The Final Send Off

by PCA123

Published September 29, 2014

12+ Violence

In The Final Send Off

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The Final Send Off

I walked out of my humble abode into the warm embrace of spring. My kimono was slightly being pulled by the wind, while my sandals (zori) were a little uncomfortable. I could feel the sword at my hip in its sheath. The cherry blossoms were swirling in the wind, making everything else pale in comparison. There color and delicate features reminded me of the innocence of a child. The warm breeze was a welcome feeling as I walked towards the training grounds. I promenaded casually enjoying the seasonal changes.

I reached the training ground and saw someone I wished wasn't there, my forty year old father. There were wooden swords in a container and a variety of dummies. There was a wide expanse of space in the middle for sparing and it was him and a young man. He hadn't noticed me yet so I just watched from afar. My father's sword swung downwards, cutting through the air with strength and precision. The other man who he was sparring with parried his swing and gracefully slashed forwards. My father directed the blow another direction and it missed.

The two men locked eyes and had a silent conversation. They both retreated a step and went full out. There blades where so fast they were blurs, and I had a hard time seeing them. Neither of them were giving an inch and neither of them were landing blows. I was impressed, my father was one of the best known samurai (bushi) in the country. For the other man to be able to hold his own he must be quite skilled. It was impressive, but I had to leave before they noticed I was here. I slowly turned around and started walking away.

"Ayako, come back here," my father's voice stern voice said. I slowly turned around and saw the two men standing next to each other. I walked back to them and saw the face of the man he fought. He was the one of the most distinguished young general of an armed force in Feudal Japan. He had dark black hair, high cheek bones, and short hair. He flashed a quick smile towards me and turned back to a serious expression.

"Yes, Father?" I asked respectfully.

"Say hello to Takeshi Hashira," he commanded.

"Hello Sir Hashira," I told him politely.

"Hello Ayako, your name doesn't do your beauty justice," he told me. I forced a smile to my face and held my tongue.

"Takeshi is looking for a wife and he's thinking about you. He's heard that you dabble in weaponry and he wants to see how well you do," my father told me.

"I promise I'll go easy on fair maiden," he told me. That infuriated me more than either of them knew. They both probably thought I was going to be a joke, and he would beat me easily. They thought it would be one sided. I went over to the container, grabbed a sword and walked into the far left of the sparring ground. Takeshi walked toward the far right with a sword in his hand.

"I won't attack at first and I'll just see if you can even touch me," he smirked. That lit the fire in my heart even brighter. We bowed and moved forward he stood in a defensive position, waiting for me to strike. I looked him in the eyes and made a quick smile. I made a quick slash towards his head, and he quickly blocked it. The look in his eyes was of surprise, and he probably didn't think i would be this fast. I then sweep kicked his legs and he started to fall.

"I win," I told him as I sneered. He then caught himself before he could fall and made an upward slashing motion. I quickly crouched, and out of the slashes range I thrusted upwards with the handle of my sword. He recovered before the blow landed and he leaped out of the way. He retreated a few steps and said, "I'm impressed, you're not half bad. You almost had me there," he told me. I quickly smirked and then focused my senses. I could tell this would be a fight that would be almost impossible to win. I slowed down my perceptive of time and speed, focused my eye sight, and paid more attention to my hearing, and feeling. Takeshi quickly stepped forward and thrusted his sword. I watched it's path and felt the slight disturbance in wind and I directed the wooden sword with mine. We never stopped moving, attacking, and defending. Neither of us were getting anywhere. I was started to get tired so I needed to finish this fight fast. I started throwing in kicks and using my other body parts so I could use my whole body as a weapon. I started kicking at his legs and stomach and retracting my leg when he would swing his sword. From my perspective it looked like fighting, but my father probably thought it looked like dancing. This raged on for what feels like forever, but was probably two minutes. Then, I finally got my chance. He had swung to hard on an over head swing, and I had side stepped it. I lifted my leg and kicked towards his shoulder and win the sparring match. That's when I saw the gleam in his eyes and it was too late. He dodged and I started to withdraw my foot. I swung my sword towards his head and he thrusted his swords towards my stomach. Both of these hits weren't meant to harm, but we both knew what they meant in a real battle. I would have been stabbed through the stomach and died, and his brain would be cut through. Both hits landed and we both lost the sparring match. We both withdrew our swords and took a moment to breathe. I could feel the sweat pouring down my face and I felt very dirty. I looked at Takeshi and saw he was equally as sweaty and tired as I was.

"You...did...alright. I'm slightly impressed," Takeshi informed me while taking breaths.

"I'm glad one of us feels that way," I said as I breathed in and out.

"You both did magnificent!" a my father beamed with delight. He was clapping as he came over to us. He pat us both on the back and smiled.

"Now both of you, go take baths and we will meet back at my abode. We have much to discuss," my father said as he corralled me towards the path to our house.

"I'll see you later Ayako," Takeshi said. I looked back and saw his smile.

"I'll be looking forward to it," I told him as I bit back a sly remark. I walked back down the path back to our abode with my father. We walked slowly admiring the cherry blossoms as they fell. We reached our home and went inside. I went to the room we held our shallow wooden bathtub in.

"Ayako, just go to the river. It will take too long to heat up the water and you don't want to keep Takeshi waiting,"my father informed me. Too bad he would be waiting for a very long time. I took our soap made of animal fat, clothes, and something to dry off with to the river. I was thinking about the man I fought with the whole way there, and throughout the bath. I thought about the way he looked, they way he he talked, and the way he held himself. He was a great warrior, but I didn't love him at all; all I felt was angry with how he thought I was too delicate to be taken seriously. My true love was cast down upon and was a mere peasant. I loved him unconditionally, but no one would appreciate our relationship. I always went to him when I was down, or happy, or when I needed any emotional support. He loved me but I knew it was forbidden. I washed quickly, dried my body, and put on my clothes. I had wanted to wait to run away with my love, Arika. He was thin and haughty looking for him is meager food supplies but he was all around amazing. He had his flaws and his quirks, like being stubborn and not knowing when to back down, but I loved him anyway.

I decided now would be the best chance to run away with him. If I waited to long I would be married and I wouldn't have a chance at escaping. I walked quickly towards the village, towards a small farm. The straw was worn and looked like it was very old. The house looked decrepit. I walked to the house and saw a man working the fields. He had unnaturally wavy hair and he looked haggard. I walked up to the man and tapped him in the shoulder

"Arika, we need to leave," I said urgently. The man turned around and looked me in the eyes.

"Why must we leave?" He asked me.

"My family is making me marry a famous general, and we need to leave," I urgently told him.

"But, you will be better off here," the man told her.

"Without you, my life is meaningless," I whispered in his ear. He thought over those words for what felt like forever.

"Fine, but let me go get something's for travel," he said as he went inside. After a little while he came back out holding something's and then he got two horses. He saddled the horses, put the supplies on them, and then we got on. I assumed that my father and Takeshi still thought I was bathing. We road along the main roads, avoiding th way towards the rich part of the town. We were almost out of the village when we were stopped on the road. There, before my eyes, was my worst nightmare. My dad, Takeshi, and several men on horses were blocking the road.

"Halt! Release my bride and face my punishment," Takeshi bellowed as the man charged forward. I drew my sword and was ready to fight to the death.

"Escape I'll hold them off," I whispered to Arika.

"No, I can't run from this. If I die it will be for you," he whispered back. He took two knives and readied them, Then men charging forward split up. Seven men charged towards me, while Takeshi charged towards Arika. The seven men surround me, and I saw they had no intent to kill. I began hacking and slashing but was quickly pushed off my horse and fell to the ground. These were obviously all highly trained samurai, probably friends of my father. I started to get back up but my father and his friends held me down. They the moved me in a position so I could see the battle between Arika and Takeshi. Both men were off there horses and there was wounds on both of them. There were a few small cuts on Takeshi and large wounds on Arika. Arika dove forward recklessly, and missed. This gave Takeshi an opening and he then ended the battle.

"No!" I screamed.

Comments & reviews · 2
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ExOmelas
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ExOmelas wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2014

'There was a wide expanse of space in the middle for sparing' - 'sparing' should be 'sparring'.

'There blades where so fast they were blurs' - 'There' should be 'Their'.

'For the other man to be able to hold his own he must be quite skilled.' - more than 'quite' I'd have thought. ;)

'my father's voice stern voice said' - you have said 'voice' twice here.

'"I won't attack at first and I'll just see if you can even touch me,"' - I think this would work better as 'Don't worry, I won't attack first. Let's just see if you can even touch me,". This is meant to be cheeky so I think he should have some more snarky comments in there.

'We bowed and moved forward he stood in a defensive position, waiting for me to strike.' - a new sentence should start at 'he'.

'and out of the slashes range' - 'slashes' should be 'slash's'.

'He retreated a few steps and said, "I'm impressed, you're not half bad. You almost had me there," he told me.' - speech should have its own paragraph and also, you have put 'said' before the speech and 'he told me' afterwards. You only need one of these and I think having two may actually be grammatically incorrect.

'I watched it's path' - 'it's' should be 'its'.

'This raged on for what feels like forever' - 'feels' should be 'felt'.

'He had swung to hard on an over head swing' - 'to' should be 'too'.

'kicked towards his shoulder and win the sparring match' - 'win' should be 'won'.

'he thrusted his swords towards my stomach' - 'thrusted' should be 'thrust'.

'He pat us both on the back and smiled.' - 'pat' should be 'patted'.

'we will meet back at my abode' - 'abode' sounds a bit forced in this context, as if you only put it there to show you knew what it meant.

'I walked back down the path back to our abode with my father.' - take out one of the 'back's here. Individually they make sense but it sounds repetitive to have it there twice.

'waiting,"my father informed me' - you forgot the space after the speech marks.

'My true love was cast down upon and was a mere peasant.' - This was a bit of a shock. And since it's not treated as a dramatic announcement, the reader begins to feel somewhat disconnected. Either have him mentioned earlier or have this as a big, dramatic revelation to the reader.

'If I waited to long I would be married' - 'to' should be 'too'.

'"Why must we leave?" He asked me.' - 'He' should be 'he'.

'the man told her.' - 'her' should be 'I' and it sounds impersonal to say 'the man' rather than 'Arika'.

'let me go get something's for travel' - 'something's' should be 'some things'.

'"Escape I'll hold them off,"' - 'Escape' and 'I'll hold them off' should be two separate sentences.

'They the moved me in a position' - 'the' should be 'then'.

'there was wounds on both of them' - 'was' should be 'were' ... unless you're Alex Turner ;)

I don't think the last sentence is at all necessary. The previous sentence was definitely dramatic enough.

Right, plot stuff. This is a fairly straight-forward plot. Don't get me wrong, this is usually conducive to a well-executed story. However, there is the danger of getting caught in clichés. I like that you have Takeshi and Ayako fighting. I think that is very original. The problem arises with the fact that when she decides to run away it's as if she's deciding this because this is the way normal stories go. I don't know if you'll understand what I mean but I think she should be considering this from the start so that this is the point where it all culminates and she realises that she will have to leave.

Your characterisation is great, especially of Takeshi. You could maybe do with a touch more about her father. There wasn't much to tell me whether he was a fair father or not, especially under the cultural circumstances.

Your pace was great and when you fix the errors your flow will be awesome too.

Well done! :)

PCA123 replied · Sep 29, 2014

Thank you, for the critics and the direction advice. I appreciate it and it helps me become a writer. I will start working on the aspects of putting more meaning behind my surprises. This is my first story and I greatly appreciate your advice.

I definitely couldn't tell it was your first story! Well done and I hope you continue to write :-)

shaylinmrmjm22 wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2014

Quite the story Parker :) I love your writing skills. You should probably still work on that emotionless dialog :P You need to make them sound like they are feeling things, so the reader can feel the emotions with them. Without proper guidance they can't do that can they? Did you know they don't count your review unless its at least 3-4 full sentences long? Thought you could use that information :) Anyway see you around ;) Keep writing!! Love ya
-Shaylin



As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro