Young Writers Society

Hello! First of all, before I read your story, I would like to give you a high five for writing about something that's actually happening. I'm not if this is meant to be a scary novel, but it will certainly be frightening because it's so relevant! So well done on that. Okay, now I'll read it...

It's great how you talked about past diseases. How they were so devastating at the time, but now they are just legends talk about in classrooms. That goes with my theory on gods and faeries and myths; how people used to believe in them but now they don't. Anyway, your introduction is fine, but it could be split into two paragraphs. One new paragraph when you first mention Ebola.

For your first chapter, you have a good conversation going. Your formatting is a big wrong, though. You need a new line when a different person talks. I suggest you google how to write speech. That is the only thing I found wrong with it, though. Your scene was believable and well written.

Good job overall, I'll head over and chapter two now!

Hi.
So the first thing that struck me about this work, was that it's an interesting (and very difficult) topic to write about unless you've actually been there and experienced it.
I'm guessing you did a lot of research about this - considering as it has been all over the news. But at the same time, there is something about this that just doesn't read as real.

I looked and all five were almost dead in the center of the human shaped target. I am most definitely qualified in some ways.

What's his problem now" I asked with a groan.

Hiya! Not a review, just a little note. Nobody is expecting Ebola to become an apocalypse or anything. Why? Well, to be infected, you have to come into contact with the bodily fluids of a contaminated person. That makes it very easy to spread in 3rd world countries and such, but the rest of the world is mostly good. Now, if you like, you can certainly use Ebola as the disease in your story. Creative freedom and all. But I would recommend a made-up disease, because you don't have to obey by its laws, you can just do whatever you want. But the story looks great! I love a good apocalypse.

Hey Ozzie!

Alright, time to enter the hysterical, panicky world of the Ebola virus.

I find this chapter, or rather, this novel idea to be fairly interesting. That is, the plot and setting being focused on a scientist or worker within the CDC. I would definately have made up a plot which dealt with a fictional disease rather than an already excisting one. In addition to the prospect of handing out information and basics on the subject matter which could be incorrect, I would also say that creating a fictional disease which the reader might not already know a lot about is a lot more interesting. Not to mention creative.

In this case, I'd say you're taking the Ebola virus a bit too serious. Not that it shouldn't. However, the Ebola virus is nowhere near to the dangers of these other diseases you brought up. Especially in this day and age. With the advances in health and technology which these previous issues didn't have, the Ebola virus can be contained. A lot of this could be traced back to the fact that information...cannot be contained anymore. We know where it is and who could have it, therefore; we know what to lock down.

Enought about that though. In your introduction you seem to be having some clear ideas with where to take this. We're not just tackling this new, potential threat... we're dealing with a potential new world order!

That is, intriguing, to say the least.

I really liked how neat and organized you begin this story. It's a good setup for the story and the format itself is really neat. The inclusion of the introduction at the start of your first chapter is nice and well done.

As the chapter goes on though, some problems reveal themselves. That is, your dialogue. Not to say the dialogue between the two characters aren't good. It's okay, though a bit stunted. What obviously stood out is the way you write your dialogue. It began decent, but after a while it turned bad. At some point in this piece, you wrote two whole paragraphs after each other, and both of them were almost exclusively dialogue. You did have some small dialogue tags in there, which was good because without them it would be impossible to know who is talking.

You didn't allow any breathing room in them though. If you resort to writing your dialogue quick paced like this (which is certainly okay! ), then break it up into smaller paragraphs and lines. Writing the dialogue alongside their actions as you move the scene is a lot better. Your dialogue in these paragraphs looked terribly messy and are hard to read.

In addition, there were also quite a few grammatical errors here and there. Including issues with commas as well as typos.

Outside of this though, it was nicely written and I like the idea. Not much else I could say overall.

So, I'll just write as I go along:

There have been many diseases that the CDC (Center for Disease Control) have feared.

There is the all mighty Bubonic Plague which wiped out almost

All of these have many things in common; they were all unexpected,

The outbreak of ebola is expected to be another one of these diseases that kills a few thousands and then once a vaccine is made, the disease is totally forgotten and talked of like legend by some middle school teacher to a room full of kids who could care less.

"I am no mans scapegoat and if he

He had pretty big rage for a short red haired 40 year old.

"Sir is everything alright? Do I need to leave and we meet later?" I asked, trying to get

and desk work."It's about time sir.

Who hasn't? It's all over the news.

30's or early 40's, and with eyes

Do you know anything about this man?" Hill asked.

"No but I can take a good bet that he is either a doctor or a scientist" I said.

"Good bet there Eli. He is Wes Adams, a doctor with a PHD in Infectious Diseases. He is over in Africa trying to get a better look at what he or anyone can do about trying to get this outbreak under control". Doctor Hill explained.

I walked all the way down the hall and into the shooting range.

If I am going back into the field I needed to be as sharp as I could and that meant getting handy with a gun again.