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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Battle Arena 1; Exiting Short Story: So, What Would You Do for Magic?

by ANADIR


“So, what would you give away to have magic?”

That was the question that changed everything. The question that millions wish to hear more than anything and the question that I, like so many people before me, wish that we had never heard.

I was sixteen at the time that I heard that question. If you were to ask one of our number where we had heard it, it differs with each of us. But one thing is always the same. No matter who asks us the Question always looks sad. They have shrunken eyes, like dark, never-ending pools of death. Their bodies are scarred and damaged, and their hair scarce and dark.

My foolish sixteen year old self peered at the horrible figure standing before me with a mixture of horror and disgust. What on earth had happened to this poor man? Heck, I wasn’t even sure if this WAS a man! The figure reached out to me, and I instinctively leapt back.

“A-are you ok?” I asked in a shaky voice.

Back then, I was built like a brick. I was six feet one, and nothing scared me. Except for creepy old figures that look like zombies from an old movie.

“So, what would you give away to have magic?” The figure wheezed in a broken voice.

I frowned. The poor thing was senile! However, I decided to play along. After all, this was how most books where the main character gains his magic and goes on an adventure start. I happened to be an avid reader, and often dreamed about gaining magic myself.

“Anything. I mean, with magic, just think about what I could do! I could cure cancer with a word! I could stop wars with a single spell! Why wouldn’t anyone want magic?”

The figure chuckled weakly. With inhumane speed, it suddenly stood before me, revealing a full view of the man-no; this was not a man. The creature that stood before me, dead eyes peering into my own. I found myself frozen in place, unable to move an inch.

“Then, have your magic. Have it all! I don’t want this damn curse! What is done shall be done, make way for the path of eternal darkness!” He screamed, and the lights in the small alley all shattered.

The darkness enveloped everything, and all I knew was pain. When I awoke, the alley and the creature were gone. I stood alone, staring in wonder at a majestic paradise. The glowing lands shone like warm honey drizzled over steaming pancakes in the morning, and the smell of fresh dew filled my nostrils.

I could dimly hear the sound of people laughing and giggling, and I knew that without a doubt, there was no other place I would rather be. I rushed towards it, a huge grin plastered on my face. Just before my foot was graced by the most wondrous land that I had ever, or would ever, see, an unseen force hurled me backwards.

I stared in confusion as a tall man stepped away from the beautiful land to speak with me. On his back were two mighty white wings and he shone with a silvery aura of light and love. He shook his head sadly. “Oh child. You poor, foolish child. You have accepted curse of darkness, and may never walk in the lands of light. You are eternally cursed to walk the earth, alone and decrepit, until some fool such as yourself takes this from you.”

I stared at him in confusion, tears beginning to stream down my face. Rage soon took over my sadness, and I leapt to my feet. “Who are you to tell me that I cannot go to that land? I will destroy you who attempts to cheat me of my rights!”

Darkness roared to life behind me. A ball of fire formed in my hand, and I hurled it at the glowing man. It slammed into his stomach, and he winced. Shrugging it off, he stepped towards me. The ground at my feet begun to darken. It started to crack, and pieces of it began falling away.

“It has begun. You have accepted your curse completely, and it will utterly consume you. However, I will offer you one last thing. Behold what you could have been, what you WOULD have been, had you followed the God's plan for you, and lived true. For the God's plan was there, for you to grasp! He gave you the blueprints to what you wanted, yet you rejected them. So see now, how you have truly betrayed not only yourself, but the very Earth!”

As the ground crumbled around me, a shimmering screen appeared before me. On it, I saw a proud figure, practically glowing with happiness. I knew that, without a doubt, this man was who I could have been. Who I should have been. He stood upon a podium, surrounded by a cheering crowd. He held up a vial with a lightly colored liquid. The crowd cheered around him as the ground under my feet continued to crumble away. Just as I begun to fall through the ground like the rest of the dirt, the screen zoomed out, and I read the writing on the banner above the man.

“…The Cure to Cancer found! Thousands of lives saved!”

Then I was gone, crashing back to earth, never again to see the glory of the holy lands.

I slammed into the ground, surrounded by others like me; those who had foolishly chosen the same path that I had. I instinctively knew that I looked just like the poor creature that had damned me to this fate in the first place.

So we looked up at the darkened sky, black clouds concealing the glory we all longed for. Then we were gone, dashed across the earth like salt. But we were separated, not dead. We still walk this wretched land, looking for a way to free ourselves from this curse. And sometimes, we find someone just like us; someone who can take this curse from us. So, I ask you, dear reader.

“What would you give away to have magic?”


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Thu Jul 31, 2014 7:58 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Andy, sorry it took me so long!

Okay, so I think you did a good job in building up a really exciting scene full of drama. The fighting bit is pretty cool, as you described it really well, and it just works, really. Also I like the repetition of the last liner.

So some specific things first~

If you were to ask one of our number where we had heard it,

I don't really understand this sentence, what is 'our number'?

After all, this was how most books where the main character gains his magic and goes on an adventure start.

This sentence sounds a bit odd when read, I think something like this would be better~
After all, this was how most books started where the main character gains his magic and goes on an adventure.

I think the main problem here is your ability to really draw the readers in. Obviously, it's really hard to describe a setting and story with action in only 1000 words, however some of it just gets really confusing so it's not as exciting to read. When the reader doesn't really know what's going on, they tend to skim through the piece, even with your great sort of battle scene type thing. So I'd say, just try and explain everything that's going on a bit more.

The other thing to say is just one suggestion for your action bit, really. I think you should try and vary your sentence lengths a bit more, some more shorter sentences would be good as it build up tension. I feel like that bit kind of rises too quickly, so maybe slow it down a bit with how the MC feels, and then bring in all the action and fighting.

Overall, this was cool. It's hard to critique stuff seeing as you have a word limit. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x




ANADIR says...


can you check out my other SS if you have time? :D



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 11:29 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey! I've come. 8)

I actually enjoyed reading this a lot. I like the whole idea, plot, everything! The thing I thought was in a way refreshing was that it didn't have a cheesy, happy ending. Though there was still a kind of bitter hope when he asked the question at the end. I found it in a way mocking, or scoffing, like he asked the question so often that he was asking it in a very spiteful way. At least that's what it seemed like, and I thought it was a very good ending.

There isn't much that needs critiquing... I loved your imagery, and story telling skills in general. There were a few grammar mistakes, or typos, but most of them you can easily spot by quickly reading through again. There is one mistake that I thought I'd point out because I think it will be useful to know for the future:

I was six feet one,


Normally people say 'six foot one', although I can understand the mistake because 6'1 is plural... it is odd that they made the terminology sound incorrect... mind you, this is English we're talking about. ;)

Other than that, there's nothing I can think of! I think I'm going to read your next short story as well. :-D Keep up the great writing!!!

-Socks




ANADIR says...


thanks!!! :D



Holysocks says...


Anytime bro! :-P



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 4:01 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



In answer to your question, I would give you the elephant in the room, because no one is supposed to mention it. (That was the worst joke I've ever told.)

Anyways, onto the review!

As an overall impression, I really like this piece. The theme isn't unique, but the execution of the theme is stellar. The very fact that it's told from someone doomed do darkness makes it more effective.

However! There are some things that must be fixed.

I was sixteen at the time that I heard that question.
Um... you could just use 'when' here.
But one thing is always the same. No matter who asks us the Question always looks sad.
Okay, two things: First, I'd put in a colon instead of a period. And second, you need to fix the second part. There are two ways of fixing this: you can put a comma after 'question' and a 'they' after it (and conjugate 'looks' accordingly), or you can replace 'No matter' with either 'anyone', or 'everyone'.
The creature that stood before me, dead eyes peering into my own.
Normally, I don't point out incomplete sentences because I assume they are done on purpose, but this one seems accidental. Did you mean to follow up with a description?
“Then, have your magic.
Since this is dialogue, it doesn't really follow traditional prepositional phrase rules. There shouldn't be a comma there (I mean, we don't pause after that 'then', right?).

I only saw one problem that repeats itself, and that is your use of semicolons. Please remember that semicolons only have two uses: the more common one is to separate two very close, relevant independent clauses that are in the same sentence. The second is to separate complex members of a list. Usually, you can replace a semicolon with a comma, and the problem will be fixed.

On a brighter, note, I like the contrast you've used to set apart the more dramatic scenes. Your language gets a bit more on the poetic side as soon as your character's emotions run higher, and it stands out against the more straightforward style of the rest of the piece.

This is a well-plotted short, and the moral is well-put. Good job!
-Bug




ANADIR says...


Thanks a lot for the review! I was a little rust on the semicolons, I'll admit... XD. and I'll fix those grammar mistakes. :D



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:34 am
ANADIR says...



To be honest, I'm writing this because I'm curious If i can review my own work... XD. I'm just going to point out a few things that i did wrong then... XD. I think I should have capitalized or italicized/bolded the You in "What would you give away to have magic?" To emphasize it more. There were quite a few places where I had too many commas, like, near, the, last, paragraph, where, the, last, sentence, reads, pretty, much, like, this. Maybe I should change "I slammed into the ground, surrounded others like me;" To "I slammed into the ground, and found myself surrounded by those who had the same curse as I."

Well, I really can't say anything good about my own work since that's like shaking my own hand, so I guess this is it! I hope you liked this short story! :D




ANADIR says...


yeh, it didnt work. XD




Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.