Young Writers Society

Hey there! Scarlet here to review.

So just sit tight, relax and enjoy the show!

Nitpicks first...

She huffed in irritation and typed a reply to Janie's third text in a row. Yes, I will meet u on Main Street, chill!

"Come on. What've you got first? Maths?"

"Oh...” Sarah got up and sat next to him. "They just call you a freak and some even think you're retarded, stuff like that..."

He got up and pushed past her, walking out of the cafe.

Luke just stared at her for a bit."Umm..."

Okay, so there is a lot that needs to be tweaked in this. Most of the other reviewers have stated the tweaks, though, but I'll add my $0.02 anyway.

remember your first line of every story has to be the most engaging, attention grabbing, thrilleriffic, and maybe even most important line of the story. Why? Because it's second after the title to having your audience even care about the story. With that said, one should never be in a rush to write without having an interesting opener.

Secondly, character devrlopment is crucial to having a good story--even more than the plot. Without interesting characters, the story is not interesting. Think that if Suzanne Collins never gave us Katniss's background of her father who died in a mining accident and the place she lived as a result of corruption, then no one would really care about District 12 and all the Prims, and Peetas, and Rues. So give us more detail about your characters-- don't cheat us out of a good story because you want to grt to the plot. Why should we care about Luke and Sarah's relationship other than the fact that Luke "saves" Sarah's life?

Third: specificity and believability. Why the hell was a speeding truck on a sidewalk at seven in the morning? And how come it's never talked about in that first part? Did it just disappear suddenly? And why was Sarah writing a paper for her so-called "friend" Janie? And how come Janie leaves Sarah with Luke after he tackles her to the ground? And since when were Janie's friends walking on the same path? Did they not see Sarah almost get hit? And why is Janie leaving; is she in that of a hurry to get to school? How many kids use this "windy road" to school? How old are they? Where are they? How come Luke knows so much about Sarah? I'll stop there, but if you want your story to be believable, then you're going to want to slow down, add more details, and answer these kinds of questions.

I'll end the review here. Please know that in your story, I was not trying to fish for mistakes and I am not trying to.be a buttface. I genuinely believe that it has potential, but.only needs some fine-tuning to be the best that it can.possibly be. All us writers are punching bags, and no doubt does the punching hurt, but it is all for a good cause. Continue writing(and editing) so that you can grow. Adieu!

Hello ^-^ I'll be trying out a new "reviewing style" here. I'll list the strengths and weaknesses of the piece, and then give my personal opinion on it. So, here we go~

As usual, I'll start off with the nitpicks.

Weaknesses

Show, don't tell- A lot of this piece was stating facts instead of describing what was going on. This applies especially to facts about characters and their personality, appearance, situation, etc. Reveal those things through description, dialogue, and actions instead of just telling us.

I'll use your first paragraph as an example. You told us that it was a hot spring day at 7:30 AM. Instead of blatantly telling us those things, you could describe the setting so we could infer those things. It would make your reader more connected to the story, and it would also lengthen up your paragraphs. Here's one way that you could improve the first paragraph.

Luke's walk to school was more exhausting than usual. The sun was still low in the sky, but it beat heavily on him; he had already started to sweat through his hoodie. The only thing that saved him was a breeze that chilled the air enough that he could bear to put his hood up.

Wow.... that was.. fast. I liked it, the story was interesting, and the way Luke can sense certain things happening is pretty cool, although I wonder why he can.

To be honest though, this seemed like a rough draft to me. Which is unfortunate; this story has a lot of potential going for it. Mostly, you just need to polish off some of the spelling and punctuation. Just go through the whole thing and see what you find.
In the beginning, when they are walking to school, it seems as if they don't know each other at all. Later though, you mention that they do. Maybe you could look into fixing that?
This whole chapter seems a little fast paced and short to me. When you think about it, they go to a lot of different places, but you don't spend much time writing about the commute, or describing their surroundings. I think you should spend some time on what the both of them thinking at the time.
The random paragraph in the beginning... does that really need to be there? Maybe you could find a way to explain all of that using the characters trains of thought.
Sarah doesn't seem to be very shocked about all of this. (I get the feeling that Luke isn't supposed to be) But if any of this happened to me, I would probably be hyperventilating in a corner somewhere.


Overall, you had a great idea for this story, and you may have been in a hurry writing it down. You just need to polish it up a bit, maybe carve out some thought patterns, and maybe make it just a bit more realistic where expressing emotions is concerned.
But you did a okay job on it, and I will definitely keep reading on.
Keep writing!!!

'Jeez you're dumb sometimes' - there should be a comma between 'Jeez' and 'you're'.

I'm not sure about the big giant paragraph of background. If you're determined to have it, maybe put it at the start and in italics.

'"What do they call me?" He asked quietly.' - 'He' should not have a capital 'H'.

'and to Sarah he looked just like a meerkat that just came out of its den from the ground' - take out one of the 'just's.

'"You’re lucky I didn't call that cops on you two."' - 'that' should be 'the'.

'"We've practically lived together for like three years now. We go to the same school and stuff. Have you ever, like had feelings for me?"' - I think this is a bit too sudden.

'They both froze in their spots when they both saw the cop that came into view right in front of them.' - take out one of the 'both's.

'"You didn't hear anything because you couldn't hear the shots, the gun they were using must have had a silencer on it." Sarah said as she got back up onto her feet.' - I think Sarah would be in too much shock. I think this line would work really well if it was Luke who said it.

'It didn't take her long to become aware at what was going on' - 'at' should be 'of'.


Okay, this was very exciting, incredibly exciting. Your pace is awesome and fast and exhilarating. I think some of the lines were a little forced but your characterisation was overall good. I'm very interested in your plot and I can picture it well.

Some things happened a little suddenly and the flow went a bit jumpy at times. Also, I'm not sure I like Luke as much as I'm meant to. If Sarah didn't want to skip school, he shouldn't have made her.

Well done!

Uni here for a review!

This looks great so far Tigga! I would jsut mention one thing. There is a lot of diaglogue and not a lot of description. Try to put at least two paragraphs of description of anything in between dialogue.

Otherwise, I am completely captured by the plot! I want to know what happens! Please write more!

Keep up the amazing writing Tigga!

~Uni