z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Ascension Chapter 5- Tyr

by beans


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Angela stared down at her father, hardly hearing the sounds of battle being joined in the kitchen.

Is this really how my life ends?

"No." A woman's voice answered her, and Angela recognized it almost instantly; She turned to see the woman in black standing in the front door, her hair soaked and clinging to her face. One cold eye peered at Angela through the tangle, like an apparition out of a horror movie. She was even more terrifying in person, but Angela felt nothing. "Your life is just beginning."

"Are you the one my father called ally?"

"Well, I've killed four Galthirians and I'm about to kill eight more, Gods be good."

"One."

"Pardon?" The woman asked.

"Just kill one. For me. For my father. You know who I mean."

The woman glanced at the Mayor, then back at Angela. Angela realized that her father was staring in Mara's direction. "It's a deal." She offered a hand to Angela and Angela took it, standing up with one last glance at her father, the noble Mayor Eld Siegfried. Or as she knew him, Dad.

The man who had lifted her into the air as she squealed in girlish delight, took her to the movies, to fairs, erupting in a hearty laugh as he smashed her birthday cake on her face from behind one year.

He always smiled at her even when she wanted to push him off a flight of stairs, told her stories of her mother and how they had met. Cried on her shoulder when news came to them that Elena, her eldest sister, had died in Lincera getting a little boy to safety. He wrote them sometimes, telling them in broad, sloppy chicken-scratch how much he had admired her and how sad he was that she had died for his sake.

He had come home one day in a wheelchair, and she had sworn to herself she would always look after him as he had done for her, to protect him from his enemies and more importantly, protect him from his "friends." Sworn that something like that would never happen again so long as she drew breath.

How much I have failed you.

Without warning, Angela suddenly found herself in the arms of the woman in black. She hugged Angela, and hard; She was dripping wet from the rain, yet Angela didn't mind.

"You will find a red car outside. Have you ever fired a gun?"

Angela had received compulsory military training back in Galthir until her seventeenth birthday; She had been trained in all disciplines of combat, but had never taken to it. Blood had made her squeamish, not so much her own but that of others. Where had all of those years of toil gone? "Yes."

"Good. Go out to the car, and wait for us. There are weapons there you should be familiar with, in case anything happens. Lapis is there; Take care of her. She's somewhat... Under the weather. We will come for you soon."

"What about my father?"

"That is not your father. That is the shell that held your father. A pathetic thing, to hold a man so noble and just."

Angela wasn't sure what to make of that comment, but she knew the woman was right. Her father was gone, and what lay on the couch meant nothing.

"What is your name?"

The woman brushed the hair from her face. "I am Mara. I'll be looking after you from now on. Now go. I have business to attend to."

Angela left her in the foyer and went outside, her body feeling as if it had no weight whatsoever. Absentmindedly, she hoped the letter her father had given her to give to Mara wasn't soaked completely through.

Before long, she came to the car Mara had mentioned and noted with mute curiosity a watered-down puddle of blood not far from it. However, she didn't think any more of it until she opened the passenger door and saw Lapis inside.

Lapis was sitting upright in the backseat, mud caked to her face and clothes. Blood soaked through onto the upholstery; Most likely hers.

She opened her indigo eyes and managed a weak smile.

"Lapis... What happened to you?"

"Those things... guns... they hurt."

***

Aurin had witnessed the exchange between the woman in black and Angela, and watched as Angela went out the front door. He stood with his back against the wall, peeking ever so often through the kitchen door to see if Abaiss had broken free of the ice and come in looking for bloodshed.

His shaking hands clasped the gun, feeling the weight of the metal and polymer molded into a shape meant for killing.

He glanced at the woman in black, and she met his gaze levelly.

Suddenly, he felt a strange coldness in the back of his head, like someone was touching the nape of his neck with an ice cube.

don't know who you're dealing with

Aurin almost reeled, but remembered some of his training at the Tower of Aeos. Still, he had never thought to meet a telepath. He focused his inner eye back at the woman in black.

suppose you do then

would... that I could forget

who the fuck are you 

She smiled.

someone who knows what they're doing

seems to me that you're showing up at a very convenient time, aren't you

The woman shook her head, and glanced again at the Mayor.

not convenient enough

She drew her pistol and strode quietly through the foyer. She peered ominously into the kitchen, presumably out the back door.

not out there

"What?" Aurin couldn't help but speak with his vocal chords.

She turned, alarmed, towards the window behind Aurin. "Get down!"

The window burst into glass and shrapnel and Abaiss came through feet first, his hands grasping the outer jamb. The window was seven feet off of the ground.

He crouched on all fours for a moment. His oceanic eyes were wild, animal-like, burning underneath his now wet and matted hair. In between sharpened teeth, was the handle of his pistol. In a blur of motion, Abaiss had the hammer back and was releasing a quick burst of shots directly at Aurin's center of mass.

Aurin whirled into the kitchen, each breath a shuddering, ragged gasp. He clutched his chest, felt his heartbeat rising, burning a hole through his bones; His hands came away without blood. Multiple gunshots rang out in the foyer behind him, then a sudden lull.

A low growl emerged in Abaiss' throat, which then ascended to a mad, raucous laughter.

Despite the terror, Aurin found the strength to look out behind the wall. Abaiss and Mara stood, face to face and gun to chin. Neither fired, their eyes locked in an intense battle. Aurin noticed that both pairs were exactly the same color.

"Isn't this a pretty picture... Is that who I think it is? Mara? By the gods, it's been years hasn't it? Looks like you've grown hair."

"Yes. And you've stolen another body."

"I might have known you would be involved in this. You were always a bit of a wild card, but this... This is a horse of a different color, isn't it?"

Aurin gripped the gun in his hands.

His ears started to ring, and his lip twitched.

The grandfather clock's pendulum ticked.

He stepped out of the doorframe, the gun's barrel tucked between his fingers. "Mara! Get out of the way!"

He threw the gun towards Abaiss.

Abaiss deftly caught it in mid-air without looking, a incredulous look on his face. He now carried two guns.

The pendulum tocked.

Aurin clenched his fist and shot his arm to his right. Electricity trailed behind in a perfect arc.

The guns exploded into a ball of fire, igniting the couch and the drapes. Aurin ducked behind the kitchen wall and Mara presumably hid behind an upturned desk.

He peeked around the doorframe and saw that a fire was spreading fast; Most of the furniture had caught, and the drapes were now dancing plumes of flame. The framed pictures of nobles the Mayor had never known cracked, and shattered.

Aurin felt all the air go out of his lungs as he saw a figure emerging from the fire, striding forward as calm as a midsummer morning.

Abaiss' uniform was burning away from his body, revealing a skin tight black jumpsuit with glowing white geometry emblazoned on the chest and abdomen. The air shimmered around his curly blonde hair and face, clean and eyes full of predatory hatred, though not without a glimmer of approval.

"That was clever, boy. So you're really him. Edmin the Great's prodigious son. I might have known when I nearly emptied my clip into your chest and watched each bullet miss. And just then... You increased the oxygen levels in the room, and ignited the gunpowder within the bullets in the gun to set off an IED. Very clever indeed. You would have got most men with that trick, but me... I come prepared." He thumped his chest, the jumpsuit making a hard sound like steel plate. "Courtesy of Aegis Industries... The newest innovations in blast protection, on demand for the right price."

Abaiss looked at his own pistol, which was glowing red hot and losing shape. He made a sound of disgust and dropped it on the floor. His hand was unmarred.

"You managed to disarm me, though. Lucky for you, as you disarmed yourself pulling off that little trick."

Shit.

Mara sprung at Abaiss, in her right hand a blade that glimmered orange in the inferno of the foyer.

She jabbed at his neck with incredible speed and force; He grabbed her arm, twisted, and looked surprised for a moment.

"That's new."

He swept her leg out from under her.

She flipped backwards, catching herself on her hands and shooting herself back onto her feet, just in time to see a windmill kick directed at her face. The impact would easily snap her neck.

Abaiss' leg slammed against nothing; A loud, painful crack was heard as his shin and his thigh bent at a grotesque and unnatural angle. To his credit, he merely grunted and fell to one knee.

That crucial moment of utter concentration had taken much more out of Aurin than he had anticipated. He touched fingers to his nose, and they came away bloody; At the sight of it, he swooned and caught himself on the door-frame.

Mara grabbed Abaiss by the throat and threw him to the ground; Then with her foot on his back she grabbed his right arm, and yanked it up. The arm underneath her jacket sleeve whirred like a power drill, and a fire independent of the Manor's came to life on the leather; It burned away, revealing a hellish contraption that vaguely resembled a human arm. 

Aurin heard bones separating and muscle tearing. Abaiss howled in agony, but it morphed into an inane, hysterical laughter, like he had just earned the winning lottery number by killing it's previous owner. His breath hissed sharply as he spoke.

"That was a good one. You were always much better at the close quarters fighting than I was... Then again, this isn't mine own body. And you had help." Abaiss laughed again, and spat blood on the floor. The flames were roaring now, and spreading up to the second story. The glass in the windows exploded outward, and fire licked at the ceiling.

"Well, I had a good run with this body. I think it's about time we called it a night, eh dear sister?"

"Don't do it."

"Oh, but it's already happening!"

Mara stared into the blue wristwatch as it became bright, pulsating with a light that was impossibly alive, like a beating heart. She let go of his twisted arm, and dashed to Aurin, who slumped against the doorframe, his eyes staring into nothing.

Abaiss rolled onto his back, shrieked and cackled like a hyena; a burning beam crashed down on him from above.

She shook Aurin; His head jerked up and clarity returned to his eyes.

"We have to go! NOW!"

She grabbed him forcefully by the collar and they darted out of the door as the flames consumed Abaiss' broken body. They heard him triumphantly and agonizingly scream one word.

"HADES!"



Lapis heard the name, and recognized it without knowing; It was an ancient name, she knew, and it's calling meant a plea for destruction, a prayer for death.

Ignoring Angela's stare, she opened the car door and got out.

Fire and smoke billowed out out of the Manor's windows in a hellish display, as Mara and Aurin ran full sprint towards the car. Angela got out of the car, loaded G-24 in hand, and trotted towards them, adrenaline pulling her forward.

A sickly light gleamed from behind the open doors, a light most definitely not attributed to the fire.

"Did you get him?"

"Get back in the car, Angela!"

"But-"

"NOW!"

The front of the Manor exploded in a cloud of flame and debris, and the sight of what came out filled Angela with terror. The gun fell from her limp hands and clattered against the stones.

A giant, metal arm burst out and dug into the ground, pulling up concrete and raw earth, leaving waist-length furrows in the earth as it's claws retracted back. Then an impossibly huge form reared up from the ruin, collapsing the Manor around it in an apocalyptic blast of flame.

Standing at its full height, it was fourty feet tall, clad in metallic, chitin-like plates from head to toe, reflecting the hellfire around it. Its arms were as wide around as a small grain silo, and it's legs even larger; its torso couldn't be concealed with two trucks parked side by side.

A horned head like a basinet helmet with six, rotating insectoid eyes sat on a thick neck of many cords and pipes, and the eyes glowed an otherworldly blue, staring down at them with what was unmistakably death.

Angela heard a scream, and realized it was hers.

Mara and Aurin grabbed Angela by the arms and hauled her back to the car, as Lapis walked past, taking slow, deliberate steps towards doom incarnate.

Angela cried out, reaching for her.She struggled against Aurin, who shouted something she did not hear.

"Lapis, no!" The thing stepped forward out of the ruin, it's footstep nearly causing them to spill onto the ground.

Lapis continued her death march forward, and the beast came upon her in a furious pace, it's stride unmatchable by any living creature.

It raised a foot and brought it down on Lapis.

A light exploded into Angela's eyes, and she tried shutting her eyes tight. She quickly realized they were already closed; The light filled her entire being, buffeting her to her core.

The beast wobbled as the living light engulfed it's raised leg, and the light materialized into a hand; A bright, luminescent hand, which held a death grip on the metal beast.

It lowered for just one shard of a moment to throw Hades back. Hades fell to the earth, tossing Angela, Aurin, and Mara into the air. The car left the road for an instant, bouncing on its tires.

Another shape emerged from the light. Waves of pressure drummed against their chests in the same rhythm of a heartbeat.

***

Eris Dobari looked up from a book she was reading, a novella titled The Lion and the Hawk.

***

Zealous cackled as he cut his way through several men, untrained pirates and brigands with firearms who could not hope to best his swordsmanship. His prized Uchikatana sung through the air, splashing arcs of ruby across the metal floor of the bridge.

As the scum of the earth lay around him, he paused for a moment, to reflect on a curious sensation in his spine.

***

Celyne Juniperi straddled her latest victim, a wealthy arms dealer by the name of Sedrik Gunthoer. She arched her back in pleasure, feeling the climax approaching.

A powerful force dislodged her rhythm, bathing her nerves in an unpleasant wave of energy. She felt her orgasm fade away, and in a shrieking rage she took the knife she was concealing behind her back and stabbed Sedrik repeatedly, his moans of ecstasy turning into screams of pain.

***

Essos Flame-born felt a shock run through his being as he downed his sixth shot. His hand squeezed the shot glass and it shattered in his hand.

***

Kyo Moreno felt it as well, as he studied the expanse of Ascension laid out before him. He turned as the immortal Queen Armaea Tillarand woke from a deep sleep, and met his gaze.

***

In a deep, dreamless void, Haku Feldman stirred. From the primordial tangle that was his beard, his cracked, thin lips uttered a word that no one was around to hear.

"Tyr."

***

Another being towered above them, similar in height to the other, lean and lithe and sexless. White horns like the antlers of a majestic stag protruded from its head which, in that very moment, framed a bolt of lightning that struck the Northern Martics. Even in the dim rainy evening, the angular plates that covered it's body glowed opalescent like the moon, in it swirling all manner of colors and hues.

Angela could not see its face, but she could see the blue radiating from its slit-like eyes.

Are you friends with Angela?

It stood with its feet planted wide and firmly apart, with its back to them, staring dead on as Hades advanced again, its meter-long feet smashing into the wet earth.

Tyr moved its hands as if through water.

Mara turned the key in the ignition, and the bear inside the hood woke up- Then fell asleep again. She cursed and slammed a fist against the dashboard, denting it.

Hades roared, its voice the likes of which no human had ever heard and lived to recount.

Tyr's armored elbow connected with its face, smashing the light out of Hades' eyes for a moment.

The beast reeled, and Tyr took advantage of the opening, grabbing Hades by the shoulders and driving an armored knee into its chest, the movement as quick as the flash of a shooting star. Something that impossibly huge would surely be subject to the law of gravity, but it was becoming increasingly evident that these beings had no regard for natural law.

Mara tried again; The car sputtered and died pathetically. "Piece of shit!" She barked.

Hades went airborne and landed on its feet, shaking the ground beneath. It shook its head and roared, and swung, a hay-maker flying through the air at mach speed.

Tyr ducked, it's right arm coming up in a deft uppercut, jerking Hades' head back. Blood spewed from its mouth, splattering voluminously on the earth.

Hades stumbled backwards and collapsed into the shambles of the Manor, flames and embers shooting up around its body.

Tyr was upon it then, standing over it and bashing it over and over, the sounds of which were deafening to Angela's ears. Metal grated and screeched, and the impacts cracked as loud as thunder.

Hades grasped for one of the parked military trucks, and slammed it hard into Tyr's face, a thunderclap sounding off as the truck tore in half. Tyr grasped its face, seemingly in agony.

Hades brought its foot up, kicked hard into Tyr's abdomen.

Mara shouted as Tyr's shadow fell upon them.They dove out of the car doors andran with their legs pumping- just as Tyr landed on its back not more than ten feet from them, smashing the car underneath.

Angela was suddenly in freefall, and in that instant she could see each and every droplet of rain clearly, each one of them encapsulating a moment from her life.

Angela could almost taste the cotton candy from the fair, remember the lines from the first movie she and her father had seen.

A voice cried out her name, muffled through the ringing in her ears. Was it her father? Her mother? One of her sisters?

An arm curled around her waist, and she turned her head to see Aurin, his red hair afloat in the air and his yellow eyes wide with panic.

"ANGELA!"

They hit the ground, Aurin first- slid on the grass. Aurin let in a sharp breath of pain, gasped.

She sat up, dazed, and turned to see Hades approaching fast, as Tyr struggled to get up.

Hades' stomped on Tyr's chest, burying Tyr three feet into the earth. Hades stomped again- Dark liquid sprang up like an oil leak, mingling with the rain.

Aurin writhed in the grass, his face tight with agony as he gingerly touched his bloody back; His hand touched a piece of metal protruding from his back, and he passed out.

Mara closed her eyes tight, and suddenly Angela felt her head become cold and open; Thoughts she knew weren't hers flooded her brain, and she saw things behind her eyes she had never experienced.

Mara's voice boomed in her head, as if through a megaphone.

Sometime tonight, Edric!

Angela screamed into the rain, despair overcoming her as Tyr grasped feebly for the leg coming down on it like a guillotine.

"Lapis, get up!"

Hades laughed, the laugh of a demon in the throes of mayhem.

"Get up, Lapis!"

Hades brought up its leg for another blow.

Something whistled in the air, quiet at first, and then loud enough to drown out everything else.

Hades looked up at the sky, and then its face disappeared in an explosion that cleared the air of rain, the shockwave rippling across the grass and practically drying Angela's clothes.

Hades was staggering, disoriented, a cloud of smoke obscuring its features; Tyr rolled onto its chest, rose, and grappled Hades by its arms.

They spun for a moment, like dancers in the midst of a waltz, once, twice, then Hades left the ground, careening through the air.

Tyr ponderously fell on its knees to the earth, the sound reverberating across the forest. Blood poured out of the breach in its armor.

With a howl, Hades careened off the ground, then vanished off the side of the cliff overlooking Marta, as it grasped desperately for purchase and tore the lone tree from the cliff face, roots and all. They heard it smash against the cliff once, and then it was gone.

The night suddenly became quiet, save for the gentle patter of the rain.

Tyr remained on its hands and knees, as cracks of light broke along its body, ember-like chunks floating up into the air and dissolving in the rain.

Soon, the form of Tyr was all white light, and it burst, blinding Angela momentarily.

When she dared look again, Lapis was all that remained, on her knees like a supplicant. She fell into the mud, and didn't move.

They all lay there, as the rain started to clear up and reveal a starry sky, the remnants of a supernova present in heavens above. 

Suddenly, a flood light engulfed them; Angela felt strong arms lifting her from the grass, saw a multitude of blinking lights above her. Voices she did not recognize asked Mara questions; Mara answered each of them calmly.

Angela saw something huge looming in the rectangle of light; She felt panic grip her again, but she recognized the shape. It was a Mobile Artillery Suit, holding a .905 caliber sniper cannon, the barrel glowing red hot and emitting smoke. It stood guard as she passed under it.

She realized that a hand was clasping hers, and she looked to either side; Aurin was out cold, his face set in a peaceful repose of unconsciousness. Lapis gripped her hand tightly, and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I have failed you."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
463 Reviews


Points: 12208
Reviews: 463

Donate
Fri May 01, 2015 2:02 am
megsug wrote a review...



Hey beans~

Snap! Things be getting serious up in here! This is probably my favorite chapter so far. The tiny bits of scenes are really effective with all of the different people. Also, I don't know what's cooler than giants fighting each other.

The second half of this chapter is practically flawless. I'm not entirely clear what you were trying to get at with some of the telepathic things Angela was experiencing, but other than that, I have no complaints.

The first half though.

In the last chapter Sparrow (I'm going to keep calling him that because I cannot for the life of me retain his actual name. So many people seem to have changed names or go by two names, I seem to be in a constant state of confusion when it comes to keeping names and characters straight.) closed the mayor's eyes and the mayor was looking upwards in peaceful acceptance of death. Now the mayor's staring at Mara?

In the fight scene between Mara, Sparrow, and Abaiss (whose name I also have trouble remembering) I lose track of where everyone is and what they're doing and what's going on at all, really. I figure out what's going on again eventually, but it takes a while. Again, I know action scenes lose some of their significance when you don't take them fast enough, but I think yours could slow down just a little.

That fight between Tyr and Hades left me really pumped!

Onto the next part,
Megs~




beans says...


Excellent points! I totally missed some of this stuff. You are the reviewer I need, but not the one I deserve.



User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Fri Oct 24, 2014 10:43 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested!

I just realized that I totally read the prologue and first chapter of this novel and then haven't come back to read more. Shame on me! After this review I'll start catching up :) That being said, I'm going to try and stick with nitpicks and read this as a single shot, but it'll be a bit hard for me. Please excuse my ignorance if I say anything that's negated in an earlier chapter ^_^

Gah, I hate being all nitpicky. I apologize in advance if any of this is harsh. It always sounds so harsh to me...

and Angela recognized it almost instantly; She turned to see

The word after a semi-colon isn't capitalized. The great thing about semi-colons is that you're able to write a run-on sentence and actually make it work. At least that's how I think of semi-colons xD So the sentence is continuous, which means there shouldn't be any more capitalization unless there's a proper noun.

She was even more terrifying in person, but Angela felt nothing.

Okay, so I have some doubts about this sentence. This story is being told from Angela's POV, yes? Even though it's written in third person, we're still seeing the story according to Angela. So if she says that this lady is terrifying in person, doesn't that mean she's terrified of her at that moment? I'm just wondering what her motive is to share this information if she isn't indeed terrified at the moment.

"Are you the one my father called ally?"

I'd suggest putting a dialogue tag before or after this piece of dialogue. I had to read a bit farther along in the conversation to realize who said this. Once you've established the two parties in this conversation, you can leave out a few dialogue tags. Once we see what's happening, we'll understand who's speaking and who's responding. But at the beginning of the conversation, we really have no idea.

standing up with one last glance at her father, the noble Mayor Eld Siegfried. Or as she knew him, Dad.

At the beginning of this part I pulled out, you mention Angela's father is the mayor. Then in the second sentence you reiterate that he's her father. You don't really need that. We already know that the mayor is her father. I assumed that she'd know him as Dad rather than Mayor Siegfried ;)

I really like this little backstory you add in there about Angela and her father. It's not much, but it's a nice touch. It really shows us their relationship. She's a girl off making deals to kill people and she stops to think about all the wonderful, fun times that she and her father had together. And we also see some sort of guilt coming out of her. She feels like she has failed her father; that's a big deal! I wonder how that'll effect their relationship. Or maybe it already has and we'll see it come into play later.

She's somewhat... Under the weather.

Just like with the semi-colon, you don't capitalize the first word after an ellipses. It's connecting two sentences and/or thoughts and making them one.

"What is your name?"

The woman brushed the hair from her face. "I am Mara.

I do believe that you already mentioned that the woman is Mara. Or at least, you've mentioned the name already. Here:
Angela realized that her father was staring in Mara's direction.

So, either Angela already knows Mara's name or this isn't written in third person omniscient like I thought it was.

Ugh, I LOVE the name Aurin!!! I have a thing for names. Names and titles, that's what fascinates me most upon first glance of a book. I just think names are so special for characters. And I'm tired of hearing the same names over and over again. I can definitely say that I've never seen the name Aurin in a story before.

So, about your names. They're great and I really like them, but you have three characters with names that start with the letter A. The thing about having characters with the same first letter is that it's easy for a reader to get confused and think Abaiss is Aurin and vice versa. And if Angela is ever with them too, it'll get even more confusing. I'm not saying that you should go changing their names, but really think about it. Maybe when you go back and edit when you finish, you can consider giving them different names. It'll just make it a bit easier for most readers :)

Aurin gripped the gun in his hands.

His ears started to ring, and his lip twitched.

The grandfather clock's pendulum ticked.

He stepped out of the doorframe, the gun's barrel tucked between his fingers. "Mara! Get out of the way!"

I feel all these paragraphs could be combined into a single paragraph. I'm a culprit of writing extremely short paragraphs because I think it adds dramatic effect, but I've realized over time that it just becomes choppy. It's okay to do it every so often, but as you continue to write, think about how you're forming your paragraphs. I actually do that now and it helps a lot. Write out your paragraphs and then read over them real quick and really focus on if they need to be that short or if you could combine them.

"ANGELA!"

You really don't need to capitalize all the letter here. With the exclamation point, it's obvious that's her name is being shouted. If you really want a big effect out of it though, you can always add a dialogue tag about how someone bellowed her name or she heard them yell at the top of their lungs.

Overall, this is a great chapter. I really enjoyed the action at the end. I'm a real sucker for good action in a novel. What fun is it to read something where nothing intense happens?? No fun at all. You write action very well too. I could see this whole fight going on and it was interesting to read. Keep it up!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Random avatar

Points: 346
Reviews: 5

Donate
Fri Oct 24, 2014 6:35 pm
lxvxjxpxtrxr wrote a review...



5 stars! I didn't notice the rating before I read this. Ha-Ha! But I loved it anyway. I notice that it said Chapter 5. I would love to read the chapters prior to this one. Even though I don't know the previous chapters, this one is very clear because despite the fact I've only read this chapter, I think I got a lot of information and can guess what's going on. Impeccably detailed, I feel like I'm watching a movie while reading this piece--which is a good thing :) keep up the great work and I can't wait to read the other chapters!

With love,
~j.rose





'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11