z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Superhero Adventures: Ep. I (Revised)

by SuperWriter


                                  Dr. Vigilant

                                                             Ep I: Magnetic Mayhem

   For the most powerful superhero organization in the West, their briefing room looked oddly like a broom closet. The tube-lights flickered on and off above me, while the room had dirt all over it. Funnily, to add to the broom closet, there were a few brooms set to the side. One had fallen onto the floor and an array of dust, dirt, and trash lingered beneath it. There was a badly cut piece of wood on a stand with a chair beside it in the middle of the room, which was probably where I was supposed to sit.

   I entered the room, unable to stop myself from wrinkling my nose from the smell that lingered all around the room. The piece of wood, or to be generous, desk, had a dust-ridden seat and the desk itself was facing not a briefing screen, but rather an almost white blackboard that had one small used piece of chalk. I lifted my brown hooded cape at the sight of the floor and wiped the dust off the desk. I might seem a bit hygienic to you, but trust me, it’s really embarrassing for a superhero to be fighting a supervillain and then all of a sudden, some dumb kid says “Do you take a shower?” Trust me, it’s happened before, and it’s really, really embarrassing.

   You might feel a little confused right now. Like, why do you need a briefing room, what do you mean superheroes, and, why are kids telling these so-called “superheroes” to take showers. I’ll explain all of these questions. But first, let me introduce myself. Hello. My name is _____ _______ (Sorry, I'm just not allowed by the V.A. to go around spilling my secrets and my identity I can tell you I'm a guy though, just in case you start wondering). In the Super World, however, my name is Dr. V. I know, I know, that’s not very explanative, but I can’t just go around telling people my name. I mean, I’m a famous superhero and I haven’t even started my first mission, I can’t just handle my name lightly. What do you mean famous? I can’t tell you all the details until I’m told I can. Let’s just say when I went to the Academy of Vigilance, the best superhero academy in the Super World, I sorta kinda saved the world.

   I’d graduated a few months ago, and I and a few friends became full-time superheroes. Meaning we’re one of the few Supers to become the dreamed-of job of becoming a superhero. Most others get jobs at the Vigilance Council, or desk jobs at the place I work at, the Vigilance Association, or become teachers at other superhero academies. Only five percent of the graduates from the Academy of Vigilance get to be superheroes, and that’s from the Academy of Vigilance, so how many people get to be superheroes from other academies? And anyways it’s so hard to get into the Academy, so there are not a lot of people that even go to the Academy. Only about one percent of the total graduating population get to be even tested for being a superhero. Yeah, I’m a powerful hero. Just don’t tell anyone I told you guys this stuff. They might be an enemy, or worse, a Vigilance Association official, and they’ll do anything to know who told you this. Trust me, you don’t want to know the punishment they’ll give if they find out I told you.

   Back to reality. The whole broom closet situation seemed a bit unfamiliar to me, so I didn’t really know what to do when I sat down. I wish I’d paid more attention to the whole, “what it means to be a superhero” speech my testers had given. Maybe they’d told me how to call out for the briefing screen. Maybe I had to holler out “Super Screen” for it to come up. Before I could open my mouth, however, the blackboard wall gave a loud squeak, then a groan, and a scratching sound. I jumped so high that I went straight out of my seat and landed on top of my desk, my hands covered in dust and crackling electricity. However, when the blackboard gave another groan, I un-electrified my right hand and lowered my cape over the mask I was wearing. Then I pulled back the sleeve of my suit far enough so that I could see the five watches I was wearing, the four behind my first one five seconds behind the one in front of it in case I needed to do some timebending. I didn’t, though, because the wall gave way and turned around, like an old-fashioned hiding place.

   The wall now facing me was all black, with a large screen built into it. It looked official and fancy, contrasting greatly with the rest of the closet. I looked around, especially behind me, to see if anyone had entered the place to see what was going on. Oh, did I mention the briefing room was in the middle of a market place, from the outside a Chinese restaurant with a Permanently Closed sign on the door. Yeah, great place.

   I looked warily at the screen, and the only reason I didn’t blast it was because I thought this was what was supposed to happen. Right I was, the screen gave a blue screen and then the screen showed a fancy office, with a mahogany desk, glass walls, and fancy furniture and vases and stuff all around the room. Sitting in the desk, however, was a lady I’d met before: Mrs. Evans. She was a stern looking lady who had a bad temper and always wore a suit. She was the President of the Vigilance Association and had reached the top super charts in her day. She was also known as the famous Mindwoman, with telepathic powers, which came in use at her leading position. She had a frown, and looked even more dangerous than when I’d seen her once again don her suit to battle those many months ago.

   “Welcome, Dr. V,” she began, her voice was quiet but snakelike. She gave a smile I knew was fake, as her eyes had the most piercing look I’d seen since, well, forever. It gave me the chills. “To the Vigilance Association. Your mission will commence shortly.”

   “Please sit down,” she said, her eyes flickering towards my feet “There is no need for any battle here, and you are dirtying the table even more than it already was, if possible. Oh, that reminds me, I’m terribly sorry for the state of the briefing room, it hasn’t been used as it is only for people who are on their first mission, so it hasn’t been used in a year.” She didn’t sound or look at all terribly sorry. I couldn’t expect much though, she was like the most powerful supervillain converted to our side. It was probably an intimidation gesture, though. She’d learned well how to keep people quiet and listening after decades on the battlefield and reading minds. It certainly kept me quiet. “As you know, I am Mrs. Evans, President of the Vigilance Association and former superheroine.”

   I gave a nod and replied “Yes ma’am, I remember you.” At saying this, I looked at my mouth. Saying “ma’am” really wasn’t my thing. But I guess she is telepathic.

   “Of course, I remember you, Dr. V, descendant of the Late Dr. V, famous Timebender. And you too, have made your name famous, as famous timebender, and reviver of the Timebenders. I must say, I thank you for this help. After your kinds' population went out, it made it very difficult for us to deal with the Timedestroyers.” Timedestroyers were a crude version of Timebenders, as they had been created, gone rogue, messed up time with their inaccurate time-changing skills, formed the feared organization called the High Chaos Warriors, and almost destroyed the world. I’d defeated them a few months ago, which was my act of saving the world. Yep, I sure am famous.

   Once I’d seated myself correctly, Mrs. Evans continued, “For your first mission, you will be battling a new supervillain named Magnet Ray, a follower of the old Magnet Ray and possessor of the same power. As you are a Timebender with the powers of electricity and extreme heat, he will be a good challenge for you, especially as he can mess with your watch. Before we give very old and powerful supervillains, of which some will escape you, we will give you not powerful but challenging opponents. This will decide whether you remain in this Association.” I gave a curt nod, hanging on to every word she said.

   “Magnet Ray, if you have not picked up the clues I gave you of the Late Magnet Ray, the astounding hero, has powers of magnetism and the occasional electricity. I believe you possess one of these powers, which will give you some rivalry, and your Timebending skills can be inaccurate up as he can mess up your watches. I believe your watches must be in certain times if you do not want to take a risk with Timebending, am I correct?” I once again nodded. If I used my powers to a large extent without my watches, it could be, sometimes, dangerous. His magnetism powers could greatly affect my powers.

   “Alright, I think you are briefed, you will be transported to the location. Press the button under the desk, if you will.” I gave another “Yes ma’am” and felt around under my desk for the button among the dust, and what I mistook a button but ended up being a piece of gum. I finally found it. It felt square and small. I was about to press it when Mrs. Evans said her final words to me. “Oh, and Dr. V,” I glanced up to the screen. “Make sure to be resourceful. Sheer power doesn’t always win the battle.” I gave a final nod a pushed my hand against the bottom of the desk, which once again turned out to be the piece of gum. With a look of disgust, I fumbled around for the real button. Finding it, I pressed it, hoping it wasn’t another piece of gum.

   My stomach was about to give way to the sickening feeling of teleportation when I landed, face-first, into the ground. Luckily it was grass and not the concrete, only the concrete sidewalk of bustling New York City was only a few inches away, though.

   I stood up, brushing dirt and dust off of my cape and suit wondering how no one had noticed my dramatic face-fall entrance. Oh yeah, did I mention my suit and weapons? I have on a bulletproof vest, a brown, hooded cape that reached the floor, and black cargo pants in which I stored a very large fighting knife. I also had two throwing knives that I’d only ever once used, so I kept it beneath my knife and some other gadgets I’d received. Yeah, cool, right. Reaching for my knife, I looked around warily for that Magnet Ray guy. I looked at my watches and made sure they had the correct times. If my watch was to be messed up, it might as well be correct in the first place. After tuning up the third and fifth watches, I heard a loud shout. I looked around, afraid. I heard then a shrill scream. I grabbed my knife and headed towards the buildings, a tug on my watches and then a weird falling sensation that I had only felt when Timebending.

   I ran towards the buildings, but after a while I felt that I was hearing things. I couldn’t find anyone that had been screaming a few seconds before. The people were roaming around normally, no sign of weirdness, no random guys running and telling people there was an evil maniac chasing him. Just cars honking and beeping and people speed-walking from one side of the road to the other. Still no sign of screaming. The only weird thing was people staring at me. I knew I shouldn’t be roaming around randomly in the downtown. That would make it harder for the V.A. people to wipe everyone’s memories, but it was way too quiet. Definitely not the scene of a supernatural crime.   

   I looked at my watch. It was 1:30. Huh, I’d gotten there at 1:00. It had been a somewhat short session, but my looking around definitely had wasted a lot of time. I looked at my second watch, 2:29. That’s the correct time, I guess. All of my watches, being five seconds apart, were 2:29. I looked back at the first watch. 1:30, I guess maybe… wait, 1:30! It was an hour off. That Magnet Ray guy must have messed up my watch when I wasn’t looking! I concentrated on my fifth watch, which was twenty seconds off of the real time. I squeezed my eyes together, and I started to feel a familiar feeling of being launched into the air and coming back down, the feeling of Timebending.

   I landed on my feet this time, although technically I had never really been in the air, just through the multiverse to where to me where the real time was happening. Nowhere real exciting. Just going hurling the Space-time continuum into the multiverse, and then back into the universe I had been thrown out of, theoretically, by Magnet Ray. Or I just have really messed up watches. Either way, I had to get to the Universe In Which I Belong. You know, in case he’s about to destroy the city or something.

   I opened my eyes, feeling my feet on the ground, expecting to see a scary-looking supervillain. Instead, I saw a really skinny gut in tights, but they didn’t look too tight on him. He had two large red scratched up magnets in his hand. The type of magnets you see in your mind’s eye when you think the words “red” and “magnet”. Yeah, the old-fashioned ones. He was waving those around in his blue tights. He looked a bit scrawny. He also looked like he was about to cry, and some tears started falling down his pale, white face when he saw me. I strutted forward, he didn’t look, well, villainous enough to scare me. I guess I should have known I was underestimating him.

   “You!” He shouted, trying to sound like he boomed it, honestly though he sounded like he was terrified. “Me.” I agreed, my hand ready to electrify him and any of the magnets he was going to aim at me. Predictably, he raised his right magnet at my left hand, the hand with all my watches, but I electrified the right side of the magnet. He did this cool thing in which when he shot (shot’s the right word, right) the magnet and almost everything zoomed towards the magnet and then he would transfer it to the other side and it would shoot out, which left a great big mess behind him full of bricks, computers, purses, etc. but nothing happened when he aimed his magnet at me except for the fact all the stuff fell with a CLUNK! I guess my electricity ruined the magnetism.

   He aimed the other Magnet gun thing at me and I was about to electrify it when I decided I ought to get some heat practice. I had gotten this power a few months back and hadn’t used it much. So instead of demagnetizing his “gun”, I burned it to a metal crisp plate. He screamed and let go, part of the tights were now burned. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw people who were apparently watching the stand-off scream and run for their lives. I made a quick electric shield behind me, so that no one stupid enough to come near us would get hurt. He sneered at me, or made an attempt to, and the wires, computer parts, and metal surrounded him, making a great big magnetized tornado.

   I reared back into fighting stance, ready to melt the tornado, but instead of it moving towards me, he jumped in. “Dude,” I yelled “You’re supposed to be fighting me, not doing suicide!” But the Magnado just kept swirling around, although at that point his death was making it dissipate, but the metal was going inside, not out. Finally, the Magnado stopped, revealing a twenty-foot metal man, whereas instead of a large metal head, on top was the pale face of Magnet Ray.

   I pushed my hand forward, sending a fireball towards the Metal Monster/Magnet Ray, but he just absorbed it with his hand, showing no burn. I leaped a few feet back right as he pounded the ground on which I had been standing.

   Before I continue with the battle commentary though, let me explain what this thing looked like. Instead of the crudely made sharp-edged creature you may be thinking of, this thing, as I mentioned earlier, twenty feet high. It had a large middle, with comparatively short arms and stubby legs. The middle was seriously huge, like twenty-five feet wide and fifteen feet long, and like I also mentioned before, it had Magnet Ray’s head so it looked real funny, with such a small head. But trust me, I didn’t laugh at the disproportioned body. It might have looked like it would fall easily with such small legs, but he maneuvered like someone who had been practicing. The arms might have looked stubby, but when they pounded the spot I was standing on, they turned out to be retractable and the fists looked nearly comical they were so big. But on a huge metal monster creature that wanted to kill me, they weren’t funny.

   Ended up Magnet Ray could control my watches.

   Yeah, I know, I know, he’s already changed my time and Mrs. Evans already told me “He can mess up your watches!” But I wasn’t expecting that after the tug on my watch, which now I realize was a bit of a signature for his time messing, he made me go back to when he was about to smash me, but this time he reacted quicker. I looked up, watching dumbly the giant metal fist with surprising flexibility although it was a metal fist I guess it was liquid as it descended towards me. Did I mention I was a dumbstruck, not moving, struck dumb looking back at my actions, being dumb to not be moving, and moving like I was struck by lightning. Which pretty much means after getting out of my trance I fell to the floor and lay, eagle spread across the grass and concrete. I felt weird and stupid just lying there, and I would have died then and there if not for that fate-changing spider that bit my arm, making me shrug it off and realize that the stupid piece of gum from the desk had still been on my hand. I didn’t take it off, however, and when the thing smashed my spot and raised my right hand, my gum-hand, and attempted to block the blow.

   Expecting my hand to be smashed, I closed my eyes and looked away out of fear. There was a large blow, and I think I cracked a bone in my arm, but I think that piece of gum was some type of absorber of impact because although I could feel the strength of the monster, nothing worse happened. The thing raised its arm, furious, and tried to take it off with its other arm. However, the thing must have been real sticky, because it got stuck to both of his arms. Eventually the metal monster stretched out its arm so long that it was a wiry, loopy, thin-stranded mess of metal. Seizing my chance, I used my heat to burn off the arms. Magnet Ray, stuck inside, screamed and in doing so, fell with an earth-shattering tremor, giving wake to several more screams of onlookers who didn't have the sense to run.

   People were screaming and shouting, and I think there was a building that was starting to lean down, but I paid no attention as I walked to the now melting heap of metal. I walked around, trying to avoid the presumably heated metal. I did finally see the guy, and he looked horrible. The not-so-tight-tights had slipped off his head, and I realized he was just a kid. He had a skinny look, with a long and narrow face. He had an array of freckles, and light blonde hair with the darkest eyes I’d seen. He, not for the first time, looked like he was about to cry.

   “Get away from me!” he yelled, trying to desperately stand up from the gooey metal mess. He did get up, but I blasted him into the leaning building wall. He started to cry now, hard. There were boogers running across his face, with big, fat, juicy tears starting to form. I realized, walking over to him slowly, that he had contacts on. I could see bright green eyes behind them. I was a few feet away when I heard an ear-shrieking scream come from his mouth, and a translucent ray came out of his tantrum-throwing fists, but I stepped aside and let in hit the building behind me.

   “Hey, hey.” I said, walking slowly with my hands out in front of me in case I needed to defend. “I’m not here to hurt you, Magnet--” but I was cut off as he once again shot a ray at me. I sidestepped it and gave him a small shock, which made him shudder and fall completely to the floor. His eyes were still open, crying, but wary.

   “I’m not here to hurt you,” I said, trying to sound soothing as cars honked, people screamed, and a certain building groaned.

   “How do I know I can trust you?” He whispered breathlessly.

   “You’re part of that V.A., aren’t you?” Before I could answer his previous question. I knew it wasn’t a question, but I nodded slightly anyways.

   “I’m here to take you…” I said, keeping my voice calm. He spat, and then started to laugh. Once he was out of his fit of laughter, he spat again and said menacingly,

   “That V.A. is a corrupt government puppet. They killed my father unfairly, know him? Staggerstep? He had a famous case. They ruled him unfairly when I was six. They left me on the streets.” He spat again, and continued, “My sister decided to rebel, you know, Darkness. I helped her with some things, she was killed. For what? For fighting against a corrupt government.” I took a step back, I’d heard of the Staggerstep case. In fact, I’d helped capture him.

   “Your father was not accused wrongly.” I said quietly. “Just because you decided to run from your foster home and live in the streets does not mean I will pity you.” It wasn’t a very convincing story either. “I will take you back to the V.A. You will have a fair trial. I promise you, on the charges of destroying city property and helping Darkness, who caused numerable deaths by joining the ranks of the High Chaos Warriors.” I let this sink in, and I saw him mouth “High Chaos Warriors?” “Yes.” I said, “The High Chaos Warriors.” He opened his mouth to say something, protest, most likely, but at that moment I realized the building we were standing in the shadow of was starting to fall.

   “RUN!” I yelled, hoping in desperation that the onlookers knew what to do. They did, looking at the building, and it caused even more panic than before. I ran out of the way of the building, only to hear deathly moaning and groaning. I looked back to see, MAGNET RAY! I ran towards him, if the building fell he would be the first thing it crushed. I lifted his arm and ran for it as fast as I could, but I felt a jab in the side and I fell down, screaming at the miniscule pain. Magnet Ray also tried to run, but I had weakened him and he fell almost immediately.

   “Fool” he yelled. “Do you really think I would accept your stupid help?” I growled, I’d tried to save a guy who was going to leave me here to die while he got away. The building was starting to groan again, like the screen wall. I heard Magnet Ray scream, and I looked to see that his wet eyes realizing he couldn't make it and staring, afraid, at the falling building. I felt a surge of pity welling up for the kid, even though he honestly didn’t have a very tragic backstory. He was, like, fifteen. I cursed to myself, I would never forgive myself if I didn't save him.

   I was about to start writing my will on the ground when my brain conjured a desperate idea. If I was able to use my heat and lightning powers correctly, I could shoot myself out of here like a cannon, because I would never make it out of here running. I was starting to reach for my powers when I saw Magnet Ray moaning in pain. Cursing to myself once again, I used a small blast of fire to scoot to him. I grabbed his collar despite his shouts of protest, and welled up every bit of my energy to shoot the two of us out just as the building collapsed onto the ground.

-------------

I woke up at four o’clock in the morning, in my bed with a fancy envelope on my side table. I was going to sit up, but I realized that every inch of my body was aching, not to mention I’d broken an arm, and a leg. Using my free hand and my cast hand, I was able to lift myself in a sitting position with only about fifty moans and shrieks of pain. This must have alerted someone, because a few seconds later I heard a rustle of wind, and suddenly standing in my doorway was _______, or in the Super World, Codesilver. He had a high, thin nose, a lot of freckles, a pale thin face, and a skinny frame. He also had superspeed powers along with many other powers that it would be hard to explain. “That explains the wind.” I thought aloud. Codesilver nodded.

   “Well, that letter is from, uh…, well…, oh, yeah! That letter is from Mrs. Evans. Guess it’s some thank-you letter or something.” Codesilver had a high pitched voice for a guy (so did I), and he had weird moments in which he forgot things or he would tell you something in a questioning tone, and it wouldn’t even be a question.

   “Thanks,” I said, “What’s that in your hand?” It was true, there was some piece of paper in his hand. “Well, it’s my first mission information. I, uh, had an emergency call for my first one and they sent for me. Well, uh, um, apparently they called it off, and gave it to Kinetic Wave instead.” I nodded, looking at my legs. Kinetic Wave was a friend of ours who had the telekinetic powers. She was also they type of person you would get punched in the face if you called her a sissy. Or she would levitate a truck at you. Regular girl behavior, I guess.

   “Well, when is your first mission?” I asked.

   “Um… two days from now. And my first was actually yesterday.”

   “Cool. Uh, thanks for, you know, patching me up.”

   “Oh, that wasn’t me. You were in the hospital for a week.”

   “WHAT!” I yelled, shooting out of my bed. I realized my hands were on fire and quickly put them out. “I was that badly injured?” Codesilver nodded. “Yeah, Kinetic has already been on two missions. She’s on her third right now, actually. I’m going on my second in a few days. Also, Mrs. Evans called and told me to tell you when you’re better, then she’ll send you on a mission. Oh, and yeah, she said she’d accidentally messed up your missions and sent you on a high level one, even though you completed it. By the way, she also said the guy, Magnet something, got his left foot crushed by the building but other than that you saved him. She thanks you for that.” I took this all in slowly. “Thanks, Silver.” He nodded again, and left.

   Remembering my pains, I slowly sat back down, and thought it all through. Magnet Ray had gotten a crushed foot, but had survived. I’d been out for two weeks, and my two superhero friends had gone on more missions than me even though I’d gone on a mission before them. I sighed, if only Mrs. Evans hadn’t made the mistake of giving me the wrong villain, I’d be on my second, no, third mission right now. I sighed again, and reached the fancy envelope.

   The letter was on fancy, stiff paper. The envelope itself had signed initials that I guess were Mrs. Evans’. I read through the letter a few times, making sure I got all the details. It was a thank you letter, and had explained everything that Codesilver had already told me. I put it back on the table, rested my head on the pillow, and used my electricity to turn on the T.V. in my room. I looked around a bit more, it was the same as it had been a week ago. Which is to say it looked like a dump.

   The once blue wall now had an assortment of scratches, some from me practicing their powers, some from the other five housemates that lived in the house with me, at least the ones that were stupid enough to if they didn’t want an electrical destruction of their rooms. There were wrappers everywhere, broken decorations on the dressing table, and various other things including clothes in random places. The trash was everywhere except for in my trash can. Home sweet home, I guess. I smiled, and started to drift back into an uneasy sleep as the drone of the TV voices tried to penetrate my head, wondering whether Mrs. Evans had really made a mistake.


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 2:31 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo!

This is your first Review Day, right? I hope you have a grand time!

Anyways, like Noelle, I'm going to work out the nitpicks as I go through, and then do an overview.

Funnily, to add to the broom closet, there were a few brooms set to the side.
Uh... this sentence just reads funny, and you have two options to fix it: Get rid of 'funnily' and add 'feel' after 'closet', or just get rid of 'to add to the broom closet'. (Okay, I'm being really mean and demanding there. Just ignore me if you don't like something I say.)
I entered the room, unable to stop myself from wrinkling my nose from the smell that lingered all around the room.
Two problems: you used 'lingering' in the paragraph before this, and you used 'room' twice. It's very... repetitive, and this is a problem I found throughout the piece, so I'll leave it out from here on.
then all of a sudden, some dumb kid says “Do you take a shower?”
Okay, yes, this is hilarious, and I love it! But you could make it sound more realistic by having the kid say "Do you ever shower?"
Let’s just say when I went to the Academy of Vigilance...I sorta kind of saved the world
Put in a 'that' between 'say' and 'when'. It flows better.
Right I was, the screen gave a blue screen and then the screen showed a fancy office
Okay, I know I said I wouldn't point out repetition again, but... um... yeah.
In the same paragraph that that 'screen' thing comes from, you have started about four sentences in a row with 'she was'.
Luckily it was grass and not the concrete, only the concrete sidewalk of bustling New York City was only a few inches away, though.
Skip either the 'only' or the 'though', and make the part after the first comma its own sentence.
I have on a bulletproof vest
Um... awkward tense change?

I think that's it really. The rest are all pretty much repeats of the same idea.

Anyways, for the overview:
Your style is great! I love the little bits of humor, and the way Dr. V transitions between description and action matches his personality perfectly. Not only that, but the action scenes themselves are well written. They have that action-ey feel, which is created by simpler, short sentences, and contrast all the longer ones you use elsewhere.
The only problems with the piece would have to be in grammar and flow. If you don't already, I suggest reading the work aloud word-for-word, or getting someone else to read it for you. This helps a lot to work out the kinks in repetition, and missing words that a word processor won't catch.

On a final note, this is a pretty great story! I look forward to seeing where you take this in terms of storyline especially. (Please, pretty please let me know when you post the next chapter!)

Ta ta for now, and have a great Review Day!
-Bug




SuperWriter says...


Thanks! And to all readers, I'll be releasing the second chapter shortly. I haven't had much time cause I was vacationing in Florida.



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:21 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Welcome to the site! :3

First of all, I have to say that I was really drawn in by the title. I'm a huge sucker for superhero stories so I was so excited to read this! As for my review, I'm going to be commenting as I read and then giving you my overall impression when I am done. Alright, let's get started!

The tube-lights flickered above on and off,

This is just something little, but I think you should put 'above' at the end of the sentence. I think that'll read better.

The desk, or whatever you would call it,

See, this sentence would totally work if your main character hadn't already called it a desk. You get what I'm saying? It's a desk, because that's what your character told us it was. If he had said something like, "Instead of a large table, there as an oddly shaped one in the corner. I liked to think of it as a desk, but I'm not completely sure that that's what it was designed to be". See, in this sentence, your MC is wondering if the table even is a desk. That would give your MC a reason for the sentence I quoted above. But since your MC has already defined it as a desk, it is now and forever will be a desk.

My name is _____ _______.

Either you still need a name for your character, or he (she?) isn't allowed to disclose his name. If you still have yet to come up with a name for him, you'll obviously want to do that ;) And if he can't disclose his real name, you should probably tell us that. Just add in a sentence or two explaining how his real name is dangerous to let anyone know and he will forever keep it a secret. That would give us a reason for the lines. 'Cause honestly, right now, it just looks...silly.

So as I'm going through this, I notice that your paragraphs are rather long. There isn't any rule in writing where your paragraphs have to be a certain length, but there are guidelines (I'm almost certain that they're not specifically rules) about when to start a new paragraph. I'm going to take a paragraph of yours and put it in the spoiler below. I'll give you some suggestions as to where you can break and start a new paragraph. Oh, and I made a quick correction in there as well. Nothing big, just something about your sentence structure.

Spoiler! :
The wall now facing me was all black, with a large screen built into it. It looked official and fancy, contrasting greatly with the rest of the closet. I looked around, especially behind me, to see if anyone had entered the place to see what was going on. Oh, did I mention the briefing room was in the middle of a market place, from the outside a Chinese restaurant with a Permanently Closed sign on the door. Yeah, great place.

Break to form another paragraph. The reason why there should be a new paragraph here is because you're switching subjects. Before this, you were talking about the screen and describing it. Now something is actually happening to the screen, which is something completely different.
I looked warily at the screen, and the only reason I didn’t blast it was because I thought this was what was supposed to happen. Right I was, the screen gave a blue screen and then the screen showed a fancy office, with a mahogany desk, glass walls, and fancy furniture and vases and stuff all around the room. Sitting in the desk, however, was a lady I’d met before: Mrs. Evans. She was a stern looking lady who had a bad temper and always wore a suit. She was the President of the Vigilance Association and had reached the top super charts in her day, she was also known as the famous Mindwoman, with telepathic powers, which came in use at her leading position. She had a frown, and looked even more dangerous than when I’d seen her once again don her suit to battle those many months ago.

Start new paragraph here. Whenever someone new is speaking, or when dialogue is introduced, you have to start a new paragraph. This goes along the lines of the last reason for starting a new paragraph: subject change. But it also helps reduce confusion. Here the dialogue is at the start of a new paragraph and the readers don't have to go back through the paragraph just to figure out who is speaking.
“Welcome, Dr. V,” she began, her voice was quiet but snakelike. She gave a smile I knew was fake, as her eyes had the most piercing look I’d seen since, well, forever. It gave me the chills. “To the Vigilance Association. Your mission will commence shortly.”


She was the President of the Vigilance Association and had reached the top super charts in her day, she was also known as the famous Mindwoman, with telepathic powers, which came in use at her leading position

This is a run on sentence. There are a few I found while reading through, but it would be quite tedious for me to point them all out. Here, you should start a new sentence at "She was also known as..." Otherwise the sentence just goes on and on.

It's really nice that you have names for these types of superheroes; like the Timebenders. However, you don't need to capitalize the word timebender. I had the same dilemma when I was working on my novel. I was capitalizing the word mage and seer, which are certain types of magical people. Then I realized, it's not exactly a title, therefore it shouldn't be capitalized. If someone is referring to Dr. V as the Timebender, then it should be capitalized. But in all other situations, it's fine to just leave it lowercase.

I like the scene with the gum under the table ^_^ It added a bit of humor to the whole situation. That just goes to show you that even a short scene like that can really lift the mood of a piece.

I grabbed his collar despite his shouts of protest, and welled up all of my remaining energy to shoot the two of us out.

I woke up at four o’clock in the morning, in my bed with a fancy envelope on my side table.

There should be a break here to show that time has passed. You can use a solid line --------- or you can use three asterisks * * * But either way, you have to put a break here. It's easy enough for the reader to assume that there has been a time break. When you're writing, however, you don't want the readers to have any doubt. My creative writing professor once told us, "Write like your readers are stupid". Thee basic idea behind that is don't leave anything that they can assume unless it's supposed to be that way. Otherwise you end up with some confused readers.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. It was a nice introduction to the story and it even had a little action in there. I'm a huge sucker for action scenes and I was really impressed with what you wrote. Good job with that! The action felt real an was well written. You did a good job explaining things as you went, too. I never questioned why Dr. V did what he did.

One quick thing about Dr. V. I don't think you actually ever told us what his gender is. I just assumed he was a boy. It's always nice to be clear cut with those kind of things.

Your writing is quite formal. I was impressed by how you kept your writing style consistent throughout. I don't doubt your abilities of course, but sometimes it's hard to keep the same style. I can see it in my own writing: when I get a bit lazy and write something that doesn't exactly fit. But I didn't find any place in your chapter here where that happened. Maybe it was a small thing once or twice, but nothing big enough to bother mentioning.

Keep up the good writing! Let me know when the next chapter is out. I'll gladly come back and read it :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




SuperWriter says...


Thank you for the advice! I'll be sure to make these changes into this chapter!




Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables