Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this appears to be quite an interesting story here. Its definitely presenting quite a developed metaphor here for things and sort of painting a picture of what it can do to a person which is very useful to see.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Mom and dad were fighting again. That’s the third time today. I can tell it’s the last one of the night by the way mom is slurring her words and dad is getting quieter and quieter. My little brother hides in the corner of his room, where I find myself wrapped around him trying, with all my might, to shield him from the conflict. They were fighting about my older brother again; he’s been so out of control lately. See, my family is complicated. But it’s a different kind of complicated than you’re probably thinking. I can’t tell you their names. Not yet, anyway. Maybe along the way you can make up your own names for them, but for now you will just have to hear the story without knowing who these people are. Maybe to you they are the same people, or someone entirely different.

My mother is pretty important to our family. She is the only one aloud out of the house because she is the only one that the neighbors want to see. She doesn’t cry, and she’s really good at smiling. Life is toughest for her though, because she’s never allowed to rest at home since all that happens inside that house is the constant war. She’s beautiful, and the way she carries such happiness is overwhelming to me sometimes. How is she so happy? Truth is she’s not, because at the end of the day she has to come back to us, she has to be torn apart again. And for what? She will have to put on the same smile before she leaves the house again and again and again. I’m always afraid that she is fading into my dad a bit too much, and day by day she won’t be as happy anymore. Until finally, when she leaves the house, people will be able to see what we have done to her. And they will try to help. She will want their help, but the funny thing is that the rest of us won’t let her get any. If she were to get help, they would try to kill my father and my brother, who don’t want to die. Of course, no one wants to die, but some people are willing to give up their lives for specific reasons.

My father is a well hidden person. He’s very reserved. In fact, some of my neighbors don’t know he lives here. Same scenario with my older brother, except he leaves more of a mark on this house than any of us. He is always tearing it apart and making it look like a disaster. He uses anything he can to cause that house damage. Why? It’s because my father ticks him off, and he is completely fine with it. In fact I think it makes him feel better when my brother tears the house apart. I really don’t know for sure though; my dad is really hard to understand.

My younger brother is way different. He always wants to do the right thing, and he is deathly afraid of my dad and my older brother. He is always asking when mommy is coming home. He is so helpless; I try to take care of him the best that I can but there isn’t much I can do. He is sick. He is sick because my dad made him that way. I don’t know how or why, but it’s his fault. My younger brother can’t speak as loud as he used to, and he can’t do things on his own anymore. He’s fading away slowly but noticeably.

And me? Well I’m just me. I live here; I don’t even think I play a role in this house. All I do is watch the things around me happen, and I can’t control it. I can’t make decisions in this house anymore because my dad will always shoot me down. He and my mom make them now. Sometimes my little brother will chime in when he can, but his opinion doesn’t matter as much as it used to.

Do you get the big picture yet? I hope so. Well I suppose you have a right to know these characters names. My mother’s name is Impression. My father’s name is Depression. My younger brother’s name is Emotion. And my older brother’s name is Addiction. And my name?

I am Corruption.

Hello there! I am soooo bad with grammar so I cant say anything on that topic lol. I just usually review on the stories themselves and what I would add or change and how catchy it is. Just basic stuff like that.

I will say I like how detailed you were. You took time to describe each family member. After reading the ending, I then see why it was so important be very detailed with each one. I like it when writers are detailed. It helps visualize and connect to the story, so thank you for that

I don't have anything I would change, I just thought this was a very unique idea. I was not expecting the ending at all, but I loved it lol.

Good Job and keep up the work!

Shaylin,

Your work always seems to have a great spin on it. Instead of looking at them as individuals that are overly complicated, you categorized them by their most noticeable trait. Overall, the writing was great and it was a very engaging read. There were a few incorrect usages of words, but those are minor mistakes. I can imagine the setting of the piece in my head, and it makes me feel the intended emotions. For that, I commend you and say good job.

'Mom and dad were fighting again. That’s the third time today.' - this is a direct tense contradiction. 'were' should be 'are'.

'She is the only one aloud out of the house' - 'aloud' should be 'allowed'.

'you have a right to know these characters names' - 'characters' should be 'character's'.

Right, plot stuff.

This is a very abstract piece of writing (obviously) and one thing that I think helps abstract writing a lot is structure. Perhaps you could have a separate short story about each member of the family and then sum it up with this. It's just that the theme seems kind of unfinished. I feel like you could get so much more out of this. There is so much opportunity for symbolism. eg You could have Depression and Addiction ganging up on Impression and physically dragging it down to the basement (maybe it keeps its drink there) and that would symbolise being dragged down by these things.

Also, you could maybe get some symbolism out of setting as well, but I don't have an example to mind of that.

I admire your theme however and I think you deal with sensitive issues with beautiful language and a haunting narrative.

Well done

Hey Shay!

You have a very interesting story going on here and I really can't wait to read more about this. It is very well written although you have a couple misused words. I believe Jazzy has pointed out those already. I love the suspension that you played out in this work. When you got to the end, I was really impressed with your style of writing and I liked the names for the family. It brings up a bunch of questions. Why did you give those characters those names specifically? I really can't wait to see if you add more to this.

My suggestion is to make sure to proofread your works to make sure you have the correct use of the words but other than that I think you did very well. Maybe add a bit more about the views the neighbors have? Do they see the younger children? If so, what's their view on the younger children?

Sincerely,
Soulkana

Heya! I'll review as I read and type down any thoughts or errors I find.

Not giving them our names in the first paragraph was a good move. I don't know if you did that to protect their identity or as a writing technique, but it's good. It turns the reader into an onlooker; watching but not knowing.

She is the only one aloud out of the house because she is the only one that the neighbors want to see.

He always wants to do the right thing, and he is deathly afraid of my dad and my older brother.