Young Writers Society

I like this song

This is really creative and understandable. I really love the line "I slit my wrists with the pills and I swallowed the knife." With so many meanings it could be given and the perplexity of it all, it is really just one of those lines that become the main reason you love a song For someone who is not suicidal you have a great way or portraying the right feel in your music.

"Drawings on my arms, but they're to hide the scars" - I really appreciate the subtle reference and creativity in this line.
-Shaylin

Heya, TakeThatYouFiend. IronSpark here... I don't know that much about lyrics, but I'll give it a shot with a quick review.

Okay. Just wanted to say how much I love these lines: "Just one more pill and I'll go too far,/Drawings on my arms, but they're to hide the scars." They're descriptive and yet mysterious... perfect.

When I read this, some of these lyrics sound kind of awkward, so you may want to do one more readthrough, this time acting as a person who doesn't know your tune you have in your head.

You write beautifully and brilliantly--these lyrics gave me a thrill.

Keep writing, you're awesome.

-IronSpark

Aurora here for her one fiftieth review!
Can I just mention that these lyrics are awesome? And I mean that in every sense of the word.

Well, before I start gushing, let's start with some criticisms.

Because you made a promise you didn't want to keep,
One extra syllable (it feels like) in this line. Technically, there are three, but you can say the 'didn't want to' in one beat. I'd just suggest changing it to 'Cause .....'

They said to follow my dreams in the rehab scheme,
Too literal, love. I don't know, the word rehab kind of ruins the mood. Maybe change it to something more... obscure.

Drawings on my arms, but they're to hide the scars.
One more syllable here; maybe do 'but they're just to hide the scars."?

When I was young I could fly in my dreams,

They said to follow my dreams in the rehab scheme,

Schmeh. 'Fly in my dreams' and 'follow my dreams' sound too repetitive. I'd rephrase one or both of those (it's a pain to rephrase rhyming lyrics, I know)

One overall criticism: your verses lack a main, centering theme. Honestly, a few of them are fine, but especially as you get towards the middle, it gets a little disattached. Usually your first two lines and last two lines relate- now just make the two halves into a whole

That's all the criticism I have! Now for the gushing...

I slit my wrists with the pills and I swallowed the knife.
Ohmigod that is so perfect. I don't know if you did that on purpose or not, but I love it. Please don't change that, whatever you do

The chorus is so perfect. Nice rhyme scheme overall, by the way- anyway, I like how the lines change syllables, which means that you're rhythm wouldn't get repetitive if this is/has been set to music.

Beautiful song, love.
I wish I could hear it, if you've got the chords/accompaniment yet .

~Aurora