z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Blood Pet- Prologue

by Chaotic Romance


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

My chest jerked up and down as I attempted to slow my breathing and calm myself down enough to think clearly.

This couldn't be happening.

It just couldn't be.

These kinds of things only happened in movies, not in real life.

But even as the thoughts ran through my head, I knew that this was very real and no matter how many times I pinched myself, I was not going to wake up from this nightmare.

I gulped as I heard the door open; light from outside suddenly flooded the room and I scooted under the desk that I had hidden behind a few seconds earlier, in order to avoid being seen. I needn't have bothered; the intruder already knew I was in here, if my heavy breathing wasn't clue enough to my presence than my extremely loud heartbeat was.

I stifled a gasp as the door was suddenly closed and the room was thrown into pitch-blackness once again.

A low, dark chuckle filled the room and I shuddered as I heard the shoes slowly approach the desk.

"I know you're in here, girl. I can hear and smell you." he said, pausing halfway across the room. "Now, why don't you come out and make this easier on you and me? If you do, I promise it won't hurt…much."

He was lying.

It looked downright painful to the others who had already had their lives drained from their bodies. The lifeless eyes still staring and their mouths forever formed into a horrified "O".

This was all my fault, if I hadn't seen that ad in the paper for the new night club in town then I wouldn't be here right now. I was the only one left of a decent sized crowd who had come to the club's opening night. I just had to check it out since anything new in this boring town in the middle of nowhere, Georgia was always nice.

I wasn't expecting it to be a trap set by creatures that were only supposed to be in books and movies.

Vampires.

Even thinking the name made me shiver.

I stopped my mental ramblings long enough to notice that he hadn't said anything for the past couple of minutes, nor had I heard him come any closer. The door hadn't opened while I was thinking so he was obviously still in the room. I just had to figure out where he was before he –

I squealed as a hand came out of nowhere, dragged me out from under the desk, and slammed me roughly against the hard surface. I gulped at the red eyes that stared back at me; they were the only light in the otherwise dark room.

I whimpered as I was yanked to my feet by my neck. I could barely breathe as he squeezed my windpipe to the point that I thought he might make it collapse. The idea of suffocating to death truly terrified me; ever since I had come within seconds of drowning when I was younger, I absolutely hated having my lungs constricted either in the water or on land. I struggled and screamed, attempting to kick him where it hurt, but his legs were positioned in such a way that that was near impossible.

"You just had to make this difficult, didn't you?" he asked, not even sounding like he was exerting much effort to keep me still. I attempted to kick him again which only caused him to chuckle before he continued, "You just couldn't go nice and quietly like your little friends, hmm?" I knew it was a rhetorical question, so I didn't answer. Though, I wouldn't have otherwise, I was still too busy trying to find a way to get his hands unwrapped from my neck. He continued, completely ignoring my struggles, "Though, then again… I always did like the chase, so maybe it's a good thing that you have more fight in you then your pathetic little friends. Tame prey that doesn't fight back is just so boring," he yanked my head within inches of his own, "tell your little friends that I say 'hi', especially little Tara, she was such a sweet girl. Though, I have a feeling that you'll be sweeter."

At the mention of my best friend, I nearly went berserk, lashing out at any part of his body I could get my hands and feet on. I would have screamed at him but his hand prevented anything understandable from leaving my mouth. How dare he talk about killing as if he was talking about the weather.

He chuckled darkly, the action made me shiver uncontrollably.

"Hit a soft spot, did I?"

I jumped at the sound of his soft voice so close to my very exposed neck.

"Well, it's been nice, my sweet, but all this running has made me especially hungry and I just can't wait any longer."

I struggled uselessly, trying to get away from his lowering mouth, but it didn't do much good, if any, at all.

I shuddered as I felt his fangs graze my exposed throat, his tongue quickly followed, the roughness made me cringe and scrunch my nose in disgust. I braced myself for the initial bite, and I didn't have to wait long.

I screamed as his fangs finally sank painfully into my neck, I attempted to shove him away, but soon realized that doing so would cause the skin to tear and thus, causing me more pain. I could hear him sucking greedily at the blood that surfaced, forcing it out and making my ordeal all that more painful.

I could feel myself become weaker and weaker as he took more and more and my vision darkened and I knew I was going to die in a few more minutes.

The door suddenly banged open and I heard a loud female scream followed by a very loud masculine curse. I vaguely recognized the voice, but was too gone to actually figure out where I had heard it before. My attacker was yanked hard from my body; an action that made me cry out because his teeth had still been lodged in my throat. I lay there, partially dazed from the attack; feeling myself losing consciousness. I vaguely wondered why it had taken me so long to reach this point. My eyelids were growing heavy, but I forced them open; determined to see the face of the person who now held me in an almost death grip. I stared up into a face with light blue eyes and whose features were formed into a look of pure satisfaction.

I weakly attempted to struggle; I would take death over being with him, but I had lost too much blood and my limbs refused to cooperate. With one final sigh, I finally could no longer fight the growing need to sleep and I lost consciousness completely.


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223 Reviews


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:06 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello Chaotic Romance!

I know, I shouldn't be reading this, but it was totally worth it! On a quick note: Won't she turn into a vampire after being bitten? Or is it a little different? I like the suspense at the end, who is "him"? Makes you want to read every chapter afterwards. And how could "he" overpower the vampire? Is he one too? I guess I shouldn't be asking these questions because they will be answered in chapters to come, but I can't resist! See you on the next chapter!

~Kelpies.




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129 Reviews


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 3:31 pm
ulala8 wrote a review...



I quite enjoyed this. It nicely illustrates the struggles not only of a person being taken by a vampire, but a person being sucked into a new and frightening world. I truly love this and I'll certainly read the next chapter. This means that this will probably be the first full story that I follow until the end. That's an accomplishment.

However, there are a few things that I need to say.

To increase the stress of the situation, you should use shorter sentences. Get your thoughts out in quick bursts. If you were hiding from a vampire, you wouldn't be illustrating a monologue in your head. No, you wouldn't have time. You can use longer sentences once your MC has been bitten into, but I would still avoid it.

"The lifeless eyes still staring and their mouths forever formed into a horrified "O"."
This is a sentence fragment.

"The idea of suffocating to death truly terrified me; ever since I had come within seconds of drowning when I was younger,"
I would recommend instead of TELLING us that your MC had almost been drowned at a young age, you conjure up a flashback of that very incident. Show, don't tell.

And that's all. Just be weary of sentence fragments. ;)
Happy Review Day.




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Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:23 am
Masquerade wrote a review...



Hi. Happy Review Day! I thought this was a pretty good start. You seem to have a good sense of flow as far as the story itself goes. Here's a few nitpicks and odd things I noticed.

"It looked downright painful to the others who had already had their lives drained from their bodies."

This wording seems odd. The phrase "to the others" makes it seem like it was "the others" who were witnessing the painful experience. This tripped me up a bit the first time I read it.

"Though, I wouldn't have otherwise, I was still too busy trying to find a way to get his hands unwrapped from my neck."

This confused me. Why wouldn't she have otherwise?

"...realized that doing so would cause the skin to tear and thus, causing me more pain"

Here "causing" should be "cause" but that aside this phrasing just seems a bit odd. You have a strange way of wording things sometimes where it feels like there are more words being put into a sentence than are necessary, and sometimes I feel like you do more explaining than is necessary. You also use passive voice quite a bit, and a lot of "ing" and "as" phrases, which are not necessarily bad, but variety is important.

As far as the story itself, I thought it was good. I think I might have liked to have the reveal that it was vampires after her come later, though. It diffuses some of the tension, and you want to keep up some attention at the beginning of the story to keep the reader interested.

I'll finish up with one thing I really liked:

"...she was such a sweet girl. Though, I have a feeling that you'll be sweeter."

I love how this has a double meaning with the word "sweet." Very clever.

Good work and happy writing!

-Masq




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Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:06 pm
JohnWayne wrote a review...



Hey there!

(this is a disclaimer I put on all reviews)

Some background. I'm a professional editor. I do this kind of work for a job.You're most likely going to be a little shocked to see the amount of edits on your first couple of pages. That's OK. I promise you that professional authors are seeing the same amount on their drafts.

I've edited your writing and posted through Google Docs. Don't feel like I'm being overly harsh - this is how editing works in the professional world and any feelings of cold-heartedness on my part are only perceived and do not reflect how I feel about your writing. All editors want to do their job well, and our jobs are to help you become the best writers you can.

You have great potential! You seem to have a good grasp on flow and story-telling mechanics. I didn't feel lost or bored during your scene. I'd love to work with more of your writing as I think that with even more practice and experience you'd make an excellent author.

Some running themes in my edits.

Avoid adverbs!
Break up your sentences to allow more powerful writing and keep the writing engaged.

Any questions let me know!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zVh ... sp=sharing






Wow!

I don't even know how to respond to you... I am not offended by your critique though. I have just never gotten such a thorough critique of my work, so I kind of don't know how to handle it! :)

A lot of the stuff you point out, I have struggled with in my writing my whole life really. I kind of suck when it comes to some writing technique... one of the reasons why I don't teach language arts really..

Anyway, thank you so much for your critique.

If you're interested, I will be posting the next chapter soon! :)



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58 Reviews


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Wed Aug 20, 2014 4:46 am
heavymetal247 says...



Amazing! I love the fact that there is vampires in your story. The imagery was amazingly precise and on point, which I love because it's like you're the character dealing with this suspenseful situation. I don't see any problems with your writing, well in my opinion. All I hope is that you continue writing your story, I'm on the edge of the cliff here! XD Awesome job!






Thanks!

Glad you liked it!




If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison