z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

A War With No End Chapter 6

by ANADIR


I found myself staring into a large silver wall. I looked around, and found that we were in a room. “Huh, that’s strange. It looks like we got dropped off in somebody’s room.” Lilly was already half way through pulling her gun out when a door appeared in the wall and opened. A tall humanoid, probably somewhere around nine feet, walked into the room and held out a hand. “Hello, Mr. Jinx and Ms. Swift. We’ve been expecting you.” I chuckled, and shook the offered hand. “Did you pull that out of a cheesy Si-fi movie?” “No response.” “So, care to tell me how you know our names?” I asked. The humanoid nodded. “Please follow me.” I followed him out of the room, and Lilly carefully followed, her hand resting on her weapon the entire time. The hallway he led us through had glass walls, allowing us to look outside. The city outside was simply astounding. The houses were all hovering in the air, suspended by some unknown technology. Connecting them were hallways much like the one I was currently walking through, and as I watched, the floating pathways would often move between houses to allow the humanoid creatures to move about freely. “How is everything floating?” Lilly asked. “Oh, that’s one of our older inventions. It’s pretty simple when you look back on it. You see, we have a machine that allows us to set a point of increased gravity for a single object. All we have to do is attach four to a house, and set the points in a square where each vertex is equidistant from the center of the house. Since each point is set to the same power, it keeps the house suspended in the middle.” I whistled slowly. “That’s amazing! I don’t care if you guys give us an army, but I need to get my hands on one of those! Oh, you never told me your name. It would be a common courtesy, considering you already know ours somehow.” “My apologies, Mr. Jinx. I doubt a human could pronounce my name correctly, so you may refer to me as John.” “Where are you taking us?” Lilly growled. John raised a waxy eyebrow. “You have a strong temper on you, Ms. Swift. Please calm yourself, my kind and I mean you no harm.” “I don’t care about that! If you tried to attack me, I’d kill the lot of you! But since we aren’t in the Void anymore, doesn’t that mean that time is moving again in the Pisces Empire?” John grimaced when Lilly mentioned the Pisces Empire. “Indeed, but the speed time passes in that packet of time relative to you two will not be normal. For all we know, it could be moving so slowly that a second here on Iropolice could be equivalent to a year there.” “But that means that a second there could also be equivalent to a year here, right?” John grimaced. “Indeed. Therefore, we should try to conclude your business here as quickly as possible. I am taking you to our leader now, and many of our people come to help with the process. We already know what you want.” We reached the end of the pathway, and John pressed his hand to the wall. A doorway appeared, and we walked into the building. He led us through several other pathways and small buildings until we reached a large dome. “This is where the process will be held. Please enter and wait for a moment while our people gather. This is as far as I will be able to go, so good luck.” I thanked him, walked into the large glass dome. There was a small circle in the middle with half a fence around one side, so I figured that was where I was supposed to go. I walked over to it, and leaned against the railing. Above me, thousands of humanoids were gathering in the stands. The stands hovered above the flat ground in a full circle, much like a football game. Lilly walked over to me, and glared at the people in the stands. “Where’s their leader? We don’t have time for this!” I shushed her. “Just enjoy the view! Do you think you’ll ever see something like this again in your life? This is just awesome.” “But the Pisces Empire is in trouble!” I rolled my eyes. Frankly, I couldn’t care less. The Pisces Empire was just a powerful nation that conquered many others and forced them to bend to its rule. It was just a huge bully. A bully that managed to take over a playground consisting of many different worlds. “Silence please! Everyone, the Leader will now address the problem brought to us by Mr. Jinx and Ms. Swift!” Everyone immediately stopped talking and we all looked towards a small hovering platform, where a woman stood. She grinned at her people, and looked down at us. The platform we were standing on shuddered, and rose slowly into the air until it hovered before hers. “You come to the Iropolice requesting aid for your war, correct?” She called. “Yes! We need you to give us troops to help fight off a strange aggressor who has attacked the Pisces Empire for no reason! We will gladly repay you and return the remaining troops you loan us when the war is over!” Lilly yelled back. I winced. When you put it that way, it doesn’t help your cause much. Heck, It sounded like she was TELLING them to give us their troops. “We have known you would be coming for quite some time now, Ms. Smith. Normally, we try to help all those who visit us, but there is a problem this time. You see, the Iropolice are a peaceful people. We have not fought in a war in almost a thousand years, and see no reason to do so now. Can you give us a good reason to support you in this battle?” Lilly glared at them, and went to pull her gun. I grabbed her hand. “We want them to help us, and shooting at them isn’t going to make them happy!” Lilly glared at me. “We need troops from every single place we stop at! We can’t waste a single Leap, or we won’t have enough troops to fight this enemy who is attacking the Pisces Empire now!” I cleared my throat. “Please, our people need help! Our people are in danger from a strange enemy who is easily defeating us as we speak! If he manages to beat the Pisces Empire, he could come after you next!” The Leader nodded slowly. “Very well. The people will now vote on your request. Please submit your votes immediately, people of Iropolice!” Everyone in the stands dispersed, and the Leader turned back to us. “We will have the results of your request sometime this week.” Lilly’s jaw hit the floor, and surprise covered my own face. “A week? Can’t you do this any faster?” “I swear, I’ll kill you don’t give us what we need! Hand it over, you overgrown hag!” Lilly screeched. The Leader laughed, and her platform turned and left the dome. Ours slowly lowered, and returned back to its original position. “It’s only a week, Lilly. We can look around while we wait!” I suggested. Lilly glared at me. “We don’t have time to waste! I bet if I hold their leader hostage, they’ll act quicker!” “Lilly! You have to stop this. You can’t just resort to violence every time something doesn’t work out for you! You can’t just kill and trick people to help yourself, you know. You’ve got to think about how they feel too!” Lilly spat on the ground. “How they feel doesn’t matter. Don’t you understand that once we leave this planet, we’ll never see them again? It’ll be like they never existed.” “But they do exist! Just because we can’t see what we did to them anymore, it doesn’t mean that it never happened! They have the same right to living that we do, and nobody gave you the authority to be able to take that away from them!” Lilly patted her pistol. “This baby here did. This is all the authority I need. If you don’t toughen up, you’re going to die early. Don’t try to bring me down with you.” She spun around and strode out of the dome, leaving me watching after her sadly.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 5000
Reviews: 93

Donate
Thu Aug 14, 2014 3:30 pm
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



HopelessAbandon here again!

Just gonna jump right in!

Lilly was already half way through pulling her gun out when a door appeared in the wall and opened.

Why does she always jump right to violence? She's trying to bargain with people for troops, she shouldn't be whipping her gun out every chance she gets.
“No response.”

This seems like something strange for someone to say. If there was no response, you shouldn't put it in quotations, but if he is speaking, "no comment" or something like that would sound a lot better.
I don’t care if you guys give us an army,

He hasn't mentioned to this guy that he needs an army yet, so the fact that he says it kind of offhand seems out of place and tactless.
but the speed time passes in that packet of time relative

Do you mean to say pocket of time?
equivalent to a year here, right?” John grimaced.

I would suggest using a different verb than "grimaced" because you use it at least twice for John, right in a row.
Lilly glared at them, and went to pull her gun. I grabbed her hand. “We want them to help us, and shooting at them isn’t going to make them happy!” Lilly glared at me.

You say that Lilly "glared" a lot. I would suggest changing some of them, but that's just me.
people will now vote on your request. Please submit your votes immediately, people of Iropolice!”

You use the word "people" a lot as well, and it sounds a bit repetitive after a while.
“We will have the results of your request sometime this week.”

She said sometime this week, that doesn't mean its going to take a whole week, just that they'll have the results in seven days or less. I would suggest changing the phrasing if you want it to mean a full week.


General:
I don't understand why Lilly is so worried about time. They're time travelers, are they not? So they could just go back in time to the moment they were sent out to find an army. It would be like they hadn't left at all.
I really like the way you describe these aliens, but more of the details such as what exactly the people look like would be helpful.

Great chapter, but you could using a thesaurus for some of these more common phrases like "glare" would be something you might want to consider.

HoplessAbandon




ANADIR says...


Ok, thanks for the review! As I said in your earlier reviews, they do have a limit of jumps, so they can't just waltz around wasting them. :3



User avatar
68 Reviews


Points: 6931
Reviews: 68

Donate
Tue Aug 12, 2014 5:57 pm
turtlethatroars wrote a review...



Hello!

Suggestions

Lilly was already half way through pulling her gun out when a door appeared in the wall and opened.
Half way through what? If you mean she was half way through with pulling her gun out I would say that. It makes more sense that way.
I followed him out of the room, and Lilly carefully followed,
You are a bit repetitive here. I would change this to say that "Lilly carefully did the same,"
Heck, It sounded like she was TELLING them to give us their troops.
The i in "It" should be lowercase.

These are just suggestions and you don't have to do them if you feel they don't need to be done. It's your work, do as you wish with it. :)

Lovely Things
The floating houses seem to be really cool. :)
“But they do exist! Just because we can’t see what we did to them anymore, it doesn’t mean that it never happened! They have the same right to living that we do, and nobody gave you the authority to be able to take that away from them!”
I really like this little bit here! :D

An Overview
So overall, there wasn't many errors at all in this chapter. You did a good job with it, and your descriptions were really good too. :)




User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 11770
Reviews: 508

Donate
Thu Aug 07, 2014 1:30 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Fair warning, I'm coming into this cold. You should have established, or laid the foundation for, your story by now, so let's see where we're at.

Oi, the block. Katya's already mentioned it, but it needs to be said again. Paragraphs. Give us paragraphs. Otherwise it's this unmanageable chunk of verbiage.
A very simple fix to get you started: whenever a new character speaks, make that a new paragraph. That's how it's supposed to be anyway, but it'll help you see the difference those paragraphs make. Once you master that, then you can move on to developing narrative paragraphs.

out of a cheesy Si-fi movie

"Si-fi" is actually sci-fi. Unless you're doing that intentionally for some in-story significance (which isn't how it's coming across), you really need that c.

“Oh, that’s one of our older inventions. It’s pretty simple when you look back on it. You see,...

Cliched arrogance. It'd be much shorter and solid to reduce it to "That's one of our older inventions. We have a machine that allows us..." Do you see how that flows so much smoother? It's totally up to you, but I'd definitely recommend getting rid of the "that is SOOOO last millenium" attitude.

All we have to do is attach four to a house, and set the points in a square where each vertex is equidistant from the center of the house.

Three-dimensional object lacking one axis accounted for.
Okay, so that's not too bad an explanation. The only problem I ran into was that you only said four, and didn't really explain where on the house these points are affixed. Yes, they're equidistant, but equidistant where?
Basically, think of a cube.
Image
In order to properly balance that cube in space (according to your tech), you'd need one of these points on each of those center squares. But you only mention four, so I'm left wondering how you're properly balancing them. If you only get the left, right, front, and back, then without the top and bottom the house can't float. The top, bottom, left, and right, and you can't keep the house stable against winds and such. (The same for top, bottom, front, and back.)

All of that to say, just change the four to six and you should be fine. But I want you to understand the why, not just the what.

Lilly's politics are pathetic. I take it she's garnered a partial army, and her little "speech," realistically, would get her nowhere fast. And she's not a very likable character in this chapter, either. All she does is 'glare' and 'growl,' as if she's incapable of being happy, awed, or appreciative of anything but her own desires. Yes, her country's in danger, but someone who's spent any amount of time gathering foreign troops would have learned by now that bullying the people you want help from doesn't work.

And I'm rather confused as to what Mr. Jinx's relation to this empire is. I realize that it's probably stated in earlier chapters, but someone who's lobbying to save their empire wouldn't exactly be so unsympathetic, and in fact cold-hearted, to their fate. He claims them as his people in his speech, but his thoughts say otherwise. If you haven't already, you'll probably need to develop why he's helping Lilly, if he's not from the Pisces Empire. That could probably be a lot more helpful if I'd read the previous chapters, but that's the way it came across with just this snapshot.

Hope this helps!

This review courtesy of
Image




User avatar
240 Reviews


Points: 279
Reviews: 240

Donate
Sat Aug 02, 2014 11:31 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have here...

Again, the same problem, you need to organize this into smaller paragraphs. It just helps the reader be able to read it better. I tended to loose my spot when I read this. I think that you need adverbs with your saids(and other things that describe how people talk) to help you describe it. I also wish that you had a bit more imagery. It's all the same problems as last time, so you might want to fix them to make your works work out more better.

I really like the idea of that robot civilization. How far into the future is this exactly? Also another thing that I am wondering is who is the enemy? Is it the zombies? How did they appear? So many questions that may or may not be answered by the almighty and great ANADIR. Your spelling and grammar are great. I am happy that is the case. If you improve those small things that I have nitpicked then I would have nothing else to say about this. I love the plot of this to death. I think that this idea would make a great book. Only thing that worries me is that if the war is "never ending", how will you put a proper end to this series? All in all, great job. I really enjoyed this chapter. Keep calm and keep writing.




ANADIR says...


Yeah, this is a compiler error, as I said in my earlier review. I should look to see what went wrong... XD. And what are these zombies?? O.o but you'll never understand who the enemy is without reading the earlier chapters. It is explained. I'll try to simplify it here, but it's really hard.

The enemy is a strange army that attacked the Pisces empire for no apparent reason, and is easily beating back their troops. Thats why Drake was sent out to build an army; so he could beat this strange one. :P




A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief