z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Final Destination Chapter 11 (Edited)

by Tiaradyson


There's a lot of money in your wallet, you plan on spending that on rum?”

“Wyatt, my friend. We don't use the word rum in 1956, we use the word beer.” Wyatt nods and agrees and listen to more of what Bird Man says. “Of course I have money. I'm not homeless if that's what you're thinking.” That's exactly what Wyatt's thinking. You're a poor, old, fat man dressing to impress. You know every homeless person, you probably feed birds at the lake. All these ideas rumble around in Wyatt's head, and it bugs him that he's wrong.

His first impression of Bird Man was- big man with no shoes, but got money? What else is he hiding? He asks himself. It shuns him that he didn't get a read on Bird Man. He's usually good at that. Bird Man's different though, Wyatt can tell and he didn't like that one bit! He pushes the thought aside, not to forget, but to have encase another misunderstanding occurs and he's hoping everything about Bird Man isn't as complicated as it needs to be.

The evening's heat still burning the air and Wyatt's wet locks stick to his flesh. They arrive at a white three-story building, the largest house in the entire neighborhood. His home's protected by 60 inch black posts with a spiraling iron door leading right into his front yard. Delicious green grass, healthy enough to graze upon. Newly growing trees scattered every where with leaves barely covering its naked branches.

A dozen glass windows scatter around the home. A connected flight of stairs on ends of the door. There is a walk through balcony over the heads of Bird Man and Wyatt as they reach the wooden door. A golden plate with the name, Garry MacGyver, set right above their eyes. The Y's curve and the C in MacGyver is barely noticeable. Who's Garry MacGyver? Bird Man balls his fist and hammers it at the head of his door, till the door creaks open with a pair of smokey eyes appearing through the crack door.

“Sir MacGyver, you are home early.” She said the name. She looked right passed me and at him, Bird Man must be Garry, what else is this man hiding? Her voice alarms Wyatt and he pushes the thought aside just so he can focus more on Bird Man—Garry-- and the woman speaking. She has a soft spoken voice, gentle, smooth and clear, free of mumbling and ridiculously stunning looking eyes. The door widens and they see her clearer.

“And you brought a guest,” her eyes lowers to Wyatt's clothes and then to his face. Creaking along her shallow cheeks, a smirk draws upon her face. Same goes for Wyatt and they haven't realize they're smirking about to each other. Her smile is welcoming, warm and kind. She has brown hair that's pulled back from her face, a white cloth holding it in place. A high forehead and eyes not so far apart. Grey eyes as seducing as a silver moon. Juicy, thick, pale lips. She's wearing a black and white maid-outfit. He couldn't remember this feeling; he hasn't felt this way in years. He thinks hard about it; no days...

His first look at Marie almost feels the same with this woman. His heart beats, he feels his chest simmer. The heat might be getting to him, but he doesn't mind. The way he's dazzled by the woman, it is almost as if the bond between Louise and him could be much more with him and this woman and maybe... Marie. Even that sounds crazy to Wyatt, someone more perfect than Marie sound absurd he pushes the thought aside and tries to concentrate only on finding Marie. He makes sure and promises to himself he will get her back whether he can bare this woman or not.

The woman gestures them in- Garry and Wyatt- and with welcoming arms, she takes Garry’s jacket and secures it onto her arm. Wyatt's eyes wonder aimlessly from the woman's gaze to Garry’s house. At first he thought the view from outside was captivating, but the inside's the real view.

There's a lot of money in your wallet, you plan on spending that on rum?”

“Wyatt, my friend. We don't use the word rum in 1956, we use the word beer.” Wyatt nods and agrees and listen to more of what Bird Man says. “Of course I have money. I'm not homeless if that's what you're thinking.” That's exactly what Wyatt's thinking. You're a poor, old, fat man dressing to impress. You know every homeless person, you probably feed birds at the lake. All these ideas rumble around in Wyatt's head, and it bugs him that he's wrong.

His first impression of Bird Man was- big man with no shoes, but got money? What else is he hiding? He asks himself. It shuns him that he didn't get a read on Bird Man. He's usually good at that. Bird Man's different though, Wyatt can tell and he didn't like that one bit! He pushes the thought aside, not to forget, but to have encase another misunderstanding occurs and he's hoping everything about Bird Man isn't as complicated as it needs to be.

Chapter 5

The evening's heat still burning the air and Wyatt's wet locks stick to his flesh. They arrive at a white three-story building, the largest house in the entire neighborhood. His home's protected by 60 inch black posts with a spiraling iron door leading right into his front yard. Delicious green grass, healthy enough to graze upon. Newly growing trees scattered every where with leaves barely covering its naked branches.

A dozen glass windows scatter around the home. A connected flight of stairs on ends of the door. There is a walk through balcony over the heads of Bird Man and Wyatt as they reach the wooden door. A golden plate with the name, Garry MacGyver, set right above their eyes. The Y's curve and the C in MacGyver is barely noticeable. Who's Garry MacGyver? Bird Man balls his fist and hammers it at the head of his door, till the door creaks open with a pair of smokey eyes appearing through the crack door.

“Sir MacGyver, you are home early.” She said the name. She looked right passed me and at him, Bird Man must be Garry, what else is this man hiding? Her voice alarms Wyatt and he pushes the thought aside just so he can focus more on Bird Man—Garry-- and the woman speaking. She has a soft spoken voice, gentle, smooth and clear, free of mumbling and ridiculously stunning looking eyes. The door widens and they see her clearer.

“And you brought a guest,” her eyes lowers to Wyatt's clothes and then to his face. Creaking along her shallow cheeks, a smirk draws upon her face. Same goes for Wyatt and they haven't realize they're smirking about to each other. Her smile is welcoming, warm and kind. She has brown hair that's pulled back from her face, a white cloth holding it in place. A high forehead and eyes not so far apart. Grey eyes as seducing as a silver moon. Juicy, thick, pale lips. She's wearing a black and white maid-outfit. He couldn't remember this feeling; he hasn't felt this way in years. He thinks hard about it; no days...

His first look at Marie almost feels the same with this woman. His heart beats, he feels his chest simmer. The heat might be getting to him, but he doesn't mind. The way he's dazzled by the woman, it is almost as if the bond between Louise and him could be much more with him and this woman and maybe... Marie. Even that sounds crazy to Wyatt, someone more perfect than Marie sound absurd he pushes the thought aside and tries to concentrate only on finding Marie. He makes sure and promises to himself he will get her back whether he can bare this woman or not.

The woman gestures them in- Garry and Wyatt- and with welcoming arms, she takes Garry’s jacket and secures it onto her arm. Wyatt's eyes wonder aimlessly from the woman's gaze to Garry’s house. At first he thought the view from outside was captivating, but the inside's the real view.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
189 Reviews


Points: 398
Reviews: 189

Donate
Sun Jul 27, 2014 10:47 am
View Likes
manisha wrote a review...



Manisha here to review. I reviewed you chapter 13 and 14 and here I am reviewing 11. You have to forgive my not at all orderlyness.

I'll review as I read.

I see the porcup has already pointed out what run on sentences are.

“Of course I have money, I'm not homeless if that's what you're thinking.”

Semi colon or full stop after money.

His first impression of Bird Man was off, big man with no shoes, but got money?
I think it will work if you italicize the impression. Like this -His first impression of Bird Man was - big man with no shoes, but got money?

Newly growing trees scattered every where with barely leaves covering its naked branches.
barely leaves - leaves barely

A connected flight of stairs on both sides of the door that leads into the home. With a walk through balcony over the heads of Bird Man and Wyatt as they reach the wooden door.

You seem to do this in many places. There are sentences that are connected when they do well independently and then there are sentences like these which are broken intentionally. Try reading only the second sentence in the paragraph. Does it make sense? In this case you can either connect the two sentences by getting rid of the period or you can start the second sentence as - There is a walk through the balcony...
The first thing to remember while describing something is to see and write it through the eyes of the reader. You might know the whole picture but it will leave the reader in the dark if the description isn't enough or put correctly.

A golden plate with the name, Garry MacGyver set right above their eyes.
Another comma after McGyver

She has a soft spoken voice; gentle, smooth and clear. Free of mumbling and ridiculously stunning looking in the eyes.

You are speaking about her voice, what is her eyes doing in the same sentence? If you want to say how stunning her eyes look do so in a different sentence. Also it is - ridiculously stunning looking eyes. unless you intended something else.

Even that sounds crazy to Wyatt, someone more perfect than Marie sound obscured he pushes the thought aside and tries to concentrate only on finding Marie.

I think you mean absurd in place of obscured. Also a period after the same word.

Overall,
This chapter has some good elements.Waytt seems a bit different from Waytt in chapter 13 and 14. Maybe something happened between the two chapters to change his behavior? There is a touch of humor in this chapter that gives breathing space. Good job. And as I already said before, your description is pretty good.

Keep writing!

Image




Tiaradyson says...


I will defiantly work on my errors, I think you did a great way in explaining why I shouldn't have down that. Thank you for that.



User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 775
Reviews: 21

Donate
Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:34 am
porcupinestrongwill wrote a review...



Good day, Tiaradyson. Porcupine Strongwill here for a review.

#800080 ">NITPICKS

What else is he hiding? #FF0000 ">he asks himself.


Perhaps be consistent in italicizing thoughts.

A golden plate with the name#0040FF ">, Garry MacGyver set right above their eyes.


If you decide to set off the name, do so with two commas.

A golden plate with the name, Garry MacGyver#0040FF ">, set right above their eyes.


She looked right #FF0000 ">pastme and at him, Bird Man must be Garry, what else is this man hiding?


Her voice alarms Wyatt and he pushes the thought aside just so he can focus more on Bird Man#FF0000 ">--Garry#FF0000 ">--and the woman speaking.


She has a soft spoken voice; gentle, smooth and clear. Free of mumbling and ridiculously stunning looking in the eyes.


Don't abuse the semicolon for setting off phrases. It's too strong for that. A comma would suffuse.

She has a soft spoken voice#FF0000 ">, gentle, smooth and clear#FF0000 ">, free of mumbling and ridiculously stunning looking in the eyes.


She has brown hair that's pulled back from her face#FF0000 ">, a white cloth holding it in place.


#800080 ">THOUGHTS

I've noticed that there were run-ons in your work. I didn't note them all. Instead, I will explain to you what I mean:

It shuns him that he didn't get a read on Bird Man#FF0000 ">, he's usually good at that.


What is a run-on sentence? It is when two independent clauses are joined together with a comma. Why is it wrong? Because two complete sentences, if joined, must be glued together with something strong, such as a conjunction or a semicolon. In the sentence above It shuns him that he didn't get a read on Bird Man is already a sentence on it own; so inserting a comma and adding another clause with a complete thought (he's usually good at that) makes it a run-on. A run-on is pretty much an abuse of comma, too.

Another example:

The evening's heat still burning the air#FF0000 ">, Wyatt's wet locks sticks to his flesh.


Remedies:

1) separate the two sentences with a comma

The evening's heat still burning the air#FF0000 ">. Wyatt's wet #0040FF ">locks sticks to his flesh.


2) use a conjunction

The evening's heat still burning the air, #0040FF ">and Wyatt's wet locks #FF0000 ">stickto his flesh.


3) use a strong punctuation as a semicolon

The evening's heat still burning the air#FF0000 ">; Wyatt's wet locks sticks to his flesh.


(NOTE: stick, not sticks - present plural - referring to wet lockS)

I think that this was funny. The conversations are lively. Wyatt thoughts are funny. When he repeats "What else is this man hiding?" I snickered. I was rather confused at the Marie part, where the tense shifted to present. But maybe the confusion is my fault because I haven't read the other chapters. But anyway, good job.

Keep writing,
Porcey xoxo

Image




Tiaradyson says...


Thanks for that, I guess I did abuse the comma too much lol ^_^




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta