Published September 8, 2014
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
I belong to a mixed gender host club, originally meant to cater to men and women of all orientations, but it never really caught on with about 85% of the straight male population. Due to this unfortunate fact, we have only one faithful female hostess, who gets equal parts straight male (mostly nerds), gay male (shopping buddies), and not-so-straight female customers (generally just curious), and therefore is the highest-paid member of the club. The rest of the members are male hosts of varying physical appearance and personality, not to mention personas.
Complex relationships exist between all of us but the most complicated is, without adoubt, between Antonio, the president, and Jai, our hostess. They have been together for one year now. They have many a time disappeared into the backroom,returning to the real world with disheveled appearances and wide “I-have-a-secret” smiles.
Almost as often, Antonio will return first, knuckles just barely scraped with Jai’s muffled screams. When she returns, her pale skin has been splashed with the purples and blues that Antonio is so fond of…
Sorry for waxing poetic on you. I’ll try again:
On good days, they go into the closet to fuck.
On bad days, he drags her in there to smash her face in.
On really bad days, an ambulance gets called.
I don’t understand why she’s with him. I’ll admit it here and now, I’m desperately in love with Jai. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, all those things that every guy wants in a girl. The problem is that she prefers to be used and abused and controlled. She enjoys it, and I would never be able to mistreat her like that.
But this isn’t about me. Or her. Or him. This is about the entire club, and how we ended up behind bars.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was certainly quite intriguing here...it focuses a lot on this one thing that in itself seems to be quite interesting and then ends in quite a cliffhanger there..all in all, this makes for a lovely start to a story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well that seems like a pretty nice place there...pretty accepting of everyone, and well despite the fact that is appears that not everyone likes it, it seems like just a pretty neat location there that just functions with what it gets...and well this is a decent little introduction to that...well, let's see where this is headed I suppose.
Well...that seems to be an interesting thing to mention there...I assume perhaps it will be one of the focuses of the story perhaps...at any rate, it certainly doesn't seem to be too bad but I have a feeling that perhaps there's more to it considering it is described as something quite complicated.
Well...this is explaining that quite a bit...there..well, that relationship is most definitely a bit on the complicated side you could say...and well that abrupt cut off there is certainly quite intriguing...the ellipse is definitely hinting at something there...
Well, that explains the ellipse there...but well..that certainly would make things super complicated there, there's definitely something going on there that's not what meets the eye.
Okayy..well on hand...that's an interesting love triangle there...certainly not the sort of thing that you normally run into...that definitely seems like it could be quite interesting going forward...and then of course there's that ending...that definitely ends on quite a bit of a cliffhanger there with that bombshell being dropped there...well it certainly makes things quite interesting there at the end.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty neat little start here, certainly seems like its a pretty cool story here...there's certainly a very interesting premise here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Wow. This is so awesome! Please continue! You gave just enough to interest me but not to little! Usually It's hard to get me hooked but after reading this I'm already hooked.
"Sorry for waxing poetic on you. I’ll try again:
On good days, they go into the closet to fuck.
On bad days, he drags her in there to smash her face in.
On really bad days, an ambulance gets called."
This is just. Wow. Great job. I was confused at first and then you said it so bluntly...just amazing. Great job with that.
Keep me updated?
-Kamryn
Absolutely, I will keep you updated Kamryn!!! Thank you so much!
I'll do nit-picks first:
'without adoubt' - 'a doubt' is two words.
'backroom,returning to the real' - you missed the space after the comma.
I think you should very much continue down this rabbit-hole. Your tone is excellent and I love your use of the f word. I am a Scot. Swearing is braided into my blood. The language rules on this site are gradually driving me insane. I can tell you with what I think is reasonable authority that that is a well placed 'fuck'.
Anyway, I am very intrigued by your set-up and for such a short piece you have great characterisation. Your characters are already complex and I can tell that I am going to feel varied emotions for Jai at varied times.
My only suggestion for this would be a single paragraph of setting - or you could just casually mention people sitting around a lunch table or something like that.
Well done! And let me know when you post your first chapter.
Sorry about the spaces, when i transferred from Word Doc to YWS, it cut out a lot of the spaces. I tried to catch as many as possible.
And thank you very much for the approval of my "fuck." I am also part Scottish, so these language rules are getting to me too. Thank you so much for being the first person to review this!!!!
I like your lunch table suggestion; that may or may not be the setting of the first chapter
Oh cool! What part of Scotland? And you're welcome
I don't know what part lol I'm legally American and my family lost touch with their roots
Aw, well, we're not very big so the chances are you're from somewhere moderately close to me
probably