Typo Alley~D Part Two

September 13, 2014
Novel / Chapter: Fantasy, Action / Adventure
7 comments (6 reviews)

Later that night, I ladle out soup into the modest sized bowls we carry in our packs. Katya, of course, is too big to be filled up on soup, so she eats a special kind of food that the Author gave her. I can't really think of any way to describe it, but I do know that it only appears when she is hungry. It is strange. I would say it is magic, but I don't really think of the Author as a magician. The food itself is almost like a mush or oatmeal, though it also has a grainy feel to it. However, I am grateful that it is for Katya not me.

As I sit down with my bowl of soup in hand I remember again the prophet mentioned on Báuräc and wonder if Katya knows anything about it. The Author just might have said something to her. I decide to ask her about it during the meal. There is no use waiting and then forgetting about it until tomorrow I guess.

I wait until she swallows a bite of her food, before asking here about it.

"In your discussions with the Author, did he ever mention anything to you about the man mentioned in the prophecy engraved onto Báuräc?" I ask her, looking up at her towering form, about twelve feet high.

"Báuräc? What in the world is that? It sounds rather... dwarvish."

"It is. It is the name of RP's sword. But I was wondering more about the prophet, Arcade."

"Oh! I see. Well, as far as I know, the Author didn't mention him at—You know I think he might have at one point, though only in passing. I took it to be rather unimportant at the time. Now I can't remember what the Author said about him."

"Hmm... too bad. I thought it might be helpful if we could meet him, maybe we could have some of it explained. We can't figure out what the meaning of the engraving is. All we know is that somehow there is something special about the blade. We won't know what the prophecy means, even though we know what it says, until we can speak with Arcade."

"Never mind it," RP said. "First I would like to meet this halfling paladin and see what he is like. We can't really make our plans until we do so."

"I think that is probably the best plan, and the one that we have already established. I think it would be wise for us to follow the Author's instructions. I didn't really know him at all, but I know that he has a plan for getting us back if he gave Katya instructions for us to follow. He was nice enough to create us and send us here after all. Now, let's enjoy this food for now and then head off to bed I am do—wolf tired."

We all smile and Katya even breaks into a mild laugh. Now I say mild because I am sure it was mild for an elephant, but an elephant's laugh sounds absolutely ridiculous. It sounds like trilling trumpet, only it constantly changes pitch. It is honestly stranger than anything you've ever heard. Trust me. I know.

"I agree," I say. "Now that you mention it, I am quite tired. As soon as I finish this soup I think in will turn in for the night."

~~~

The next day, I wake just as RP finishes making breakfast. The aroma of fresh pancakes reaches my nose. Immediately my mouth begins to water and I sit up wide awake. However, the sun has only just begun to crest the horizon. RP is sure up early today. He must be eager to get somewhere, though I am not sure why. There isn't a chance we can reach the hobbit's land today! Well, I suppose I better eat. RP isn't the type to answer questions before we are on the road after all.

I throw off my blanket and stretch before standing. RP grunts in greeting and begins setting pancakes on plates for him and me. Wold and Katya always get their own food. Wold usually hunts for hers and as I've said before, Katya gets hers in a bowl from the Author.

I eagerly bite into the pancakes, not caring too much that we don't have anything to put on them like butter or syrup. RP did mix some wild berries into the batter, though. I am learning to make do without many conveniences and ingredients quickly. I still use a few things to make things taste good, like in the soup we had last night, but no more than we need.

"Good morning, Wold," I say as she walks into the camp, water dripping from her lips.

"Hello," she replies cheerfully. "I just returned from drinking out of that spring. The water is simply delicious! It seems to be saturated with minerals that give it flavor."

"That's what I would expect from a mountain spring," RP comments dryly.

"This one just struck me as different. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it is certainly better than any other ones I have tasted so far along our way."

"I agree!" Katya says, tromping up through the forest and stopping behind Wold. I may or may not have muddied the water though—" she says, her voice trailing of and eventually leading into a laugh.

"Will you stop laughing!" RP says irritably. "Breakfast has already started, so I suggest that you eat too. We need to be on the march before the hour is spent," glancing to the rising sun."

"Oh, I already ate!" Katya exclaims. "I am ready to go whenever you are."

"I nibbled on a carcass a little bit," Wold says. "That will be enough until I find something else to eat or have time to hunt. I am ready whenever you are as well."

"Well, I guess we better eat quickly, Racen," RP says to me, taking an altogether atrociously large bite. I look down at my plate and resume eating in a more civilized manner.

As soon as I have devoured three of the delicious hot cakes, I scurry about the camp and start to gather my things together. My pack seems like it is a good deal lighter than it was a few days ago. All of a sudden the thought strikes me. We are running low on food! I dismiss the flood of worries that rush into my mind and brush the thought aside. I know we will not lack for food as soon as we enter the domain of the halflings. They are quite well known for being hospitable and more importantly, for having overly full pantries.

"Are you ready?" RP asks, glancing around the camp and making sure we have everything.

"Yes, I think so," I reply. "If I don't have anything I need it certainly isn't because I have left it here. I checked everything thoroughly."

"Alright. I guess we'll be off then. Would you mind if we rode on you, Katya? It would save us a good amount of traveling time, you know..."

"Well, of course it would!" she exclaims. "I would be willing, but I must tell you, there are quite I few branches and vines, not to mention spider webs several feet above the ground. You would never even notice them when you are walking, I am sure, and I hardly do with my tough hide, but on my back you would always have to be ducking to avoid them.

"I don't mind, just so long as we can pick up the pace a little." I am about to interject, but RP continued. "On the other hand, Racen might not since she is so tall." I sigh with relief.

"Oh, I will be fine," I say, changing my mind on the spot after RP's rare consideration of me.

Katya sits down slowly. As soon as she is stationary, RP and I climb on her back. RP sits in the front and I on the back. When we are all situated Katya stands and exclaims, "Well then, I guess that means we are off!"

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Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:54 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya r4p17,pretzelsing here for a review of the next chapter of your novel.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
Here is my legend for nitpicks(yes I know that this is new but I have been experimenting with this and this is how I will do it )
Brown~Removal
Blue~Correction
Purple~Addition
Green~Suggestion

There is no use waiting and then forgetting about it until tomorrow I guess.

When I read this sentence the "I guess" part popped out and altered the smooth flow of this sentence. I would just remove it.

I can't really think of any way to describe it, but I do know that it only appears when she is hungry.

Hmm, the "I can't" part kind of seems like an excuse of you not wanting to write it ~~or being too lazy to do so~~

Anyways, the ironic part is that later(a couple sentences later) you again that it's mushy and grainy. That is describing it,right? So if you wrote this sentence that you can't describe it(which I still think is an excuse xD) then actually remember to not describe it.

It sounds rather... dwarvish."

You don't really need the ellipsis here because there isn't a trailing off of words (or missing words) is there?

As I sit down with my bowl of soup in hand[,] I remember again the prophet mentioned on Báuräc[,] and wonder if Katya knows anything about it.

Insert two commas here to make the sentence flow better and to know where to pause.

"It is. (It's)It is the name of RP's sword

The "It is.It is..." is very repetitive and I don't think that it goes well together.Do you see what I mean,rp?

Now, let's enjoy this food for now and then head off to bed(.) I am (too) do—wolf tired."

There is a typo and a comma splice here in this sentence.That is how I would fix it ^_^.

As soon as I finish this soup(,) I think in(I) will turn in for the night."

You need that comma in there or then the whole meaning of the sentence is changed.

Wold and Katya always get their own food. Wold usually hunts for hers and as I've said before, Katya gets hers in a bowl from the Author.

That second sentence about Wold's and Katya's food doesn't need to be there. In the first paragraph of this chapter you explained(in long length) about Katya's different food and you really don't need to mention that again.

RP did mix some wild berries into the batter, though.

I think that the though is just like a pop-up and filler the "complete" the sentence. You don't need it!

I may or may not have muddied the water though [. . .]—" she says, her voice trailing of and eventually leading into a laugh

I think that you should use ellipsis because of her voice trailing off inside the quotation.You don't need that hyphen.

"If I don't have anything I need[,] it certainly isn't because I have left it here. I checked everything thoroughly."

I didn't really understand this sentence that well. I had to reread it two times and I think that the problem here is a missing comma and I think that you could rephrase this sentence a bit.What if you just wrote:(in the spoiler)

Spoiler! :

In my mind this ^_^ makes much more sense(if this is what you mean at all)

That's it with the nitpicks, now onto the general. Racen and RP riding on Katya? Aww that's so cute <333 (and I am sure that it will speed up their journey and make their legs hurt less xd) Go Katya! She objected with logic that they might bump their heads and so and and so forth. Now this comment might seem really weird, but I always thought that Katya(even though she was an elephant) that she was life sized and smaller. In this chapter when I read that she is 12 feet tall(two times as tall as my dad;)) I was kind of shocked and not expecting that.Maybe you could make that clear a little bit more before.

A lot of this focus of this poem has been on food. I was kind of irritated that the whole first paragraph talked about Katya's food. Why? Were you hungry while writing this chapter? xD
Maybe you could cut out some parts, you don't really have to describe their food ~~who does that~~.Just generally you could write that they ate their food(pancakes hmmm) in the morning and then maybe use all of that other space to describe now the new setting or their adventures on the journey.

Your last sentence:

When we are all situated Katya stands and exclaims, "Well then, I guess that means we are off!"

I want to point out when Katya "exclaims" does that mean that she moves her mouth or jumps up and down? <,< What do you really mean by that? Also you have a tendency throughout this whole chapter to use the words 'guess' and 'though' and it has seriously got to stop :/ They are just unnecessary fillers and no one in real life says it that often anyway. In fact,if you wanted to, you could throw all of them out.

Anyways,that's it from me.I hope that this review helps you improve your writing!
KEEP ON WRITING!

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Sun Feb 22, 2015 2:40 pm

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Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!

The Author just might have said something to her. I decide to ask her about it during the meal. There is no use waiting and then forgetting about it until tomorrow I guess.

I wait until she swallows a bite of her food, before asking here about it.

I find that sometimes you drag things out. Which is fine, but I feel like it's not really needed. You could've just written that Racen decided to ask Katya about the sword. It doesn't really matter if she decided to do it during dinner or wait until Katya was done swallowing. Just have her ask.

We won't know what the prophecy means, even though we know what it says, until we can speak with Arcade."

But they actually don't know what the prophecy says. At least, not the 'prophecy of Arcade'. There are the words on the sword, but they only mention the prophecy of Arcade. It's not specific as to what the prophecy actually is. Unless, of course, the prophecy is what's written on the sword. Either way, it's a bit confusing, which I'm sure was meant to be because the characters don't know a thing about it. I guess what I'm saying is that it's not too clear as to what this prophecy actually is and if the writing on the sword is a prophecy. So many prophecies! xD

You seem to missing a large number of dialogue tags in your writing. Okay, maybe not a lot of them, but at least in places that they are needed. For example, this dialogue:

"I think that is probably the best plan, and the one that we have already established. I think it would be wise for us to follow the Author's instructions. I didn't really know him at all, but I know that he has a plan for getting us back if he gave Katya instructions for us to follow. He was nice enough to create us and send us here after all. Now, let's enjoy this food for now and then head off to bed I am do—wolf tired."

really needs a tag. I first thought it was Racen taking, but then the last part is a wolf joke that Wold likes to make. I thought that Racen was just stealing his joke, but then in the next piece of dialogue she says she's tired. So I'm guessing that the one above is Wold's dialogue. You don't need tags all the time, but when you're switching from one character to another and there's more than two people in the conversation, there's a greater need for tags.

I've noticed something common about each of your chapters. They seem to each be one full day. I think that's cool. I've never really read a book like that before. Most of the things I read happen in a very short amount of time, actually, or don't start a new day until after six or seven chapters. What you're doing with these chapters works great, especially because they're on this journey and it's not going to take them a short time to reach the end.

As much as I like it, it does get a bit repetitive. They walk, then rest, then sleep, then get up and eat breakfast. It's the same routine every chapter. I don't really have any suggestions as to how to change that because, well, it seems necessary. Maybe that could be something to consider when you go back and edit. Think about the novel in its entirety.

I really am quite enjoying reading this. It's one of those rare novels where I'm enjoying the story so much that I have to force myself to look for things to point out. It's such an incredible story and a fun premise. Each chapter I enjoy more and more. Keep up the awesome writing and storytelling!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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Sun Nov 30, 2014 1:42 pm

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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hey, R4! Wolf here for a review.

Back to chronological order, I see. So, totally random thought, but how in the world do they have pancakes? Where did they get the mix? I remember that they started their journey off with some food, that's how they have the eggs of course, but pancakes of all things? Plus that's probably not the most energy supplying food in the world for a trek up a mountain.

Also, you mention that Wold gets her own food, but just in the previous chapter she was eating breakfast with them? I automatically assumed she was eating the eggs that Racen had just made, but apparently not? Maybe try to make this more clear.

I must say, I enjoyed the part a lot more. There's a lot more apparent of a voice in the narration with Racen that I'm liking, just a little more work on the dialogue and it'll just be spot on!

Great idea for RP to think up riding Katya. So, I get where's coming at that they'll probably have to duck a lot, but aren't they on a mountain? Why would they have to duck? Have I missed something entirely? Usually mountains aren't strewn with trees everywhere, but I guess towards the base there could be forests... Maybe clearing this up more would help.

So, I do agree with Deanie in saying that we don't see much of the actual traveling and only their prep work, and it is seeming rather dull. Maybe just a portion of their journey could be described more. What they see as they're walking. What they talk about, if they even talk? Maybe this was done earlier on, but I do not recall. Anywho. I'm really enjoying this loose reins story and where you want to go, it can. Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

r4p17 says...

Thanks for the review. I realize that it probably wasn't too realistic to have pancakes. I didn't think that out too much.

I am glad that you like the tense/POV switch. There is so much that you can do with FP if you do it right. It can be so entertaining!

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Thu Oct 02, 2014 7:06 pm

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Deanie wrote a review...

Hey there!

*does a little dance*

Why am I dancing? Because I am all caught up on chapters, of course!

Again, like your previous chapter, this one was incredibly well written. I have a feeling that this will be a short and to the point review because there really isn't much for me to cover, and if I am pulling it out it's only a really small detail that I caught. In fact, I think ThereseCricket has done an awfully good job of saying the majority of what I wanted to. I would also like to mention what I liked about this chapter. I would have to say it was due to the fact that they were all together again, and we got to see them all interacting as a big group. I think Katya is one of my favourite characters and it was good to see her stumbling around again and all Loving this!

I did wish that we were seeing more of the journey though. I feel like we are getting caught up in descriptions of the everyday mandatory things - we're constantly seeing them wake up and make food and walk, and complain about walking. It's almost like a little cycle. I feel like we need some more interesting aspects of this adventure that they are embarking on. More descriptions of the setting which should draw the reader in. As well as that, make them disagree on big things or little things more, but I would like some more character tension And make them come across some bad monster or some sort of creature on their way to getting wherever they want to be. This is all too easy for them and I am longing for something more so it seems more suspenseful!

I noticed that at the beginning Racen says Kayta's food doesn't look appealing and she is glad it's only for Katya, who seems to like it. But she mentioned the texture, and that makes me wonder, has she ever tried it herself? Maybe she shouldn't judge as quickly if she hasn't, even though I could believe Racen would've judged it without trying it herself first. It's a small thing to note but worth the time of reading this

then head off to bed I am do—wolf tired."

I wonder, what was she going to say? I feel like it should've been dead tired, but that doesn't begin with 'do' and yeah, it was just an awkward place to stop. You don't need a hyphen there if all it is going to make you do is be curious.

Milk is needed for pancakes! And without a fridge it is almost impossible to keep milk for as long as they have been out there without staling. So what you need is for them to stop eating such luxurious foods and try not to eat so many extravagant things on their hunt! Sometimes letter is better.

Keep me updated! I can't wait to see when the next part is posted or something! You could simply comment on my wall if you want to!

Deanie x

r4p17 says...

Dog tired!

r4p17 says...

Oh, and I will consider what you said about the pancakes. Also, are you subscribed to the club? That is where I announce the new chapters!

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Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:07 pm

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Sunshine1113 wrote a review...

Sunshine here to review as requested and to save this work from the belly of the Green Room!

Let me just say, this is really cool. I take it this is kind of like a real-life YWS type thing? It's really creative. There's not a whole lot more I can really edit grammar wise because Cricket has already pointed that all out.

You have a very unique and distinct writers voice. And that's really good. You have a unique writing style that I haven't seen in a long while. That's also really good.

Your characters dialogs are kind of boring. They are too wordy and the reader gets bored very quickly when reading wordy things and they tend to be run on sentences.

Other than that and what Cricket has pointed out, I don't see really anything else wrong or in need of a comment of some sort.

Keep on writing!
~Sunny

r4p17 says...

Thanks for the review!

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Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:11 pm

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ThereseCricket wrote a review...

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Well, I sure did like all the hints at Lord of the Rings. that's for darn sure. Gave it a feel, that could only mean, well... LOTR. xD

What I liked most about it though, was the social interaction between the companions. They seemed very close-nit and warmish towards each other. I think when traveling together, that's usually good, yes? They all have this slight sense of humor, that shines through at different times, but always has the required effect, I think. Some of course have this sense of humor more, like Wold for instance. Hehe, she muddied up the water, eh? Naughty Wold. Was there like some spirit in that mountain spring or something... ~~the spirit should soo totally beat her up for that joke~~.

One other thing, that I think I should comment on is your cool way of metaphorical descriptions. Like they say something that means something entirely and all the way weird, but they relate sooo much to what you're describing! xD Trilling trumpet was one of my favorites, by the way.

Later that night, I ladled out soup

The problem here is in red.

It is strange.

This sentence seems rather loose. Like it was thrown out there, to just tell us that the MC thought it was strange. Maybe switch it up and insert it somewhere else? Try and add to its length and have it say something more in its content, then it's just strange.

However, I am grateful that it is for Katya not me.

Either place a comma after Katya or place an and after it. That will break up the different elements of the sentence.

As I sit down with my bowl of soup in hand I remember again

Sorry, if I talk about commas soo much. But here, you need a comma after hand. Just remember for the future, that commas split different elements in the sentence.

Typo

before asking her about it.

Just a typo that I found.

did he ever mention anything to you about the man mentioned

*cough cough* Naughty little brother... I spy redundancy! I put it in red.

looking up at her towering form, about twelve feet high.

How about rephrase this to: Looking up at her form, towering twelve feet high. Or just something like that. Seems kinda stilted at the moment.

I may or may not have muddied the water though—" she says, her voice trailing of and eventually leading into a laugh.

OK, here I have a problem with your m-dash. An m-dash represents a interruption in speech or a breakup. An ellipsis though, represents a trailing off I guess you could say. Also, be careful of your use of the ellipsis. I notice that you use it fairly often, and that's sometimes not always good. Try and make sure to not use it as often as you can. It generally isn't good for making good clear dialogue. Usually. I think it's necessary here. Just not in some other places throughout this chapter. If you read through with that in mind, you'll find the spots.

"That's what I would expect from a mountain spring,

Since he's being sarcastic and this is aimed towards Wold, take the I out and use you instead.

We need to be on the march before the hour is spent," glancing to the rising sun."

Whoah! What happened here? xD I think the problem here is pretty apparent. I think you missed MC said. And get rid of that extra quotation mark at the end.

I look down at my plate and resume eating in a more civilized manner.

Hmm, YWS much, bro? You sooo totes am gonna get killed in chat for that... PLEASE tell me that wasn't on purpose.

They are ~~quite~~ well known for being hospitable

Necessary word here. Makes the entire sentence seem rather awkward.

I say

OK, here is something that I normally don't talk about at all, as it typically isn't ever an issue. Your dialogue tags are boring. No offense, but they kinda are. Not boring as in, what they are, but how often they're used. I mean, I rarely use anything beyond, replied, said, says, exclaims, ect.., But this is kinda overkill. It's just say and said! There's not the slightest bit of variety at all!

Now like I said before, I normally wouldn't bring this up, as it's typically fine in the writing world. But since it instantly grabbed my attention and when I was reading through your dialogue, I was focusing on the tags, instead of the dialogue itself, I figured you'd want to hear about it. So yeah, try and use a wee bit more variety when it comes to those.

One thing I found interesting, was that your character was talking almost directly to us the entire time, without directly doing it. And it wasn't slam in your face about it either. Well done. Was subtle.

OK, I be done now. Since I'm subscribed to your club I'll know when you post next, and make sure if I'm late next time, to spam my wall or post half a million reminders, or just something. xD

Keep writing!

~Cricket

ThereseCricket says...

bwt, the part where I asked if you YWS much, the word that's in italics, was in bb code in your work. *glares* that's addiction bro. That's addiction. xD

r4p17 says...

Oh! Well I thought it used bbcode, but then found out it wasn't that one must have slipped through my edit!

r4p17 says...

Thanks for the review, btw!

ThereseCricket says...

xD No problem bro. Make sure you kill me for not reviewing when I'm part of your club, next time.

r4p17 says...

My Precious pleasure!

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Typo Alley~D Part Two

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