets and books! <3 I totally would wear a leather jacket all the time if I thought could actually pull it off.

Fifth: Just an all-around fantastic story.

~Cat.

Mark Twain, John Dos Passos and William Faulkner. Primarily writers of fiction, these disparate personalities were also, in effect, historians of American life whose novels contained profound insights on the cultures that they both embraced and rejected. Their dinner table conversation would add spice to the menu. I think you resemble them.

Alright, I have arrived upon the chapter I have been called unto to review. xD

Urgh, the misery of being short! I can relate to Miranda as she stares into the mirror. Oh, I like the description and way you have introduced her staring into the mirror-- how you have labelled the reflection as a 'she'.

Here are my nitpicks, though:

" She shifted her weight to her left leg, [eying] her black combat boots then [raising her eyes] to her leather jacket. "

"Eying" should be "eyeing" and "raising her eyes" should be "redirected her gaze".

" (...) and I remembered today was school, an eternal abyss of teachers and, ugh, school corridors. "

I don't think "abyss" is appropriate when paired with "teachers", since "abyss" usually means a place which is deep, never-ending and as dark as pitch. It is also quite awkward when used to describe "school corridors". I'm not entirely sure what to change the word 'abyss' to, but what about using "endless mazes" for "school corridors"?

I find it humorous that her hobby to read is looked down upon her society. I don't know, its hilarious if you ask me xD And then how you've described she was a straight-A student and people were impressed, and how the weird 'geniuses' were disgusted by her blissful mirth, they all just sent smiles to my face. School life in science fiction is bewildering.

Sal's character is still quite vague, but it's quite romantic to know both him and Miranda read against the society's will. xD

So, I guess that's all for my review. Don't be ashamed to stop by again and ask for another! I'm always fond of reading.

~Brunnera

Harry Potter references? I suppose they fit the story.
Gutentag! Ich Bien Jumpyspot, hier fur kritik! (In case you aren't studying German that translates to: Hello! My names Jumpyspot, here for review.)
Anyway
I think I spilled my thoughts about your writing in the last chapter. I should have just read this for entertainment and waited till the end to make another. But being stubborn ol' me who doesn't look down before he jumps I've already dedicated my next fifteen minutes to talking about this chapter.
Lions and tigers and muggles! Oh my!
So this one takes an interesting turn in the plot department. Instead of the oh-so-stereotypical-personality-lacking romance interest being forcefully thrown in, you instead introduce us to yet another of your masterful characters. And better yet, you keep building on the one who we already know and love! I know I seem a bit too excited about this, but it rarely happens on a website that's more obsessed with quantity over quality. This is an emerald in a sea of slop. (And that metaphor there? That's the slop.)

With this chapter, your story took another cool twist as well. You introduce some interesting questions to this and you do it so tactfully well that you don't notice these glaring questions until you're done, and by then, you're already begging for more.

You are certainly one of the finest writers on YWS and my respect is of the highest order.
- Jumpyspot
(Ps: keep me posted on when these chapters come out. I'm loving them.)

Time for a review again after a brief hiatus in reviewing activity.

First, I will start with nitpicks/suggestions:

So, first day of school was here. I ran my fingers across my bookshelf, my one pride. All my walls were adorned with books. A plethora of them. This is, apparently, very rebellious of me.

''Required'', I thought,'' for those unbearably soporific, mundane-filled and drowning in muggle-ism moments at school.''

I munched on my breakfast, my mind flitting across the plains of 'that-forever-amazing-land-of-my-books'. But then, moments like that don't last forever, and I remembered today was school, an eternal abyss of teachers and,ugh, school corridors.

Great piece! I love how Mira described Sal's eyes. I wanna be hanging with those perfect eyes! <3