It was a place of one million orphans, all of whom had forgotten long ago how they’d happened upon the city. Liam was no exception to that rule, or to any other that seemed to be silently passed around. He walked the streets like everyone else, eyes down, path decisive. In a way, they were all a paradox, each alone, yet together in their desire to be otherwise. The cold stone walls of the tall buildings sometimes echoed the thoughts of those who wished they could handle being more than alone.
Most mornings Liam awoke at five a.m. and took a leisurely walk to the bread shop at which he worked. The sun rose—even when he sometimes doubted it would—and the colors separated themselves into solid lines with concrete borders. Even they were alone. He would count the pinks and oranges as he counted the stones on the walkway as he counted the sets of eyes that darted away from his. Many mornings the eyes outnumbered the stones.
The heat from the oven surrounded his body as he slid carefully crafted balls of dough into and out of it. For hours he stood and sweat in a heat that he imagined to be much like that of another body. Once he must have known what it was like to touch and be touched, but that he had forgotten too. His days consisted of nothing more and nothing less than this, unless it rained or snowed or anything fell from the sky that upset their pattern. Days like those sometimes felt like life.
He did not run the bread shop, but every night when he left he would pass the man who did. Not knowing this man’s name did not upset him, as it also did not upset him to have forgotten what his voice sounded like.
“I’m looking for work.” Liam had approached.
“Start early tomorrow.”
That was all they had ever spoken. More would have meant knowing him, knowing whether he was nice or not, whether he actually liked bread, where he lived and the things he wished for.
By this time the sun would set and he would count stones but not eyes because there were none. In a place where everyone was infinitely alone a lot of people went to bed early.
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137,676 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
LOVELY. You haven't been seen in a long time. Hi. 8D
Instead of "one million", just go with "a million"? Sounds like it would flow better.
Add in the emboldened.
Instead of this, try "Days like those sometimes felt like he was truly alive." or something like that. Something that flows better and leaves a better impact on the fact that he is, like the title says, merely existing.
A comma should be added after "alone". This line feels incomplete. It's a great ending, don't get me wrong. It just needs a smoother ending. Something to resonate clearly and impact the reader. Tweak it a bit.
Okay, so wow! For something very short, this was very powerful. Definitely not overdone, thankfully. I feared you would overly-milk the fact that he's alone and that he's all by himself and lonely, but since this was so short, it wasn't repeated over and over. So that was good.
I enjoyed the repetition of small things, like the sun and how the eyes outnumbered the stones (although he must have good multitasking skills if he can count the rays, stones and sets of eyes all at once).
Overall, I think this was very well written and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for sharing. It was a pleasure to read! I hope my review helped.
~Iggy
Happy September Review Day!
I don't have much to say, I like your piece and there's not much I would pick on. But, I do have a few little nitpicks...
I don't really understand how that is a paradox. Perhaps explain it a bit more.
There's one too many 'he counted' bits in that sentence. If I said it out loud, I would run out of breath.
I love this part. It cements the idea that people have become disconnected from each other, which is what I feel the poem is about. Everyone being alone yet not wanting to be. It's basically what the world is getting to.
Lovely job!
Thanks so much!