I walked silently on the streets, ignoring all those around me and focusing on my goal for the morning: making it to school on time. The cold bitter wind relentlessly whipped my face, forcing me to wrap my coat even tighter around my body. A hand grabbed me, and i turned around violently to see that it was a young girl that was lost. At least that was what I thought at first. Her clothes were ripped and battered, the color had faded, leaving only a dull grey to adore the girl's beautiful face. She wore a pair of jeans, and then.... nothing. Where were her feet? "Where.." I couldn't finish the sentence, she only smiled as she noticed what i was looking at. I was about to ask her again when she wrapped her arms around my waist and looked up at me. The pedestrians around me eyed me as if i was a lowly animal, "There is another one down for the count," one said,"kids these days cant tell between good and evil." I unwrapped her hands and put them in mine, then smiled and walked on. In her hands were now 20 RMB, and she slumped to the side walk, smiling and waving. My eyes watered as I continued walking down the street, the wind continued, leaving a cloud of dust in it's wake.
The next day I followed my normal path, the sky was blue and white fluffy clouds lazily drifted in the sky. I looked for her, and she wasn't there, only to be replaced by a old woman holding her hands out and begging for something, for anything. I placed some money in her hand and then knelt down and said: " say hi to the girl that was here yesterday, tell her that she was beautiful." The woman smiled and nodded slightly, I stood up and walked away.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well...this was such a rollecoaster of emotions this one...very bittersweet the whole way through this one. Oh dear...well...more details below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Wow well...that was quite a lot to have packed into just this one paragraph...like I'm not saying its too much or anything, but its just a lot of emotion there and it definitely makes you think quite a lot this one. Well...the description here for the girl and the way she acts here is just ridiculously wholesome and well I can't help but smile here as I'm reading through that, and then I also can't help but feel very sad as I realize this poor thing is along out on the streets probably having no one to care for her. And then that comment by a passing person definitely does make you mad considering how horribly people treat people like that. Well...I do like the protagonist for taking the time to at least smile at her and giving her some money. Its a bittersweet scene this one. Hmm, well let's see what the next scene is about I suppose.
Aww...well that is a properly awesome and very wholesome gesture by the protagonist here...ahh that is such a lovely thing to do there, the fact that there's an old woman there instead of the little girl almost seems like its trying to be a little bit symbolistic here...as if there's a prediction that that girl might one day be that old woman...but the message our protagonist leaves for the little girl here is certainly a very sweet one so....well we start on a bittersweet note and end on a bittersweet note I guess.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was quite a neat little story story. I definitely enjoyed the read quite a bit. Aaand that's about all I gotta say, so...until next time
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there!
This was a very thoughtful short story, and in that I mean that it was very thought provoking. My mind is racing, and I am interested to know more.
I felt like you could have done more with this, it feels too short to me... I want to know more. If you didn't want to make it a longer piece, than my suggestion would be to be a little more clearer. I do like the feel this has when it's kind of unclear, but it's a little too unclear. I honestly can't say I know what this story's about. It's good to make people think about your story, but it's not good when your readers really have no clue what the story is.
There were a few typos, but I think you would be able to spot them easily if you gave it a quick reread ( AKA: I'm terrible at grammar and should not give anyone advice on the matter ).
I don't think that I can comment on the plot too much because I'm not sure entirely I understand it. I did really like the ending though, it felt like a strong ending in my opinion. Of course it would be nice to know what it was ending.
I found the part where the girl comes up to him and wraps her arms around him especially confusing... also when he mentioned that she had no feet...
Was this a dream, perhaps? It really does seem like a dream.
Anyway, this was interesting to review. Keep up the awesome writing! See you around!!!
-Socks
Hi, RX1334. This is Pinkieishere1345 here for a wonderful review. I will try to do my best on this review as I could.
Wow, this seems like very short, short story. This is a good story with nice descriptions and setting. However, I agreed with what BicusitsBatchvoy said with the plot. It doesn't make sense and made me confused like "What it is going on this story?" Also, you stopped with the speaker with him walking away to find some girl who he met yesterday. I got me wandering if will he success with his mission or not? Maybe you need add on with the story and we will know if he did or not. Finally, you got some errors on there which you need to finish. Just need you to know that. Well, that's my review. I hope to read more from you. Well, see you next time!
Good Job!
Love,
Pinkieishere13
'and i turned around violently' - the 'i' should be capitalised: 'I'.
'a dull grey to adore the girl's beautiful face' - I don't understand why the word 'adore' is there. I think maybe you meant 'adorn'?
'one said,"kids these days cant tell between' - you forgot the space between the comma and the speech marks. Also, 'cant' should have an apostrophe: 'can't. And you should take a new paragraph when you insert speech.
What is '20 RMB'?
You should start a new sentence before ', the wind continued'.
And here: ', the sky was blue and white'.
'" say hi' - there should be no space between the speech marks and 'say' and it should be 'Say'.
Okay, plot stuff. I understand that this is a very abstract story but I just don't quite understand what has happened here. Maybe if you had it a little longer or you separated it out into shorter paragraphs.
On the other hand you are very good at setting and something about this put the sound of wind howling in my ear. I can see a lot of potential in this and you obviously have a really good idea in your head. I think if you can just explain what's going on a little better this will be really great.
Well done