(Scene a tavern in Romania. As narration begins, Van Hellsing enters to sit and have a drink or ten.)
Narrator: You know the vampire slayer in Bram Stokers book? Professor Abraham Van Hellsing? Well you should know that the gentleman walking on stage about to get shitfaced drunk is the great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of said vampire slayer. Here’s is his tragic backstory:
(Actors act as story is told)
Bram Stoker was traveling and researching about vampires in Europe thinking they were nothing but myth. When taking a train on the Continent for a theater convention, he met a man named Armin Vambery, from Hungary, who was an expert on the area of southeast Europe. He was telling Bram about how villagers near a castle on the cliffside had become afraid of Dracula and begged him to get the attentions of authorities to help the people. However, due to a partially deaf translator in their carriage, Bram took the warning as a story in which he decided to write about and take credit in book royalties. (Bram makes it rain then sits at the bar and drinks) Bram had no idea that all of his characters at one point are or were once alive and that Abraham Van Hellsing was actually killed in battle by Dracula’s hand. This unfortunate mistake leads to the Van Hellsing heirs to be consumed with a hatred for vampires, the most current being Lincoln Hellsing VII but everyone calls him Linny.
Lincoln: (Taking big gulp and slamming beer down) God dammit I hate vampires so much.
(Another man enters.)
Narrator: Oh and this is Philip, Lincoln’s bff.
Philip: Oi! Linny! I gots a tale to tell ya.
Lincoln: What is it this time? You get beat up by the priest again for stealing wine?
Philip: Nah, listen mate. I swears I saw ‘im. I was sit’ in on me car and f’ere ‘e was! I saw Dracula escape ‘is castle f’is mornin’! ‘ad a pack wif ‘im and everyf’ing.
Lincoln: Are you serious!? You saw Dracula?
Philip: I couldn't see 'is face, 'e was wearin' a 'ood. Know at I mean? Probably ter ‘ide from da sun innit? ‘e was also covered in dirt…
Lincoln: If it was Dracula then yes. Did my vampire scanner go off?
Philip: Blimey! Dat contrapshun sung like a bird! Scared me ter dearf i’did!
Lincoln: Then it’s our time to move. We follow that beast and slay all whom have given him blood. I will slay Dracula and stop what my Father and my fathers before him couldn’t do! We also can’t have another Twilight craze in this world.
Philip: Aye, ‘at would bloody awful. I’ll ‘ave some Ale first okay?
Bram: (turns to Philip) Its on me lad. (Gives drink)
Philip: Awight! Vank you very much guv. (Tips his hat)
Lincoln: This is no time for drinking! (Swipes drink away) We need to be on our toes. (Sips)
Philip: Oi! I ain’ yaaarh kid! (Pouts and crosses arms)
Lincoln: (Ignoring and checks phone) There are multiple cases of anemia heading to England. By God he’s striking quickly and he might be headed Whitby. That bastard!
Philip: Lawd above! Well I ‘ope dis doesn’t end up like the time he gone up ‘ere. Don’ wan’ yew dyin’ on me. (Lincoln glares) …I’ll shut up.
Lincoln: Lets just get on then. Do you have all the supplies?
Philip: Yes, I got da wooden stakes, silver crucifixes, UV flashlights, garlic, an' salt, sir! (Salutes)
Lincoln: You forgot the holy water dummy!
Philip: ‘ell I fought we could fetch some in France, at dat Notre Dame place as a souvenir. (Smiles)
Lincoln: You idiot! (Smacks) What if we meet vampires before that?
Philip: Ow! Geeazh I’m sorry! (Rubs head)
(They gather their satchels and leave. Lincoln quickly hurries back and takes drink with him, then leaves stage.)
(Chorus walk up stage.)
Chorus: (in harmony)
Meanwhile at Dracula’s domain!
On his Tempurpedic, he wakes from a nightmare of wolfs bane.
With suspicion, he checks if Claudius is well,
Suddenly silence in the castle is stopped with a howl from hell.
His precious Grandson is gone amiss.
Filled with rage, he swears an oath to bring deaths kiss,
Should harm come his Grandson.
Upon the midday sun he forces himself undone.
With directions from a poorly drawn map,
Hoping his Grandson has not fallen in an enemy trap.
(Rap solo by chorus Guy #1)
Swiftly he fly knowing his enemies are on the chase.
And which party shall provide the Coup de Grace!?
My dough is on Dracula,
Da best fellah!
(Rap solo by Chorus Guy #2)
Fool! Whatch’u talking about?
I’m giving Hellsing the shout!
He’s mankind’s only chance!
I say no more to this Vampire romance!
Saving Mankind is so yesterday.
This play is about the value of Famil-eh!
Humans are the real monsters!
Only vampires have real power!
Power isn’t everything.
Nothing is better then the human being.
You should be singing my song,
But I guess your mom raised you wrong.
(Chorus #1 all up in his face)
What you say about my mom?
(Chorus #2 all up in his face)
I said yo ma’ma raised you wrong.
(Chorus #1 tears up)
That’s not true! My ma’ma raised me just fine!
(Chorus brakes out in frenzy)
(Curtains rise behind the fight to the scene of a small, totally crappy, London apartment. Ludwig and Claudius walk on stage.)
Ludwig: VAT ARE YOU FREAKS DOING IN MEIN HAUSE!?
(Chorus all scream and run away from the scene)
Ludwig: Dats the third time dis month…(shakes head) Velcomen to mien home. (Guiding Claudius)
(Claudius in awe)
Claudius: Holy black bat...(Strokes lamp) So much electricity. (Strokes TV) So much innovation. (Strokes toilet) So advanced. (Cuddling toaster) You have the most beautiful house in the world.
Ludwig: Ja, must suck living in a outdated castle…
Claudius: I wouldn’t know any better. I guess it does suck…too many playrooms to choose from, the kitchen has only hundreds of different kinds of blood recipes and the treasure room is too cramped with all these jewels and gold to really take a bath in properly.
Ludwig: Oh poor you. (with sarcasm)