Published September 5, 2014
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Hey there! Since this work has been in the Green Room since September, I shall rescue it from the Green Room!
This was very different, and interesting. I have never read a poem like this before. I don't really know any of the "soundtracks." The title though is very generic and cliche. You need to make it different and think of something that hasn't been used before. Also, as Widdershins said, make it more imaginative and make it better. Trust me, it will improve if you do. Don't give up and always write!
-CaptainSaltWater
Hello~
This was rather a different poem.
I thought it was interesting that you based this on a soundtrack. I have to say that the only song I know here is "Wonderwall" but I hope that won't matter in my experiencing of the poem.
First of all, I think you title could be better. I can't tell you how many times I've seen the phrase "shattered heart." It's veerrry cliche. I don't know how to advise you. Also, I don't know if soundtrack is right, but maybe it is. Depends on how you see this poem. I view it as songs that you listen to when you experience heartbreak. Then it would be "Playlist" not "soundtrack." That's probably too technical though.
Onto the first stanza.
I love this part because its so simple but so effective. In pairs of lines, they carry their similarities into each other. "mix-tape" and "mixed signals" and the minds.
The next stanza, under "Asleep" was nice. I think it's very relatable because it's a feeling we all have. I also like the last line. It was descriptive. There's something about the first lines that make them... forgettable though. I'm not sure what it is. I'm sure they're fine, actually. The song title relates to the stanza very well.
Skinny Love:
I've never heard this song but again, It's great that the title goes with the actual stanza. This idea is a little cliche, as is the way you present it, but I like it anyhow. Maybe if you checked out your line breaks, you could make these words seem more powerful. Carefully consider where you break off the line. Are you ending on a word that you want to have emphasis? Putting a word at the end of a line puts a lot of stress on that word.
Wonderwall:
Onto the one I actually know something about!
The interesting thing about this one is that if I didn't know the song, I couldn't make a connection to the words. Maybe this is because it's generally better known?
I like the content here. I especially like the first two lines.
I think here is a good place to demonstrate what I mean about the line breaks.
(obviously anything I say you can completely ignore because it's your art.)
"The" is not a strong word, but its at the end of the line, giving it a lot of emphasis.
"Was" is also not a strong word. Although, it is at the end of a sentence, which we can allow, plus the word is strong enough in context.
"to" is again, not a strong word.
You can put emphasis on the important words, allow readers to understand your poem more, and have people remember the poem by changing those end words to "connotation-packed words. For example, you might say:
(and while I'm at it, here's a slight revision of 'skinny love': )
there is a light:
I'm glad that you ended on a hopeful note, though I feel like this doesn't really fit into the tone of the rest of the poem. Maybe you should have some sort of transition song between wonderwall and light? I dunno.
Again, "your" is not a very descriptive word.
As a whole, I enjoyed this poem, though I did find it a tad forgettable. Pack some metaphors/imagery in there that I can't forget about! I'll be great!
Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis