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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

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by Rosendorn


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

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Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:51 pm
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Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day for my favorite Lima Bean!

Time to start blabbing about the characters again right about...now.

My father was behind his desk pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re telling me that the little skirmish you had last night reveals one of the worst wars we’ve had in years?”

I rubbed my bandaged shoulder, trying to cool the still burning skin with some compassion for myself. Energy flowed out of my hand and into the wound, stitching skin together and easing the pain. “Unfortunately…”

“And, of course, you’ve already volunteered to help."


I'm unsure if the energy flowing out of Kerani's hand is literal or metaphorical. Seems as if that is able to go either way, which is why I'm asking. The first sentence of the second paragraph is a little weird? Not sure how other people might feel on that.

Not sure if this'll change--I like Kerani's father so far. He's a little annoyed by her and the details that she reports, but generally he seems well-meaning? We'll see.

I left the room and, to distract myself, tried thinking of what in Janani’s name could be that strong. Fahir was unlikely, unless after a few centuries of war they’d invented a new tool that could circumvent Shira power in ancestral land recently folded back into the Shira family by marriage, instead of simply muddying our boarders. That was something the scholars along the bay would invent, not the horse and hunting obsessed province that was our closest neighbour.

Which meant the scholars could be involved. The kalisi fields had been far enough away from there, a few days’ ride and buffered by a border that had actually remained fairly strong, to the point someone in the family would’ve felt the invasion. Of course, that was under normal circumstances, and these were far from normal.


Might be me--I don't know who Janani is? At least, I'm saying that I probably forgot. I get the majority of the base information that's needed for the story but the details tend to scatter in whether or not I remember them. Remembering a world especially isn't my style, so forgive me if I'm misinformed about anything. That being said, there are mages in this world! I'm slowly picking up on that this is more fantastical than I originally assumed. I thought this might be a pure fantasy where the fantasy is in the nature and not in the hands of the characters.

Of course, I don't expect to see Kerani becoming a mage any time soon. Not like her character (at least, that's what I think from what's happened so far). The emotions and pressures that Kerani feels hit quite hard. We haven't seen her show stress or any heavy emotion before. Not like this anyway. I love her siblings and I love their support for her in this chapter. This scene is just--ugh. A little out of nowhere--not how I expected Kerani to react to all of this--and so strong at the same time.

The main part of this chapter that I am confused by (this chapter is pretty solid in direction) is actually Kerani's character herself. This is...a little out of the blue? I thought she'd be one to be a bit more 'stable' and harder to get to cry--not that crying is bad. Just. There's a shift between what her character is like and maybe this is because we're getting to know all the different sides of her. When she's with her friends or around her father and even when she's being intimate with another. What's weird is after this scene she's still like the raddest and strong female main character we knew before--just a different side of that character.

Lovely chapter, Rosey. I'm still having trouble understanding the world and the whole family ties and Rats (the start of this chapter could've been expanded on) but other that conversation with her father, this is solid as always. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Sun Mar 13, 2016 4:15 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



It's me again :P

So let's jump straight into things, shall we? The scene with Kerani's siblings was really sweet, and overall you wrote it very well. You struck the balance between showing emotion without making her seem melodramatic perfectly, and it was nice seeing a more uncertain side to Kerani. Up until now she's been somewhat of a typical bad-ass girl protagonist, so showcasing her more emotional side gets a massive thumbs up from me. While I love kick-ass female characters, it annoys me when that's all they are, and any sign of emotion is seen as weakness. Emotion is strength, goddamnit.

Spoiler! :
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As always, the technical side of your writing is great, and I didn't spot any nit-picks whatsoever. I'm not a grammatical expert by any stretch, but I think it's fair to say you've nothing to worry about here in regards to that stuff. Another wonderful chapter, really!

Something I feel is getting glossed over a lot is the whole husband situation. Whenever it's mentioned, it's brought up quite briefly and forgotten about just as briefly. I realise the political issues are going to be very distracting for Karina, and everyone around her, but marrying is a big deal. I'm not sure if it's normal to marry at sixteen in this world, but even if it is, it's a lot for someone so young to deal with. At the current state of things, I can't really be sure how Karina feels about it, and I'm not even too sure whether she likes the idea or not. I'm going to say not so much, considering her age and the fact she doesn't seem like someone who'd be eager to settle down and start popping out kids. Nonetheless, I'd like to maybe see a bit more of how she feels about it all.

I was quite surprised when we found out Karina was only sixteen. This is more of an observation than a critique, I mean, it's not a bad thing that I thought this. It just shows that she's mature for her age, which isn't surprising considering the world she lives in and the whole having to get married scenario. Another reason is because thus far, she's seemed very selfless. I'm not saying that all 16-year-olds are selfish little swines, but that's definitely around the age people prioritise themselves, methinks. As such, a sort of, maybe, kind of, somewhat critique could spurt from that. I'd like to see more of Karina's selfish side, considering her age, even just something small like her not wanting to get married.

At the moment, I do also feel a little clueless about the politics of this world. You've given some explanation, but I feel like we could do with a bit more. You're throwing out names of people and places, and it can be a challenge to remember them all, and what role they play. I'm not going to go to town with you on this one because the politics are only now really coming into play, and you not revealing every single detail all at once is more than okay. So long as it's explained in more detail in future parts, you're good.

Finally, Suraj! I probably should've brought this up alongside the marriage critique, but Skins is so very unorganised. I don't really know him. I keep hearing his name, but there's no face or personality to associate it with. As it looks like he'll be Kerani's future hubby, I feel like this is quite important. Even if they don't end up marrying, I still think we could do with knowing him better.
You've talked about him a little bit, so I have a vague idea of who he is, but I'd like a little more. Don't give me his life story, of course, but try to make him seem like a real person as opposed to this unseen entity.

All my whining aside, I'm still so impressed with what you've got going here. Your writing reads so smoothly, and you're setting up a very interesting plot here. We're not even at the second chapter yet, and I feel like I know Kerani so well. It's all very intriguing, that's for sure! If you ever decide to publish this, I demand you send me a signed copy ok? You know, so I can fangirl over it until I'm a crippling mess on the dirty ground. Take the following example:

Spoiler! :
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Keep up the awesome work, and as always, keep writing!

xoxo Skins




Rosendorn says...


I'm amused because all of those critiques are because for this draft I went for the polar opposite end of the spectrum from my previous draft%u2014 I went from describing everything to describing nothing and just throwing people in it, which is leading to much confusion xD

I'm turning over tweaks in my head I can do to make this all a little clearer, namely the politics.

Tbh this is the first time in the 30 revisions that I've even had the marriage be a whole major plot point or had the politics stay within one region for so long so it's. A little sparse even in my own head. It's a problem.



Sins says...


Oh god, I'm just complicating things, aren't I? Oops. Striking the balance is beyond difficult, which is honestly why I'm too chicken to even attempt anything fantasy-esque myself. I do think you only need a little more detail, though. In reality it's not a massive issue, I'm doing fine with the info we have now, just would like that built up a tiny bit more. Bear in mind that I'm also a worryingly confusable person, so 75% of it is probably just me :P



Rosendorn says...


No you're like the 4th person to tell me this :P I just took a ridiculously long break (like... 10 months) so I haven't implemented the changes yet



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Sun Dec 28, 2014 7:42 pm
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hello, darling!

I think my largest issue with this part still falls in the pot of narration. While it's definitely not as noticeable as it was last time, you still have some of that feeling of talking heads in the first conversation with Kerani's father, but that's not what's catching me right now. Right now, I think, my issue is falling somewhere between the sparse description that comes from your style of writing, and the longer paragraphs near the middle before the anxiety attack that are reasonable reminiscence, but come in something of a purely-informative form.

I wouldn't have as much of a problem with it, I don't think -- Kerani is trained to focus on the informative kind of thing -- if it weren't for the fact that we still don't have a great sense of how big exactly the world is here.

You start talking about places and give us a basis for them -- horses for Fahir, scholars for the bay -- but we don't have sizes or distances of anything, really, so we have no basis to compare that to. So while we get a little bit of the sense that this is big, because otherwise we wouldn't be talking about two other provinces, we probably aren't getting the sense that you want us to have.

The readers aren't working off of a map right now. The only map we have is the narration, and while we know that provinces are fairly large by default, and we know that there's a risk to the family's aphima fields, we don't really have a comparison right now for the risk.

Just one nitpicky sentence because it caught my eye.

Fahir was unlikely, unless after a few centuries of war they’d invented a new tool that could circumvent Shira power in ancestral land recently folded back into the Shira family by marriage, instead of simply muddying our boarders.
This sentence is long and fairly confusing. I had to look at it three times to realize what you meant by it, and even knowing what you mean by it, it's hard to understand. Also, typo here where it should be "borders", unless their tenants are being thrown in puddles.




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Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:41 am
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windrattlestheblinds wrote a review...



Okay so I really like how this starts; it’s funny in a dry, of-course-this-would-happen-to-her sort of way, but also does a v good job of upping the stakes because hello, terrible threat of war.

Also, obligatory gushing about how I love the magic system you’ve created and I love how it’s described and EMPATHY MAGIC, YES. GOOD. You do a really nice job of keeping it as understated as it would logically be in a world built on magical foundations without completely excluding the reader from your world/preventing them from understanding, and on top of that it’s pretty.

I think the politics surrounding Kerani’s choosing a husband are still maybe a little too murky in the text itself? Mainly because I still have no idea who Suraj *is*, other than that he appears unlikely to make babies with anyone. So I can identify the name, and know who’s being talked about, but it’s also this sort of… abstract idea of a person, somewhere, rather than feeling like they’re referring to an actual character, which makes everything feel a little muddy even with background knowledge from talking to you about stuff.

On the other hand! I’m really digging this dichotomy you’ve got going on between Kerani and her father; he seems more involved on a broad scale, without much consideration for the individuals effected, whereas she is, well, on the streets and actually *doing* stuff on an individual/small scale basis. Which seems to fit with both of their personalities thus far, and also promises lots of conflict in the future.

I want to know mooooooore about geography and political jockeying and stuff. Right now I’m at the point where I’m totally willing to be patient and collect morsels, but that’s with the expectation that answers will be offered soonish. So. Slowly but steadily approaching frustration thresholds, I guess?

Siblings! I love them! It’s always really nice to see super supportive sibling relationships and these three are just. Ughgh communicating in the ways that are comfortable for them and knowing how to help each other and I’m really very pleased with this whole passage.

Yeah.

If this is the end of the whole chapter and not just this section (?) I think you picked a really good way and place to stop; it felt really natural to me and has forward motion without being cliff hanger-y, which I like.

Let me know when there’s more!




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Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:37 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



'He sighed, rubbing his forehead, now.' - I don't understand the purpose of the comma here.

'I let them both deeper into my consciousness, feeling my emotions settle enough tears could finally work their way out.' - I think this comma should be a semi-colon.

Okay, plot stuff.

I haven't read the other chapters so bear with me. It was surprisingly easy to understand what was going on. Your pace at the beginning was spot on. Towards the end, it became a little like a manual for how to calm down Cat. Not every single action needs to be described. For one thing, I get the feeling this isn't going to be an isolated incident so you may well have an opportunity in the future to add extra details.

Your characterisation and plot are incredible. I am in awe. I understand all three siblings tremendously well for the short space of time that I've known them. You don't describe setting that much but I have a place in my head and for all I know it's my own fault for not reading the previous chapters. ;)

Well done!






Nope, you wouldn't have gotten any more scenery description had you read previous parts; this actually is a totally different setting for what the previous scenes are. All characters introduced here are introduced for the first time, so I'm glad everything made sense.

The manual feeling is an artifact of first person narration and is intentional; Kerani's self talking her way through the meltdown, therefore she's telling herself what to focus on and what to do to calm herself down. I took this mental narration from myself and many friends who've had panic attacks/meltdowns like this, and how I/they get out of it. Unless you mean the sentence structure?

Glad you enjoyed it, overall!



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Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:23 am
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babymagic18 wrote a review...



Okay, won't lie I am impressed with this. Your wording followed very well. I wasn't distracted by any of it or confused. You stayed to the flow of the story. The main character seems a strong female and I always enjoy reading a story with a strong female lead. I wouldn't exactly call myself a feminist but when I read a story with a female that's got brains and strength I'm never bored. I enjoyed that she has good people around her supporing her and giving her a shoulder to cry on when she needs it.
I must ask since I haven't read this story from the beginning. Is cat as passionate about keeping her family's land as her father is? From the little I gathered from not having read from the beginning her father has notions of getting her wed and with children and she doesn't seem to want that. Or is it just she doesn't want those things at this time?
I also like that you incorporated magic into the story so fluently and it wasn't jagged descriptions here and there, it was impressive. I seem to be using this word a bit with you-don't I? I've tried to write stories like this one and have failed miserably so I won't lie I'm excited to come across another writer that has the ability to do it so well. I wish you well in all your future endevors and I'll be sure to read this story from the beginning because it is so well written. I'll have to take noted for my next attempt at this type of writing. Kepp up the great work!






Aww, thank you! <3 One thing to keep in mind is I've been working on this novel for eight years, so when it comes to the smoothness of it, I have lots and lots of practice, haha

Cat doesn't really want to get married but she's doing it because some control in negotiation of something pretty much mandatory is better than no control. I'm going to explain this at one point or another, but I'm not quite sure when because I'm going to be doing a maaajor overhaul of the first two parts that'll explain it better, but I'm also probably going to elaborate on it later.

Glad you liked it!




I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye