z

Young Writers Society


12+

A Last Lease of Life

by LiveLoveWrite


He walked through the small, lonely cobbled streets of England's big seaside city that still seemed like a beautiful country town in some parts. His worn boots scraped at the stones set into the narrow road, he stood tall and proud as if the large case draped over his tired back wasn't his only possession. With every quaint little beamed cottage and house that he passed, he edged away from the busy city centre that was always bustling with tourists. The narrow street and houses that were all joined together caused shadows of the falling sun to be cast along those ancient roads, making the road he walked on dark and cold. The defiant spring in his step made the shadows that he walked through seem peaceful and sweet rather than dark and cold. The street was lined with slowly fading beautiful blossom trees and every gust of wind tossed pretty pink and white petals into the air and as they floated to the ground, they danced around any person who was lucky to witness such a simple but beautiful sight. The road began to become wider and wider, opening up to a pedestrian path along the beachside. Innocent minded girls roller bladed along the path, flirting with the boys, it was funny really, to them it seemed like the most  important thing in the world to find a boy that they probably wouldn't end up marrying anyway, they had no idea that one day they'll grow up and all of that will seem like innocent child's play. The sky opened up in an indescribable way, with the dark ocean beneath it, the sky seemed wider. The salty sea air and the sweet smell of summer was possibly the most pleasurable smell and experience ever, the sharp, crisp air that is also soft and refreshing. It was that time in the day where it wasn't as late as twilight but late enough for the frantic energy of the beach to be died down. Where children were earlier playing in the sand, couples sunbathed side by side, while families were packing away the umbrellas and late lunches, teens and college students unfolded chairs and opened coolers. As one era ended, another began. The sun was still high but the sky was tinged a slight orange, but ever so subtle that it would only be noticed if the sky of the morning and the sky of the afternoon were compared to each other. As the energy turned from 'wild weekend and the beach' to 'lazy Sunday afternoon', parents tried to convince their clearly worn out children to pack up but a child's play is never over and the children refused to drop the excitement which was slowly fading anyway.



It was too light for the lights of the pier to be lit up, but the place was already starting to buzz with a new energy. People began to pull hoodies over their bikinis and sweats over their shorts as the crisp summer breeze wandered the beach. After all, sunny weather in England was bound to cool down at some point, hopefully it wouldn't rain! He strolled along the path, the aroma of salt and vinegar strengthened as he came closer to the pier where all the chip stands were. He approached the pier and took a large step off the pavement onto the creaky wooden boards of the pier where through the cracks  the crashing waves could be seen below. The fairground at the pier was a place for escape, everybody was filled with such joy that it could be felt if you were just walking past; the energy was incredible. All cares and worries flew out of his mind, his back ached and his feet were sore but for the tired old man, life was too short to worry about such things. If he were to die, this was where he would be content. The sound of laughter filled the air and every attraction and ride he walked past played a different cheerful ringing melody. The waves crashed onto the shore but their sound was pleasant and calming, the rhythmic constant waves provided a sense of stability. The waves sounded like a million tiny beads being poured onto a table over and over again, the sound ceased to stand still as one wave after another threw themselves onto the sand and against the wood. He found that his feet came to a stand still at a discreet little corner of the pier. He stood right at the front in the left hand corner, overlooking the dark icy ocean (which was deceiving considering that the sun was still burning bright, making the ocean look warm and welcoming). There were no food stands or rides in his little corner of the pier, so no crowds were swallowing him up, it was lovely.



He swung the battered black leather case off his back, despite his best efforts, the heavy case still hit the ground with a 'clunk'. As he crouched to examine the case, his knees cracked and his withered body struggled under the pressure until he came to a comfortable crouch. He took his wrinkled, unwashed hands and ran his fingers over the two tarnished brass buckles and flipped them open. He lifted the top and let it swing back on it's hinges. Below him laid his treasure, when he looked at it, his heart skipped a beat and his eyes welled up. The vision before him was the only thing that had unconditionally brought him joy throughout all his years, the only souvenir of his life and whenever he held this beauty, he felt young, he felt healthy, he felt rich in every aspect. He gently brushed the tarnished metal with his fingers and the cold caught him unexpectedly just as it always had. He basked in his treasure's greatness and beauty for a while; it could have been for a minute, it could have been for an hour, it was hard to tell because every time he looked at it, he was lost in time, the world drowned out, it was his escape, just like the pier. He gripped his tough hands around the delicate, cold brass of his saxophone and raised it out of it's case, risen from the grave, it was alive again. His dilapidated reed was so old and well used that it had worn so thin that it was almost see through. It was dark and patchy and it was no longer flat, excessive use of the delicate wood had allowed it to become almost wavy and splits were beginning to show. He pieced this wonder together stood up slowly, the saxophone still clutched in his hand. The sun was falling and now it was burning a deep amber, causing the ocean to resemble an elaborate array of diamonds and gold that sparkled in the sun light which lit the world alive, casting golden rays upon the pier. Love-sick 'first date' couples rode the Ferris Wheel, wearing that kind of innocent, unique smile that cannot be forced, and little children ran in circles and seemed overwhelmed by all the extravagant exciting attractions. The whole pier was set in silent slow motion as he soaked this wonderful life in, drawing deep breaths and feeling every moment. He brought the saxophone to his lips and let his fingers find their familiar place on the keys, he took a deep breath and the world was filled with the stunning, buzzing, warm sound that came from that little saxophone he held. His saxophone was brown and battered and had scratches and scars all over it, but when played, the radiant sound comes from the inside, just like the frail old man who had nothing, but inside he was brilliant beyond comprehension. The fuzzy glowing sound played on, his fingers danced their familiar dance, playing the most fantastic melodies and little phrases of music.



The sky had turned a deep navy and the lights and the colours of the pier burst through the sky, making it a sight for sore eyes. The man played on, drawing quite the crowd, the music lit everybody's faces up, their smiles glowing bright. As the beach was plunged into the depth of the night, he felt content at last and placed his saxophone back in it's case. The cool wind blew through the beach and the pier, sending the occasional shiver down his spine, but he felt at peace with life and it did not bother him one bit.  He stood on the edge of the pier, looking out at the magnificent world ahead of him, he had never travelled outside of his little corner of the globe, yet, even from the little that he saw, he could still recognize the world's beauty. He could feel it fading - life that is. The man wasn't in a frantic hurry to save himself, he knew it was time and this was a better place than any to make his last memory. As he looked into the dark, away from all the lights, he felt a warmth about him, despite the chill lingering over the pitch black sea. His eyelids shielded his eyes for the last time as he drew them to a close, he felt like he was crawling inside a warm bed and wrapping the crisp sheets around his body, he was filled with the sensation of comfort. All the cheerful music and laughter was drowned out until the only sound was his heart thumping, as it slowed to almost a stop. And then... silence. Silence and warmth, but only for a second. He was flying, he was soaring, well at least that was what it felt like to him, and then like a bullet, the harsh icy water hit him and then... nothing.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 253
Reviews: 9

Donate
Wed Aug 20, 2014 5:55 pm
AlexRichardson06 wrote a review...



Very calming and relaxing to read however I have one major issue with this piece. Paragraphs! Introducing paragraphs to this story will organize the whole piece and will make it a lot easier to read for people and it makes it much less time consuming.

Altogether a good read and I'm glad I took the time to read it.

Best of luck.






Thank you, I really appreciate the time you took to read this! I'll be sure to pay more attention to my paragraphs in the future.



User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 1538
Reviews: 61

Donate
Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:06 am
Jadefox wrote a review...



Hello, LLW,

Welcome to YWS and I hope you have enjoyed your time here so far. If you have any questions about the following review, writing, YWS, or life just come and find me and I will be glad to chat.

First off, I like the simplicity of the story. For instance, the plot line isn't insanely jam-packed and difficult to follow, but it conveyed the message of a life well spent. Your description of the beach and how it appeared as the evening and dusk turned to night maintained the movement of time throughout the piece. I also appreciated your imagery surrounding the main character and also the small details, such as the feel of his saxophone

Okay. Let's get down to the nitpicks. I don't pick out every sentence or grammatical errors. Instead, I will show you some examples of things to fix and look for when writing in the future.

The first thing I noticed was the size of your paragraphs. While some writers will fill over two pages with a single paragraph, it's difficult on the reader and hard for them to follow. It's a lot of words to find your place in. To divide and separate your paragraphs, look for changes in topic. For instance, in the first paragraph, you are writing about one part of the path and then it opens up into a well-used street with flirtatious rollerblading girls. The main character then begins to ponder the actions of the youth around him. There's a change in ideas, another place to consider dividing the single paragraph into two or more. I'll summarize my rules for making paragraphs: when there's a new idea, change in location, or a new person is speaking you should consider creating a new paragraph.

The next error I noticed are the run-on sentences and comma splices. Let's take your first and second sentence in paragraph one for example:

He walked through the small, lonely cobbled streets of England's big seaside city that still seemed like a beautiful country town in some parts. His worn boots scraped into the stones set into the narrow road, he stood tall and proud as if the large case draped over his tired back wasn't his only possession.


That's a good amount of detail, but it's a little overwhelming with the length of the sentences. Sentence two should also be made into a third sentence because of a comma splice. Let's break this down. The first sentence just runs on a bit too much, but we can restructure it so it reads a bit better.

He walked through the lonely cobbled street where the quaint characteristics of a country town showed through in England's big seaside city.


Hopefully that flows a bit better. Onto the next. The second sentence is a prime example of a comma splice made up of two independent clauses. Two easy ways of fixing comma splices or a jumbled sentence is to either divide or to restructure.

Divided:
His worn boots scraped into the stones set into the narrow road. He stood tall and proud as if the large case draped over his tired back wasn't his only possession.
There. All you need is a period.

Restructured:
His worn boots scraped across the stones set into the narrow road, as he strode proudly with the large case draped over his tired back as if it wasn't his only possession.


^The second one isn't my favorite, but I believe it's grammatically correct.^

One last grammar part I want to mention is the usage of quotation marks. I know BiscuitsBatchAvoy touched on this down below, but just watch out for your grammar marks remaining inside the quotation marks. This includes: colons, commas, semicolons, exclamation points, question marks, and a period. Also, if you want to use quotation marks around "lazy Sunday afternoon," be sure they're double not single quotation marks. Single quotation marks are used when a speaker quotes something. For instance:

"And then Captain Jack held the jar above his head and exclaimed, 'Sand!'" Elizabeth relayed to Will.


I'm not completely sure if there's a correct way to format sounds, but I usually italicize the sound. Such as: clunk, thud, ka-thunk.. If you want to stick to quotation marks when adding sounds, just make sure they're double.

Alright, I know I ramble and probably explain things too deeply and repeat myself and go on and on and on...but! I hope I've helped a bit with this review and you keep on writing and I see you around YWS!

-Jadefox






Thank you, you are very helpful! As I said to BiscuitsBatchAvoy, I didn't proof read so I'm not surprised there were so many mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out, your review will certainly help me when writing in the future :)



User avatar
760 Reviews


Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

Donate
Wed Aug 13, 2014 9:25 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



'person who was lucky to witness such a simple but beautiful sight' - there should be an 'enough' between 'lucky' and 'to'.

', it was funny really,' - this should be a separate sentence.

', they had no idea that one day' - and this should be a new sentence.

'time in the day where it wasn't' - 'where' should be 'when'.

'beach to be died down' - 'be' should be 'have'.

', hopefully it wouldn't rain!' - this should be a new sentence. And maybe in italics but that's probably optional.

', the aroma of salt and vinegar' - this should also be a new sentence.

', everybody was filled with such joy' - as should this.

', his back ached and his feet were sore' - and this.

I think you should revise fragmented sentences.

'The waves crashed onto the shore...' - the comma in this sentence should be a semi-colon.

', it was lovely.' - this should definitely have a sentence of its own.

'wonder together stood up' - there should be an 'and' between 'together' and 'stood'.

'swing back on it's hinges' - 'it's' should be 'its'. Here too: 'back in it's case'.


This is a very touching piece with a simple but effective plot and excellent setting. There should maybe be a little more characterisation. Maybe a specific memory of the old man's. But you should know that this is absolutely beautiful and you captured his final moments brilliantly.

Your flow is a little off. You tend to use commas where it should be full stops and the reader ends up reading it too fast. Just read it aloud and put a full stop where you automatically take a breath.

If you do that, this will be truly incredible.

Well done :)




ExOmelas says...


Oh and I think you should separate it into shorter paragraphs. :)





Thank you for your feedback, I had been awake for hours when I wrote this and didn't proof read. I have a tendency to write very long sentences sometimes, that is something I need to work on. I appreciate your comment!



ExOmelas says...


That's okay! I do the same :)




uwu
— soundofmind