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Endless Night

by silverpen243


Some are born to shocks and shakes , Some to sunlit mornings wake

Some are born to sweet delight , Some are born to endless night.

To lie awake at the midnight hour, Always to life have a feeling sour

To feel nothing nothing is right, To be the victim of an endless night.

The pain that the thoughts do cause, To feel helpless to feel at a loss

Darkness draws itself up to its full height, When you experience an endless night.

To toss and turn upon the bed, Even during rest time to worry your head

Outside the window a bat takes flight, Such is the horror of an endless night.

To have nobody at your side, When feelings overcome to have nowhere to hide

Such is the time when there is no light, Such is a scary endless night.

Horror, darkness, scares, wrong, are always in the air, But yet once in your life you must take up the dare

Once oh once you have to fight, The feeling , the mystery of an endless night

An endless endless endless night, The answer one day I find might

The mystery of one night in your life which pierces your heart like a sharp knife.


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11 Reviews


Points: 620
Reviews: 11

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Fri Sep 05, 2014 5:59 pm
nightflyer wrote a review...



I really loved this. The structure, the words used, and the rhyming. This is just the thing that i'm interested in, so of course i loved it. I could really feel the darkness, but at the same time their was an eerie kind of beauty. The pain seemed to reach out to me and draw me in but at the same time i wanted to stay at a distance simply because the thought of what would happen if I were to take a closer look. I do think that punctuation could be improved. You forgot to put it in in some places and personally i think that in places exclamation marks would be appropriate. This is a great piece. Loved it.




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200 Reviews


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Fri Sep 05, 2014 11:29 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hey.

So I enjoyed reading this work.

What Went Well.

1. The ideas were well organised and structured.
2. There was a solid theme throughout the work and it continued on well.
3. The rhyme scheme worked well :)

Even Better If.

1. There was more end of line punctuation to help make sense of the thoughts, otherwise they go together too much and it's difficult to digest.
2. The lines where the capital letters are were split to make a longer looking poem.
3. There were some shorter lines among the longer ones, to make the reading experience more interesting and the main points of the work easier to digest.


On the whole I enjoyed this work.
Keep writing!

~EE




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254 Reviews


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Fri Sep 05, 2014 6:37 am
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IamTraunt wrote a review...



Hey, silver! Welcome to YWS :3 I hope you enjoy your time here!

Okay... So I'll jump right in to this...

Themes

Oh. Wow. I love this theme! Life is always such a beautiful, open and expressive theme. You can go anywhere with this subject! Old age, birth (which you have mentioned), experiences... Then BOOM! You talk about nightmares. I guess you could class that under experiences, as we all have experienced and carried on to experience nightmares. I love how you bring in birth, its quite a twist on the original subject, and you go it right from the beginning. I almost feel like you've purposefully said that you wake up either way, like how your are born will tell you your future of either nightmares or sweet dreams. I loved that. Its original. Its clever. Ooo. Just brilliant.

Devices used

I do have one nitpick before I go into this:

Some are born to shocks and shakes , Some to sunlit mornings wake

On every line you have a gap in between your commas. Now sure - between the word on the right side needs to be spaced out, but the word that comes before the comma doesn't need to be.
Also, you use a capital after the commas, which again, isn't needed. You do it on every sentence. It just needs fixing ;)

Sometimes you use Enjambment, which I will tell you, I love to see in a poem. It is so open, it is an absolutely awesome way of getting the point across. I think you have used it to show the ongoing of these nightmares, which is a great way of expressing how constant they are. Brilliant. It was great! Well done.




silverpen243 says...


Thanks everybody for such encouraging responses to my little poem. And thanks for telling me to correct my punctuation marks. I'll remember. ( hope I've used them correct here !! )




This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill