Young Writers Society

You did I an excellent job. The contrast in this is perfect and well done. Even though this is a poem or story about infatuation you didn't make it like a fairy tell. A lot of people your age always portray love as this great thing that always works out. Mature people know that it doesn't. However, when people first fall in love they think that the person is everything and has no flaws and then they realize that they are just people and they make mistakes and aren't perfect. I love how you incorporate this into your story. I also love how your poems starts off happy but in the middle it start to twist and at the end it is very solemn. Your poems also gives off a lesson in a way. There is nothing to critique because your poem is absolutely perfect. Your grammar is on point and your structure is impeccable. Keep up the good work. I love your description. You should seriously consider writing a longer story because your writing is really good. I will definitely read whatever you write.


"I'll never forget the way you looked at me
You something in me

And I will never forget the way you looked at me
You saw nothing in me"

These parts were really great and the contrast is extremely clever. Even though your sentences were different length it still flowed very well. Keep up the good work. Very nice work!

To me this is a good poem, the way your words actually created images that I could picture inside of my head. The way your words described the feelings that you, or your character, had through out the events that played out. You are really good with how you describe things. The only thing that I didn't like is when you said "I am now corrupt", to me this sentence didn't fit in this poem, but for all I know you may have had a different meaning for how you used it that I just don't see.

I don't know whether this poem is personal or not, and I won't ask if it is, but it's really, really beautiful all the same.

I suppose my only problem was this was the lack of... flow? I suppose? If that's the right word to use. A lack of rhyme in poetry is perfectly fine, if not sometimes better, but I personally prefer poems to have some sort of meter most of the time. Perhaps I just didn't catch onto it, but to me this didn't seem to have much of a rhythm, which usually puts me a bit off, but again, that's a personal preference and you may find the choppiness poetic in itself, which I completely respect. It just didn't come across as very smooth, in case that's what you were going for.

I loved the connections made with the colors of the eyes. The metaphor used when you said "burning down your wondrous forests" was beautifully subtle (albeit the word wondrous feels a bit awkward here? All the same).

i was ready to engulf your eye-squinting sunshine

and breathe your summer evening air.

Hello, Percybeth, join the Logan Lerman Club and follow me! This poem was really emotional, and that is a good thing. When people get depressed, it's not like they cry a few tears and get on with life. They throw theirselves down on pillows, stay in their rooms without eating, things like that. That may be a little over the top, but you get my point. You showed that, and I loved your comparison to the octopus, if that was what you meant, with the squirting out ink and everything. I encourage you to read all Percy Jackson books and Beyonders, I think you'll like it. Also try the Kane Chronicles, if you haven't already. Rick Riordan commented on Beyonders, so I want you to try them. Remember, the pen is mightier than the sword. Mostly.

-wisegirl22

I know I seem somewhat negative here, but I'm really not trying to bring you down so that you know. I think this is a great poem, but it has some contradictions which are unexplained. Why would you begin with saying the person saw something in you and end by saying he saw nothing? You talked a lot about yourself but never explained why he decided you had nothing in you. What changed his perspective? Or perhaps you didn't you mean that he had expectations. Why then did you say he saw something at the beginning? If you say that about him, you need to explain why he changed. Otherwise, mentioning his thoughts in the beginning is a bad idea. You did a wonderful job of describing yourself though. The poem is abundant with images of how you changed, and they're powerful. I don't see why you would suddenly be corrupt though. Do you mean that you felt corrupt? or that not getting the experiences you wanted to have with him literally corrupted you? because the thought of the latter is ridiculous. Maybe you could say you were disconsolate (hopelessly overwhelmed with sorrow)? Or maybe you felt foolish or embarrassed. But I think you should either use a different word or explain the thought of being corrupt in this context. Am I getting through? I'm certainly not trying to be mean. You did well: the poem was so emotional my spirits fell when I read this. It really is good, but it does need some more explanation. "Crippled," however, was well put. That word conveys how you bad you felt. Also, your mention of snow-capped mountains and of forests and of things like the "eye-squinting sunshine" really was moving. Thanks for that imagery. I'd probably give your whole poem an eight of ten. It truly portrays human sadness at the destruction of one's high expectation. It was good to see some feelings that I've felt before so beautifully written of. Thank you, Percybeth. I'm glad you posted this, and I'm glad I was able to read it. Thanks for this!

Hello Percybeth,

This poem holds so much emotion, it makes me want to cry. In a way, that's a good thing. Emotion is something I look for in writing, you can never have to much of it. If you find yourself crying while reading a book, it is a good book. I would like to see more poetry from you, it truly is magnificent.

~Kelpies.