The wind hugs my presence, swiveling me around the branches. The branches themselves gently sway along with the wind. Light rays penetrate through the thick canopy that appears to hover above. They form traces of the tree's shape on the grassy carpet. I dance from one twig to the other, basking in the warmth of the sun. Whitedell rarely gets its fair share of sunshine, but today everything seems to be perfect.
It's been a year, or well technically it will be a year in a few more hours, since I have been here. I could have moved on. I still can. I probably will, but for now I'm content in this sanctuary that it has now become.
The sanctuary that my grave is.
The headstone doesn't look old, but why would it. It's only been a year. The rain has been plentiful, but the slab of granite still looks like it was sunk into the wet soil just yesterday.
It may have been yesterday, for all I know.
I can't tell. There is no sense of time in the form that I am now. Only reminders of the days and months fleeting by. The leaves turning amber, floating down, crackling under the feet of visitors. The days growing shorter and colder. Then they get longer and the fog thins. The flowers blossoming into an ethereal glow, blanketing the cemetery in an indescribable aura. The only feeling of time passing by that I have been aware of over here has been through the signs of the season.
And of course.
Jamie's visits.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was a pretty darn good prologue here. It certainly managed to do the job you'd expect from a prologue pretty well here..and well its certainly got a hook that managed to get me.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...interesting little description to start with...seems like its just a relaxing day there...with everything seeming very sunny and happy...which is surprising for the title of this story but I suppose this being the prologue...perhaps we're about to witness this very peaceful sounding day get disturbed somehow...
Okay...the wording there is giving me ghostie vibes at the moment...and I have a sneaking suspicion that our protagonist is a ghost here that just happens to be haunting this very peaceful looking place without moving on because its been peaceful..well..let's see...that's the vibe I'm getting anyway.
Ahh...well...I was right after all, and well, that is quite a cool note to start a prologue on..now things certainly do fit the title....I also like the way the passing of time and the headstone seems to almost be talking about this person's own memories where they haven't noticed that its been a year since their death but they feel like it just yesterday.
Well...there goes another theory being confirmed...xD...maybe I should just save my theorizing until the end of a piece here or I'm just going to be predicting things that get proven two lines later...xD...that aside though...I love that paragraph there about the passage of time. It really gives a sense of someone that's no longer part of the natural world and just sort of exists and has to watch as things come and go and seasons change. Its a lovely description there.
Oooh...quite an ending there to slap onto a prologue...certainly the use of the one line paragraphs really gives the sense that this is a pretty big deal here...there almost seems to be a "Dun" "Dun" "Dun" happening there...certainly a very intriguing note to end on there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, seems like a pretty solid prologue here, one that checks most of the boxes you expect from one of these and one that really manages to bring up a really interesting character stuck in an even more interesting situation. It certainly seems like a story that I would read here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi. This is really good! Definetly a hook! So, I like the concept, and I feel like you could really go somewhere with this. Just try to steer away from teen mellowdrama, because eveyrone's over that
Otherwise, really good!
For title ideas, try to think in terms that you know - the narrator is dead. SO something along the lines of "A view from below" or "another side of things" would be interesting. It should have a double meaning - those are the best titles.
Thankyou
Wow. Those are actually very good title suggestions. Thanks
Hello there~
Onto should be around*
Its*
Typo with your full-stops (periods) there.
I don't quite like the beginning of this sentence. I think "Then they get longer and the fog thins." would work better, don't you think?
This would have a better impact if the sentences were combined. And don't throw in an ellipsis (...). It won't do the sentence any justice to try and add a forced pause.
Okay! So, nice start, very nice start. Lots of great imagery in here. I like the reveal of the grave. You definitely have the reviewer surprised and intrigued, for we're wondering: is the narrator dead? If so, what does this mean?? Hopefully, you won't keep us in suspense for too long!
This was pretty good for a prologue. A friend once told me that prologues should be intense and gut-twisting, affecting the reader in some way. To be honest, this prologue did not deliver anything like that. It had a flair of suspense, with the narrator being dead (supposedly), but anything else? Nah. I think that, if you actually had Jamie visit, if only for a fragment of the scene, it would build up the intensity. Maybe we would get a glimpse into the connection and the relationship the narrator has with Jamie. Maybe it would draw us in more. Who knows? Just a suggestion.
Other than that, this was really good. Nice start; I look forward to seeing how things go in the first chapter. I hope this review helped. ^^
~Iggy
thanks for the review. This helps alot!
Will post the first chapter in a few days
Ooh! Now this was interesting - a ghost, a girl (whom I assume the ghost is quite find of) and... I don't know, I think this simple, poetic writing style suits it very well. A nice, neat small read leaving one to wonder who this girl is, how the narrator died, and basically what'll happen next. Love the description by the way, and hope you'll write more of this soon
P.S. I think the title fits in just fine!
umm...awkward moment.. Jamie is supposed to be a guy .-.
._____.
Whoops, ahaha! My bad! xD
hahhaha. Well it's a weird name
Anyways thanks for the feedback. Glad you liked it
Lol well you can't expect the reviewer to know that. All you mention is the name Jamie, not the gender or the appearance or anything. So you can't get mad or all ._. on the reviewer.
hhahah. I wasn't mad at the reviewer, I was mad at myself :p
i should have been a bit more clear abt jamie
but thinking of jamie as a girl has actually given me loads of other ideas
Good taste in imagery. Since I don't know the whole story, I can't really judge- but I believe something like "Living eternal death" would fit. But then again it might be cliche. Hope you find a title.
Thankyou