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16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Ebola Nightmare: Introduction and Chapter 1

by ozzie281


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Introduction

There have been many diseases that the CDC (Center for Disease Control) have feared. There is the all mighty Bubonic Plague with wiped out almost all of Europe in the dark ages. Then there is the outbreak of Smallpox which was a terror to the native americans that the europeans met. Aids is one of the best known of diseases to have given the United States of America a very big scare. All of these have many thing in common. They were all unexpected,wiped out a large amount,and caused people to shut each other out and try to outlast the disease. The outbreak of ebola is expected to be another one of these diseases that kills a few thousands and then once a vaccine is made, the disease is totally forgotten and talked of like legend by some middle school teacher to a room full of kids who could care less. Well what if it isn't really one of those diseases. Perhaps it is something more serious, something to do with a new world order. My name is Elijah Peters ( everyone calls me Eli), and I work for the CDC. I have many qualities about me that make the CDC treasure me and then as I will find out I have some that they and I didn't know they wouldn't like. It's my job to find out exactly what those qualities are. 

Chapter One: The Assignment

"I am no mans scape goat and if he thinks I am going to be pushed around like this than he has another thing coming. I am a well respected man here. If you have a problem them tell him to file a report and see if anyone gives a shit" Doctor Hill hung up his phone and threw it across the room. He had pretty big rage for a short red haired 40 year old. He usually doesn't get this worked up unless there is something seriously wrong. He looked very stressed which when you work at the Center for Disease Control comes with the job. 

"Sir is everything alright? Do i need to leave and we meet later?" I asked trying to get out of there before I became the next target of a flying projectile."No, that phone call actually involved you Eli. I have a new assignment for you." He said with a low voice. I was so glad to hear that because lately every since the bird flu scare that went down a couple of years back all I have been doing is lab and desk work."It's about time sir. I was growing restless sitting in one of those stupid little cubicles like a zombie. What is this about?" I asked with a gleam of joy in my eye. Not many people enjoy getting assignments but I love the action. 

"Have you been seeing the reports on the new outbreak of Ebola in western Africa?" He asked while trying to figure out where he had thrown his phone. " Who hasn't? Its all over the news. I can't go an hour without hearing about it." I replied with growing interest. Picking up his phone off the floor and letting out a sigh of relief when he saw the screen in one piece he opened it and showed me a picture of a tall skinny man with a big nose, probably in his late 30's or early 40's,  and with eyes eyes that seemed to hold many years of textbook material behind them." Do you know anything about this man?" hill asked. 

" No but I can take a good bet that he is either a doctor or a scientist" I said." Good bet there Eli, he is Wes Adams a doctor with a PHD in Infectious Diseases. He is over in Africa trying to get a better look at what he or anyone can do about trying to get this outbreak under control". " Well that's nice and all but where do I come into the picture here".  " I want you to go over to where he is and I want you to make sure nothing happens to him". I sat in my chair for a moment going over exactly what he had just asked me to do."Africa can be a dangerous place do to all the civil wars and civil unrest going on over there." I replied." That is where you come in. I know you also have yourself some impressive degrees under your belt but no one else here has the muscle to back that up". I looked at myself in a mirror in his office. For a 32 year old man I was pretty fit for my age. All those years playing tight end for Duke University had got me in shape and addicted to lifting weights so I stuck with it. I was about 6'1 and had medium length brown hair. 

" Anything is better than sitting around this office all day. One condition though. You have to tell me who wants you in trouble." I replied nodding at his phone on his desk. He leaned back in his leather chair and put his feet up on his pine desk." It was Charlie". The sound of that name made me roll my eyes. Charlie was the main guy here at the office. All that power went to his head. He was a tall blonde haired man with a pony tail and a face that makes you just want to hide under a desk so he can't criticize you for how you dressed for work that day or how it wasn't good enough just be in the lab once a week." What's his problem now" I asked with a groan.

" You" Doctor hill replied. I jumped up out of my seat and shouted" What the hell is his problem with me"? " He told me that he thinks you are not qualified enough to work with a man like Wes Adams. I told him that you were the perfect man for the job and he told me the only reason I picked you is because you are my favorite or something. I told him that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard and he got angry".  

I got up and walked towards the door."Send the assignment details to my desk and then I will get ready for my flight and prepare to do my job the only way I have ever done it. The right way". Hill did nothing but nod his head and turn around to his computer and started pulling up all the paperwork that he would have his secretary print out for me. 

I walked all the way down the hall into the shooting range. If I am going back into the field I needed to be as sharp as I could and that meant getting handy with a gun again. Plus I needed to blow off some steam thanks to hearing that my boss's boss has a problem with my qualifications. I have a masters in infectious diseases and also a masters degree in Biology. I may not be a doctor but I am just as smart as one of them. I fired 5 rounds from my M1911. I looked and all five were almost dead in the center of the human shaped target. I am most definitely qualified in some ways. 


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Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:29 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello! First of all, before I read your story, I would like to give you a high five for writing about something that's actually happening. I'm not if this is meant to be a scary novel, but it will certainly be frightening because it's so relevant! So well done on that. :) Okay, now I'll read it...

It's great how you talked about past diseases. How they were so devastating at the time, but now they are just legends talk about in classrooms. That goes with my theory on gods and faeries and myths; how people used to believe in them but now they don't. Anyway, your introduction is fine, but it could be split into two paragraphs. One new paragraph when you first mention Ebola.

For your first chapter, you have a good conversation going. Your formatting is a big wrong, though. You need a new line when a different person talks. I suggest you google how to write speech. That is the only thing I found wrong with it, though. Your scene was believable and well written.

Good job overall, I'll head over and chapter two now! :D




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Mon Aug 18, 2014 6:52 pm
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.
So the first thing that struck me about this work, was that it's an interesting (and very difficult) topic to write about unless you've actually been there and experienced it.
I'm guessing you did a lot of research about this - considering as it has been all over the news. But at the same time, there is something about this that just doesn't read as real.

I looked and all five were almost dead in the center of the human shaped target. I am most definitely qualified in some ways.


Obviously, what you're writing is a heartbreaking subject, but the way the character just doesn't really react to what's happening around them is a bit unrealistic.
I think in fact, the writing is just too clinical. Clearly... the subject itself is clinical and medical etc etc.

But it's just... unbelievable!

What's his problem now" I asked with a groan.


There are also some problems with punctuation and grammar within these paragraphs, because there should be a question mark at the end of the sentence and the other lines of dialogue should be on separate lines for each new speaker.

Just a few notes. On the whole, I can see what you were doing with this.

~EE




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Fri Aug 15, 2014 2:38 am
Astronaut says...



Hiya! Not a review, just a little note. Nobody is expecting Ebola to become an apocalypse or anything. Why? Well, to be infected, you have to come into contact with the bodily fluids of a contaminated person. That makes it very easy to spread in 3rd world countries and such, but the rest of the world is mostly good. Now, if you like, you can certainly use Ebola as the disease in your story. Creative freedom and all. But I would recommend a made-up disease, because you don't have to obey by its laws, you can just do whatever you want. But the story looks great! I love a good apocalypse.




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Fri Aug 15, 2014 12:19 am
birk wrote a review...



Hey Ozzie!

Alright, time to enter the hysterical, panicky world of the Ebola virus.

I find this chapter, or rather, this novel idea to be fairly interesting. That is, the plot and setting being focused on a scientist or worker within the CDC. I would definately have made up a plot which dealt with a fictional disease rather than an already excisting one. In addition to the prospect of handing out information and basics on the subject matter which could be incorrect, I would also say that creating a fictional disease which the reader might not already know a lot about is a lot more interesting. Not to mention creative. ;)

In this case, I'd say you're taking the Ebola virus a bit too serious. Not that it shouldn't. However, the Ebola virus is nowhere near to the dangers of these other diseases you brought up. Especially in this day and age. With the advances in health and technology which these previous issues didn't have, the Ebola virus can be contained. A lot of this could be traced back to the fact that information...cannot be contained anymore. We know where it is and who could have it, therefore; we know what to lock down.

Enought about that though. In your introduction you seem to be having some clear ideas with where to take this. We're not just tackling this new, potential threat... we're dealing with a potential new world order!

That is, intriguing, to say the least.

I really liked how neat and organized you begin this story. It's a good setup for the story and the format itself is really neat. The inclusion of the introduction at the start of your first chapter is nice and well done.

As the chapter goes on though, some problems reveal themselves. That is, your dialogue. Not to say the dialogue between the two characters aren't good. It's okay, though a bit stunted. What obviously stood out is the way you write your dialogue. It began decent, but after a while it turned bad. At some point in this piece, you wrote two whole paragraphs after each other, and both of them were almost exclusively dialogue. You did have some small dialogue tags in there, which was good because without them it would be impossible to know who is talking.

You didn't allow any breathing room in them though. If you resort to writing your dialogue quick paced like this (which is certainly okay! ;)), then break it up into smaller paragraphs and lines. Writing the dialogue alongside their actions as you move the scene is a lot better. Your dialogue in these paragraphs looked terribly messy and are hard to read.

In addition, there were also quite a few grammatical errors here and there. Including issues with commas as well as typos.

Outside of this though, it was nicely written and I like the idea. Not much else I could say overall.

So, I'll just write as I go along:

There have been many diseases that the CDC (Center for Disease Control) have feared.
Alright, sure. Yet, you follow this up by listing two diseases which were well out of widespread by the time that the CDC was founded. These are, obviously, the Bubonic plague and Smallpox.

Edit
There is the all mighty Bubonic Plague which wiped out almost
Small typo.

Edit
All of these have many things in common; they were all unexpected,
Small typo. Also, you could totally add a semicolon at the end of this line, connecting it with the next.

The outbreak of ebola is expected to be another one of these diseases that kills a few thousands and then once a vaccine is made, the disease is totally forgotten and talked of like legend by some middle school teacher to a room full of kids who could care less.
A few issues with this line.

To my knowledge, I don't believe the experts are expecting this to be a global pandemic. Widespread information about this illness is growing now because of the recent rise in West Africa, but this disease has been around since the 70s. I personally don't see too much threat outside of the affected areas. However, if someone made cancer airborne and contagious I'd be pretty scared. O.o

Also; 'totally forgotten' and 'kids who could care less'? Aside from many of them still being taught and considered current, some of them are still very much around. Aids for example, is still a major threat. If you get that, you're stuck for life. It can be controlled, yes, but if it doesn't get treated regularly then you'll have issues. Another one, which would be cool to include as you mention the CDC would be Malaria. Also current. We're done with that Smallpox though. ;)

Edit
"I am no mans scapegoat and if he

One word.

He had pretty big rage for a short red haired 40 year old.

This entire line feels like exposition just to get across his appearance. I know it's good to get that across, but there are better ways to do it. In my head, this line would read: 'He had pretty big rage for such a short man.' You could expand on this though, for example adding; 'In his anger, the redness of his cheeks complimented the color of his hair.

Edit
"Sir is everything alright? Do I need to leave and we meet later?" I asked, trying to get
Remember to capitalize your first person pronoun. This line could also use a comma. When writing, try to read out loud what you are writing and see if it has a natural pause in it.

and desk work."It's about time sir.

I noticed a few times that your spacebar might be a bit sticky. These lines need a space between them.

Edit
Who hasn't? It's all over the news.

You seem to be a fairly young dude (or dudette) despite the fact that your writing is quite advanced, but this is a common grammatical error which is good to learn early though. Nice thing is, it's quite easy to master once you know it:

It's - It is
Its - Possessive

30's or early 40's, and with eyes

Actually, your spacebar might have other issues as well. This line has an extra space in it. :D
This also recurs here and there though.

Edit
Do you know anything about this man?" Hill asked.

Capitalize his name.

Alright, at this point you begin your long paragraphs filled with dialogue in them. I'll just jump into an example where they look a bit cleaner:

"No but I can take a good bet that he is either a doctor or a scientist" I said.

"Good bet there Eli
. He is Wes Adams, a doctor with a PHD in Infectious Diseases. He is over in Africa trying to get a better look at what he or anyone can do about trying to get this outbreak under control". Doctor Hill explained.


Just a quick example, but there's a lot of dialogue you could smoothen here. This is the only example I'll bring up though. ;)

The way you describe Elijah is pretty good though. I like that. I'm not sure I'm onboard with the idea of him basicly going down there to be a gloryfied bodyguard for this doctor, though.

Edit
I walked all the way down the hall and into the shooting range.
Small edit.

If I am going back into the field I needed to be as sharp as I could and that meant getting handy with a gun again.
Wait. He has a gun and is trained to use it? What was his job within the CDC again? This doesn't seem like a man who would need these skills.

Alright, that's pretty much what I'll comment on. There are several things I skipped because I would be repeating myself and I kind of feel like I droned on for too long here. ;)

That said, I really like this though. I'm anticipating where you will take this story. I like how you took inspiration from these recent events and wrote something. That's really good.

I'm hoping to see some cool ideas in this and I'd definately want to see some good character development of Elijah. Keep me up to date on whenever you write a continuation of this. I'll definately read it.

Keep it up, Ozzie!



Cheers
Birkhoff




ozzie281 says...


I published the second chapter a few hours ago actually.




Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology