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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Methuselah

by skorlir


"... And lest you forget —"

He deepened his voice:

"Methuselah's middle name will always keep you young."

There came a peep from a mound of comforter and afghan on a bed against the wall. "What was his middle name, Dad?"

He smiled, felt his eyes crinkling and dimples deepening, and sighed.

"You've forgotten? My, how you've gotten old."

The mound rustled and emitted a groan.

"Dad! Please?"

He waited. Slowly, a head and hands emerged from the bottom of the bed. It shook lightly.

"Hey—! No kicking, Samuel. And why are you sleeping upside down, you foolish boy?"

A voice piped up from the other side of the room.

"Daddy, I'm sleeping right-side-up."

He looked to his daughter, and smiled again. "You are. You're a good girl, Clara."

He turned, and sat down on his son's bed. 

"I'm not going to be able to remember Methuselah's name if you don't lay with your head right, Samuel."

He paused. He put his hands down, pursed his lips, and gazed thoughtfully away.

"Or... maybe I'm remembering backwards? Oh - everything's jumbled—!"

He hopped up and down, shaking the bed lightly, and shouted:

"Hurry, Samuel! Before I start to remember everything backwards! Oh no, it's starting! Leumas, pleh! Leumas!"

Light brown eyes flitted beneath the covers, then surfaced at the head of the bed. Samuel sat up, leaning toward his father.

"Look, Daddy! I moved! Please talk normal again!"

"Oh, Samuel!" He clutched his chest. "I thought I was a goner that time."

He smiled again, for the third time that night. He gave the boy a quiet kiss on the forehead, stood, and said "goodnight."

"... But Daddy," a tiny voice (somewhat desperately) asked, "what was Methuselah's middle name? I don't want to get old—" 

A girl's silhouette arose, and turned to look; and, for a moment, her auburn strands of hair glinted in the lamplight.

"... like Samuel," she finished.

Standing in the doorway, he chuckled and turned around.

"Very well, Clara. I don't want you getting any older, either."

He paused for a long while in the doorway, breathing deeply.

"Methuselah's middle name... the secret to his many, many years... was..."

He breathed out. And in. And then he breathed, in a loud whisper:

"Jim-Bob."

The room rang with his children's laughter. He smiled for the final time; turned out the lamp; and said:

"Goodnight. I love you both."

.

...

.

Many years passed since the children last enjoyed their father's bedtime stories. They lived separate lives, in separate rooms... And grew apart, as children do.

But still, from time to time, he came to Samuel's room, smiled at his son, and whispered:

"What was Methuselah's middle name?"

And he would hear a loud breath, and then - quiet as a mouse - 

"Jim-Bob."

He would smile. 

"Goodnight son." 

And, after a moment, he'd hear: "Goodnight."

And, some mornings, he would wake his daughter with his hand on her shoulder, and ask her the same question.

She would reach up, put her hand against his cheek, and say:

"Jim-Bob... can I go back to sleep now?"

.

...

.

Samuel graduated. And then so did Clara. Samuel married, and then did Clara. 

Clara had the first child.

He came to the hospital room, shook his son-in-law's hand, and smiled: his eyes crinkling, and dimples deepening.

Clara looked up at him.

"We still haven't picked a name."

She looked at the bundle in her arms, and up again, smiling.

"What do you think?"

He tilted his head, bunched his lips to the side, and paused.

"...

"Jim-Bob?"

Clara laughed. 

"No, seriously, Daddy..."

"I am serious," he laughed back.

.

...

.

Every year, Samuel and his daughter and wife would fly down; and Clara and her husband, and their two sons, would drive up; and the family would all spend Christmas Eve together.

That night, he stooped in the doorway, and he breathed in and out slowly.

Clara whispered to her husband, "He used to do this when we were kids..." 

And she smiled.

He breathed in one large breath, and whispered loudly: "Jim-Bob."

The children erupted in laughter. He smiled, and turned, and Clara kissed him on the forehead and said: "Goodnight, Dad."

.

...

.

His grandchildren, when they visited, sometimes asked: "Grandpa, do you remember that story you used to tell? About Methuselah's middle name? What was it again?"

And he would smile, and, without looking up from his workbench or stove, he'd say "Oh, you remember, don't you?"

When they didn't respond, he'd sigh:

"Why, Jim-Bob, of course!"

.

...

.

He laid in bed more than he used to. 

He was always tired; but still, every day, he slipped into a pair of slippers, and walked softly through the garden.

When Samuel visited this year, he asked his father: 

"Do you remember that bedtime story you used to tell us?

"We used to love it so... the one about Methuselah?"

He smiled, felt his eyes crinkling and dimples deepening, and looked up from his chair.

"Of course I do, Jim-Bob."


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Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:10 am
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Hmmm, this seems like a super-sweet story, bordering on amazing.

Although, I do think you should go for more description and the like, the emotion that this story portrays is exceptional. It tells a story about a dad and his two children, and you keep a single feeling factor going, throughout the entire work. It's truly beautiful! :D

"... And lest you forget —"

He deepened his voice:

"Methuselah's middle name will always keep you young."


Hmm, to be honest I'm not quite understanding your way of doing m-dashes, and ellipses. It seems rather out of place and way too obvious. For instance, the ellipses that you use in the beginning, shouldn't really be there. Actually, if you want you could cut out the m-dash at the end and place the ellipses there instead, as an ellipses represents a pause, and that's what you're going for I think. :D M-dashes are used to separate a completely separate thought from the sentence while it still being part of the sentence. And in this case, you are using it incorrectly, as you aren't separating anything. :D Hope that made a bit of sense!

Secondly, I'm not entirely sure why you have a colon after your description. It really has no place there in my mind, and doesn't look right. I'd suggest replacing it with a comma, and then making the sentence longer, with more description added in.

He turned, and sat down on his son's bed.


I pulled this out to just show it as an example. Now normally I don't nitpick stuff like this, but it seemed too obvious to me.

Your paragraphs seem SUPER short to me. Now typically your paragraphs should be three to five sentences long, on average. So it OK to have a one sentence paragraph, or even a 7 sentence one. But not throughout the entire piece. It would seem so empty to your readers! To just have little bits of description, and then some dialogue thrown in, won't cut what you're trying to do here. A paragraph is one idea! So if every idea that came across was a sentence long, then there isn't enough there for your reader to consume. They will need more! So you'll have to fill those gaps with some more description, of maybe the room, and the actual characters

I also think what you're trying to get at here, will require some serious description of the feelings. Now obviously you can't do that, by using a direct line of thought, as this appears to be second person, and not first or third, but there's always ways to do it.

Like you could use more descriptive ways of describing facial expressions, and maybe describe the voices more. :D

Clara laughed.

"No, seriously, Daddy..."


OK, with this I thought I'd show you exactly what I meant, by making it seem fuller. Put the part with Clara laughed. right before the dialogue. Like this!

Clara laughed. "No, seriously, Daddy..."


That way it immediately transitions into the dialogue, while we still have the idea of what the preceding action was. And then fill in those gaps with some more serious description of their surroundings.

separate rooms... And grew apart


No caps necessary on and, as it's still part of the sentence and not the beginning of a new one. :D

whispered loudly:


OK, I think I have it down, on why you use the colon's. I think you do for placement of the dialogue right before the description! Hmm, the proper grammar form for that, would be a comma instead of a colon. So when a action precedes some dialogue, and you are connecting the two, then a comma connects them, NOT a colon. :D

OK, that just might be all from me. Sorry, if this review focused mainly on grammar, but I just want to you to know that I LOVE THIS IDEA. It sooo beautiful and pure, that (like Liaya said) it really hit my core!

Keep writing!

~Cricket




skorlir says...


An em-dash, in the case of the first sentence, signifies an abrupt interruption; or, to signify that the last word is clipped. While I believe the usage is correct, I do understand your confusion.

And the ellipsis is "leading" - as in to suggest there was more to the story leading up to that grand finale. I can also see why you might find that confusing.

The usage of a colon is explicit, of course, as you noticed. It's purely stylistic/aesthetic. I was cheating, perhaps a little, on my own exercise - perhaps I would insist on stark words and paragraphs, but I would certainly not stand for boring punctuation. :)

Also, in general concerning your suggestion to add more description, make longer sentences, etc.: The work is meant to be... unadorned. Lacking decoration. Stark. A very strong contrast to my typical style. :) It was partially an exercise. I do like how (at least) one reader interpreted the short lines as being mildly poetic. It is... a choice, I guess, which maybe changes how the work is best categorized. It's a little strange. Obviously YWS doesn't have a built-in category for "Poem-ish prose-y words and stuff." If we could get Nate to add one, however, the possibilities would be... endless. :D ("What if pizza was infinite?")

Line breaks, such as where "Clara laughed" is separated from her dialogue, are also explicit. Because I couldn't decide if it was really prose or a poem, and because of the way I tended to read the lines (what with them being so short), I choose to do things this way. I'm well aware that the transition is less explicit, but thanks for pointing it out - it brings it back into consideration.

Aha - a correction I fully agree with. Yes, "And" should be "and," as the ellipsis does not signify the start of a new sentence. Good eye.

Bah, proper grammar. Working grammar; proper grammar; grammar spelled with an "I." Balderdash and hogwash. I'm a thickheaded grammar nut in most cases, but the difference between using a colon and a comma is a thin line. Authors and usageasters differ - as in, authors often break the less-important rules (and actually sometimes the important ones too - see e.e.cummings) because "pfffftt~ rules."

I'm supremely glad you enjoyed the work. I responded so thoroughly only to elucidate my reasoning, and assure you that your suggestions are not taken lightly - only... selectively, I guess. :)

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:10 pm
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Masquerade wrote a review...



Hello. Before I dive in I've got a few nitpicks that stood out to me:

"There came a peep from a mound of comforter and afghan on a bed against the wall."

This sentence feels rather awkward. I don't think the phrasing "a mound of comforter and afghan" really works. I'd reword this sentence.

"and turned to look; and, for a moment"

I don't think you need a semi colon here. I think another comma would work.

Alright, into the story. I thought the idea behind this story is very sweet. You have a simple style that suits this kind of story which I liked. I did feel, though, like it could use some more development. I'm getting the impression of this kind father and his children that, despite time and age and life going on, are always connected by this story he told them as children, which is a lovely sentiment, but I felt like the importance of it wasn't developed as much as it could have been. The story Jim-Bob reference popping up every once in a while was funny and cute, but I would have loved to see some more emotion about it from the father. Perhaps some nostalgia for when his kids were kids contrasted with the joy of seeing them grow up and have their own children? I think the idea of Methuselah's middle name keeping them young really lends itself to this reaction.

I also would have liked to have gotten some more of the Methuselah story in the beginning. It's continually referenced as the story he told them as children, but in the first section of the story we don't actually get to see him telling much of a story, just that Methuselah's middle name would keep them young. I would have liked to see the father tell the children more about Methuselah.

I think you've got a great start here. I can see this being developed into a really lovely story. I enjoyed reading it.

-Masq




skorlir says...


Hmmm. I agree that the sentence you point out (as your first nitpick) is a little lengthy. Perhaps a little strangely worded.

The semi-colon is technically as correct as can be. There is, of course, a wide margin on the exact definition of "correct grammar." Not when you're being tested on it, of course - but in practice, authors favor convention over strict rules; convention being, more often that not, whatever an author has him/herself previously done. :P Nonetheless, it's a thin argument either way, and I prefer the way the semicolon reads/looks. More of a half-stop or a delimiter than just another comma.

Ha! I don't have a simple style. I'm glad you noticed that, though, and liked it. It was an exercise to write in this way - the key direction in my edits was "stark; simple." Very, very unusual for me to write this way. It was actually quite hard. -_-

Mmm... I played for a little while with the number of vignettes and the amount of information to provide in the story. I ultimately avoided all recollections or 'thought sequences' insofar as I could; which was, again, purposeful. So, while I appreciate your feeling that it might be helpful to see nostalgia expressed by the father, I wanted to leave emotion (apart from smiles as cues) as an exercise to the reader. Again, it was a choice made in order to better suit the exercise: a more "stark, simple" style.

Hah. Again, I omitted any details on the story because, while it may make you wonder, it's not absolutely essential to appreciating the message of the piece. And, also, I could NOT think of anything suitable. XD

Thanks for the review.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir



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Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:59 am
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Liaya wrote a review...



I really, really, really love this. It IS beautiful. I'm not going to try picking it apart or anything -- sorry, I know most find that kind of thing useful -- but I don't want to ruin how lovely it is. If you want me to come tell you more say so and I will do so. Later. Right now I just want to bask in the sweetness of this poem. It was extremely freestyle, but I like that, and it really hit me at my core. Thank you so much for posting this! I want to read more poetry and stories like this one. They leave me with a feeling of lightness most media cannot give todoay. Thank you!




skorlir says...


What a flattering commentary, masquerading as a review.

Not that I am upset, but, in the future, I think most authors would appreciate if you posted comments as comments - not reviews.

That said: thanks for your comment. :)



Liaya says...


Haha sorry about that. I had originally planned on doing a proper review, so I clicked the button, and then realized I was too emotionally worn down to be critical. I didn't even realize I failed to switch it back over! It was an honest mistake. :)



skorlir says...


It's fine. Glad you liked it.




"I feel like if men sent unsolicited dragon pics instead of *other* unsolicited pics they’d get a lot further in life"
— ShadowVyper