Prologue
I saw the flames as they licked the tops of the tallest trees, destroying not only the dry, autumn leaves, but the creatures that called the forest their home. I saw the wreckage on the highway, the crumpled heaps of five cars and an eighteen-wheeler truck.
My mother's body was being wheeled away from the scene on a stretcher by two paramedics, a thin sheet covering her from head to toe. Her bloodied arm dangled limply off the side, exposed; somehow, the charm bracelet she’d worn for as long as I could remember had survived, though she would not.
The orange blanket around my shoulders did nothing to quell the chill going through my body. It wasn’t just the shock of the crash. It wasn’t the throbbing pain in my shattered leg. It wasn’t the droning of the tactless police officer to my right as he asked me questions I couldn’t answer.
I’d seen this exact event before, in a dream. If only I could have done something to stop it from happening.
One
His name was Abraham. Abraham Smith, to be exact. Irony of all ironies, his house was full of (intact) graven images. Everything from smiling Buddhist figurines to little statues that looked vaguely like Hello Kitty took up space on shelves, tables, window sills, and armrests.
"I collect and sell these things, y’see," he explained awkwardly as I locked eyes with one leering pre-Columbian carving. "I don’t necessarily believe in them, in case you’re wondering."
I shrugged, which isn't easy when you're leaning on a cane. I'd had my share of odd foster families in the last few months. What could I say that wouldn't offend my newest guardian, who also happened to be my fourth cousin thrice removed?
My new bedroom was barely larger than a walk-in closet. Abraham held the door open for me as I limped inside. I'd hoped that once I graduated from crutches to a cane, people would stop finding me so piteous.
A statue of a grotesque, multi-armed monster that I thought existed only in the imagination of Steven Spielberg rested on the night table. I shivered instinctively.
Abraham waited in the doorway, looking a bit anxious. He fiddled with his scraggly, brown goatee. "I was, uh, running a little short on space. I can take that out for you, if you'd like."
I nodded quickly. "Please."
When he left the room with the idol tucked under his arm, I flopped down on my new bed and lay there for a few minutes, letting my shoulder-length blond hair spread freely under my head. It took five months for it to grow back to this length; they had to cut it after the–
No. I dared myself to not think about the past. Every memory hurt.
Abraham's small apartment was situated above a kosher bagel shop. The yeasty aroma of freshly baked bread wafted up through the narrow, rectangular window above my head. Worst comes to worst, I could subside on bagels and lox for the duration of my time here, however long that might be.
I counted the years until I turned eighteen on my fingers. One, two, three.
...P...
An elderly couple I don't recognize is walking down a mildly busy street. The woman is wearing a bracelet around her wrist; she fiddles anxiously with the assorted baubles hanging from the golden chain. Her purse is tucked under one arm.
The man swings his arms casually when he walks, as though he hasn't a care in the world, but the ashen look on his face suggests otherwise. There's something on his mind.
The woman turns to him and opens her mouth to speak. I don't hear the words.
My perspective changes to the pavement a few feet behind the couple. A boy in a ragged hoodie and tattered jeans races down the sidewalk, glancing furtively over his shoulder every few seconds. He's in a hurry; he isn't about to stop for some slow-moving old people.
He barges right into them and keeps running. There's now a small, white rectangular object sticking out of his back pocket, too.
It takes a moment, but the woman reaches into her own pocket and realizes something's missing. I can imagine the sound of her startled cry as she points in the boy's direction.
But it's too late. The thief is already lost to them. He's blended well into the density of the city.
The old lady's face turns as white as the plastic of her stolen wallet. She crumples to the ground, unconscious.
I became aware of the sweat pouring down my face as my eyes fluttered open. I must have fallen asleep again. How much time had passed while I dreamed? As for what I'd been dreaming about ... it was all a distant blur.
I'd arrived here in the early afternoon. Now, the small patch of blue sky I'd seen through my window was hued with orange and pink as the sun bid the day its last farewells.
There faint tapping on the door. "Julia?" Abraham called through the door. "Are you awake?"
I nodded, and then realized I hadn't actually spoken. "Yes. You can come in."
Abraham opened the door a crack but didn't come inside. "My parents are coming by in a few minutes to, um, say hello. Would you mind getting some bagels from downstairs while I straighten the place up?"
"Sure," I said, accepting a few dollar bills from him to pay for my order.
Twenty minutes later, I stepped out of Larry's Bagels with a paper bag of six garlic-onion bagels, a tub of cream cheese, and lox. As I walked around the side of the building to the back entrance where Abraham went into his apartment, I heard a woman's scream behind me.
Immediately, I turned to see what was going on. A boy in a threadbare sweatshirt and jeans was barreling down the sidewalk, heading straight for me, his worn-out sneakers hammering on the concrete. Suddenly, I realized – it was the boy from my dream!
Before my brain could process what the rest of me was doing, I held the cane out and latched its curved handle around the boy's ankle just as he passed by. He tripped and fell hard on the ground with an indignant yelp, taking me down with him.
The gravelly sidewalk grazed my elbows and knees, but that didn't stop me from picking up the stolen wallet.
I looked to the direction from which he'd come to see the elderly couple standing stock-still, watching me intently. The lady was leaning on her husband's arm, visibly shaken, but she wasn't about to pass out like she had in the dream.
Retrieving my cane, I picked myself up and hobbled over. There was no sense gawking at them.
"Here you go, ma'am," I said.
The old lady smiled gratefully as she took back her wallet.
"That was quick thinking on your part, young lady," her husband said. "If you hadn't stepped in, that thief would've made off with most of Roz's cash!"
I heard approaching footsteps from behind me. "There you are," Abraham said. He was holding the bagels, which looked a bit worse for wear. I must have dropped them during all the excitement. "What's taking you so long?"
When I looked back to the spot where the thief had lain so as to explain what had happened, he was gone. That kid must not have wanted to mess with a cane-wielding girl like me ever again.
"Abie," said the old lady gently, "is this Julia?"
"Abie" blushed at the mention of what I assumed was his childhood nickname. "Yes, Mom," he answered, the slightest hint of irritation in his voice. "It's her."
Immediately, Abraham's mother enfolded me in her arms, but it wasn't one of those stiff, awkward hugs. It was loving and familiar, as though we'd known each other for a long time. Up close, her cardigan smelled faintly of mothballs and lilacs; a pleasant, grandmotherly sort of smell.
"Julia," she said softly. "You're so grown up!"
She continued, "I'm ... awfully sorry Bill and I couldn't make it to the funeral."
I nodded grimly. The funeral had been a relatively small affair. They couldn't find a will and nobody trusted me to relate her final wishes, so my mother's stepfather insisted on having the body cremated. Only then did I have a say in what was done afterwards. Very few people showed up to watch me bury an urn of my mother's ashes: some coworkers, her rabbi, and a handful of strangers who were distantly related but couldn't even say how, like Abraham. But no immediate family.
Abraham cleared his throat self-consciously. "Mom, Dad, can we, uh, head inside now? People are starting to stare."
The bagels were deliciously crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside, but when Uncle Bill, as he insisted I call him, had trouble with his dentures and fixed himself an instant oatmeal instead, I wished I'd picked up a salad from Larry's as well.
Abraham seemed more than a little tense in the presence of his parents. I wasn't sure why. I had a good time with them, though. It seemed like "Abie" was their only child; I was sure they'd make awesome grandparents someday.
When it was time for the couple to leave, Abraham cleared the table and I walked them to the apartment door. Aunt Roz stopped me in the front doorway. As she held up her hand, her shiny bracelet dangled from her tiny wrist and her eyes twinkled like she had a secret to tell.
"I have something for you," she whispered. She opened her wallet and pulled out something small and shiny.
It was a thin, gilt chain just long enough to fit around my wrist. One small, white pearl hung from the chain, glinting mysteriously in the light..
"All the ladies in our family wear these," Roz explained, glancing absently at her own bracelet, which, as I'd seen in my dream, was generously adorned. "We fill them with the pendants that represent ourselves, the things we like and do, what makes us unique. And that, my dear, is entirely up to you."
I fastened the chain around my wrist and thanked her.
"No, thank you," she insisted, squeezing my arm gently, "for what you did today." With that, she ambled off into the night.
When I came back inside, Abraham was sitting at the kitchen table, watching funny pet videos that evoked an occasional childlike giggle from him. I slipped past him quietly; he didn't even notice I was there.
In my room, I started to unpack my few belongings from my small, denim knapsack. In the recent months, I'd been to enough places where looting the new girl's suitcase was in vogue that packing lightly had become second nature to me.
First out came my clothes: undergarments and socks, a few tops, one dress, pajamas, and a spare skirt. My wallet, which had contained my library card, learner's permit, and a lot of loose change, "disappeared" ages ago. Then came my tiny, refurbished cell phone that could have been the coolest model ever in 2005. It did its job, though, which was calling people; but there was hardly anyone to call.
Lastly, at the very bottom, was a small, inconspicuous wooden box. It contained my mother's charm bracelet, the one item of hers I was able to keep when all of her assets were liquidated. She'd worn it every day of her life ... until the day of she died.
All the ladies in our family wear these, Aunt Roz had said. We fill these with the pendants that represent ourselves ... what makes us unique.
On my mother's bracelet, I saw bits and pieces of her personality in the numerous pendants that hung from it. There was the tiny Star of David she'd started wearing after she decided to "get back in touch" with her heritage; a silver artist's palette and paintbrush; a book; a bouquet of lilies, like her name and the flowers she loved. And then there was that same type of pearl. What did it represent?
I slipped off my own bracelet and placed it inside the box beside hers. It was so bare by comparison.
We fill these with the pendants that represent ourselves.
It was time to find some pendants of my own.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Wow. That was incredible. I could seriously see that being made into a novel. The writing style sucked me in immediately and your characters seem so realistic. There is just enough mystery and the twist with her dream to make me very curious as to what is going to happen. And you did an incredible job with describing Julia without just plain telling us. The counting of fingers for her age and how her blond hair spread out on the pillow was ingenious. It was really smooth and very professional. Great job. I can't wait to see where this goes!
~Night
To an extent, this is quite "magnifique". When most stories grip you, its usually due to action or something "big". However, this story's grip-factor is truly quite subtle. What really helps is your eye for the little factors like the mother's charm bracelet surviving, and the eccentricity of Abraham's persona.
With this said, there are very few critical aspects to look at. I, for one, agree with ThereseCricket, with regards to the "I'd hoped that once I graduated from crutches to a cane, people would stop finding me so piteous." line. Nothing intricately suggests that Abraham pities her(although one can argue that, due to her experience of "odd foster families", this outlook could have become a viable personality trait. The only issue then would be that it doesn't really fit Julia's as you've written her, as it doesn't really feel that way. Not sure, could just be my own biased idea).
All in all, it is an exceptionally well written piece, which definitely has excited for a second chapter. Please let me know when or if you've posted the second chapter.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Since I can't remember the last time I've reviewed for you, I decided that after seeing this just posted I'd go on head and review it for you.
From what I can see this was placed in the right category. Supernatural and mystery seem right. I kept getting the feeling though that throughout the entire prologue and first chapter, that you were holding back some valuable piece of information. Maybe that was just me, but I kept getting that impression.
One thing that does concern me though, is that there's an actual prologue. I for one, am mainly against prologues. Think they should be done away with for good. But that is just my personal opinion so I won't let it get in the way of this.
What I'm really wondering is this: How many years were spanned between the prologue and the first chapter? Typically that makes a difference, if it's going to be a novel chapter or a prologue. Usually the prologue has something that happened a while back, before the first chapter, so make sure you keep that in mind for this. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prologue) This link might be handy for the future.
This here has a bit of redundancy. They aren't saying the same thing, and are being used in different circumstances, but you are still using the same word twice over. In cases such as these, synonym's are ideal.
Hmm, I'm not sure I like the parentheses here. How about add on to this sentence somehow with another element that's separated by a comma, that describes this? I donna know. Just an idea. xD
This is merely a matter of opinion now. But I kinda felt that this was a wee bit awkward. Instead of thrice how about three times? I know it doesn't sound exactly complicated or poetic, but I felt that it ran smoother when I put it that way in my head.
What exactly did Abraham do that made her think that he pitied her? Cause opening the door for her, isn't really that much. If that's what made her think that he did pity her... then something's not quite right. Men open the door for women most the time, just as a sign of respect towards our sex. So yeah... I really didn't understand why she thought he pitied her. Maybe do some facial expression or something like that?
Gee, how old is this guy?
Hmm, OK. Sorry for this short review, but this work is pretty flawless in my opinion. I'm just curious about this prologue, and also the general storyline. The last line of this was rather final and I'm curious to see how she's going to get her pendants. Seems almost like it's part of their culture, these pendants really.
I'm guessing though, that this girl is fifteen or so? You mention a learners permit, and Im guessing this is set in America? Let me know on that. I know this is only the prologue and first chapter, so I'm not exactly expecting to find all the answers right now. Let me know when you post next!
Spoiler
Thanks so much for your feedback!
I like your suggestions and I'll keep them in mind when I make edits. I see your point about "piteous". There's a lot of little words and phrases I'll either be expanding upon or deleting entirely in the long run. 
And Abraham ... I'm not sure how old he is, but I'd say he's in his mid-thirties. And he's definitely eccentric and perhaps a bit unconcerned with maintaining his appearance. But Julia's had her share of weird folks


Finally, with regards to ages, yeah, Julia (the MC) is fifteen and American.
I'm not quite sure what direction I'm taking the pendants yet, but I have a few ideas....
Thanks so much again for reading and reviewing! I think your feedback was very thorough.
Oh, and the prologue takes place a few months before Chapter One. I'll check out the link so I have a better understanding of how prologues are supposed to work.
Hi!
I think the biggest problem I have with this is that the causality is a little hard to track. That’s kind of an important thing to be very clear and very specific about in a story with premonition as an underlying theme! You don’t have to give precise dates, obviously, but throwing in a time signpost here and there wouldn’t go amiss.
Other than that, I really like this! You’ve got some really evocative imagery going on, especially in the prologue! Little details like Mom’s charm bracelet surviving really help sell the reality of what’s going on.
I also adore Abraham’s introduction. Not only is it funny, it gives us a nice glimpse of his personality as well as the narrator’s—I’m guessing she’s a pretty dedicated Christian, if she’s referring to his collection as “graven images.” It’s a nice subtle touch.
Minor quibble, but it’s not actually difficult to shrug while leaning on a cane. You can’t lift the shoulder of the arm that’s holding the cane very much or at all, depending on how hard you’re leaning, but that doesn’t effect the mobility of your other shoulder. Julia could definitely half-shrug with ease.
“I counted the years until I turned eighteen on my fingers. One, two, three.”
Something about this sentence is just… really haunting and quietly sinister. I really, really like it.
I think you move a little too fast from the prescient dream to the actual event; precognition tends to have a lot more weight when it takes longer to get to the event itself. I’d advise waiting at least 1-2 chapters before the payoff—that way, you have more room for doubt and confusion and fear on Julia’s part. And that makes for a more compelling story!
I’m digging the idea of people finding pendants that represent themselves and stuff, but, again, I think it’d be more effective coming later in the story. You could still incorporate it into chapter one by having Julia hold her mom’s bracelet and think about its history, but that doesn’t—and I’d go so far as to say it shouldn’t—translate into her immediately going out to make one of her own.
Overall, I think this is really great! The timeline is a wee bit confused and I think it'd benefit from slower pacing, but other than that, it's a very promising beginning.
perfect! my favorite writings and books always come with that sense of warmth...it's hard to describe, but it's the type of writing that you want to read when curled up by a fire, or alone in your room, the kind that just gives you a fuzzy feeling. That's what this gave me. Perfect blend of description, long and short sentences, easily-read paragraphs, catchy dialogue, setting, concept, intrigue, everything. It feels personal, like it was written just for my liking, and that's something special. The only thing I might suggest is making the scene with the thief a little longer and more interesting, but it's all up to you. I completely understand if it's not a main-focus scene in the context of the whole piece.
You have a true gift and you utilize it well; never stop practicing on sites like these. I really look forward to reading more from you.
I'll start by saying wow. This is one of the best written pieces I've come across on here, and that's saying a lot. I can't say everything from the pacing, to the foreshadowing, to the imagery presented, is perfect. But I'd say its damn near so.
The writing is certainly mature and well-thought out, with regards to show and tell and other such factors. You let the details trickle in, rather than be dumped from a bucket, and your story is all the better for it. The section with the prescience is pretty neat; I thought it might just be a throwaway but you proceeded to explain it concisely, and most importantly, excitingly. When your MC comes out of Larry's with the bagels and the thief is running towards her, I said "Oh snap," out loud.
So there you go. I didn't really have a whole lot to nitpick, though I hope you go further with this so it doesn't peter out! I look forward to reading more entries.
Thanks so much for your review! I'm so glad your reading experience was so positive and interactive.