z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

A Twins Hunt - A Cold Night (The Prologue I forgot about...)

by EscapeToNeverland


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Prologue

“Why the hell did the job have to be here? I’m freezing my ass off!” I asked the question knowing no one would answer. No one else was in the stupid, dark alley with me.

The Demon I had received the job from said there would be a back door I could use to get into the club. It would have been impossible to see anything in the alley if I had been completely human. Good thing I wasn’t.

I saw the grime covered door out of the corner of my eye, I sighed in relief at finally being able to get out of the dank and cold laneway. I rushed over and tried the knob on the door. The opening creak of the door resounded throughout the abandoned backstreet. I slipped through the slightly ajar door and spun quickly to make sure I hadn’t been caught, and found the room empty of anyone else.

I crept slowly through the dimly lit room, avoiding the precariously stacked boxes. The loud music seeped into the otherwise silent storage room, engulfing the room in sound. The storage room had a heavyset entry into the main club on the far side. I was surprised when I opened the door to find the music could still increase significantly and I had to fight the urge to take a step back.

I made my way surely into the club itself and was surprised yet again by the sheer capacity of it all. There were people everywhere, on tables, in corners and velvet curtained alcoves, on the bar and littered all over the large room – if you could even call it that. I moved through the thick throng of people, their bodies jolted me slightly as they all danced around me, their body’s slick with sweat, sticking to mine.

The air was thick with all the auras, Angel and Demon alike, very few humans were detectable. Though to my knowledge I was the only Hunter in the bloody place. I continued to make my way to the back of the room where I knew I would find my target – an Angel. He had apparently turned away from the war after causing all sorts of trouble.

The Demon said his aura would be dimed slightly; that it would look misty after committing all the ‘sins’ that he was responsible for. I scanned the back alcoves and corners, knowing that he would try to keep out of the way as much as possible.

And there he wa –wait! What?! A girl? Why the hell is there a chick here instead? I cursed under my breath and looked back at her.

She was tiny! She really was only a kid and she looked like a typical Angel. She had the round face and big baby blue eyes accompanied by the classic golden corkscrew curls that bounced around her face and fell just passed her shoulders. If I didn’t know any better I would have said she was a Cherub Angel. Only I did know better, so I knew exactly what she was. An Archangel. A delicate laugh bubbled up and spilled passed her petite rosy mouth.

“I see Leviathan finally sent someone to end my ‘pitiful existence’ – as I’m sure he put it.” Her melodic voice floated around me, holding a note of innocence – it was almost angelic. I couldn’t help it; I let a quiet laugh pass my lips.

“That’s exactly how he put it. Congratulations.” Talking to her was a stupid idea. But what was I supposed to do? This was the best part for God’s sake! Goading and mocking them.

“Oh goodie! Do I get a prize?” Her sweet as sugar voice was dripping with sarcasm and disdain. I smiled sardonically before I launched myself forward, aiming a hard kick at her thin waist. Before I could even land my kick she shot forward so fast all I could see was a blur before she smashed me in the chest with the heel of her hand. Her precisely placed hand sent me flying into the opposite wall with a loud crack; she began to walk towards me with slow, calculated steps. She shoved her forearm against my throat and pinned me their firmly with her skinny little arm.

“Aw, this is going to be way too easy! I was hoping you were going to be a little more fun than that. But oh well, we don’t all get what we want, now do we?” Suddenly her arm dropped away and she skipped away, twirling around and nodding her head once. A standard signal for anyone and everyone.

I looked around frantically – looking for an escape route – as my heart began to drum painfully against my ribcage, almost as if it was trying to shatter it. I suddenly noticed a familiar aura light up the room in a choking red mist – another Hunter was now in the room. A door that I hadn’t noticed before opened on the furthest wall and someone stepped out, their foot-falls non-existent on the cold concrete floors. I could define their features as their fluid movements brought them to stand in front of me. Dark hair, tan skin, coffee brown eyes, broad shoulders, a faint scar on his temple.

A knife in his hand.

A knife in his hand. I couldn’t take my eyes off the knife. My stare was firmly glued to the sharp, steel blade and Blackwood hilt that was trained on me with his no-doubt accurate hands. Blood pounded loudly in my ears, my breaths became gasps – short and fast – my eyes began to sting with my lack of blinking.

Fear had successfully worked its way into my blood stream like the disease that it is, for the first time ever. It coated my tongue thickly and pricked at the back of my throat uneasily. My hands shook ever so slightly – though it would have been clear to the Hunter and Angel before me.

I was going to die.

I knew that.

I had taken a decent job from a high paying Demon. It would have provided me with the money to continue with my one real job. To keep my sister safe and healthy. And now I was going to die and leave her with nothing – with no one. Our parents were dead; they had died doing the same thing as I was now. Why does everyone have to fail her? Why can’t we just provide for her? She deserves to just live. I’m so sorr –

My thoughts were cut short as the knife got lodged into my stomach, sinking all the way to the hilt. Pain lanced through my limbs and thoughts of anything but were a thing of the past. The Hunter twisted the knife once before pulling it out, a sucking sound following.

“Still not as fun as what I hoped. Oh well, as I said before, ‘we don’t always get what we want.’” Her syrupy voice was the last thing I heard before I dropped and the world went black for the last time.

Authors Note:

Sorry it took so long to post this..... 


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213 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:33 pm
dark wrote a review...



Wow, lovely story. The elements of detail involving combat were so... AMAZING! It's been a while since I've seen someone works with characters that aren't humans, and its amazing to see how flawlessly you've done it. The your details in general were al the more amazing! I felt like I was right there in that alley, and in that club, or bar, or whatever is was, because I felt like I couldn't figure it out either! Don't worry, that's a good thing as it let's you know that someone can put themselves in your character's shoes. Keep it up!

~The dark one






Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

I wrote this like 5 months after the first 3 and a half chapters, so it was hard not to say to much or not enough. But yeah...



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:29 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



Don’t start you very beginning with a dialogue line. It can work, but it’s very hard to do. Establish the scene visually instead. Also why is the character speaking to themselves? This might be just personal opinion but I find it annoying when character literally speaks to themselves. Slipping out a line or two, an utterance or two is fine, having a sentence or a few sentences directed to no one in particular is kind of odd. Unless they are supposed to be crazy of course. This is especially awkward in first person when you can easily say these things in thoughts.

Make sure every sentence follows up from the previous. Sometimes I feel like I have missed something. Like here:

The Demon I had received the job from said there would be a back door I could use to get into the club. It would have been impossible to see anything in the alley if I had been completely human.


I am not sure exactly what is wrong with it, but there is something wrong. You see the first sentence speaks about the supposed existence of a black door. And then the second continues on with impossibility for human to see. It would have been ok if you did something like: “there was supposed to be a door somewhere in this darkness. A normal human would have never spotted it. Luckily I wasn’t normal.” And even this is not too good a way to say it. Still it makes it clearer what is actually happening, and the sentences follow from each other. So think on that. Read more too. Reading helps to sharpen your writing senses. It will help with your sentence structure too, because it’s too similar. Vary your sentences for better flow. Don’t start too many consecutive paragraphs the same way either.

The story itself has an interesting premise. Angel-demon conflicts are a particular favourite of mine in fiction. Work on language and style though, to make the story even more appealing.






Thank you for everything you've said.

I must say I did rush this a bit, though it really isn't an exuse for the poor writing of it. I find it a little difficult when I write the prologue after I've written same of the other chapters..



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:25 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



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Fiery Salutations


I cannot say I have read a story like this for quite some time. That is not a bad thing, to be sure, and though I am religious, I nevertheless appreciate a good story.

I find it especially amusing that you would use phrases like "Why the hell" and "for ***'s sake" in a story such as this. Is this usage simply part of your ordinary vocabulary, or did you use these phrases deliberately?


I saw the grime covered door out of the corner of my eye, I sighed in relief at finally being able to get out of the dank and cold laneway.

This sentence is written awkwardly, especially in the middle; a comma alone is not sufficient and cannot, in this case, be used instead of a conjunction.

I was surprised when I opened the door to find the music could still increase significantly and I had to fight the urge to take a step back.

This sentence reads just as poorly as the previous one I quoted. It only seems to ramble on, having a definite idea, but it is not being expressed in a definite way.

The air was thick with all the auras, Angel and Demon alike, very few humans were detectable.

Fallen Angels and Demons, I hope? Also, there should be an and after your second comma.

An Archangel.

Obviously this "girl" is a Fallen Angel, but if you are writing a book on this topic, perhaps you should indicate them as such so that people who do not know what fallen angels are, may also follow.


Because this is a prologue, characterisation is mostly less significant, but you nevertheless manage to portray the Hunter in such a manner that the reader sympathises with him. The only thing of which you should be wary when writing a prologue is significance - if you think you should not include the prologue in your story, then don't. I am leaning more towards omitting it, at the moment, but perhaps the following chapters will call for the knowledge with which the prologue provides us.

Irrelevant of what this text is and whether or not it is necessary, it is well-written, and no matter what you are writing, that should always be your goal. I can happily say that goal has been achieved.

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Thank you for everything you've said, I'll be sure to take it all into account.



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:06 pm
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windrattlestheblinds wrote a review...



I think you’ve got a pretty solid opening. I like that you hold off on the supernatural reveal until the second paragraph—it packs more punch that way. And I LOVE “Good thing I wasn’t” because that immediately begs the question of just what the narrator is, then, and since it’s not answered immediately it made me get more interested in what was going on as a matter of course.
(Although: is there a particular reason you’re capitalizing Demon and Angel? It might flow better if you don’t, for the same reason you don’t capitalize “human.”)

The sequence of getting into the club works really well, although I think the paragraph about opening the door could stand to be chopped down (it’s not as important as what’s inside, after all). But in the three paragraphs from “I saw the grime…” to “…sticking to mine” you do a really nice job of building the tension and filling in the setting.

I want a little more description of the auras, personally. What does an Angel aura look like and how is it different from a Demon one (I imagine they’d be similar, but the Demon auras twisted or somehow corrupted because demons are supposed to be fallen angels), and what are human auras like in comparison (fainter? Brighter, given that humans have free will of a kind angels and demons supposedly don’t? less complex? more?). It’s all very well to say that they’re different enough for identification purposes, but that gives me absolutely no information about what they look like in and of themselves, and that’s a detail I’d really like to at least have a hint about.

You give that, a little, with the target Angel’s aura being misty and dim because he’s sinned, but that was confusing for me because what’s the distinction between an Angel who’s sinned and turned away from the war and a Demon? Like, I don’t know anything about the mythology you’re building except that auras are a thing, so I’m having to make wild guesses about what’s going on and why Demons are trying to kill an Angel who’s sinned and turned his back on his duty (which was, I would assume, fighting against Demons?).

Threading more hints about your mythology into the narrative would solve that problem. For example, a quick sentence or two sketching out the difference between Angel and Demon auras and what caused them, or a sentence or even just a phrase mentioning what the war is ABOUT (i.e. “He had apparently turned away from the war between X and Y after causing all sorts of trouble”).

I like the Archangel! It’s a fun departure from the more typical conceptualization of what one would look like. But: How can Narrator tell that she’s an Archangel and not the Cherub she apparently looks like? I’m guessing either an aura thing, or all Archangels are known to look like that and only people Not In The Know would see that girl and think Cherub instead. Either way, a hint of explanation would be much appreciated.

Why does Narrator underestimate the Archangel so badly? I mean, if they went in expecting a garden-variety Angel and got an Archangel instead, wouldn’t it be more logical to think that something was wrong or they were being set up somehow? It just seems weird to me that it immediately goes from “What’s going on?!” one minute to “Ah yeah goading Archangels is the best part” in the next.

The paragraph describing fear is really, really good. And I think following it up with two single-sentence paragraphs really drives the point home.

Overall: I’m not a huge fan of prologues that introduce us to someone who is apparently a main character, only to kill them at the end. It feels like I’m being cheated out of someone I could have cared about and rooted for. So I’m a little ambivalent about this as a prologue. That said: It’s good. It could stand a little more clarity on the story’s mythology in order to avoid more confusion, but that’s a matter of additional sentences at most. The tension builds up nicely throughout the whole piece and the ending is sharp and effective. And even though the narrator dies, I still feel invested in the broader story.






Ah, the auras. I was really expecting someone to say something about it. Unfortunately I can't say to much about them in this, it'll get to confusing. Same with the war.... But don't fret, it gets explained thoroughly later on. :3

With the capitalization? Because they are the targets and the, well hunters. Hunters don't hunt humans so they aren't targets for them, they don't see them that way, that's why.

The Hunter went into knowing she was an Archangel, and he just assumed she was a he. And he starts goading her because thats how he deals with the fear.... It's a little confusing, I know.

Believe it or not you can still love this guy... It just takes a little... But between you and me and anyone else who reads this, he gets mentioned ALOT later on!!!

He thought that he was trained enough to be able to take on the Angel. But really I mean come on?! He's a bloody teenager!! Not a super soldier.
Sorry.. I can even get a little judgemental about my own characters.

I wrote and posted this after some of my other chapters, so I had to take things out and add things... -.-

And thank you so much for everything you've said and I apologise for it being so confusing... :D




A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson