z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Progeny : Chapter 2

by MissGangamash


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter 2

The doorbell rang and Evie sprang up from the sofa, unable to contain her flurry of excitement at the thought of company. She reached the door and opened it with a smile. Michael was stood on the front step in a worn leather biker jacket and scuffed jeans.

“Hi again.” She grinned and stepped aside. He gave her a cordial nod and stepped into the house.

He looked around the hallway as if it were the first time he had entered and said, “Twenty pounds for the wrist, fifty for the neck and a hundred in any other area.”

She laughed lightly and shut the door. “I know. You don’t need to say that every time you come in.”

His dark eyes raked up her. “Yes I do, standard procedure.”

She rolled her eyes and gestured to the living room. “Go right on in. Make yourself comfortable.”

He nodded, his lips forming a thin line and he stalked out of the hallway.

She always chose Michael because he looked the most like Caius, or so they told her at Dial-a-bite when she went to their building and showed them a picture of him last year when he was away on one of his breaks. He has come three times in the week Caius has been missing.

Evie stood in the door-less frame, watching as Michael pulled up the leg of his jeans to check that his cuff was still flashing. It made her frown every time he did that. She thought they had grown a connection over his visits but it was obvious that he only saw her as a client and a potentially deadly client at that, so he had to check his tracker was still working and his team knew exactly where he was and if he was in any danger.

He looked sort of like Caius, she had thought when she was first shown a picture of him from the woman behind the desk, and even more so in person. She had been scared to start using the Dial-a-bite service as she was still trying to fool everyone that she was still human. But all the clients records were kept confidential and she figured, if she used the same person every time, onlookers would just think he was a friend stopping by for a chat.

Michael hadn’t aged as well as Caius, that was what she had spotted first. Of course, with Caius being a vampire, that was bound to happen. But Caius was Turned when he was thirty two and Michael was three years younger yet had pools of wrinkles around his eyes where Caius’ skin was still baby soft. Both Michael and Caius had signature long hair but Michael’s was a shade darker and always pulled back into a ponytail which Evie didn’t like.

She shook her head and returned to Earth. She pulled on a smile and said, “Would you like some tea?” in the most cheeriest voice she could manage.

“No, I’m good,” he replied in his low, gruff voice, avoiding eye contact.

Caius’ voice was soft like silk and had a smooth, disarming charm about it. That was another difference.

She laughed lightly, trying to stay upbeat. “I bought some especially for you.”

“I told you, I’m good.”

She swallowed a lump in her throat, squashing down her hurt from his abruptness and mumbled, “Okay.”

She sat down beside him and tucked up her knees so she was side-on from him. She was still wearing her pyjamas but had thrown on a dressing gown over the top because they were rather revealing. She ran her fingers through his hair to the band holding it in place. He didn’t move as she pulled it out and let his dark hair spill down his back and over his shoulders.

Her fangs popped out and he flinched at the sound. She covered her mouth and leaned back from him. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“You…just look a lot like my Maker with your hair down.”

“I know. You told me,” he said, sounding disinterested.

She popped her fangs back in and squeezed her eyes shut at the burning sensation behind them. “I really miss him.”

“He’s still not back?” he asked but his eyes were on the wooden clock on the mantelpiece.

She shook her head and sniffed as a hot tear ran down her cheek and stained her vision red. He finally turned to look and her and recoiled a little at the sight. She shook her head and wiped her palm over her cheek. “I’m so sorry. Pretty gross, I know.” She looked down at the crimson smeared across her shaking hand.

Michael sighed and dug his hand into his jacket pocket. “Here.” He held out a tissue to her.

She smiled gratefully and wiped her hand and cheeks, instantly turning the white tissue blood red.

They stayed silent for a while, the ticking of the clock the only noise in the room. Michael stayed looking ahead with his hands laced together on his lap. He was still for a moment but then started to tap his foot against the laminate and twiddle his thumbs. Evie watched his body language change curiously then looked into his eyes. The muscles in his cheek rippled when her eyes hit him and he cleared this throat.

“Do you want to feed or not?” he finally asked and his eyes shifted to her.

Her gut twisted. Brown eyes. Caius’ were light blue. Another difference.

She shifted so she was on her knees beside him and nodded, pulling his hair back and exposing his throat.

“Fifty, right?” she asked and popped her fangs out. He flinched again as the oddly metallic click rang down his ear.

He nodded.

She smiled and pressed her lips to his throat, feeling the pulse just under the surface, before pulling them back and sinking her fangs into him. He gasped as his skin tore then groaned and dropped his head back against the sofa, fluttering his eyes closed. The hot, thick liquid poured down her throat and she moaned slightly as it seemed to tingle every cell in her body, making them dance and ignite. She shifted her body so she was straddling his lap and yanked his hair so his head snapped to the side, exposing more or his pale neck to her. She continued to suck more and more of his liquid life, pinning him back against the sofa. She wasn’t even that hungry. She had only called for the company. But he did taste fantastic.

Suddenly, his arm jerked out and he gripped the top of her arm, squeezing it with as much strength as he could muster. Noticing the signal, she drew back with a satisfied growl. Michael panted underneath her, his eyes wide and bleary. She wiped her mouth as the crimson dripped from her chin and studied their current position. She let out an embarrassed laugh and jumped off him to her feet.

“I’ll get your money,” she said, avoiding eye contact as she went to find her purse in the kitchen drawer.

When she returned, Michael was already on his feet, his hair back in a ponytail. She handed him the money and he nodded his thanks before heading to the door.

“Wait!”

He paused in the hallway and turned to her. She smiled and nodded to the two puncture wounds clearly visible on his throat. “Let me heal you.”

His jaw clenched but he nodded stiffly. Her fangs popped out and she pricked her finger with one before pressing it onto the holes in his neck. He went rigid at her touch. The wounds sealed shut and she smiled at her handy work. “There.”

He opened the door but then paused with his back to her. He turned his head a little but didn’t look round as he said, “I hope your Maker is okay.”

She clutched her chest and swallowed a lump in her throat. “Me too.”

He nodded then left and she closed the door after watching disappear down the driveway.

It was almost nine so she went upstairs to get ready for her shift at the club. She stripped out of her pyjamas and replaced them with her boring black jeans, black vest and leather jacket. As she hung up her dressing gown, the bloody tissue slipped out of the pocket and dropped to the ground. She picked it up and threw it in the bin with all the rest. If someone went through her rubbish bins over this last week, it’d look like someone had been mauled to death judging by how many bloody crisped tissues there were.

Her ugly, clunky boots were waiting for her by the door when she jumped down the stairs. She shoved them on, locked up and vampire sprinted her way into the town centre, just around the corner from Sourz. Conscious of her pale skin in the winter’s chill, she slapped her cheeks to bring some colour to them and started down the street, remembering to breathe and create little white puffs of air.

Eric was in the manager’s office when she arrived, having only just arrived himself. They both made their presence known before stepping back outside and waiting for the punters.

“Any news?” asked Evie, hugging herself and bouncing on her heels, mirroring Eric as he danced in the cold.

He shook his head. “Not really. Just can’t wait to get this weekend over so I can get my nights back.”

Evie laughed but dread clutched her stomach at the thought of a week of lonely nights. Maybe she could ask her boss if she could do some overtime. Or maybe Caius would find his way back to her.

The night in the club was easy going until a fight broke out at one in the morning. From the shouting and balling Evie could make out as she pushed passed onlookers to get to the rowdy ground of twenty-somethings, one of the guys was looking at the other ones bird and getting a little too handsy. Evie wasn’t surprised that he had been staring when she saw the state of the guy’s girlfriend with fake tan, white-blonde extensions and a dress so short she found herself staring as well. But for a different reason. Did she own a mirror?

“Right!” barked Eric over the din but with the pounding music and the argument in full swing, he wasn’t heard. Evie started to move back the crowd that had gathered around egging them on, and Eric grabbed the guy that was swinging punches by the scruff of his collar and led him in the direction of the door. The girlfriend chased after them and started hammering her fists on Eric’s broad back, screaming like a banshee as the guy that had apparently been checking her out had moved to the bar and was already ordering another drink.

Eric hadn’t noticed the beating he was getting from behind as he pushed the guy out of the door but Evie wanted to muck in anyway and show her who was boss. She pushed her way through the swaying bodies and grabbed the girl by the arm just before all three of them escaped the club. The girl swung around and tried to swat her in the face but Evie dodged her easily and grabbed a fistful of her hair. Before the girl even managed to scream, she brought their faces closer together and said, “look into my eyes.”

The girl did and she was under her spell in a matter of milliseconds. Her pupils dilated so much there was only a faint line of silver rimming them.

“I want you and your boyfriend out of here, now. The longer you are here, the more scared you will become. You won’t know why you are so anxious to leave but you will understand that it is what you must do. Okay?”

The girls jaw slackened and she nodded dumbly.

Evie smiled. “Okay. Good.” She let go of her hair and slapped her cheek, making the girl blink hard, startled out of the trance.

Terror etched across her face as she searched around the club madly before turning and flying out of the door. Evie laughed to herself and followed leisurely, not wanting to miss the show.

“It was him! He started it! Why are you throwing me out?! Get him out here so I can kick the shit out of him!”

The guy was striding in circles in front of Eric, his face scrunched with rage and his finger waggling at her partner. His muscles were coiled and stiff. Evie could hear his heart thumping in his chest. His girlfriend beside him yanked his arm, tears welling in her eyes.

“Pete, we’ve gotta go,” she stammered.

“Not until I’m finished with him!” he screamed in Eric’s face, his saliva flying everywhere.

“Pete, I’m serious. I want to go home.” She looked warily to the club. “Let’s go. Please. Pete. I really want to get out of here. We need to go.”

“Let go of me!” he snapped, pulling his arm out of her grasp. “Get Robbie out here now!”

Eric sighed, keeping as cool as a cucumber. “Mate, listen to your girlfriend. I think it’s time the both of you call it a night.”

“I am not your mate!” the guy –Pete- shoved his finger in Eric’s face.

Eric watched him with bemused, hooded eyes.

“C’mon, Pete. Please. Let’s just leave it, yeah?” The girl grabbed his arm again, desperately.

“For fuck sake!” Pete spun to her. “What the fuck has gotten into you? Did Robbie do something? I swear I am going to kick that fuckers teeth in!”

Mascara tears were streaming down her cheeks now. “No. No. It’s nothing to do with Robbie…” her voice trailed off as she looked back at the club. “I…don’t think.” Evie bit down on her lip to suppress a grin at the confusion in her eyes. “Pete, I just really want to go home…”

Finally, the boyfriend gave in. He huffed loudly, deflating. “Fine. If it will stop you fucking whining. Come on.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and inclined his head down the street before heading off. She followed doggedly behind.

Evie and Eric both watched as they disappeared in the crowd.

“Remind me never to drink,” sighed Eric.

Evie laughed. Eric had never drank in the time she had known him, and apparently was sober for the two years before that. Something about seeing the state of what alcohol can put people in on a weekly basis made him stay far away from the stuff. Evie didn’t blame him, working as a bouncer, she had also seen some nasty things, and that was coming from a vampire.

It was around four in the morning when Evie made her way home. There were still a few people out and about on the streets and she decided to walk amongst them and feel like a real human as there were still a few hours of night left before she needed to be locked indoors.

When she walked past and an alley, her head cocked at a noise. A muffled hiss of pain. It was quiet but not for her due to her vampire hearing. She squinted into the darkness and caught sight of a figure staggering with its back to her in the grey darkness. She paused at the mouth of the alley. Her eyes brightened as she sniffed the air. Blood. He was bleeding.

Her fangs popped out instinctively and she fell back into the shadows, keeping to the wall as she followed the injured man. When she got closer, she could see that he was clasping his hand and blood was spilling out of an open slash on his palm. He was crying, juddering and sniffing as he continued on his way to the opening at the other end of the alley. His blood smelt so sweet and fresh, nothing like that hobo’s. But that had been a momentary lapse. She got those. It happened from time to time when a blood bag just didn’t seem enough and someone offering their neck to her just seemed pathetic and boring. Her natural instincts to hunt was sometimes hard to ignore. And it was rearing its ugly head again.

Not that feeding off that homeless man was much of a hunt. She knew it was just preying on the weak but that’s what she had been reduced to and she was working on being content with it. Because if she ever did let her natural instincts run completely free, she wouldn’t live long enough to look back and see the carnage. Laws don’t bend for vampires. And of course, Caius definitely wouldn’t approve. He would be furious if he found out about her little sneaky bites here and there. Well, maybe not furious. That wasn’t his style. But he’d be disappointed. And somehow the silent treatment was worse that if he screamed in her face.

So Evie froze and thought about her next move. If she was feeling the swelling urge to attack, chances were that other vampires in the vicinity would feel it to. You can’t go walking around with a cut like that out in the dead of night these days.

Evie made herself known and retracted her fangs. “Excuse me,” she said, her voice echoing in the emptiness.

The man took a sharp intake of breath and spun round, his dark eyes wide and set on her. She nodded down to his cradled hand. “You need to get to a hospital. Like, now.”

The man whimpered and staggered closer. Eve panicked and took a careful step back but the man was still closing the distance between them. He lifted his hand up to her. The bold was thick, running in rivulets across his palm and down his wrist. The hunger stirred deep in her stomach like a beast awakening.

“Does it really look that bad?” he asked, practically waving his wound in her face.

Then Evie felt it. The push against her gums. She tried to overpower the instinct but it was too late. Her fangs sprang free, the click ringing in her ears. The man’s eyebrows rose in shock but he didn’t seem frightened, which surprised her. In fact, it was almost as if he were expecting it.

“Now!”

A blinding light caught Evie off guard and she cowered, shielding her eyes with her hands.

Someone was behind her. But before she could spin around, something was dropped on her head, covering her face like a blanket. No…not a blanket; a net. A net of silver. She screamed as it singed her skin, melting into her cheeks and forehead. Arms wrapped around her stomach. She kicked and screamed but the agony she was experiencing had weakened her and she couldn’t fight back. There was someone in front of her too. She couldn’t see as her face burned, her skin peeling from her like cheese off a pizza.

She wondered if it was the man she was about to bite. She could smell blood. But was it her own blood?

The arms around her stomach were pulling her backwards. Her legs felt like jelly and she collapsed against the body. They dragged her out of the alley, her boots scraping the ground. She whimpered, trying to scream but it felt like her lips had been torn away.

A heavy bang of a van door opening made her flinch, just before the pain took her under and she was out cold.


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Tue Feb 28, 2017 6:31 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi again!

Specifics

1.

She always chose Michael because he looked the most like Caius, or so they told her at Dial-a-bite when she went to their building and showed them a picture of him last year when he was away on one of his breaks. He has had come three times in the week Caius has been missing.


2.
She shook her head and returned to Earth. She pulled on a smile and said, “Would you like some tea?” in the most cheeriest voice she could manage.
This should either be 'most cheerful' or 'cheeriest'.

3.
She shook her head and sniffed as a hot tear ran down her cheek and stained her vision red. He finally turned to look and at her and recoiled a little at the sight. She shook her head and wiped her palm over her cheek. “I’m so sorry. Pretty gross, I know.” She looked down at the crimson smeared across her shaking hand.


4. What's Evie's thought on how uncomfortable Michael clearly is to be in her presence - does it make her feel angry or sad or ashamed? Does she sometimes think about switching to someone who might be more accommodating but choose not to because he looks like Caius?

5. I think the time transition needs to be smoother - she has only just got back from the club when she calls Michael and suddenly it's time to go again? What does she do during the day? Does she sleep? Are these the kind of vampires who can go out at day? It's fine to not answer that straight away but the reader needs to know what Evie does when she's not at work to make her character feel more fleshed out.

6.
It was almost nine so she went upstairs to get ready for her shift at the club. She stripped out of her pyjamas and replaced them with her boring black jeans, black vest and leather jacket. As she hung up her dressing gown, the bloody tissue slipped out of the pocket and dropped to the ground. She picked it up and threw it in the bin with all the rest. If someone went through her rubbish bins over this last week, it’d look like someone had been mauled to death judging by how many bloody crisped tissues there were.
I'm not sure that crisped is the right adjective here - it sounds a little awkward and isn't providing a strong image.

7.
Her ugly, clunky boots were waiting for her by the door when she jumped down the stairs. She shoved them on, locked up and vampire sprinted her way into the town centre, just around the corner from Sourz. Conscious of her pale skin in the winter’s chill, she slapped her cheeks to bring some colour to them and started down the street, remembering to breathe and create little white puffs of air.
If she's trying to look human then surely she has to try to run like a human as well? This seems to suggest she's running abnormally fast...

8.
The night in the club was easy going until a fight broke out at one in the morning. From the shouting and balling Evie could make out as she pushed passed onlookers to get to the rowdy ground crowd of twenty-somethings, one of the guys was looking at the other one's bird and getting a little too handsy. Evie wasn’t surprised that he had been staring when she saw the state of the guy’s girlfriend with fake tan, white-blonde extensions and a dress so short she found herself staring as well. But for a different reason. Did she own a mirror?


9.
The girl's jaw slackened and she nodded dumbly.
In the last chapter you mentioned that Evie hadn't used her compulsion in months so why does this situation warrant it? Is this her acting out again? It seems very contradictory.

10.
“For fuck sake!” Pete spun to her. “What the fuck has gotten into you? Did Robbie do something? I swear I am going to kick that fucker's teeth in!”


11.
When she walked past and an alley, her head cocked at a noise. A muffled hiss of pain. It was quiet but not for her due to her vampire hearing. She squinted into the darkness and caught sight of a figure staggering with its back to her in the grey darkness. She paused at the mouth of the alley. Her eyes brightened as she sniffed the air. Blood. He was bleeding.


12.
Her natural instincts to hunt was sometimes hard to ignore. And it was rearing its ugly head again.


13.
The man whimpered and staggered closer. Evie panicked and took a careful step back but the man was still closing the distance between them. He lifted his hand up to her. The bold blood was thick, running in rivulets across his palm and down his wrist. The hunger stirred deep in her stomach like a beast awakening.


Overall

I enjoyed this chapter better, though I think there's still some work to do on the world building to make this feel real and to provide the right atmosphere. Which is fine, it's always the hardest thing to get right at the start as you have to balance how many details you give with telling an entertaining story! The end of this chapter had a nice level of tension and worked better than the start and I think the storytelling starts to flow better by that point as you're describing more of what's happening instead of feeding us facts about Caius/ Michael/ how things work in the world.

Back again soon!

~Heather






Howdy again!

4. Evie is hurt by how Michael acts around her, 'She swallowed a lump in her throat, squashing down her hurt', she tries to be over friendly to make him feel more welcome but the man is obviously there just to do his job, nothing more.

5. I'll look into the time thing. It's because, without Caius, Evie does nothing in the time between sleeping and going to work. I'll make that more clear. And I've mentioned already that there are shutters on the windows of the house to block the sunlight out and have also said how the sun makes vampires drowsy.

7. She uses her vampire sprinting for convenience but makes sure that no one sees her, which I think is understandable. If I could get somewhere in a flash, I'd use it too.

9. Yes, if it's not mentioned here, it is in my edit. Evie is acting up again and using her compulsion to get Caius' attention.

The world building does take time because I don't like spoon feeding my readers and the chapters being really info-dumpy. So I just give enough to push the story on and add more when needed.

Thanks for the review and I'm glad you want to read on :)



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Mon Jan 16, 2017 10:03 pm
MeatBunCat wrote a review...



Hai! MeatBunCat here again!

He looked around the hallway as if it were the first time he had entered and said, “Twenty pounds for the wrist, fifty for the neck and a hundred in any other area.”

dirty talk~

She always chose Michael because he looked the most like Caius, or so they told her at Dial-a-bite

I'm curious if her interest is romantic, or born out of instinctive loyalty. Since the last chapter didn't really explain that well.

She swallowed a lump in her throat, squashing down her hurt from his abruptness and mumbled, “Okay.”

I'm surprised she's surprised. Even if she is nieve, I would imagine that service would run into the worst of the vampire world just as much as the best. So of course everyone working there, even if normally accepting of that kind of creature, would grow weary.

He paused in the hallway and turned to her. She smiled and nodded to the two puncture wounds clearly visible on his throat. “Let me heal you.”

The whole idea of a vampire that can heal is weird to me. Where did you get the idea from?

“I am not your mate!” the guy –Pete- shoved his finger in Eric’s face.

pffff

Laws don’t bend for vampires.

I can't tell if she realizes how weird it would be if they did.

---------

Thoughts: Well that was a nice obvious trap to end on.






Hello!

The people who work for Dial-a-bite are labelled as 'blood whores' so yeah... their job is pretty dirty.

She wants familiarity, that's why she chose Michael. And that's why she pulls out his pony tail so he would look more like Caius.

She just thought that because she had been ordering him for a while and had they had been in each others company for a while that they had grown some sort of relationship, but he still just sees her as a paying customer.

Its common in a lot of vampire stuff that vampire blood has the power to heal. Seeing as they can heal themselves really fast - it makes sense that it has healing abilities.

In this world, the laws bend for humans - so there Evie is pointing out the irony. She is a vampire jealous of others humanity so she is a little spiteful.

After just saying that many bar fights end in blood so Evie's 'fear' makes her bad at her job, now it is obvious that someone injured in the street is a trap? He could have been injured from a fight. I think it's obvious because you - as the reader is looking for something- it wouldn't be obvious for Evie.



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Tue Feb 09, 2016 3:44 pm
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megsug wrote a review...



Heyo~
Back as promised this time! Read through the reviews. Hope I don't repeat anything.

Whoa. That ending was pretty intense though.

Just a few things. I'm pretty sad that Michael isn't going to make a second appearance, but I think there are a few things about him that I want to bring up.
First, what's the point? The interaction with Michael wasn't to bring in a new character or move plot along. I don't understand what it was doing there at all. This chapter seems to be two thirds filler and then bam kidnapping.
Second, he's the cool cucumber of a Dial-a-bite employee who just wants to get the job done and doesn't want to get too close to his customers. He's experienced. A veteran, you could say... So why is he flinching when her fangs come into play? He does it at least three times. It doesn't mesh with the rest of his behavior.

I see why you put the fight in there and all that, but I think since you mentioned the glamouring in the last chapter, you can wait for a practical reason for Evie to use glamouring. Until then, you can build up the suspense of exactly what glamouring will look like by continuing to make references until it comes up naturally in the story. That scene just felt very forced and unnecessary.

I see that you're trying not to just jump into kidnapping, and I think that's smart. I just wish that the scenes leading up to were in someway relevant. Wouldn't Evie want to save Casius now? Wouldn't she try to prepare to do so or try to figure out where she is? I would much rather see that because I think it makes more sense as a reaction then not even reflecting on the dream once this chapter.

And Evie is such a jerk! A) Eric totally had that situation under control. He wasn't even bothered by that girl. The glamouring wasn't necessary.
B) Evie took delight in that girl's confusion! How awful!

Finally, you had this one bit that rubbed me the wrong way:

Not that feeding off that homeless man was much of a hunt. She knew it was just preying on the weak but that’s what she had been reduced to and she was working on being content with it. Because if she ever did let her natural instincts run completely free, she wouldn’t live long enough to look back and see the carnage. Laws don’t bend for vampires.

"Laws don't bend for vampires." ...Laws about killing people?
I understand that you're going for the humans are the bad guy kind of spin on things, and that's great. I think it has to be acknowledged that vampires have the capacity to kill people, and there are laws in place to discourage them from doing so just as there are laws discouraging humans from killing people.
Humans are the bad guy because they don't think vampires have the capacity to control themselves, and don't give them a chance. If Evie is doing anything, she's proving them right. There's so much infrastructure to give vampires a chance of success. Evie needs to stop targeting people on the street.

For real.

Anyways~
For a minor character that's only going to show up once, I actually thought Eric had a lot of masterful characterization that demonstrates your talent. I think that's just made more important by the fact that you put so much personality into a character that won't mean much in the long run. I was very impressed.

I'll hit up chapter 3 soon enough.
Megs~






Howdy!

The point of Michaels interaction was a) to show how the Dial-a-bite service works, because I know if I just told and didn't show, people would be like 'you can't just explain everything, we need to SEE it too, and b) to show how pathetic Evie is right now. She had to order a Dial-a-bite employee over just so she wasn't alone. She was really disheartened that he wouldn't accept her tea. She's a mess, and c) to show that attraction is also a big key to vampires appetites. They like to feed on those that they are attracted to so feeding is also kinda sexual, hence why Evie drank a little more of Michael than she should have because he reminds her of Caius.

And about Michael flinching. Yes, he's a Dial-a-bite employee and gets bitten a lot, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though! Haha.

Evie isn't trying to save Caius because she simply can't. She has no leads other than a very bizarre Cry for Help that she doesn't really understand.

Yes, Evie took delight in glamouring the girl because hey, she's a vampire, she's a little sadistic. If I had that talent, I'd revel in it too. A lot of vampire's are kinda jerks.

Just because Evie is the main character (at this point) doesn't mean she cant have flaws. She acts out because of her frustration. Yes, she is proving the humans right but how many times have you see that before. When someone is constantly told they can't do this, can't do that, it makes them want to rebel more. Evie is trying to be a good vampire but she's only 100 years old, and for a vampire, that's not very long when it comes to self control.

'I think it has to be acknowledged that vampires have the capacity to kill people, and there are laws in place to discourage them from doing so just as there are laws discouraging humans from killing people.' - That is an underlying thread throughout the novel, with the Vampire Court and Lady Sylvia on the T.V. The whole Equal Rights Movement for vampires brings all of that to attention.

And Eric pops up again, don't worry. I'm not done with him yet. I'm glad you like him, he is a minor character but I think he brings something to the novel.

Thanks for the review and I hope everything's a little clearer now. I just like characters that blur the lines. Are they good? Are they bad? And I know some people don't like that.



megsug says...


Well... I like Eric too, but I meant Michael. XD My bad!

So, I don't care if Evie is good or bad. She's your character. The problem I think I have is that your narrator is constantly defending Evie. (I disagree though. She's acting out in frustration at what? Being told not to kill people? I'm constantly told I can't rob a bank, and I don't want to do it any more than I did a year ago. I don't "act out" by shop lifting.) I think I wouldn't be so bothered by the fact that killing humans continues to be defended and excuses made for it if Evie was directly defending herself. I'm guilty of merging my narration and my characters' thoughts too. I think some rewording, maybe some italics would clear that up. Right now the message of "It's okay for vampires to kill humans" is not just Evie's message. It's the novel's message.

I'm just replying to random parts of your message... but these scenes showing Dial-a-bite and glamouring (It wasn't a criticism of Evie that she took joy in the girl's confusion, btw, just an observation. I'll make that more clear in the future) are not doing your story a favor. They slow it down. They distract. This is only chapter two! I'm not really worried about glamoring or Dial-a-bite (to be honest they both seem like pretty straight forward concepts from chapter 1 and proved to be in chapter 2). I'm worried about Casius.

Even if Evie can't do anything about Casius. She doesn't even think about him except in that weird lust-y scene with Michael. If you're going to say that she can't do anything to help him (though there isn't a place he would have likely been last that she could check out? A friend she could talk to?), the reader needs to see her come to that conclusion.

I just want to reiterate, I don't think Evie should be good. I do think that Evie's logic should make sense, and a lot of the time it isn't which is why you're left leaving long replies to people's reviews, explaining where she's coming from. Just let us in Evie's mind more, I think. Slow down and let us see what she's thinking.

I too like characters that "blur the lines." Straight forward characters are boring, but a character's actions have to make sense.





Yeah, I think the issue is the tone of the novel as a whole. The tone is intentional though, everything I've done is intentional and most of my long winded replies are just re-iterating that or explaining that you're not supposed to understand Evie, if you did right away, she would be a pretty lousy character.

Evie is not supposed to relate to you specifically. Of course not everyone is rebellious but I'm saying it happens. There is a very distinct reason why Evie is the way she is, why she can't really cope with living by the rules. All my characters have layers, you're not going to understand them all completely after only reading the first two chapters. If you read the whole thing and still think Evie is just a jerk then I've obviously done something wrong, but right now, I don't expect you to understand her.

My narrator is passive, it doesn't have an opinion. It's not condoning Evie's behaviour, but also isn't admonishing it. You're right, I have integrated Evie into the narrator, and later, when the POV changes, the style also slightly changes to fit the new main character. I've done it on purpose. The subject matter of this novel is kinda bleak, so I wanted the straight-forward, bluntness of the narrator to give a sort of dark humour to the whole thing which I specifically like. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but that's what being a writer is about. Most of my characters aren't very moral and so yeah, I guess neither is my narrator and if you don't like that then I guess this just isn't your type of novel. My stuff isn't going to be liked by everyone. I've just got to stick to your guns and write what I love.

Okay, so you could say right now, after only reading two chapters that you think that is the message of the novel and that's fine because as I keep saying, it has layers. You're not going to think the same thing at the end. Just because Evie hasn't being punished right now for her mistakes, who says she won't in the long run? I mean... she's just been kidnapped.

Evie constantly thinks about Caius. He is constantly being mentioned. As you said, the narrator and Evie's character do mesh together so when the narrator is mentioning Caius, he's on Evie's mind.

And the scenes are meant to slow the novel down. It's a slow burner. This novel isn't supposed to jam-packed full of action. Think of it more like 'Only Lovers Left Alive' than 'Underworld'. Just because its a novel about vampires, doesn't mean it has to be big and dramatic and fancy. This novel focuses mainly on love, loss and loyalty at its rawest - and... it happens to be about vampires. And so yeah... it can be a bit slow. I'm not denying that, again, it's intentional.

Also, Evie's life drastically changes after this chapter so I wanted to lay some ground work before everything goes tits up. Its what I do when I write novels, I want the character to be introduced and the world to be built a little, enough for the reader to feel comfortable, before shit starts hitting the fan.



megsug says...


I'm sorry if I implied that your long replies aren't good. That wasn't my intention.

I don't need Evie to relate to me specifically. I don't relate to Lestat at all, but I understand why he does what he does even though I certainly wouldn't do the same. I'm also not saying I should understand your character as soon as I meet them, but I should understand what they do. You keep saying I will later, but if I had picked this off a shelf, I wouldn't wait for later to get to know her. I'd be tired of her seemingly meaningless responses to stimuli. Again, I don't care that Evie is a jerk right now. My favorite characters are characters that are originally jerks. Boromir for example.

You can't have a passive narrator and a narrator that's also melded with the character. While your narrator may never say anything that blatantly supports or defies Evie, it implies support with the way they explain human laws. The part I quoted in the review is obviously biased.

Caius is not constantly mentioned, and even if he was this idea that Evie and the narrator are intertwined is not obvious for a reader to understand without further explanation.

You are pretending you know what my reading preferences are to wave away my review. If Evie/the narrator had a good reason for not liking the law that keeps vampires from killing humans, even if that law was not "moral" like "Vampires are superior. We're meant to wipe out humans" or "Humans have been crap to us, so I don't care if I kill them." I would be happy. As it is, she/the narrator haven't expressed why she does or feels most things, and I'm left with "I want to kill people but the humans are the bad guys."

I'm sure your novel has more than one message. All novels do. I'm just saying that's what's coming off.

There's a good way to have a slow novel and a bad way. Even in a slow novel, most of what happens matters. At the very least the scene is introducing a new character or showing us a previously unseen facet of a character. To be honest, if you want to lay down a foundation of what's normal for Evie, you need more than two chapters of this length. I know that sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I would really love to have more time to get to know Evie before everything goes crazy.

Also, and this is really the most important part of my post, none of this is personal. Maybe I'll start putting in a few more compliments in my reviews of The Progeny because there is a lot I do admire like the character building. If I ever step over a line (or if I already have o.o), please let me know. I'm just trying to help. The last thing I'd want to do is offend you.





You haven't stepped out of line or offended me, don't worry. I rather enjoy feedback like this because it shows what people pick up on, and what you have is a lot of what I wanted. It also makes me pull apart my own story and find things I hadn't noticed before.

Evie is basically all over the place when it comes to the laws and what she wants to do is because she's had a very sheltered life as a vampire. It has been hinted at in these chapters by the fact she has to hide who she is and has to order Michael to just to have someone to talk to. It's constantly hinted at throughout the novel and around the middle it is very prominent and causes serious problems.

I just don't believe you have to understand the intentions or reasons for the way a character is right away. This has left you thinking why is Evie drinking from a homeless person if she doesn't even like the taste of his blood? I want you to think that. And if you don't read on, you wouldn't know. I obviously want my readers to keep reading.

And things do go a bit crazy after this chapter but that doesn't mean I've stopped the world building and showing what her life is like. That also might sound like a contradiction but it does make sense. I just can't explain without giving away the story.

I hope you do keep reading and hopefully pick up on what I'm trying to explain haha.



megsug says...


I will keep reading~
Mmm... I still don't agree with you. I don't think that's incentive to read on. It's just confusing.
That's okay~





One persons curiosity is another persons confusion haha, we'll agree to disagree :)



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Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:00 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Miss Ganga!

So as requested I am going to start reviewing your novel. I have read all the previous chapters but I saw that they had received some really great reviews already, and I decided there was nothing that I could add on top of what was already said! So I've decided to only focus on the chapters where I feel like giving some feedback could be handy and then leave the others alone :3 I hope you don't mind that! So far what I can say is that I really like the idea you have here. I like my vampire stories, and this one sounds promising. You've also put some unique little twists into here like Makers being able to give called to the progencies, and the idea of the vampires crying book - which makes sense seeing as we have so much water in us as well as humans. The whole load of world building seems to be done so well. The idea of vampires and humans living together and having political arguments and all makes me smile.

One thing that bothers me about this chapter is how calm Evie is after receiving the call from her maker. She knows that he is being punished and tortured in a horrible way. Sure, she is not being summoned so she doesn't know how to help but she is acting the calm way that someone would when they are on holiday, not when they are off being tortured by who knows who. I think there needs to be a whole lot more panic in this chapter and that desperation should be more so translated into the visit with Michael and how much she is wishing he would be there.

Another thing is while she is working away at work and the whole argument between the boyfriend and girlfriend the fight Evie breaks up using influence... the whole thing felt sort of like a filler? I don't know if I mind it much or not (I know, that's not helpful) but I felt like it was worth seeing her work the influence in some way as well. Not sure where I stand on that point but thought I should mention it anyway. ^.^

in the most cheeriest voice she could manage.

“No, I’m good,” he replied in his low, gruff voice, avoiding eye contact.

Caius’ voice was


I feel like you have the repetition of the words 'voice' a little bit too much here. Don't put the stress on different voices all too close together!

But he’d be disappointed. And somehow the silent treatment was worse that if he screamed in her face.


I think you mean 'than' instead of 'that!'

That's all I have to say for this chapter. Not too much, because your chapters pretty much slaying it. Looking forward to when I get the chance to read more! <3

Deanie x






Hello! Thanks for reading!

I'm really glad you like this seeing as though you're into vampire stories - I wanted to do them justice! And yeah, it's mainly the chapters that have little reviews that I'd like some help with so that's fine :)

I haven't read this back in a very long time so I'll have a look back at Evie's mood/reaction and see if I can sort something out. The part about Evie compelling the girl was to show vampires abilities instead of having to tell it. It was to also show how Evie is good at her job haha.

I'll see you on the other chapters!



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Dragongirl wrote a review...



Hey, first off I want to apologize for taking so long to get to this. I have been super busy in the past month however I should have at least let you know I wouldn't be able to get to this right away. So just know the huge time lapse wasn't because I didn't like your story. :)

Now to the review!

I liked this chapter. I found Micheal interesting for sure. I would like to see more of him in the future. His similarity as well as his differences to Evie's maker make him fascinating for me as the reader. I enjoyed the scene with him quite a lot.

Before I say these next few things i would like to stress that they are my options so please don't take offense if I have misinterpreted your writing.

I feel like Evie would have been found out as a vampire already with how long she has worked at the bar and how careless she appears to be. One, she seems pretty ready to use her powers and two, she seems to have a difficult time controlling her blood lust. Also this is a pet peeve of mine but I really dislike characters that show up in in the same scenes together with similar names. Eric and Evie. They are, of course, totally different sounding names, but they both start with E and have four letters. If you are a speed reader, or not a careful reader this can be annoy and confusing.

Your spelling and grammar looks pretty good to me.

You leave your readers with a hook right at the end of your chapter, hats off to you there. Always a good thing.

Over all this is a good chapter, you continue to pick up the pace of the action in your story at a steady and I think maintainable pace.

Thanks for the read.

DG






No problem! I wondered why you had suddenly just disappeared haha.

Michael is only in this chapter but I'm glad you found him so interesting as to want to see more of him.

Evie interacts with very few people and has grown close to those few people and when you "think" you know someone well, you don't seem to notice the little warning signs. And Evie can control her bloodlust in the moment but when she is hungry, she needs to drink quite soon afterwards.

I see what you mean about Evie and Eric, I thought the same but I like both names and they're not actually in that many scenes together. If I think of a better name for Eric, I might change it.

Thanks for the review and I'm glad then ending hooked you in :P



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Wed Sep 17, 2014 3:26 pm
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Hi there! I'm here to rescue your work from the green room!

First of all, I really enjoyed this, even though vampires are one of my least favorite subjects to read about-- how overdone are they? But I did enjoy this. Your writing is good, and you have a good instinct for where to end things.

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address.

I haven't read the other chapters, so I don't know if you've explained the hypnotizing trick with the eyes earlier, but if you have, the whole scuffle in the bar would be unnecessary. Unless you bring back those characters later. I just don't know exactly what purpose it served, and you should take out everything that isn't needed.

I felt like some of the characters were too cool. Michael felt like some fantasy hard rock boy that was included simply because he was hot. He is cold, yes, but I'd give him some kind of other flaw. Also, it's cool that your MC is... cool, but maybe you could give her a few less cool items of clothing. Boots, a leather jacket, a vest... it all kind of sounds like an anime character's outfit, and I feel like it shouldn't. This doesn't really feel like that kind of piece.

Anyway, I really did enjoy this. I hope that you find this review helpful! Happy writing!






Haha, thank you! Much appreciated!

I seem to get that reaction quite a lot, which I love! I was really hoping this story would be one even someone who isn't interested in vampires could enjoy :D It is a very cram-packed genre so I just really hope this just doesn't get thrown in with the rest without a second glance.

The 'glamouring' was mentioned in an off-the-cuff comment in chapter 1 but it wasn't explained. That part in the chapter was put in to show the readers what it actually is :) And also to give the reader more of an idea of who Evie is. She thinks vampires are oppressed and hates society for the bad rep they give them but she also doesn't play rules sometimes... So it is needed :)

Haha, 'too cool' that's a good problem to have XD You thought Michael was hot? That wasn't really intentional haha. I guess he does have some sort of cool, aloofness which some people find attractive? He's an extremely minor character. He's only in this chapter so he doesn't really need much fleshing out. I put him in to show what the Dial-a-bite service is and how it works. And Evie wears that outfit because it's easy for her job, she's supposed to wear all black. It's not only animes that can wear vests and boots :P It's my go-to outfit actually haha. And I like my vamps to be cool anyway ;)

Thank you so much again for reviewing and I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! :D



magpie says...


It's also my go-to outfit, but (sorry if this was unclear) I felt that the descriptions of Michael's outfit and Evie's outfit were too close together in proximity and similarity. That's what I was saying. Too much cool in so little time.



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Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:30 pm
Sonder says...



Yessss. Ah! So good. I love the world you have imagined. It is so interesting, and your characters are very believable. I am enjoying this immensely! Thank you. Can't wait to find out what happened to her. O.O






Thank you so much :D



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Wed Aug 20, 2014 11:50 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



When Michael asks about him still not being back it is unclear whether she is feeding or not at that point.

Thank you so much. I'm in the middle of a free period at school and I was so bored! Thank you for entertaining me for a few minutes.

I'm on my phone so I won't do nit-picks. You had a few typos here and there but I'm sure someoneelse will show you where they are. Your sentence structure and grammar is a little out - iparticular you sometimes switch tenses at random points. Other than that the flow (and pace) are very good.

I'm also very impressed by your knowledge of vampire lore and your characterisation of Evie :)

Well done :)






Haha, glad I entertained you :) Gah, I thought I had that switching tenses thing under control! Dammit. I'll give it a look over :P Thanks for pointing it out.

I love vampires and watch/read a lot about them so my vampires in this story are sort of a mash up of everything I've picked up :P

Thanks for the review ^_^



ExOmelas says...


Just so you know, the tense thing comes up at very specific times. It's usually when you're talking about when 'Caius will be back', where it should be would/could/should depending on the situation.

And you're welcome :)




The mind of man is capable of anything - because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness