At first sight

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I saw her from a distance . Her hazel eyes opened wide focusing. Her brown hair fluttering in the soft cool breeze . Her cheeks slightly flushed she was looking for a room . She slowly turned facing my direction I quickly looked down, hoping she didn't see me staring .I wanted so badly to look back up but instead turned my back to her and went to class never imagining I'd see her again .

Hello!

So you can already tell this is too short. Now, there are some novels out there that have short chapters ~ Eleanor and Park, for instance. But the thing is, they do it for a reason. And usually, it isn't the first chapter that's the shortest, because what are we supposed to feel? I don't know anything about this story, anything at all, so I'm lost. I have no compassion, no empathy, no love for the narrator.

I need to know more about the narrator before I can begin to side with or against him/her. Name. Appearance. History. At least a little of the last two. Something

Another note -- fix your punctuation. You have some funky thing going on where you have a space before the full stops. That isn't grammatically correct. There should be no space.

I like that you described the girl, but honestly, she was boring. I want to know more about her than her hair and flushed cheeks. I know the narrator is a typical boy (right? like I said, we need to know more about the narrator! Crucial!) and all he sees is the appearance, but there's gotta be more to it. Hopefully, there's more to it. Show us more. Perhaps he catches her at an intimate moment; by that, I mean, she's reading a book and her eyes are full of tears as she reads. The sheer intimacy, the way she looses it over fictional characters (we can relate) moves him, makes him curious to know more, to know who she is. Or maybe he catches her smiling as she remembers something she's fond of, the moment giving her a rush of happiness and it shows on her face.

Stuff like that. Small things you would only notice when looking close enough or at the right moment. And if you do want to stick with basic things like her hair, go for more specific details. Perhaps she's nervous and she's twirling it. Or it's messy on the left back side of her head, which means she didn't brush her hair that well but it's still a messy cute.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you choose to expand more on this.

~Iggy

Hi there! I am Brunnera, one of the many users on the site who comes here to give you a warm welcome to YWS. Make yourself at home, get involved, be helpful and you are sure to have a great time here!

Let me continue with your short chapter.

First, the title. It must be "At First Sight" since it is the title of your chapter.

There were a large number of mistakes concerning grammar and punctuation, but the general description was good.

Throughout the story, the full-stop is a space away from the last word, which is wrong. For example:

" I saw her from a distance . "
Note how the full-stop is far from "distance". Remember that the full-stop should be close to the last word, if not then it is a grammatical error, so "distance." is the correct version.

" Her brown hair fluttering in the soft cool breeze . "

Brown hair does not "flutter". The term is commonly used for butterflies. Altering the sentence to "The soft, cool breeze playing with her brown hair" will make it sound better.

" Her hazel eyes opened wide focusing. "

I don't understand this, the lack of punctuation and rather poor choice of words confuses me. If you meant to say her eyes were wide open and were scanning the room, this is how your sentence should look like:

"Her hazel eyes were wide-open, scanning around."

Sounds good, doesn't it?

" Her cheeks slightly flushed she was looking for a room . "

Without a comma, this line is puzzling. Putting a comma between "flushed" and "she" will make it easier.

" She slowly turned facing my direction I quickly looked down, hoping she didn't see me staring . "

Alright, here's how it should have gone down:

"She slowly turned in my direction, and I quickly looked down, hoping she didn't catch me staring."

Then, we move on to the last line:

" I wanted so badly to look back up but instead turned my back to her and went to class never imagining I'd see her again . "

My version:

" I wanted so badly to look back up, but instead, turned my back to her and went to class, never imagining I'd see her again . "

Alright, that's the end of my analysis of your draft.

Here's what you need work on: the basics. Not trying to sound mean, but your grammar and punctuation is totally off. These two things are very easy to fix if you read widely, get plenty of guidance and work on them.

Once you have put your grammar and punctuation on the right track, work on your imagery and description.

All we know about the girl, physically, was that she had brown eyes and hair-- but is that all? What about her skin, the angle of her nose? The gentle curve of her delicate, puckered lips? The lack of the description makes the reader unimpressed by the female protagonist.

Then, where are they? In a classroom? Outside the school? In the middle of a field, or a crowded auditorium?

In fact, your whole draft was very vague. It needs a lot of work, a lot of help-- you should read more and note how others describe things, how they work on the punctuation, how they use their grammar and so on.

I hoped this had helped you, fellow member! I dare say this was quite enjoyable, it reminds me of the love at first sight (that you originally meant to convey) and the innocent attraction a boy has for a clumsy girl completely oblivious to her own beauty.

Keep writing!

~Brunnera