Margaret Darling sat in a plush hospital armchair, dead to the world.
Hospital humor, Peter thought to himself with a frown. He watched the slow, shallow breathing of the woman in the chair. Her daughter was Peter's latest charge.
Everly Darling laid in her hospital bed, all kinds of tubes and wires connected to her thin, frail body here and there and everywhere. A monitor reassured Peter that Everly still lived, against every odd. But Peter knew the brain tumor would take her in the end. Her sweat-drenched, once-thick auburn hair fanned out around her head on the pillow like a ghostly burning halo. Peter longed to see her dark eyes before...
A dark-headed little boy who looked far older than his seven years–James– entered the room, trailing a stuffed something and holding the hand of his grandmother, Jane Darling. James didn't seem to see Peter; he had eyes only for his slowly dying sister.
Peter whispered a hollow greeting, grief choking his air. James stared right through him, unable to smile or speak for fear he'd begin to cry and spark any doubt of his seven-year-old manliness. Peter admired his strength, and wished he could have some himself. Jane smiled a slightly less toothy smile than Peter remembered.
"Hello, boy," she said. "Why are you crying?"
Of course, this was an old joke in the family. Peter wasn't crying, but he looked at Everly's barely alive form in the bed and couldn't find his usual quick comeback. Jane let out a little sigh. Releasing James, she gripped Peter in a satisfyingly bone-crunching hug.
"Oh, sweetie," she whispered. On the edge of her voice, Peter could hear the pain dripping in quiet, slow drops.
"Do me one favor, Jane," said Peter, sniffling in spite of himself.
"Anything, dear," said Jane, holding the boy by the shoulders. Peter pulled together every inch of strength he had left. He gave her a smile and his precious kiss.
"Never grow up," he said to the floor as it caught the first of his tears.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi there!
But you put them in a completely different light here. Never before has Peter Pan been put in a hospital or a situation where someone he loves is severely injured. Wow, I got so sidetracked in this paragraph o.o Getting back to my original point, I feel like I really know these characters. Jane and Peter have such a good relationship here, one that is brought out by just a few words passed between them. I can't wait to see how their relationship develops and grows over this story.
Yes! I'm so excited to start reading this!
First of all, this is rather short, so there won't be much that I have to say about it. That's not a bad thing, of course. A chapter is going to be as long or as short as it will be or has to be.
I like the way that you introduced the characters here. It doesn't feel stressed or forced. Even though this is only the first chapter, I feel like I really know these characters. And not just because their name proceeds them. Obviously your readers are going to already have a predetermined notion of your characters because of their names. Peter Pan is the boy who never grew up. The Darlings are all related to Wendy Darling, Peter's darling
I have one little nitpick for you:
I understand that Peter is talking about the 'dead to the world' part, but his thought about the humor doesn't really fit. You are writing this in third person POV. The narrator is the one that says that Margaret is dead to the world. So for Peter to react to the hospital humor, he would've had to say it himself. Otherwise, you make the narrator an actual character in the novel. You get what I'm saying?
You did a good job showing Peter's emotion in this chapter. It wouldn't have been half as good if you didn't show that emotion. I could really feel what you were trying to portray. Good job with that!
I can't wait to get to the next chapters!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
Nitpicks!
English = Humour. American = Humor?
English = Tumour. American = Tumor?
English = Favour. American = Favor?
Overall!
Would you class this as a fan-fic, as its based on Peter Pan? I did a Wizard of Oz type story and people were calling it a fan-fic so I'd maybe change the genre.
Aw. *wipes away tears* This was beautiful. It was beautifully written and it was wrenching. It must have been awful for Peter to see her there, lifeless, sick, almost dead. I especially love the end part when he tells her to never grow up. That's so sad. But it also links into Peter Pan, which is clever.
I really loved this, it was so creative and unique. It really depressed me though xD
Keep it up!
I didn't change the genre because I typed up and published these chapters at midnight and 1 in the morning and I was exhausted.
I'm glad you liked it, thank you so much for the review!
Yeah, Americans don't use U in our words!
Your welcome!
I'm in love with the Peter Pan series, so the moment I saw this story, I had to read it. It's very sweet how Peter still cares for the family after all these years. I do have a few things to say when it comes to grammar.
"...against every odd, but Peter knew the brain tumor would take her in the end."
"Peter admired his strength and wished he could have some himself some."
Otherwise, I want to read more. I will love this book, and I can't wait to read more of it.
This is very... emotional. I can feel it vibrating through me, honestly.
"..."Hello, boy," she said. "Why are you crying?"..."
It's kind of confusing. Who says this?
But it is explained later when he says Jane's name. But it's confusing at the instant. I think you would want to fix that.
Other than that small nitpick I am speechless. I practically don't know what to say. I can feel the story flowing. Keep writing and keep me updated k?
PS: Did you make place it in the general genre on purpose?
I didn't put a genre on it because I typed and published this after midnight and I was exhausted
Thank you for the review m'dear!
No probs!