Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this certainly makes for an interesting prologue, not gonna lie, its the first prologue of its kind I've seen, that is say its something to do with broken hearts and that sort of thing and not just large mysterious explosions, heists and deaths...oh well...more details below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The sky’s eye had risen to place, seeing everything of the town. It saw a twittering bird swooping from tree to tree, it saw a bee descending on a flower, it saw the streets still damp from last night’s rain, and it saw the houses along with every soul that lived in them. The privacy of the darkness had once again been stripped off of Hollowlyn and the townspeople reacted thus: they woke up, swung their feet off the bed, and carried on with their lives.

In one house, a little boy watches curiously as his mother pours the pancake mix onto a hot skillet. In another, a man blissfully remembers that it’s Sunday and swings his feet back under the covers. On the streets, Jacob breaks sweat, anxious to get to work. His shift had started fifteen minutes ago, and in his core he can feel his boss’s patience slowly waning. So Jacob pedals his bike ferociously, taking no caution of the wet road, though he makes sure to give his bell a quick ring as he whips past Pastor John.

The young man had already disappeared around the corner, so the pastor doesn't bother waving back. Instead, he continues his trip to the local church, where rows of sinners will soon sit before him and drink in every words of his sermon. But as those sinners presently throw on their suits and their fancy wide-brimmed hats, the pastor strolls pasts their homes with his bible in his grasp. He breathes in the fresh morning air and basks under the eye’s warm gaze, feeling at peace with the world. That is until, the thought of me creeps up into his mind. Slowly, Pastor John looks far out to the east, where the pine trees stand tall and the morning mists slinks around the barks. He’s thinking about my great pink house, sitting in the depths of them and of its one occupant: James.

Before everything, there was nothing distasteful I could have told you about James. In the prime of our acquaintance, he was the shy blonde boy that liked to walk me home from church. Many years later we married, which surprised no one. But when I’d wake up to him, a wave of surrealism used come over me: The boy I grew up with now inhabited the body a grown man, tall and lean with dark-curls and sun-kissed skin. But some things never changed, like the way he spoke, now in a lower octave but still in a tone so very gentle, and the way he’d look at me with those glistening dark eyes, still wide and guileless like a fawn.

For the people of Hollowlyn, it’s now common knowledge that I left James. They keep their distance from him now, in hopes to give him the privacy to mend his broken heart. Which is mydoing apparently or at the very least, Pastor John believes it is. As he continues to gaze east, his brow comes together and his face becomes grave with concern for James, his dear son-in-law.

Hey! Finally here as requested. So sorry for the wait.

That ending though! So good.

Okeydokey... You've done a really good job with this so far. I'm really impressed with all of it, really. One thing that really stood out to me though was the amount of time you spent on Jacob. I like the little glimpses into other people's lives, but he gets a name and practically a paragraph to himself. It's filler that doesn't seem to be necessary. You could condense all of Jacob's actions into one sentence if you really wanted to and still have that lead in to Pastor John.

Now, it's a prologue, so I definitely want to wait and see what will actually happen, but when you sprung the "grave concern for his son-in-law" on us (while I love that twist) I kind of got this ">.> Oh no" feeling because the "I love my in-law more than my actual child doesn't seem realistic. It seems like it's been put there for the drama of it all. However, I could be completely wrong. I just wanted to bring that up now.

This is so good! It's hard to find something decent to critique!
I will say that your description is wonderful. I love it. Instead of bogging the reader down it pushes them on this current of easy details that slowly pulls us into the town you've created. I mean, I went a little mushy and romantic about it, but then, I really appreciated.

The mystery you have here is so exciting! Who is Luci? What happened to her relationship with James? What will happen next?! Can't wait for chapter one

If you have any question, comments, or concerns, lemme know via my wall, PMs, or the chatbar.
Megs~

Hi. Happy Review Day!

All right. This prologue has a very good hook to it. It makes me want to know more about James and why his wife (I presume her name is Luci, via the title. If I'm wrong however, please correct me) left him. Part of me, like Iggy, thinks she died. I don't think she could have described what was happening the way she did if she were still alive. That, and I don't think people would leave a man alone if he divorced his wife. I'd figure friends would come over and take his mind off things, not leave him to mope his loss. That aside, though Iggy has pointed out most of the mistakes, there are still a few things I want to call your attention to. I'll list them down below.

Instead, he continues his trip to the local church, where rows of sinners will soon sit before him and drink in every words of his sermon.

But as those sinners presently throw on their suits and their fancy wide-brimmed hats, the pastor strolls pasts their homes with his bible in his grasp.

Slowly, Pastor John looks far out to the east, where the pine trees stand tall and the morning mists slinks around the barks.

Hello there! Welcome to YWS. ^^

The sky’s eye had risen to place

It saw a twittering bird swooping from tree to tree, it saw a bee descending on a flower, it saw the streets still damp from last night’s rain, and it saw the houses along with every soul that lived in them.

a man blissfully remembers that it’s Sunday

Jacob breaks sweat,

Which is mydoing apparently or at the very least