z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Progeny: Chapter 7

by MissGangamash


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

After breakfast, Nico had patched up Evie’s neck and had taken a blood sample before dismissing her, saying that she could entertain herself within the mansion’s grounds while he worked. He had disappeared into a large room in the east wing, leaving her alone to wander the halls aimlessly. The first thing she did was try the door that led to the basement but of course, it was locked. That was closely followed by her failed attempt to leave through the front doors, which were guarded by two men inside and out.

The mansion was three floors. Her bedroom was on the second floor in the west wing. Directly above was another corridor of rooms. She stopped at the top of the stairs when she heard voices coming from that corridor. More guests? she thought. Or maybe they belonged to more of the staff. She had passed two women dusting on her travels and when she accidentally wandered into the kitchen, she had disrupted three cooks slaving over what she guessed was going to be dinner. The numerous staff confused her. If he had cooks and cleaners, it was very likely that he would have a nurse or doctor standing by. So why had it been Nico who had cleaned her neck wound?

But the voices she was hearing were male voices. They were rough yet jolly. They sounded much like the men did when enjoying a game of poker in one of those dingy backrooms down an alleyway. Not that she had ever stayed in one of those long enough to really understand what all the fuss was about. The buildings were always where someone lived so a vampire must be invited in to gain access. And to avoid outing herself as a bloodsucker, Evie always walked on by and disappeared into the shadows with the smell of cigars lingering behind her.

She edged her way as quietly as she could to the end of the corridor but stayed hidden behind the corner. Carefully, she shifted up a little and peered around the wall. Two men were stood by an open window at the end of the corridor, heads bent together in conversation and a cigarette held limply between their fingers. They were dressed all in black but fashionably so. Their shoes were well polished and their black shirts were buttoned to the top. The men looked like simple businessmen but Evie knew that their business wasn’t simple. These were the men that kidnapped her. Maybe not the exact men, but definitely two of the men that Nico employed to do his dirty work while he locked himself in his room in the east wing.

“Terry, grab us some more booze would ya?” called a voice from one of the open doors. One of the men that was smoking flicked his cigarette out of the window and turned in the direction of the voice.

“Yeah, sure, give me a minute.” He started heading towards Evie and in a panic, she rushed back down the stairs, all the way back to the ground floor. Why she ran, she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t as if he would have hurt her. She was human now. But just seeing those men made the memory of the kidnap blaze up before her eyes like an ominous fog, suffocating her. She started coughing and wheezing and began to stumble down the corridor, keeping her hand on the wall for balance. She made it to a huge pair of double patio doors and she almost fell against them but managed to grab the handles and push them open with her weight.

The cold breeze almost blew her backwards, sending her red hair whipping across her face. Her breath caught in her throat and she coughed it back up. She ran out onto the flagged patio, the double doors swinging out behind her.

She could feel it, warm on her skin. A feeling she had forgotten and thought she would never be able to remember. The feeling of the sun. She squinted up into the clear blue sky where it hung, burning brightly. The air was crisp and cold and the way it attacked her bare arms made her smile. She could feel the air - could feel the cold like the different temperatures of the shower that morning.

Happiness surged through her so wild and frivolous that she felt like she was going to pass out.

That’s when she found the wooden lawn chair and slumped down across it, bathing in the sun’s rays. The breeze was like a blanket of cold licking up her exposed skin, cancelling out the sun’s heat for any other human but Evie could feel it pulsing through as if her want for it made it possible.

Gardeners were out, tending to the lawn and the flower beds that framed the football pitch sized expanse of grass. They were kitted out in puffy green jackets and peaked hats while Evie lay, eyes closed to the sun in her jeans and vest top. The light outside lit the backs of her closed eyelids a powerful scarlet. Sometimes when she had been a vampire, she didn’t even know if her eyes were open or closed. Either way…it was just darkness. Hollow. Empty. Black.

Something cold touched her shoulder and she jerked awake with a gasp. Black spots blotted her vision and she blinked until they disappeared. Nico was standing over her, the back of his head lit up by the sun like a halo.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Didn’t you hear me calling?” he asked.

She tried to answer but her mouth was dry so she cleared it. “Sorry…I must have fallen asleep.”

His shoulders sagged and he looked down at her with a soft, almost paternal smile. “Well, anyway, dinner’s ready.”

And as if on cue, her stomach growled. Nico laughed and nodded to the open patio doors. “C’mon.”

She followed him back through the lavish mansion and into the dining room. Again, two plates sat at each end of the table but this time, Evie didn’t have the option to choose what she wanted to consume, which she was rather thankful of. She had felt rather intimidated by the selection this morning.

Nico gestured for her to sit and she did. The smell from her steaming plate of food hit her nostrils and made her stomach growl more impatiently. Nico smiled at the sound and took his seat opposite her. She picked up her fork and stabbed it into a sausage.

“A full English breakfast,” Nico said whimsically.

Evie studied the sausage as if she were staring down the barrel of a gun. She felt sick, confused and overwhelmed. Despite her trepidation, she took a bite, wanting to shut her stomach up. The flavour burst in her mouth, making her let out a surprised chirp with wide-eyes.

Nico was watching her in silence. “Nice?”

She chewed and chewed until she could swallow. “Shouldn’t I have eaten this for breakfast?” she asked, feeling cheated with her bland cereal when this had been awaiting her.

“Your stomach is adjusting to human food again, I didn’t want to force too much onto you so fast.”

She shrugged in understanding and started cutting up her tomatoes.

“How are you adjusting?”

Her auburn hair had fallen in front of her face, shielding her from Nico. She tucked it behind her ears and nodded. “Food’s good.”

“I mean in general.”

Her stomach cramped and she shifted her eyes up to meet his. A lump suddenly swelled in her throat but she choked it down. “It’s hard.”

He nodded. “I understand.”

She shook her head and looked back down, busying herself by dicing up more of the food on her plate. “No you don’t. No one does.”

His brows furrowed and he laced his hands together, propping his chin on them. Evie dared to look up and she was slightly taken aback by the deep, warm gaze she was caught under. “Tell me,” he said.

She cleared her throat, dropped her fork onto her plate and relaxed back into the chair. “Everything has changed. People say that vampires are driven by their hunger, but we’re not. We can last weeks without blood and we are perfectly fine as long as we don’t suffer from any great injuries. Humans are slaves to their hunger. I couldn’t go a few hours without my stomach growling for attention.” Nico laughed but said nothing, listening intently.

“And people say that vampires don’t have souls, that we are merciless and violent but, take this-” She stabbed her fork into a slice of bacon and held it up. “Humans kill animals for their consumption all the time, and they don’t bat an eyelid. This is a life-” She thrust the fork forward a little for emphasis. “-and it’s just lying on a plate. Since the Rage, vampires haven’t killed. Our diet doesn’t need us to. Sure, every few months or so there is an incident when a Dial-a-bite worker goes off the grid and is found drained in a dumpster but there are plenty more deaths caused by humans. You count how many serial killers there are, human serial killers, and compare them to vampires that have killed since the Rage.” She arched an eyebrow, knowing she was right. “The stats would shock you.” But she wasn’t finished. “And if a vampire does kill, they meet the sun, end of story. Whereas humans get put in prison and come right back out again.”

There was a long silence after that, where Evie replaced the bit of bacon with egg and ate it. As the silence dragged on for longer, she feared she had said too much and maybe Nico was mulling over chucking her out and leaving her to fend for herself in this world that now frightened her more than she could comprehend.

“Did you notice you said we?”

Evie almost choked on her egg when Nico finally found his voice. “What?” she asked.

He sighed and dropped his hands. His attention seemed to avert to his meal but he kept talking. “When you were talking about vampires, you said we. Do you still associate yourself with vampires? Do you still see yourself as one?”

The backs of her eyes burned at the question. “I have lived a hundred years as a vampire. I have only lived a day as a human.”

“What about your human life before you were a vampire?” He glanced up at her long enough to probably see the colour run from her face.

“I don’t like to think about that life.”

“Why not?” he continued to grill her even though he must have known he had overstepped already.

“Because it’s long gone. Forgotten.”

“Oh, I don’t think it’s forgotten.”

The twinkle in his eyes when he looked up at her made her grip tighten on her fork. “I’ve had enough. Let’s eat in silence, shall we?”

He shrugged and shoved a forkful of food into his mouth. “Fine with me.”

It wasn’t until a small, plump woman in a black and white old fashioned maids uniform was collecting their empty plates when Evie finally spoke again, wanting to distract herself. Sweat had rapidly beaded on her brows as a nightmarish memory that seemed to smack her in the face when she locked eyes with the maid. “Made any progress with my blood sample?”

Nico’s face brightened at her voice. “Yes, in fact, I have created another serum. I plan to test it tonight. They seem to react quicker when it’s night.”

“That’s because their bodies slow down after sun rise. Even if they can’t see the sun, it’s like a dragging weight.” Her heart clenched when Nico smiled. She knew it was because she was speaking as if she was ‘detached’. Little did he know that it took a great amount of effort on her part.

“Really?” he said, sounding intrigued. “I didn’t know that.”

She shrugged. “Well, there’s some things you can’t learn from prodding them with needles.”

He laughed and took a sip of his orange juice. “That’s true.”

Her lip curled but she fought back a bitter snarl. “Could I come down with you to see the effects?”

His eyebrows rose with surprise and he placed his glass back down. “You really want to?”

She shrugged. “Sure. Seeing as though I’m going to be here for a while, I might as well get used to what you do.”

He smiled but his eyes still looked a little unsure of her fondness. “Okay…”

“And plus, I may be helpful. Seeing as though I have been on both sides.”

He shook his head, confused. “You really want to help me?”

“As long as you stay away from Caius.”

He shrugged. “Sure, I have plenty more to play with.”

“Then play all you like.”

He let out a bewildered laugh. “I’m sorry, Evie. But I have no idea what has gotten into you. One minute you were favouring vampires and the next you are letting me…well, potentially torture and possibly kill them.”

Her heart contracted and she could feel a lump swelling in her throat but she willed herself to keep her face a sickly optimistic mask. “The sooner you perfect the serum, the sooner all the torturing and the death will stop. Then you can cure Caius and we can be together again. I just want to hurry things to that point, which you can understand, surely?”

He nodded with a shrug. “I guess so…”

“Okay then.” She smiled. “Bring on tonight.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
463 Reviews


Points: 12208
Reviews: 463

Donate
Tue May 24, 2016 4:48 pm
View Likes
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Ganga~
This was definitely an interesting chapter. A bit of a filler, but you got to have that sometimes to connect one plot point to another.

One tiny thing I just want to get out of the way:

The numerous staff confused her. If he had cooks and cleaners, it was very likely that he would have a nurse or doctor standing by. So why had it been Nico who had cleaned her neck wound?

This reasoning doesn't make much since. Most large households don't have a nurse or doctor standing by. Now, Nico is an interesting case, but her reasoning shouldn't be, 'he has a large staff, why doesn't he have medical staff' but 'he has need of a medical staff and the means to afford one, why doesn't he have one?'

There's not too much to critique. I almost feel like you could tag this chapter onto chapter six. It's short, and the overall flow is kind of weird with big separation between the two since it's the same day, and nothing incredibly plot changing has happened in either chapter.

If you combined chapter 6 and 7, you could stand to cut some of the useless things in this chapter like her running into her kidnappers and what not.

Backing up to look at the Progeny as a whole so far, none of your characters (that is, the two we've seen the most of: Nico and Evie) are consistent. Both of their character traits seem to mold to what fits the situation the best, but that's not how real life works. People struggle with situations because their characters struggle to fit the role they're forced to play. That makes things interesting. Nico never struggles. He never has to try hard to be nice or force himself to be cruel. As Nightcrawler mentioned, his personality flips.

I think Evie is less problematic than Nico because she does have this unhealthy (if I can be frank) relationship to Caius where he makes up her identity basically. I'm actually really intrigued to see how her personality changes as she comes into her human self which is so different from Caius. Man, if Caius dies, she's going to have quite the identity troubles.

However, having two flipfloppy characters seems less purposeful and more lazy. If the character's personality is perfect for the scene, it's suddenly not as hard to write.

On another note, I found her argument for vampires good, but when she got to the serial killer part, I was a little less into it. Just like there are bad humans, there would be bad vampires because vampires were human at some point. I highly doubt that vampires killing humans is as rare as Evie says it is. Could humans kill as much as vampires do? Yes. I could believe that. Are vampires this perfect being where only a one or two people in the entire population kill people... I doubt it. Until that point, I was all about her argument for why vampires are just as cool as humans.

Yeah. This was a good bridge to more plot, I think. I really enjoyed seeing Evie enjoy being human. That was skillfully done and just a really good touch.
Onto the next chapter,
Megs~






Hello again!

Yes I guess this is a filler chapter and I might add it onto the other, people just don't like reading really long chapters online.

At this point I wasn't really sure how Evie was going to turn out. Sometimes characters just kind of write themselves. I'd definitely say Evie was the character I melded the least myself. I'll have a look over the first few chapters and see if I can tweak some stuff as I now know how she turns out. Evie does have a lot of struggles throughout the book, she's taking things in her stride at the moment because this is just the beginning, she does crumble later on.

Evie and Caius' relationship is unhealthy, there's no arguing with that! That's kind of the whole point.

Again with Nico, I didn't know how he was going to turn out so now I do I'll have a look over the earlier chapters.

It is rare for vampires to kill humans. The human authorities are really strict about it and so are the vampire ones. That's explained more as the story progresses. This is life after the Rage, the world is adjusting.

Thanks for the review :D



megsug says...


Sorry I never got around to replying to that.
I completely understand as far as characters writing themselves. My characters always seem very... turbulent in my rough drafts.

As far as vampires killing humans... I'm just not sure the authorities would be that effective. Like, I believe they could reduce murderous vampires, but just like in reality, authorities can't stop all murders, I would figure it would be the same here.

...Just a thought.



User avatar
254 Reviews


Points: 11196
Reviews: 254

Donate
Sat Oct 11, 2014 6:34 pm
View Likes
Sonder wrote a review...



Hola Gangamash! I'm back for a shorter review. I won't go too in depth with the story line because I felt like we just got tense when I made suggestions. So I'll focus mainly on grammar, and some comments.

Alright, the first three paragraphs were very info-dumpy. Just being blunt, but while all the information about Nico's mansion and his workers is extremely important, it was kind of bland to slog through all the hard facts. You want to show this through Evie's experiences, not by telling it like a narrator.

I did ponder the mention of how Nico should have doctors, and that was interesting. I'm curious as to see what comes out of that. Maybe he is just interested in how Evie responds to the bite now that she is human...hmmm. ;)

I really liked how you described the men milling around, similar to the ones who kidnapped her so rudely. Nico, why do you have such goons? And why are they allowed to smoke and drink on the job? Hmmm...

I loved her reaction to the sun, and falling asleep. That part was very realistic. You never notice you are falling asleep except that you feel content and comfortable and then...Wha? You fell asleep.

My only comment here was this sentence:

Evie could feel it pulsing through as if her want for it made it possible.

Made it possible just sounds odd. I'd say something like, "amplified it" or "strengthened the sun's rays", something like that. It's not like it's impossible, it's just unfamiliar for her.

Nico...I still don't know what to make of him. I'm a little confused by his swings in character, from paternal to coldly calculating to kind. I dunno.

This paragraph was the best in the whole chapter. The description was amazing, and made me hungry. :)
Evie studied the sausage as if she were staring down the barrel of a gun. She felt sick, confused and overwhelmed. Despite her trepidation, she took a bite, wanting to shut her stomach up. The flavour burst in her mouth, making her let out a surprised chirp with wide-eyes.

Fantabulous. It was really well thought-out. :)

Then there's this paragraph about her discussing how vampires don't kill, how bad humans are compared, blah blah blah. She could be a lawyer! She made awesome slams at humans. :) Fantastic explanations, and great backstory and points, but the whole thing is one giant paragraph. Simply make a few indentations to break it apart. Evie can still have the same speech, but it needs to be broken apart simply for better formatting.

It wasn’t until a small, plump woman in a black and white old fashioned maids uniform was collecting their empty plates when Evie finally spoke again, wanting to distract herself from a nightmarish memory that seemed to smack her in the face and send her body shivering and sweat to bead on her brow when she locked eyes with the maid.

Whoa there Nessie. That is all one sentence. Split it into two or three, and it will still be as awesome, but right now it is incredibly long and saturated with great adjectives that are lost in the huge sentence. Also...what memory is smacking her in the face? I seemed to have missed that part...

Oooh the fact about the vamps slowing down when the sun is up is an incredibly interesting tidbit. Did you invent that? It's ingenious! :D

I agree with Biscuits comment on Evie's trickery...something is very fishy. Her sudden change in emotions was pretty suspicious and Nico's reaction was clueless to the point that it was slightly unrealistic. He's smarter than that. I think she should be able to coax him into it with more spice than that. I know you can do it! :)

Like BBA said, I have definitely been seeing you get smoother with editing and such, and I am still very interested in what is happening! My busy schedule keeps me from saying so sometimes, but I'll still be here!

Overall, great chapter! Keep up the good work!

~Night






Thank you for your wonderful review! I wanted to go into detail about what you've said but it won't let me do a long reply -.-

But basically, you haven't missed anything to Evie's memory, it's not been mentioned yet.

And Nico is a goon, he's not as smart as he thinks he is and that it why he was so easily manipulated but I'm working on the ending anyway.

Very quick summary XD Sorry for hounding you!





Oh and with Nico, he is a bit all over the place at the moment but when you learn his backstory and he has more page-time, you'll understand why he is that way :)

And thanks for mentioning the stuff about grammar and paragraphs and stuff, I'll get right to it! :)



Sonder says...


No problem. :)



User avatar
760 Reviews


Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:14 pm
View Likes
ExOmelas wrote a review...



'failed attempt to leaving through the front doors' - 'leaving' should be 'leave' or 'to' should be 'at'. I think the first change would make it smoother.

'More guests? she thought.' - 'More guests?' would make more sense in italics.

'Evie knew that there business wasn’t simple' - 'there' should be 'their'.

'One of the men that were smoking' - 'were' should be 'was', unless yer a proper right Northerner!

'keeping her hand on the wall to keep her balance' - I would change 'keep her balance' to 'stay balanced' so as to avoid repetition of 'keep'.

'She could feel the air. Could feel the cold like the different temperatures of the shower that morning.' - the second sentence can't quite operate on its own. You could change the full stop to a dash, a comma, or an 'and'. My recommendation would be a dash.

'They were kitted out it puffy green jackets' - 'it' should be 'in'. Typo presumably.

'made her grip tighten on her folk' - typo again

You are getting smoother and smoother. This read brilliantly and was great fun to read. You have developed Nico well and your setting is excellent.

I would say that towards the end, Evie's thoughts become somewhat rigid and it is like you're following a formula for how to trick someone. As a result, I'm surprised that Nico doesn't click that something's wrong.

All in all, gahhhhh this was awesome! :D






Damn bloody typos! I was doing so well :( I think it's because I only edited this chapter once. It usual takes me several attempts to catch everything XD

I'm glad you think Nico's character is developing well because as I said before, he's a tricky one :P He's kind of the bad guy but kind of not...

I know, it was quite difficult with the bit at the end but I figured that Evie's fake excuse was sort of believable? After all, the only person she does really care about it Caius. And I made sure Nico seemed sceptical and he does continue to be a little confused, but he is a natural optimist as well, you'll notice that more as his character develops :)

Thank you so much! Glad you're still enjoying it :D



ExOmelas says...


You're welcome :-)




It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela