z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Progeny (Prologue)

by MissGangamash


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

 (Summary of the novel)

When vampires were ‘outed’ in the year 2020, the humans attempted to alter their diet to ensure their safety. This resulted in a worldwide bloodbath known as the Rage. Now fourteen years on and the world has been torn apart and rebuilt from the ground up to accommodate the vampires unholy desire for human blood.

But despite the constant push of the Equal Rights Movement, vampires are still being depicted as the ruthless, rapid monsters they had become in the months of the Rage. Many humans still oppose their presence and do not agree with the forced peaceful coexistence.

One person who shares this belief is a young scientist named Nico Bergan. Doctor Bergan wants to return the world to its former glory. His way of achieving this goal… creating a cure for vampirism.

Prologue

It was the year 1934. The night sky was grey and thick with fog. Ominous looking figures gathered in the graveyard behind a looming church. They were nightwalkers.

One man crouched on a wall, eyeing the scene before him. He had an air of grandeur about him. He was old but far older than he looked. Hundreds of years older than his sixty year old body. The crowd below him hissed, sniggered and bared their teeth at the lowly man in the centre of them. The man had his hands tightly entwined together in front of his chest to try and contain his shaking. He was pale with a body of a man in his early thirties. His short, dark hair was slicked back with a side parting and glistened in the moonlight. His striking, pale blue eyes were smeared red with tears. The crowd hunched over gravestones and inspected him mockingly.

The old man looming over them lifted his palm into the sky. The sniggering and snapping of fangs stopped. The only sound left was the rustling of leaves.

                                                  ____________________

“Caius.” The elder man’s voice made the dark haired man hold back a cringe.

“Yes, Guardian,” he replied in the strongest voice he could muster.

The old man stood and leaped from the wall, clearing the ten feet between him and the ground with ease. He inspected himself and straightened his tailored suit before his dark eyes fixed on Caius.

“You stand before the Vampire Court today-” The old man began to make his way over to him with slow, measured strides. The light of the moon bounced off his perfectly bald head. “Because, I have reason to believe that you have put our kind in danger.”

Caius’ skin prickled with fear as he stood before the smartly dressed man. He too was wearing a tailored three-piece suit. He was quaking in his once shining shoes. Now, the old man stood before him, so close that Caius could count the wrinkles that pooled round his eyes.

“You fell in love with a breather. You shared a house. A life. Our secrets. With a breather.”

Caius’ jaw set and he straightened his back in an attempt to look defiant. He didn’t regret any of that. He loved Catherine with all his un-beating heart because she accepted him for who he was.

The old man sniggered, inspecting Caius’ sharp features. “It’s a good thing I heard about it when I did. So I could put a stop to it.”

Caius’ eyes flickered as tears threatened to make themselves known. But he stayed quiet. His jaw set, looking off into the distance, past Guardian’s steely eyes.

“But I don’t think you’ve been punished enough.”

Caius’ eyes widened for a fraction of a second as he felt his gut twist. How could he have not been punished enough? He had just lost the woman he loved. He has just lost everything.

Guardian looked to the crowd. “Belle, Corsette, if you don’t mind.”

Two women straightened and flashed the old man a fanged smile before disappearing behind a tomb. Caius watched curiously then started at a scream. The two vampire women returned with another body between them, being held up by her upper arms. Her feet scrambled across the floor to keep up with the vampire women’s pace. The frail, young woman’s auburn hair fell over her tear-stained face and her pale body was quaking uncontrollably. With a sharp nod from Guardian, the two nightwalkers released their grip on her. She slumped to the ground with a whimper in front of Guardian. Slowly, she picked herself up to a sitting position and pushed her hair from her face. Her hazel eyes were wide as she scoped her audience. Hugging her tattered, white night dress closer to her body, she curled up on herself and found the man in charge.

“P-please...let me go...don’t kill me...please...” she begged. Her voice was broken with sobs. Tears poured down her cheeks leaving pale trails down her dirty skin. “W-why did you take me?...I-I’ve done nothing wrong...If I did then...I’m sorry...”

“Shhh...” crooned Guardian, pressing his bony finger against his lips. “This has nothing to do with your mistakes.” He turned to Caius. “This is all his doing.”

Caius gulped heavily and looked to the girl. Her eyes found his. They were wide and pleading. His gut twisted tighter.

“You will Turn her.”

Caius blinked and turned to Guardian. If his heart could beat, it would be thumping against his slender chest. Guardian showed him a malicious grin. “Did you really think you could live your whole immortal life never becoming a Maker?”

“She shouldn’t have to pay,” Caius said mournfully, bowing his head, feeling even more empty inside than usual.

“Well, how else are you going to learn?” asked Guardian, tilting his head.

“This was my mistake, not hers.”

The girl whimpered.

“Ah, yes,” said Guardian. His voice carried a hiss. “But the only way you will know what it truly means to be a vampire is to you teach it to your progeny. I guarantee that you will learn from this experience.”

Caius lifted his head and opened his mouth to protest but was interrupted by a blood curdling wail. He snapped his head to the side and watched as the crowd of vampires lunged at the defenceless girl and started to bite, claw and pull at her like a pack of wild dogs. He winced at the sight of her blood being spilled. He couldn’t even see her as the vampires huddled around her. She shrieked, cried and begged for the first several seconds then the only sound was claws against flesh and the snapping of jaws.

“Enough!” barked Guardian and they all stood, wiping their blood covered faces with the backs of their hands. Caius’ eyebrows furrowed with pity as the young girl lay limply across the floor. Her dainty white dress was now torn to shreds and red with her blood. Caius winced as the scene caused flashes of his worst memory to invade his mind. How similar she looked to Catherine when he found her on their bed, bite marks covering every inch of her. But this girl was different to Catherine. This girl was still alive. Her chest rose and fell ever so slightly. Without vampire sight, he wouldn’t have noticed. The weak beat of her heart travelled through the air.

“Turn her.”

Caius gulped and pulled his eyes away from the body. The smell of her blood hung heavy in the air, attacking his senses and awakening the beast that was at rest within him. Guardian noticed his unwillingness and sighed. “For every second of my time you waste. I will kill a breather.”

Caius' eyebrows pinched in pain. Guardian grinned.

“Don’t believe me?” He snapped his fingers and the same two female vampires disappeared and returned with a sluggish human in each arm. Two men and two women. They were frozen with fear as they studied the nightwalkers.

Guardian gripped one of the men’s arm, making him hiss with pain, and yanked him to his side. The other hand wavered at the human’s chest, his fingers waggling impatiently.

“Turn the girl.” Guardian narrowed his eyes.

Caius reluctantly walked to the half-dead girl and knelt beside her. He gulped and brushed her hair from her face, taking in her beauty.

“Turn her,” Guardian seethed but Caius didn’t move. A strangled gasp and the crunch of flesh and bones raised his head. His jaw set in anguish as the male human dropped to the floor. Guardian raised an eyebrow and inspected the bloody heart in his hand. His eyes flickered to Caius. “Waver any longer and I’ll have quite the collection.”

More screams and cries follow from the humans that were still alive. Caius looked down at the girl before him and smoothed her hair again, listening to her slow heartbeat. It would stop soon. And he would be the one to stop it.

He lifted his wrist to his mouth and bit into his flesh then pressed the oozing wound to her lips. Fearing that she couldn’t swallow, he also dabbed his fingers into his own blood and rubbed it into her bites and scratches, hoping it would seep into her bloodstream.

In the corner of his eye, Caius could see Guardian grinning as he watched.

He pressed his wrist to her lips once more with a new desire to keep her alive. Well...half alive. Then, swallowing a thick lump and attempting to bite back tears, he pressed his hands to her throat and squeezed until he cut off her air. She didn’t fight against him, she didn’t have the energy. She just lay there, allowing him to starve her of oxygen.

“It will work, Caius,” eased Guardian. He settled his bloody hand on Caius’ shoulder, making him flinch. His body sagged and he withdrew his hands when her heartbeat ceased and looked down at the girl in defeat. “It will work.”

The crowd huddled closer, their eyes trained on the girl and sniffing her scent. Minutes passed. Caius waited, anxiety swelling in his chest. Then her wounds start closing, sealing shut and leaving her skin pale and perfect once more.

Suddenly, the girl jerked up and inhaled deeply but then coughed and wheezed. The air must have felt foreign to her, like it had for Caius when he had first Turned. She wasn't experiencing her lungs inflating. She would be feeling nothing. Nothing but numbness and her new burning hunger.

Her hazel eyes blinked up at her Maker and a faint smile lifted on Caius' lips. Despite being forced to do something that he had tried to avoid all his immortal life, Caius couldn’t help but be in awe of what sat before him. His progeny was born.


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Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:14 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi again!I decided it's about time I got back to reviewing regularly so I'm going to aim for two a day and I figured going back to the start on your novel will give me a few weeks of reviewing at least :)

Specifics

1. You should probably put the summary in a spoiler and call it the blurb as not everyone likes to read the back of books before start reading them.

2.

But despite the constant push of the Equal Rights Movement, vampires are still being depicted as the ruthless, rapid rabid monsters they had become in the months of the Rage. Many humans still oppose their presence and do not agree with the forced peaceful coexistence.


3. Your sentence variation in the first three paragraphs is weak which makes for a jerky start. The longest sentence in the first seven is only 11 words long, that's barely even medium length so throw in at least a few long, descriptive ones to get this flowing better and to give the sentences which need to be short that extra emphasis.

It was the year 1934. The night sky was grey and thick with fog. Ominous looking figures gathered in the graveyard behind a looming church. They were nightwalkers.

One man crouched on a wall, eyeing the scene before him. He had an air of grandeur about him. He was old but far older than he looked. Hundreds of years older than his sixty year old body.


4. Is Guardian a name rather than a title? I think it would sound better as a title as it makes for an awkward name as when you say Guardian instead of 'the Guardian', it feels like you've missed out a word since we're not used to seeing it used in that way.

5.
Caius watched curiously then started at a scream. The two vampire women returned with another body between them, being held up by her upper arms.
Curiously is the wrong word here as it suggests a state of calm or even happiness and what you're trying to build is a dark atmosphere. You could say with apprehension or that he watched uncertainly.

6.
Caius gulped and pulled his eyes away from the body. The smell of her blood hung heavy in the air, attacking his senses and awakening the beast that was at rest within him. Guardian noticed his unwillingness and sighed. “For every second of my time you waste. [This should be a comma.] I will kill a breather.”


7.
More screams and cries followed from the humans that were still alive. Caius looked down at the girl before him and smoothed her hair again, listening to her slow heartbeat. It would stop soon. And he would be the one to stop it.


8. When you write dialogue, you have a tendency to follow a line of another character's dialogue with an action from Caius. Instead, you should write his action on the next line and then if that other character has dialogue again, leave another line in between. This way there's less confusion as to who is speaking/ acting.

9.
The crowd huddled closer, their eyes trained on the girl and sniffing her scent. Minutes passed. Caius waited, anxiety swelling in his chest. Then her wounds started closing, sealing shut and leaving her skin pale and perfect once more.


Overall

This is a nice start but I think it needs a little more description to really build the tension and an atmosphere of anticipation. I didn't feel at any point that Caius might actually decide not to turn the girl and the other humans didn't speak or weren't around long enough for me to care if Guardian killed them all so maybe that part needs to be stretched with just a line or two of dialogue from them or maybe these could be humans who Caius knows from the village/ town where he lived with Catherine. That would also give him more reason to care about whether they lived or died and make his decision a bit harder.

It would also endear him more to us because at the moment I've not seen enough of Caius to fully form an opinion of him and his thoughts aren't as open/ conflicted as Alexander's.

I'll probably keep these chapter reviews shorter for now and then give you some longer feedback on characters and plot when I'm further into the novel.

All the best,
Heather






Hello! I'm glad the latest chapters intrigued you enough to come back to the beginning! That's always a good sign!

I don't know how to put things in a spoiler box..

Guardian is his name, most likely the name he gave himself. Guardian's character is an enigma, no one knows how old he is, where he came from, how he became a power leader, so it would make sense that he would choose his own name that refers to him being some sort of omnipotent guide. Maybe it's sort of like the Doctor in Doctor Who? He's known as 'The Doctor' but is also simply called 'Doctor', a title which he assigned himself.

Caius is a lot more reserved than Alexander is. There is a large chunk of the novel written from Caius' POV and if you read that far, you'll notice there is a big difference between him and Alexander. Alexander's chapters are when he is at his lowest ebb and so he is very vulnerable and raw at that point, Caius, on the other hand, has lived long enough to master hiding his own emotions, even from himself. But I will look over this and add more emotion if need be.

Thanks for the review :D



Rydia says...


If you type (spoiler) at the start and then (/spoiler) at the end but use these square brackets instead [] [] then it will do it :)

Okay that makes sense about Guardian and I'm sure readers would get used to the oddity later in the story!



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Sun Jan 15, 2017 2:32 pm
MeatBunCat wrote a review...



Hai! MeatBunCat here, stumbling in after I saw your newest chapter, figuring it was better to start from the beginning. Since this has a lot of reviews already, I'm gonna mostly stick to opinions.

They were nightwalkers.

Tad jarring

One man crouched on a wall, eyeing the scene before him. He had an air of grandeur about him. He was old but far older than he looked. Hundreds of years older than his sixty year old body.

Maybe have his looks described first? Describing a part of his actions, a long sentence on his looks, and then shifting to what he was looking at feels a bit scrambled.

at the lowly man in the centre of them.

Maybe talk about this man a bit more? I almost thought it was the same dude you were talking about earlier since you didn't really describe this new guy.

He loved Catherine with all his un-beating heart because she accepted him for who he was.

Seein how popular vampire books are now, I'm betting he would have a easy time finding a willing girl now. :P

Caius gulped heavily and looked to the girl. Her eyes found his. They were wide and pleading. His gut twisted tighter.

“You will Turn her.”

Nowadays gals would be all over that.

------------------------
1.) I really liked this opening, it gives me a good idea about how the world is shaping up, and I am guess, a origins for whoever is the protagonist. I haven't read anything else, but I am guessing its Catherine from this.






Hello! Thanks for jumping back to the start after seeing my new novel, hopefully its enticed you enough to read more :)

Catherine is dead, the protagonist is the girl who Caius Turns here.

Thanks for your review!



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Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:55 pm
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deleted868 says...



So this is not gong to be a true review for a few reasons: one, there's already a lot of them for this one chapter, and two, my comments are going to be pretty short. I really enjoyed this prologue - getting some backstory on these characters was nice and I like how you established the world and time period, for at least in this moment, and that you created the beginning of a relationship that surely will grow as time passes. Guardian is interesting, and of course Evie and Cauis are definitely pitiable in their own ways, cause I mean very few people want to be a vampire, and that his whole life basically just got bulldozed and destroyed. I'm very much looking forward to seeing how their relationship changes and develops since this is definitely a rocky start. I really like your style of writing throughout this story and yeah that's it for now I think.






I can't really say much because I know you've caught up now so anything I say will be pretty redundant haha. Now you know how Caius and Evie first met, it wasn't the best start!



deleted868 says...


lol yup. Yeah that wasn't pretty.



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Wed Jan 20, 2016 12:31 pm
MichaelaBobbin wrote a review...



Dear Miss Potential.
I enjoyed this very much, I was a bit confused at the start with who was who and what was regarding them that I had to go back and re-read it a couple of times.
I also noticed a couple of sentence structural errors and that slipping back and forth between past and present tenses again. So editing is a major key here, I know I'll read mine about three times and still miss things and other times I'll pick them straight up. haha.
I take it that the girl being turned is our main protagonist in the book, so I cant wait to start reading them.
I also would really like to hear some feed back from you on some of my works if you have the time, I would like to know what you think. :))))
Mikki.






Hello again :)

Again, this isn't my fully edited version and you've picked up on the mistakes other people have already pointed out to me so just to save you repeating in later chapters you could just to a quick skim of what nit-picks others have written :)

The girl that has been turned is one of the pain protagonists... that's all I'm saying ;)

Of course I will check out your work because you have been so lovely :)



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megsug wrote a review...



Hey Miss~
You weren't kidding when you said this was long! I'll get to all of it (especially now that I've made you wait an eon) but I'll have to cut other reviews into it so I can serve everyone on my WRFF thread.

Alright! This was really interesting. I enjoyed it, and I didn't feel like I had to force myself through any part of this. The flow was great. I'm going to go ahead and get one nitpick out of the way.

Then her wounds start closing, sealing shut and leaving her skin pale and perfect once more.

You suddenly went into present tense. Start should be started.

So, when the two female vampires are called, one of their names is Corsette? That seems like a strange name, seeing as a corset is a part of ladies' underwear back then. Perhaps you mean Cosette?

Also around the part when they first bring the girl out, they keep referencing "her mistakes" which made me think that she was Caius' love. It's not a big deal, but that moment of uncertainty in the beginning can lead to a confused reader, and at the beginning of a story, that could be a reason for a reader to stop reading.

The other thing is, how can Caius believe he's going to let the three remaining humans go? He's in trouble for letting a human know vampires exist. These three humans have seen solid proof. It just seems shaky to me. Those humans seem like dead meat to me.

That's all I've got for the prologue! When I read a little farther, I'll let you know my opinion on whether you should keep it or not (I'm usually rather pro prologue myself, but we'll see)






I'm glad you enjoyed it :D

I do struggle with tenses so thanks for pointing that out.

And Caius was referring to the girl when he said that it is his mistake not hers, because she is being punished for what he did. She is completely innocent.

And vampires have a few tricks up their sleeves which could have possinly saved those humans. They can 'compel' humans to make them forget things so they could have left unscathed.

The prologue is really important because it combines this novel with the prequel novella I'm currently writing :) This whole piece couldn't work without it.

Thanks for the review!



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Sat Jan 10, 2015 2:01 am
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Dragongirl says...



Hello Ganga,

To start off I want to say this was enjoyable and easy to read. You writing is crisp without too many unnecessary frills.

So in the first paragraph you wrote.

"Ominous looking figures gathered in the graveyard behind a looming church. They were nightwalkers."

I am unsure if you needed that last sentence. It feels a bit like you are 'telling' the readers rather than 'showing' us what is in the graveyard. Also, what does that really tell your reader? We don't know what a nightwalker is, so what is the use of such a description? Yes, your readers can guess what a nightwalker is but it is always dangerous for a writer to just let their readers guess what they mean, unless, of course, you don't want your readers to know what a nightwalker is quite yet. So my advice would be get rid of "They were nightwalkers" or explain a bit more.

Maybe you are going for the mystery though, if so, nevermind. ;)

I did notice one typo.

"The crowd below him hissed, sniggered and bared their teeth at the lowly man in the centre* of them."

*I believe you may have meant to write 'center' here.

And one final nitpick, prologue are supposed to give a little back story for the main story, your prologue left me with lots of curiosity about Caius. Why he has morals? why he didn't want to become a maker? Is he different from most vampires because of these things? I don't know if this is a good or bad thing if the back story makes you want to have back story on the...well, back story. :)

I am not a huge fan of vampire novels normally, but I will have to keep my eye on this one as it is well written and looks to have the making of an actual original story line.

Nice work with the suspense in the last paragraphs, by the way.

Keep up the writing.

-DG






Hello :)

The term 'nightwalkers' is quite important and I want it to be included but maybe when I'm editing again, I might slip it into the dialogue instead. It should be pretty easy to guess what a nightwalker is seeing as its a vampire book and they have vampire characteristics. This is set before vampires were 'outed' as vampires, so that's why the term is different.

'Centre' is spelt right. I think you spell it 'center' in the US though..?

From prologues that I've read, they are supposed to give you a backstory with just enough info to get you intrigued and asking questions and I feel I've done that. It's got you asking questions haha. And they are all answered if you continue reading :)

From other comments I've had, people who don't usually like vampire novels have still enjoyed this. The vampire aspect is just one part, it mainly focuses on what it means to be human. I hope you do give it a go :)

I hope it's an original storyline! There're so many vampire stories out there that it's hard to be different. I have tried XD

Thanks for the review!



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Mon Sep 01, 2014 4:42 pm
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Linguistic wrote a review...



Hi there, Anna Rae in for a review :) I'm going to start off by saying that although it sounds like an interesting idea, the summary isn't incredibly hooking. Honestly, it didn't grab me at all.

So, adding onto that, I'll start with the bad stuff, so we can end on a good note :) I won't do little nitpicks because I've never been a great editor XD but I will tell you honestly what I think of everything else

Bad:

-When describing a character, you tend to use "his..." and "he.." (or her and she for girls) a lot. You don't always want to do that. Maybe use "the man's" or something else, so it doesn't seem so repetitive.

-"smeared red with tears"... are his tears red? More info please?

Now onto the good things!!! YAY

-I actually like how right at the beginning, you set the scene. Now I know what the date is, where they are, and such

-you have really great description of the people. I'd like a tad more about the surroundings, though, if you don't mind ;)

-the dialogue is very entertaining. It keeps the reader reading, and keeps the story on course

-the emotions are evident in here. Caius doesn't want to turn his beloved, but the main vampire is killing humans, and yada yada. In all, you did a very good job with character development.

-The ending DSAFLSDHAIHSDLKKVLSJALE so good! I want more more more!

Great job with this! That's about all I have to say :)

Happy writing!

~Anna Rae






I'm still working on the summary, I find it hard to write something that will grab peoples attention but also not give away too much. Because a hell of a lot happens in this book but I want most of it to remain a mystery. The summary only really focuses on one part of the whole novel.

I'll keep in mind about the 'he' 'she' thing and about the setting. I'm constantly going over and re-doing chapters :)

Yes, his tears are red. That's explained in the first chapter. Well...sort of. I don't like to info dump and let readers work things out for themselves.

I think character development is my strongest area in my writing and so I guess that's why setting and stuff lacks a little, so I'm glad you like my descriptions of my characters :) Shows I'm doing something right :P

Thank you for the review! I'd really appreciate it if you carried on reading and reviewing the other chapters I've uploaded. That's if you are interesting in continuing, of course ^_^



annardj12 says...


I'm very interested! I'm actually reviewing chapter one right now XD I think I might read all that you have because it's quite an interesting story!



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Thu Aug 14, 2014 9:50 am



Just dropping by to say that, having just read chapter one first: You don't need this prologue. It provides no information that didn't at least get hinted at in chapter one, and as the thing that snatches your reader's interest and keeps them turning pages? Chapter one is 100x better than this prologue. I would strongly advise that you cut this and treat it as a complimentary short story, rather than a prologue.






The prologue is to introduce the Vampire Court to the reader. Throughout the novel they are mentioned but not many characters really know about them as they are a very secretive organisation. I wanted the reader to have more knowledge than the characters and also to experience how Caius and Evie's relationship began. This night is referred back to throughout the story and bits are added to it but I wanted it to already be quite fleshy...if that makes sense.

After I have finished writing this novel, I am going to write a prequel novella written from Evie's perspective that starts just before what happens in this prologue and then carries on throughout the first few months of Evie and Caius' life together. This prologue provides a link to the two which I thought people would enjoy.



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Tue Aug 12, 2014 12:43 am
Sonder says...



Please continue! I love the idea!






Thank you! And I am :D



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Thu Aug 07, 2014 12:50 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



'“Because I have reason to believe' - there should probably be a dash before 'Because' because you put one at the end of the last section of speech.

I'm slightly concerned that you switch between perspective a lot and very suddenly. I'vg ae been warned about that in the past... actually I still have to fix it in one of my novels - but I understand now how difficult it can be to feel emotions towards a character when you are constantly seeing it through different people's eyes. I would say something like 'Everyone knew Caius loved his Catherine with all his un-beating heart'.

On the other hand you could have some sort of paragraph break to switch perspective because it seems kind of essential that the next section be from Caius' POV.

You have a similar problem with the last paragraph. I think it could feasibly be written from Caius' POV with you saying things like 'She would feel nothing/She could feel nothing' and 'She would be numb... and she must have been hungry.'

Other than that I thought this was excellent. There is jeopardy right from the beginning and that is always promising. Your characterisation is excellent. You could maybe do slightly more with setting. I am very interested to see what your plot will be. Your final sentence is incredibly intriguing, so intriguing in fact that I would very much like to be notified when you post your next chapter!

Well done :)






I'm sorry about the perspective thing, I'm still getting used to writing in 3rd person. I've edited it a little now so it's all from Caius' POV except the first section that I've separated.

Thank you so much! I know I haven't really written much about the setting but I didn't want it to slow down the pace and everyone knows what a creepy graveyard looks like :P

I wasn't able to write that much about the plot in the summary because it only gives you 150 characters (which is ridiculous!) but I like to think this novel explores the darkness of humanity through the eyes of people on the outside, which in this case is vampires.

I will let you know when the next chapter is up because by then I would have hopefully worked out how to navigate this website! Haha, I'm still a little new :P



ExOmelas says...


Ahhh right. Well, welcome to the sites and feel free to ask me if you have any questions. :D



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Thu Aug 07, 2014 12:42 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, MissGangamash. Wolf here for a review.

Alright, first things first. I can understand that you kind of want to get all this background information out of the way so you can get straight into the action. It's understandable, and I've done the same thing, but be very careful of what you put into a prologue. What I mean by this is, many prologues are unnecessary and here is a really good article talking about when to prologue and when not to. I'll just give a basic summary:

So, I notice this piece is kind of long. Now for a chapter, it's a good size, pretty average, but for a prologue this is quite long. Usually prologues are about 400 to 800 words long, tops. However, yours is about 1,600 words long. That might be a little bit of an issue. Again, I understand why you're doing this, but another thing I want to point out is that not a lot of readers actually read the prologue. So if this is some super important background history, it's best to just find a way to fit it in the actual chapters instead of a prologue. As mentioned in the article, prologues are only to he used with information that cannot be put anywhere else, but it not critical to the story.

Now, one thing that really struck me is that parts of this seem kind of choppy, the beginning especially. The beginning seems to kind of be telling rather than showing, and it didn't really seem to flow together very well. I recommend that you try to combine sentences here and there to have varying sentence lengths, because that will really help. Also, be careful for redundancy. Occasionally, I'll see three or four sentences starting with 'the' or 'he/his'.

So this is quite an interesting part, and we learn quite a bit about this character, Caius. I like how a lot of this is shown us through different methods, kind of like how we can assume they're not really human in the beginning just with the mention of fangs. You set the scene quite well, and I think you execute this nicely. Just be careful of the things I mentioned. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~






It is a little long, I guess, but not that much happens in it. I think the length would have been more of an issue if it was like super jam-backed with action so I'm not worried about that.

This prologue is important to the story and if people don't read prologues before reading the story, then they're just idiots. There is a reason there is a prologue! Everything I write has some sort of purpose and the prologue was for the reader to experience the Vampire Court first hand because they are discussed a lot in the story but a lot of it is speculation as they are a very reclusive organisation.

I know the beginning is more 'showing' and after reading it again, I understand what you mean about it not fitting in smoothly so I have separated it. I do struggle with the beginning of sentences and I agree that they do start the same =/ I'm trying to work on that.

That is another reason for this prologue, to understand Caius. The rest of the story is set 100 years from this point and Caius is a very different person because he still holds the burden of this particular night.

Thank you so much for the feedback. I really appreciate it :)




Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher