z

Young Writers Society



Perfect paper people

by LordGreenleaf


There are two perfect paper people. 

They are beautiful.

Her hair is like corn silk

and her lips cherry red,

He has eyes like chips from the effortless blue sky,

that stretches over their perfect paper heads.

And he loves her.

He loves her like pens love paper

and she loves him like Lois Lane loves superman.

But perfect paper people

get perfect paper cuts

and soon those perfect paper cuts

are no longer quite so perfect.

And he still loved her like pens love paper

and she still loved him like Lois Lane loves Superman,

but something was wrong.

She tried to sew their hearts together,

but he grew cold

and his eyes frosted over.

She cried paper tears that where definitely not perfect

and cut off her perfect paper hair till he could not

recognize her perfect paper face.

They argued over their paper possessions,

things that had once been theirs 

where now either yours or mine.

And her paper heart ripped,

ripped until it fell like snow

onto his cold pillow.

And the boy with the storm colored eyes

did not look back at the girl with the boyish hair and pale lips.

He kept his heart locked away,

its icy centre never quite thawing

because he never again met a girl

who could lose the key to a heart

that was as much his,

as it was hers. 


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28 Reviews


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Mon Aug 04, 2014 7:08 pm
FearlessLove4 wrote a review...



This is amazing.

I love your descriptions. So strong and so beautiful. You had my attention until the end. It was so great! I think it was toward the middle where I started to get goosebumps because your writing just gripped me. This is such a unique way to describe a relationship, and I adore it.
I can't wait to read more of your writing!

~FearlessLove4




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Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:59 pm
eleutheromania wrote a review...



........I'm speechless. This....is....amazing! The sorrow in every letter tugged at my heart and made the meaning in everything find its definition by the depth of this poem's emotion. This is incredible! I love everything about this. The metaphors you used and the pattern to put it all together is so beautiful. I was choking up reading this because of how honestly painful every word of this expression is. To be able to put into writing the struggles of two people who lost love and the hindrances that were birthed in their child because of their loss is not an easy capability to obtain. You're work in this poem is so thought-provoking and caused me as the reader to find empathy toward the entire situation. I can't wait to read more from you. Always keep writing.






Thank you so much!



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Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:45 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya, Lord, here as requested :D

I'll start off with what I liked, and I agree that the contrast between the beginning at the end is really good because I wasn't expecting the ending at all really when reading the first few lines. Your idea of 'perfect' people is shown really well, and the fact that these 'perfect' people couldn't have a perfect relationship is an interesting analogy. Also, there is some really dark imagery in here which fits the poem well.

Her hair is like corn silk

and her lips cherry red,

Just in terms of the flow, I don't think you need to include the word 'her' again.

The title is called 'perfect paper people' and that phrase is mentioned in the actual poem, but then I don't really see any more links to how to people are like 'paper'. I think it's cool that you've used this extended metaphor, but I don't really get what you're trying to say. Is it that they're paper people, and so aren't real? I think you need to state more how they are 'paper' people, is it that they can be destroyed easily, or have thin personalities? You should try and show this, what YOU meant by 'paper people'.

Secondly, I agree that the repetition of word 'perfect' is good, but after a while it become kind of tedious to be reading it in a lot of the lines. I'd suggest using it at the beginning and the end, because then it sort of ties the whole poem together, giving it a theme.

He loves her like pens love paper

and she loves him like Lois Lane loves superman.

I found these similes quite... odd. The superman thing makes sense, but the paper and pen thing is a bit strange. Either way, I think you need to use similes here of relationships that really don't work, or just show how these relationships didn't work. Pen loves paper, but pen ruins paper by writing all over it. Or like superman is always too busy to be with Lois Lane.

Overall, I thought this poem was good as it strikes a lot of emotion, and there is some really good imagery. Just remember that if you're going to use an extended metaphor like 'perfect paper people' you need to explain/ justify it a bit. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x






Thank you, and yes I'm thinking about modifying it to include the meaning of the paper people,



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Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:21 pm
R0nnie wrote a review...



.






Thank you, that means a lot



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Thu Jul 31, 2014 3:37 pm
KikiT27 wrote a review...



Hi LordGreenLeaf!
I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I always find that writing from personal experience and problems creates the best writing because you can really create a heartfelt piece. I only have one suggestion you use the word paper a lot and I understand you're using the repetition to get your point across, but I think there is a couple times that you don't need to use it to create the point. Like when you have the line about crying tears I don't think you need the paper. That's my only criticism because otherwise it's a spectacular poem with a relatable story.





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