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Young Writers Society


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I am Chad Jackson, and I have Leukemia, Part one

by rainforest


I am Chad Jackson, and when I was five years old I was diagnosed with Leukemia. It has been going on for a while now. I am now twelve years old. The doctors and medical experts haven't made a breakthrough yet. I has been seven years and most of my life I have been in and out of hospitals throughout the country, and my parents always have to make reservations to hotel rooms every time. If they can't book a hotel, the best thing to do is take air mattresses and inflate them in the hospital room I am in. I am now in a St. Judes Research Hospital for children located in Denver, Colorado. Tomorrow I am having a big surgery to see what is going on. It would be easier to have an x-ray, but it wouldn't be healthy.

I laid in my hospital bed, staring out of the giant window in my hospital room. I could see the city buildings of Denver. It was glorious. My mom, Cindy came in my room. She sat in the chair next to my bed. "Mom, when will it be over?" I asked.

"When they find a cure, honey." said Cindy. Every night, she cried herself to sleep. She worried about me. It has been going on for seven years. I had to suffer the pain. It felt like every organ in my body was bursting. But one miraculous thing has happened, I have survived seven years of leukemia. My mom leaned over and hugged me. She had to leave because she had a meeting with the doctors and nurses that took care of me.

She kissed me, and walked to the door. She exited.

-

It was tomorrow. I woke up with doctors, nurses, and my parents in my room. My mom and my dad, John, hugged me. They were relieved I was awake. "Alright, Chad," said my doctor, " you know the procedure, we just give you the anesthesia, and you fall asleep."

I nodded. He took out the needle and gave me the shot in my arm. I was used to the pain. I had to get a lot of shots. I started to feel woozy. I fell asleep.

-

"Honey, wake up." I heard my mom say. I woke up. I was really tired. My body was in pain, though I still cried. "You're surgery is over." said my mom.

"I had surgery?" I asked confused. Usually when you have surgery, you are really confused afterwards. The doctor whispered something in my parents ears, and my mom started tearing up. My dad started to comfort her, but she burst out of the recovery room. My dad followed her. The doctor had to go. He paged in a nurse to watch me. She was coming instantly. She came in the room, and the doctor left. She sat on the chair and started to do some paperwork. I had started to come to my senses. After about twenty minutes I was awake. I remember when my mom went out of the room burst out of the room. I asked the nurse," Why is my mom so sad?" 

She heard me and she knelt down next to my bed. She said in a quiet voice, "You are dying, Chad."

I am Chad Jackson, and I am dying

End of Part one


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558 Reviews


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Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:57 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, my old friend!

"Leukemia" doesn't need to be capitalized. It doesn't. Anybody else? No. Not one person should capitalize a sickness because it doesn't deserve it. And this place is so sudden. Chad is describing how you feel after surgery, and then suddenly switches back to reality. Maybe separate those lines.

"The doctor whispered something in my parents ears, and my mom started tearing up. My dad started to comfort her, but she burst out of the recovery room."

Also, why is there no punctuation in the last line? Those were my only nitpicks. And also, you're amazing, ya' know that? Thanks for being awesome!

-wisegirl22




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558 Reviews


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Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:57 pm
erilea says...






erilea says...


Sorry about the repeat and the blank.



User avatar
558 Reviews


Points: 1219
Reviews: 558

Donate
Fri Aug 08, 2014 2:56 pm
erilea says...



Hey, my old friend!

"Leukemia" doesn't need to be capitalized. It doesn't. Anybody else? No. Not one person should capitalize a sickness because it doesn't deserve it. And this place is so sudden. Chad is describing how you feel after surgery, and then suddenly switches back to reality. Maybe separate those lines.

"The doctor whispered something in my parents ears, and my mom started tearing up. My dad started to comfort her, but she burst out of the recovery room."

Also, why is there no punctuation in the last line? Those were my only nitpicks. And also, you're amazing, ya' know that? Thanks for being awesome!

-wisegirl22




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Thu Jul 24, 2014 6:40 pm
Sweetie wrote a review...



Hey, this is Sweet and I am going to review this. :)


it was really good but a couple things:

"My mom, Cindy came into the room." There should be another comma after Cindy.

"It would be easier to have and x-ray, but it wouldn't be healthy." Shouldn't it be a Cat Scan?

That's all for now! Very good job and welcome to YWS!!

I really cant wait until I can read more of your work!



~ Sweet




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Wed Jul 23, 2014 8:27 pm
Sampson wrote a review...



"But one miraculous thing has happened, I have survived seven years of leukemia. My mom leaned over and hugged me." You should probably put a ; instead of a comma


"She kissed me, and walked to the door. She exited." I see what your trying to do with this sentence but it may not be a good choice. These sentences sound far too choppy.



"It was tomorrow. I woke up with doctors, nurses, and my parents in my room. My mom and my dad, John, hugged me. They were relieved I was awake. "Alright, Chad," said my doctor, " you know the procedure, we just give you the anesthesia, and you fall asleep." That it was tomorrow part doesn't really sound right. Again, I want you to know that I see it's supposed to be that way, because I get upset when people review my work but don't understand what I'm trying to do with what I'm saying. When you introduce the dad I don't think you should put the name. Perhaps it would sound better if we discovered his while talking to a doctor or something; here it just doesn't sound right.

"My body was in pain, though I still cried." Yeah so this... Doesn't... Make.... Sense........ Though would mean there's no reason to but he's doing it anyway. He has a reason to cry, his body is in pain.


"She was coming instantly. She came in the room, and the doctor left." These aren't good sentences. I would change it to, "she came instantly, as soon as the doctor left."


My one last critique. You want this story to be reslistic right? I don't know how much research you've done on this subject but I would do a little more. And about the ending. No. Just no. A nurse would never tell a patient with Leukemia that they're dying. Especially when they're twelve and especially when SHES A GODDAMN NURSE. A nurse, scratch that, NO PERSON IN THEIR RIGHT MIND, would ever tell a child that they're dying until theyve talked to their parents.




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Wed Jul 23, 2014 7:39 pm
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r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work unknown. I saw the title and decided to try and review it. I also know that you are knew to the site so you might need some help here with this. Is this supposed to be a short story or not? I was just wondering because this says it is part one and it seems relatively short so I assume it is. Well I guess it is time for me to review! Here goes!

I has been seven years and most of my life I have been in and out of hospitals throughout the country,
You have a minor typo in this sentence. "I" should be "it".

It would be easier to have an x-ray, but it wouldn't be healthy.
Do people with Leukemia react in some way to x-rays or what. It seems like it would be a whole lot more healthy to have any x-ray done. Or should it be a cat scan?

I laid in my hospital bed, staring out of the giant window in my hospital room.
If this is supposed to be written in the present tense the correct word is lie not laid.

She kissed me, and walked to the door. She exited.
Again you revert back into the past tense. You need to decide whether you are writing this in the present or past tense. You also need to make this less blunt like saying she exited. That is technically a sentence, though it interrupts the flow and sounds so bland. I would try saying something like, She walked out of the rom into the wide corridor, leaving the a third of the way open.

I started to feel woozy. I fell asleep.
Again, your narrative sounds rather bland. I would also think that the nurses would take him into an operating room where he would wait for a while until the doctor(s) arrived. As it is it just seems like, boom, he wakes up everyone is in his room and they give him anesthesia.

My body was in pain, though I still cried.
Twelve year olds normally wouldn't cry unless they were in a lot of pain. You also need to reexamine your line of reasoning here.

After about twenty minutes I was awake.
I thought that Chad was already awake.

I asked the nurse," Why is my mom so sad?"
You need to begin a new paragraph for dialogue.

She heard me and she knelt down next to my bed. She said in a quiet voice, "You are dying, Chad."

I am Chad Jackson, and I am dying
Uh, that was really blunt. I mean if I was a nurse and some twelve year old asked me why mom was so sad I wouldn't just say "You are dying."!
And if I were writing my story I wouldn't restate that. I would include what I was thinking or a shocked reaction or something like that. This is too unrealistic.

I noticed that you have the problem of telling things not showing them. You don't want to do that. I know that when I was younger I really struggled with that. With time and experience you will get over that though. :) You need to add more dialogue and description into this piece. If you start doing that your writing will improve and you will start showing the story.

You also need to work on making the story realistic I didn't really get the impression that Chad even cared that he had Leukemia or anything like that. Try making your characters coming alive. You can even talk to them like they are normal people. Chad isn't a robot after all. XP I certainly hope this helps you! Happy writing!!! :D





"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
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