Young Writers Society

I kept saying you’d be all right. They said there were some people who had AIDS that lived for more than fifteen years. Since that was the case, I told you then you can live more than that, because I knew you were a fighter at heart – you wouldn’t let anything stop you, so long as you firmly believed in yourself. You would smile and agree with me, but even then, there were also times when you needed more reassurance and support. Those were the days when you would sit alone and brood over what could happen. Those were the times when you would sit in front of your computer table and stare at the screen with a medical page open. During those moments you were at your most vulnerable… I could see the sadness in your eyes. I could see that you were lost, drifting inside the space of your mind. I couldn’t stand it. Whenever I saw you that way, I’d quietly make my way to your side and embrace you from behind. If you didn’t feel like it, I’d sit with you in silence and squeeze your hand. You are much stronger than this.

Most of the times we were together, you’d be able to pull yourself together. We’d play arcade games, watch whatever movie we felt like watching, and eat until we could barely stand up. We’d do nearly the same things we did before we found out about your sickness. We tried to take our minds off of it and focused more on the things we enjoyed doing. Nothing’s wrong with that right? All we did was have fun while we can.

While we can.

That was the biggest factor in my mind whenever reality struck me. My optimistic side would tell me you’d live long, way long, enough for both of us to see who we married, what type of family we’re raising, and reminiscence the period where we thought we’d lose each other. That type of thing where everyone gets their laughs and live their lives to the fullest. My realistic side though, would often remind me the time we have left is limited. It would whisper into my ear that the average time people with AIDS would live would be two to three years. That’s short, too short for the number of things I wanted to do with you. I wanted us to graduate – to see each other stand up on that stage holding our diplomas. I wanted to tour other countries with you and see the look on the faces of the people we’d bring back souvenirs for. I wanted to sit down on the pew, crying in happiness when I see you with that big grin on your face as you watch your future wife walk down the aisle. I wanted all that… heck, I wanted to spend time with you, no matter what the future brings. I’d joke some of these things with you, keeping in mind to leave out the time limit. I told you to promise me you’d live long enough for all my wishes to come true. Of course, you would say yes.

However, things weren’t on our side.

Your sickness caught up to you, eventually. You started coughing uncontrollably, you started having severe headaches… you started having every single thing on the symptoms list until you were confined to your house. During that period, I’d visit you every day, even for a short while, no matter the amount of school work I had to do. To me, what was important was to see you. You know me, I’d keep my word no matter the cost. You’d be worried I was spending less time with others, I, on the other hand, would assure you that wasn’t the case. I had plenty of time during breaks to catch up with the rest of my friends. You were worried I was paying less attention to my academics, again, I would tell you that I was doing well in class, even running for the Dean’s List. I debunked every single one of your worries, but still you’d feel like you were eating me up whole. You should know better. You should know to trust me. Everything that I was doing was out of my will. It wasn’t because of pity, it wasn’t because I felt bad for you – it was simply because I believed you were someone who was worth all the time and care I could afford to give. All those times you felt I was going out of my way is nothing, I would have done what I could to make you happy, even if it meant like the time I had to disappear from the picture so you could peacefully be with her.

The thing was, you see, I still loved you.

It didn’t matter anymore whether or not you could return the feelings I had the way I would have wanted you to. All that I needed was to know that I had the person I loved still lived, be it for one more year or one more day. All I wanted was to see you full of energy, doing things you loved to do, even if it meant it wasn’t a future with me. If I could do a swap, like one where you could live but the payoff would be that you’d forget me and everything we’ve done so far, then I’d gratefully jump at the opportunity. That’s what I cared about. I wanted you alive.

Trade-offs like that only happened in fantasies, though.

It was that weekend when it happened. I was still at home, preparing to leave the house to visit you when my phone buzzed. I checked the screen and saw that it was your mother. I answered the call. I can never forget what she told me that day, along with the words I heard from you in the background. She told me, in between sobs, that you were on your last leg. I felt my heart sink, shattering into millions of pieces in the process. That was when I heard you. Weakly, I heard you say you wanted to see someone you addressed as her. All my senses heightened when I rattled my brain to make sense of who that person could be. That was when it hit me. It must have been your ex, my best friend. I dropped the call before your mother could say another word. I had to get my friend to your house quickly before time would run out.

I took the keys laying on the living room table and hopped into the car. Once it roared to life, I raced it down to her house. Without thinking, I burst through their front door and frantically looked for her. Her parents were surprised to see me there – it had been long since I went over, and now that they saw me again after a long period, I just had to look like someone who’d gotten crazy. They asked me for what was wrong and I told them I needed to see their daughter, fast. Her mom could sense the urgency in my voice and briskly went up the stairs to bring her daughter out. Our meeting was awkward. She stared at me for the longest time, wondering what I had been doing in her house considering what happened in the past. Without enough time to explain, I hauled her down the stairs and simply told her she had to come with me. Despite the rough patches that happened before, she knew she could trust me with whatever it was and quietly sat in the passenger seat. I filled her in on the details as clearly as I could while driving to your house as quickly as I can. She was baffled, to say the least, but somehow, when I looked at her from the corner of my eye, it seemed like she couldn’t have cared less. I don’t understand how that could’ve been possible, considering you both were a couple before. I didn’t say anything about it though, and just continued to drive until we parked in front of your house. I dragged her out of the car, into the house, up the stairs, and into your bedroom. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.

All your family members were in the room, crying. Your younger brother was staring out the window, your father was kicking the wooden cabinet, your little sister was hugging on to your mom, and your mom… she was kneeling beside your bed. I felt my knees go weak. All the adrenaline escaped my body and I slumped on the floor, dumbfounded. I wasn’t able to get her here in time. That was all that was revolving inside my head. I wasn’t able to get her in time to talk to you before you died. Likely due to the scene around us, your ex was standing by the door, not sure of what to say. That was when your mom turned to face me.

“Jade… that time when you dropped the call on me, I wanted to tell you what he said, but you probably heard him before I could clear it up. The ‘her’ he referred to… the person he wanted to see aside from us before we went… that girl, Jade… that girl is you. He wanted to see you. He kept asking me where you were but I didn’t know what to tell him. You didn’t pick up the phone… I was frantic! I told him you were just a little late but…”

She stopped and continued to sob. That girl… that was me? He wanted me to be there before he died… and I failed him.

Everything around me didn’t seem to make sense anymore. Everything was misty… I could feel wet drops fall on my chest. My mind tried to think of it all. If I hadn’t quickly assumed who he wanted to see… then maybe I could have still seen him alive. Maybe whatever he wanted to say would have been said. So many maybes that I couldn’t keep track of anymore…

“You know… the last word he said before he passed on was your name. At his dying breath, the one he remembered the most was you, Jade.”

In the dark forest of my thoughts, your mom brought me back to where there was light. Before I knew it, she was standing in front of me with her hand on my shoulder.

“He wanted to tell you that every one of your fantasies… he wanted to turn into reality, except for one thing.”

We both stared at each other. Even through the hurt, there was a glimmer of happiness in her eyes.

“He didn’t want you to be sitting on the pews during the wedding, crying your eyes out. He wanted you to be the one walking down that aisle, holding the bouquet of white roses, smiling like there’s no tomorrow.”

It didn’t register in my brain right away. It felt like all that your mom said was gibberish. That was when your father forced a smile as he looked at me.

“Jade, Roy fell in love with you.”

I stared at everyone in disbelief. Even my best friend put on a faint smile.

“I remember that whenever Roy felt weak when he moved around the house, I’d tell him to lie down and rest. My brother, instead, would always smile at me and tell me he can handle it. He told me he wanted to fight… to fight his illness… to fight for a future where he could see the two of you together.”

Your brother brushed away a tear before he continued.

“I asked him, ‘Why don’t you ask her to be your girlfriend now? She’s always with you… what’s holding you back?’ and he told me this: ‘I don’t want her to suffer as much in case I lose the battle. I want to be with her when I know I can win… I want to be with her when I know I’ll be able to stay by her side, not when I’m a burden. I love her and I refuse to make her cry even more if I leave.’”

I lost whatever was left of my composure. There I was, bawling in the corner of the room, with your family comforting me. This isn’t right. I should be comforting them! How did it all turn around…? When I managed to force back some tears, I looked up at all of them and said what needed to be made clear.

“I love him too, and he was never a burden.”

I wanted to slap myself at that point. Not only was it because I hid what I felt, but also because I wasn’t able to realize that you felt the same way. But it’s too late. Neither your family nor I can do anything about it. As much as I was apparently part of the family, we don’t have the ability to fix our relationship any longer to make it official. All that was left to do was cry and prepare for the hardest day of our lives.

Your funeral.

I stood by your mom as we watched them lower you to the ground. She was trying to stay strong for everyone – not only your younger siblings, but also for me. She knew that if one of us were to start crying then and there, then we’d all be a wreck. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close. It was hard for me to lose who I loved, but it was definitely harder for your mom – she just lost someone she nurtured through the years, someone who she gave all her love to. Nothing can ever compare to her pain. As much as I wanted to alleviate it, all I could do was hold her close while fighting back my own sadness.

Now, it’s been a few months since we laid you in your eternal resting place. Don’t worry, Roy. I still visit your family whenever I can and bring small things in hopes of making them feel even the tiniest bit better. They’re handling it well, so you don’t have to pace up there in Heaven and make a hole on the cloud you’re standing on. Everyone’s doing their best to move on. I am too. But you know… I can’t stop thinking of the irony of it all.

What I thought would never happen was actually a high possibility – that you and I could have been together… that during the time we’d realized it, you were struck with this disease. That you fell despite being the strongest fighter I knew, and me having to put on your font of being the warrior. We had dreams and wishes we wanted to come true, but none of them would come to light anymore. All these possibilities… all those what if’s. All that I thought couldn’t happen were actually plausible futures, and all those I thought could happen would never come true. What made it that much more unfortunate was that those changed in one single disease that took you away from us.

What could have been is now what never can be. What never should have been has become reality. None of us can take it back. None of us can fix what has been done.

All that’s left with us is a memory.

A memory of a brother, a friend, a son, and a stolen potential. You were all of those, but to me, you were more.

You were a memory of a lost love which etched into my stupid heart.

I hope you’re being your energetic self at where you are now, you know, to spread the joy you’ve shared with us. So thank you, Roy. Thank you for everything.

Stay happy, okay? We’ll be fine, just you watch.