Young Writers Society

Hello!

This poem really is something that's pretty unique. I think you can go pretty far with it if you give some more soul to the character, just enough that we can see these things she's saying. You're teetering on the balance, and I'm going to be suggesting you fall ^^

I think you're cutting down the sincerity with the rhymes. At times, I really start to understand what this poem is about, what emotions are there hidden inside of the speaker, but then a rhyme comes and takes that away. I really think you've got a good, round character here that is really worth developing.

For instance, when you say "my womb with a view/is a dead end road." that really makes an impact on the reader. It's not exactly clear how it is a dead end road because we're not sure what point of view it would be from in order to see it as a dead end road, but the next line makes it pretty clear. The last line, however, throws this rich language off by taking it away from the problem this woman is facing, and making it more about the emotional turmoil this brings her with just a simple sentence. I don't think that sentence lives up to the imagery of the first three lines. It's like we go from seeing this dead end road, perhaps the end of a street where people are milling about and never leaving home, to a picture of the galaxy with no transition.

Just like with essays, short stories, and novels, we need transitions to go from one to the other. Even though alone and zone rhyme, and it even has a slant rhyme with home, it's not a powerful enough image within the context you've put us to support itself. It is a separate idea from the imagery of the dead end road.

I think, to fix this, you could trade "I feel so alone" with "I am an uninhabitable zone" because that will really draw home the death in that first stanza. I'd also suggest changing zone because of the rhyme, make it something that doesn't rhyme. I'd also change "hole", and "stole", and "though". The rhymes aren't consistently in the same place so it just makes them jarring and misleading to read.

Overall I think you have a good piece here, but it needs a little work. If you work on your end words, and transitions for images you create to make sure everything flows well and doesn't bump the reader out of the piece, I think it could be even better.

Hi there.

So I read this as someone who's had a miscarriage. My sister-in-law went through that a couple years ago and has been pretty depressed about it ever since, on a lot of fertility drugs and dealing with people telling her that it's "part of God's plan" and whatnot (she believes in God and so do I, but it is NOT HELPFUL to say that to someone who's dealing with an emotional experience like this). She did just finally get pregnant again, but we have to wait until the end of August to see if this one will go through. I really hope it does.

With that in mind, there is a line that I think doesn't quite fit:

No one ever gets out alive,
I feel so alone.

It feels unfair to be alive,
I'm so full of this hole.

Bought, and sold.

There are strong words and emotions in this poem, and in general, melancholy can be seen as the primary mood.

The poem conveys its message clearly and there's coherence in its elements.

Overall, two thumbs up.

Outwardly this poem seems to be about child birth. But you say its personal so I wont pick it apart. I would just like to say that the poem has a nice structure and flow to it,
and your grammer is good. It seems to emenate frustration. Nice work.